Boyfriend thinks I act differently with him around others

[mneters]

As the title says really he thinks I ignore him when we are with others and am not myself. We went to stay with my family recently and he felt like I was leaving him out, not including him and was annoyed that when on a family day I was turning to my brother first instead of him.

We had a family meal today and he sent messages saying I was staring at my friend, i laugh at everyone else apart from him etc.

I am not sure if it is me, I am a little socially awkward at times, I am not a public display of affection kind of person and go quieter in larger groups, I do not mean to ignore him and don't feel like I am. The messages he sends makes it worse as I just get annoyed and feel like I cba! I feel partly he has low self esteem is shy himself and needs the attention however I have children, lots of friends etc and sometimes just want to be able to do my own thing and chat to them and he get on with it and chat too without us needing to check in on one another. My brother and one friend are quite dominant people especially in convos so I do wonder if he just feels overlooked but I'm really struggling with this and feel at breaking point because no matter how Many times I've tried to be normal with him he still calls me out on it and I feel like perhaps I'm just not right for him.

Apart from this he is the perfect bf, loving kind and just a generally lovely kind natured person I just don't know what to do because I don't want to walk away but can't find A solution.

@mneters

I don't think he's expecting me to not talk or see my family as he likes them and gets on with them. I think *@moofolk* has hit it on the head, I think he feels threatened that I don't need him and have such a strong bond with my brother and best friend, I think he feels I don't have that with him, but what he doesn't understand is that although he is great and helps me out and I know he would do anything for me I don't have years of background with him, my best friend and brother have literally helped me when I was at rock bottom dealing with my kids dad and what he did to me and of course I will have a good laugh and joke and there will be times where's he can't relate. I feel the same when he is with his siblings also as I don't know the background of stories etc but I listen with interest, I work my way round the room and don't need him to be talking and understand he is socialising with others.

He doesn't feel threatened jesus he's controlling! stop making excuses, stop trying to find reasoning, he knows exactly what he's doing. Your posts remind me of me! Sad.

I think you are all right, I have tried speaking to him about it and he just says it's not that he doesn't want me to have a relationship with my brother etc just that he's overlooked and I don't act the same with him when we are with other people and am different and he feels like a third wheel. I know I need to end it if it carries on its just hard when you know how good it can be but I know I can't take the up and downs every time we socialise. He's also met my kids and I've just met his too so it's a bit more complicated. The kids dad was controlling to a much more awful extent and has put me through absolute hell and been a complete mind fuck and I think it's messed me up a little bit as it's made me question myself constantly and unsure of if I'm right or not. This new guy has given me confidence at the start but I think you are right he's starting not picking and I suspect it will go the same way if I carry one with the relationship so I need to cut my losses. Maybe I just seem to attract these people as I'm pretty easy going and not assertive enough! I thought it had met my match in boyfriend as he seemed equally as relaxed. His ex was controlling apparently which his family have confirmed and the gf before that cheated on him so I think perhaps that's messed him up a bit too and he needs to work on himself. I just can't be responsible for someone else's happiness and emotions really as I have enough to do of my own and keeping the kids and house in check (although he does help with this and try and take some of the load off!

It's not more complicated because he's met the kids.
It's more important that you get it right with the right person because you have kids.
It doesn't mean you continue to pursue something that's wrong because they've met.

Better to teach them that not all relationships work out, than relationships are about overlooking red flags and tolerating poor behaviour.

Because you were in a controlling abusive relationship before, your boundaries are likely a bit screwed up and vulnerabilities are like catnip to predators. It's not unusual for someone who has been through that to end up in further abusive relationships.

If you're not ready to give it up yet, stop moving forward in the relationship, don't get more deeply involved, back off from involving the children. Slow it right down. If you can't because he won't let that happen, that's another huge red flag 🚩 right there.

Massive red flag. My Ex was like this. Increasingly got worse, accusing me of flirting with customers in the pub I worked in (I was clearing their table) up to the point where it was full blown abusive relationship. Took a while to get there though.

Get rid of him. Do the Freedom Project.

