Boyfriend thinks I act differently with him around others

[mneters]

As the title says really he thinks I ignore him when we are with others and am not myself. We went to stay with my family recently and he felt like I was leaving him out, not including him and was annoyed that when on a family day I was turning to my brother first instead of him.

We had a family meal today and he sent messages saying I was staring at my friend, i laugh at everyone else apart from him etc.

I am not sure if it is me, I am a little socially awkward at times, I am not a public display of affection kind of person and go quieter in larger groups, I do not mean to ignore him and don't feel like I am. The messages he sends makes it worse as I just get annoyed and feel like I cba! I feel partly he has low self esteem is shy himself and needs the attention however I have children, lots of friends etc and sometimes just want to be able to do my own thing and chat to them and he get on with it and chat too without us needing to check in on one another. My brother and one friend are quite dominant people especially in convos so I do wonder if he just feels overlooked but I'm really struggling with this and feel at breaking point because no matter how Many times I've tried to be normal with him he still calls me out on it and I feel like perhaps I'm just not right for him.

Apart from this he is the perfect bf, loving kind and just a generally lovely kind natured person I just don't know what to do because I don't want to walk away but can't find A solution.

There must be other red flags. Can you describe anything else he’s done that’s bothered you?

I think you’ve just traded one abusive bastard for another.

Please don’t waste any more of your life on him.

Fool me once, shame on them. Fool me twice……

Don’t be a fool.

It is really hard to tell without more entirely objective information.

I have a friend who is a little like this with her partners, she pretty much abandons them at any friend or family gathering. Now of course they are adults and can fend for themselves, but when she first introduced him to us it was when there was a large group of us, she introduced him to one friend who was just heading out to pick up another from the train station, then walked away whilst they were exchanging basic pleasantries and did not introduce him to anyone else. Luckily my husband spotted this and went and talked to him, but she expected him to make his own introductions to a group of twenty adults and eight children who have all known each other for 10+ years after having just walked in the door. I can see it was a bit daunting and did appear rather cold of her.

The thing is she does not get it and probably never will, she is a hugely outgoing person, she is one of those people who when meeting a group of people will be going around everyone saying hello, flitting between different conversations, but that does tend to mean she abandons whoever she arrived with.

At the same time he could be a controlling, possessive arse, but without an objective analysis it is hard to tell.

In all honestly there's not been anything else that's made me think red flag or anything like that, this is the only disagreement we've had. The only other niggle I had was the fact he took so long to introduce me to the kids which made me think was he serious about us as I felt like it held us back a bit (as we had to keep separate at his family things etc) but that was me being a bit insecure I think as with various lockdowns etc he was just being cautious and his ex was being a bit difficult too. I had met his family right from the get go, they had a big meal to introduce me to everyone about a month or two after we started dating. Like I said apart from this he's kind, attentive, very relaxed and chilled out, treats me well and is affectionate etc, he would do anything for anyone, made my best friend a bird table things etc before he even met her to break the ice and little attentive things like that.

Sorry to say this on here, and I sincerely hope that wherever you are, you are thriving rn OP! But I just really quickly wanted to thank everyone on here for what they said, and OP for being vulnerable and sharing their thoughts and emotions. This single thread has been an epiphany moment for me and for something I've been struggling with for months, so I really wanted to relay my appreciation. In my case, reading everything everyone has said on here, I'm worried that I may have been the unintentionally manipulative partner. My partner (F23) and I (M23) have been together for 6 months and this is both of ours first real relationship ever. Hearing OP describe themself, you remind me a lot of my partner. She is awesome and very self-sufficient and independent, not big on PDA, a bit socially awkward (just like me!), etc and it's clear to me that she doesn't need me to be happy, the way I've been feeling I need her to be happy. And I'm realizing now that there's nothing wrong with that, and that it's unhealthy for me to be placing as much importance on our relationship for my happiness as I have been. It's what causes me to constantly worry and be anxious and feel insecure. I always thought that me thinking about her 24/7 and constantly worrying about her at all times and noticing any and every small detail and analyzing every social interaction was just a sign that I care a lot and am a good partner. But I can see that that's just being immature and unhealthy! I always have felt a little sidelined when we're around our mutual friends. I was worried she was ignoring me intentionally and being less affectionate towards me around friends because she was upset with me, or uncomfortable with me around people or losing interest or something, but now I'm seeing that I was just being silly and overanalyzing things in a negative way. The real answer is that she's her own person still who has her own social interactions, and she's just being who she has always been. It's just my own insecurity that made me feel bad about not constantly being the center of her attention, the way my unhealthy brain had made her the constant center of my attention. Like I would always put her on a pedestal or make her the center of my focus in any social situation, where I would always be paying attention to everything she said or laughing at every joke she made, no matter who we're around, because I always made her priority #1 in my brain. So when she wouldn't acknowledge something I said, or laugh at a joke I made, I would feel hurt and unimportant to her (goodness I sound like a child now). I haven't yet gone as far as OP's partner (at the time of their post) where I told my partner about how I'm worried she's treating me different or that I need more attention, but I can definitely think of a couple of times where I became sad and upset and ignored her in a few social interactions where I felt I was being ignored. And now I'm just cringing and feeling terrible about that because it seems so immature. I just wanted a peak into her brain to see whether there was something wrong, or what she may be thinking, and I think I found that here; she isn't thinking or doing anything hurtful or negative, she's just being her own individual person with her own connections that she values just as much as our connection. I was being the needy and toxic one for wanting special treatment or attention to ease my insecurities. I was just having so much trouble seeing that healthy and rational mindset, because my own mind has been unhealthy, irrational and needy for so long. It made it hard to see things from the view of a healthy mind that doesn't need constant attention or validation or suffers from extreme and constant insecurities. I think my partner must be like what OP said, where she doesn't NEED this relationship, she's perfectly healthy and content without it, but she must view our relationship as a nice bonus. I had been viewing our relationship as something I NEED to be content and healthy, and all other relationships in my life as less important. Thankfully, I don't think I've gone too far yet, and she's unaware that this was an issue for me, so I have time to fix this behavior and mindset! I really didn't think any of those thoughts, or react the way I did to intentionally be controlling or abusive in any way. Because I truly do love her and value her so much and want her to be happy. But my immature and unhealthy mindset had inadvertently manifested in those toxic thoughts and reactions. I hope I can also become my own strong and independent person, just like her, and be healthier for myself and for our relationship! Thank you all again for your insights and sharing. I'm so sorry that this just turned into a giant vent post for myself, but I really needed this breakthrough.

Exactly my thoughts. This is how it starts, making you feel so uncomfortable and doubting yourself etc. to the point that you try to avoid situations that involve your family and friends.

Please don’t let this happen. Deal with it now.