Yeah I had one like this. It will only get worse

Yeah, agree with others, seems like a red flag for controlling behaviour. You shouldn’t need to change your behaviour to suit his low self esteem.

I’d maybe get a sense check from someone you trust like your brother, I.e. tell him what’s happened and ask whether he thinks you’re in any way rude or excluding your BF. I think it’s always good to also get non-mumsnet advice on these things too. From what you’ve said on here though it sounds like you’re behaving completely reasonably and your BF is the one with the issue.

Apart from this he is the perfect bf, loving kind and just a generally lovely kind natured person I just don't know what to do because I don't want to walk away but can't find A solution.

This is all fake

If I could just be more… he’d be happy.

If I could do less/better/more… he’s be happy

His mask is slipping, he will only ever get more controlling. This is how it starts

Walk away now because it’s going to get worse, and it’s going to get harder to leave.

The fact that you’ve been abused before means that you’re still vulnerable to others who can spot their victims a mile off

Fuck the fact that you’ve met the kids - that’s designed to rush you into a bad situation

Your previous partner being controlling tells me you're far more likely to have chosen another controlling partner - albeit unconsciously.

This is reinforced by your statement that he is "perfect" apart from this. No-one is perfect, and you're finding this out very quickly.

There's no coincidence that his behaviour has deteriorated now that you've stepped up the level of intimacy by involving children.

Please leave and please consider some therapy so that you can start to make better choices for yourself.

I chose neither of these things about 30 years ago, and I gave my partner's jealous behaviour the benefit of the doubt. It cost us both dearly.

Remember his family may only have his word on his exs behaviour.

Never go excusing bad behaviour because of the way their exs (supposedly) treated them. That's what abusers want. They want you to excuse bullshit as insecurity. Its not insecurity, its control.

Think of it this way op, when normal decent people feel insecure, they introspect and try to make themselves better people. They don't take it out on other people, or at least, when they realise they have been, they stop and are mortified. Do at best, he is not on a healthy place to be dating.

*so at best he is not in

It is absolutely normal to want to chat to your friends and family when you see them. He’s complaining that he doesn’t have your full and undivided attention, and he has started chipping away at you to make sure he gets it. Next he’ll be asking you to not see people because you’re different with them/too loud/leave him out. He’s a grown man. If he wants to talk to people at events he’s perfectly capable of doing so. Instead he prefers to message you to tell you that you’re ignoring him. That’s nuts, and pretty controlling. It also spoils what should otherwise be a fun occasion.

Also, the kid thing doesn't really matter considering they've just met. Kids make and lose friends all the time so theyll be over it pretty quick.

And the next thing you know people just might stop inviting you to things so he doesn't come if he makes them feel uncomfortable
My ex did the accusing me of staring at someone too . Totally didn't happen . It caused a huge ruction and I told my friend whose party it was and she must have told the person I was apparently staring at's wife and she hasn't spoken to me since! This was about 10 years ago!

You're also possibly in the frame of mind where you're comparing him to your ex and because he's so much better you're seeing that as him being great. It's a low bar for comparison!

I agree with PP the kids having met is even more reason to stop this now, not a reason to stay together.

People always act a bit different with family anyway. You see your bf all the time and have one on one time with him. When you see your family and you're in a group it stands to reason you're bf will be on the side lines to a degree.
He should be enjoying watching you with your family and thinking of ways to make it easy and enjoyable for you - putting the kettle on, getting beers in, passing biscuits around and amusing the kids. Not getting all pissy because he's not centre of attention

This is how my stepmum's ended up being, wanting to be the centre of attention at all times. She shrieked at my dad saying she felt 'sidelined' when I came down for a couple of nights. A father and daughter had not seen each other in two or three years, but she couldn't not be the centre of attention for a moment. We also invited her along to everything but she decided not to come out for lunch with us, so she could play the victim later. She's effected his relationship with his sister and best friend, too.

@mneters If you like to mingle then you'll enjoy what your boyf's doing even less. Bin, at least if he tries it again.

I hear what you all are saying, the kids being involved has taken time, mine were involved a little bit earlier than I wanted due to ex just turning up with the kids early one day while we were home. To me it seemed he had been putting off me meeting his kids, it's taken a very long time so he hasn't tried to instigate it early or anything if anything the opposite. I think if we were to split my kids would be quite upset but they would get over it, I didn't stay with their dad in the end when I had the choice as I knew I was better without him and I wouldn't stay with anyone just for the kids as tbh I enjoy it just being us and uncomplicated and don't need a relationship I am happy in myself and my own skin, have enough friends and family and anyone I am with is an addition (which could be why I feel like this a little too) . It's the fact this persons come into my life unexpectedly and everything seemed to work, we wanted the same things it was easy and now just recently this has come up which I want to overcome but as you guys have said it seems to be a red flag for even worse behaviour, I don't want to call it quits but it has been awful the silly texts etc and it's really set me back and I'm not sure if we can move on from it. I certainly wouldn't be putting a guy before my friends and family.

Sounds like he's picked the wrong woman for his nonsense! He might have picked up on the fact you've been treated badly before and assumed you'll allow it again.

A support network (friends and family) are a very good protector against abusive men so stands to reason he has realised you have that and set about to remove them.

You shouldnt be looking to 'get over it'. The texting you nonsense was beyond red flag territory. If you'll sweep something massive like this under the carpet then he has got you exactly where he wants you. Come on op, you know it's a red flag, never revert back to the behaviour of excusing it or trying to forget it 'for a quiet life' because that's how the cycle of accepting abuse begins. I know it sucks, but when people show you who they are, believe it.

At the very least, he doesn't bring out the best in you and there are huge compatability issues with your family. Start taking steps now. Don't wait for the next thing. Because there will be a next thing. And even if there isnt, this current behaviour is bad enough on its own.

Run woman! Seriously get out, get out now before you're properly stuck.

Everything everyone else has already said but if you waver think about how he manipulated you into ignoring the people you love and about the faces he pulled at you in front of your family and friends!, that disgust and contempt you saw is the real him and that is how he really feels about you.

He's not shy. He's not got low self esteem. He's an abuser who has begun his training regime. Don't be his good dog, run away today.

You’re hooked already and he knows it, that’s why he’s ramped it up just a notch

we wanted the same things it was easy and now just recently this has come up which I want to overcome but as you guys have said it seems to be a red flag for even worse behaviour, I don't want to call it quits but it has been awful the silly texts etc and it's really set me back and I'm not sure if we can move on from it. I certainly wouldn't be putting a guy before my friends and family.

He’s mirroring you, pretending to be like you

Low self esteem doesn’t mean he gets to control you

He’s certainly not afraid to intimidate you into putting up with batshit stuff

The texts alone are why you need to end it.

He has NO right to dictate anything

Get the fuck out - you’re making a huge mistake in giving him airtime

I completely understand you are invested in this relationship and this aside it seems all good.
The bit that’s huge for me looking from outside is the actual texting you at the time. That’s horrendous behaviour, like he wants an instant reaction (stop it) and he purposely wants to change your mood.
If he genuinely is worried about your close bond and feeling left out surely he would discuss it away from the setting, respect what you say and work on his reaction.
There is something quite sinister in how he texts.
I really do agree this is one relationship you need to remove yourself from.

Op, if you genuinely think he's a decent, loving guy who just has an insecurity about your bonds with brother/best friend (honestly, this is so outrageously possessive that it makes me squirm, but anyway, for the sake of argument), then put the responsibility for dealing with it on him. It is not your job to do his emotional labour.

"Boyfriend, I know you get insecure and jealous when I'm around x and y, but it's not a rational response. It's unreasonable of you to expect me to change behaviour, when it's you that has the feelings about it. All they are, are uncomfortable feelings and if you ride them out or manage them, they will go away. I will happily support you if you need to go to counselling or therapy, but this is your issue to deal with, not mine. I'm not doing anything wrong here. You need to take responsibility for your own feelings and instead of trying to control me, control them."

You've been seeing him for 18 months but lockdown and Covid have distorted lots of relationships, it's been just the two of you so much. Now you're back out in the real world you can see him more clearly, the neediness and controlling behaviour. Don't tie yourself to him Op, you've seen where this leads and no good will come if it.