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Original poster

Boyfriend thinks I act differently with him around others

81 replies

mneters · 30/08/2021 23:04

As the title says really he thinks I ignore him when we are with others and am not myself. We went to stay with my family recently and he felt like I was leaving him out, not including him and was annoyed that when on a family day I was turning to my brother first instead of him.

We had a family meal today and he sent messages saying I was staring at my friend, i laugh at everyone else apart from him etc.

I am not sure if it is me, I am a little socially awkward at times, I am not a public display of affection kind of person and go quieter in larger groups, I do not mean to ignore him and don't feel like I am. The messages he sends makes it worse as I just get annoyed and feel like I cba! I feel partly he has low self esteem is shy himself and needs the attention however I have children, lots of friends etc and sometimes just want to be able to do my own thing and chat to them and he get on with it and chat too without us needing to check in on one another. My brother and one friend are quite dominant people especially in convos so I do wonder if he just feels overlooked but I'm really struggling with this and feel at breaking point because no matter how Many times I've tried to be normal with him he still calls me out on it and I feel like perhaps I'm just not right for him.

Apart from this he is the perfect bf, loving kind and just a generally lovely kind natured person I just don't know what to do because I don't want to walk away but can't find A solution.

OP posts:
Kihanxxxx · 31/08/2021 00:04

Get rid.

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 31/08/2021 00:16

Throw this one back!

Original poster
mneters · 31/08/2021 00:20

I don't think he's expecting me to not talk or see my family as he likes them and gets on with them. I think @moofolk has hit it on the head, I think he feels threatened that I don't need him and have such a strong bond with my brother and best friend, I think he feels I don't have that with him, but what he doesn't understand is that although he is great and helps me out and I know he would do anything for me I don't have years of background with him, my best friend and brother have literally helped me when I was at rock bottom dealing with my kids dad and what he did to me and of course I will have a good laugh and joke and there will be times where's he can't relate. I feel the same when he is with his siblings also as I don't know the background of stories etc but I listen with interest, I work my way round the room and don't need him to be talking and understand he is socialising with others.

OP posts:
lilmishap · 31/08/2021 00:40

I don't think he's expecting me to not talk or see my family as he likes them and gets on with them

He knows that expecting you to cut contact will make you run, he is trying to push you to choose that no contact because he wants you to prove to him you love him more than anyone else.

We are not wrong on this.

There is no friendly way to isolate you without making seeing and interacting with your family so awkward you choose not to do it. You are are already ignoring your brother. He is isolating you successfully.

This is ALWAYS a put you in water and gradually increase the temperature of that water untill you are in boiling water. This is textbook isolation technique.

What happened in his last relationships? were they bitches? liars? cheats?

This is not ok but you seem to be trying to make it seem ok. That is a red flag

AtrociousCircumstance · 31/08/2021 00:45

Get rid of him. The fact that he even thinks this is bad enough but to tell you and to try and undermine and control you, stop you being relaxed and engaged around friends and family - wake up OP. Huge red flags.

lilmishap · 31/08/2021 00:45

After making you ignore family he will start to point out all their flaws, he will accuse them of not wanting to see you, after changing your behaviour so much that your family comment on it- how often did you ignore your brother before him?. When your brother comments that you are ignoring him, he has concerns about your bf..... Your brother doesn't like him, why doesn't your bro like him? why are you still seeing your brother? why are you choosing your brother over him?
He's isolating you. It never seems nasty or it wouldn't work

lilmishap · 31/08/2021 00:52

Abusive men don't get girlfriends so they pretend not to be abusive and make everything rational.

You're posting on MN because your guts telling you this isn't right.

Trust yourself. If you feel frightened of losing him then he is successfully gaining control. No BF should have an issue with your relationship with your brother.

It's not his place to be angry/sad/manipulative about your fucking brother. He's your brother, if you're close he should be accepting of that as part of who you are.

TheChip · 31/08/2021 00:55

The fact you have explained your reasoning for having such a close relationship with your brother to a bunch of strangers on the Internet speaks volumes.

Youre trying to makes sense of something that does not make sense. His behaviour is not normal. Its deliberately not normal. It's not because he doesn't understand. He knows exactly what he is doing. Take the glasses off

Mary1Mary · 31/08/2021 01:47

Sending you secret sly messages when with others is awful behaviour. So is covertly sulking at you.

I bet your family have noticed.

Notstandinguptoday · 31/08/2021 06:44

I’m socially awkward and find it hard to be around dh’s family so I want to have some sympathy for your bf but I would never try to undermine or control dh. Of course he’s going to be relaxed and in his element with them. They’re his family! I might not enjoy being with them but it’s worth it because he’s happy. (and I’m pretty sure he feels similarly about mine)

I think the basic hallmark of a good relationship is both partners wanting the other person to be happy.

This is a massive red flag!

category12 · 31/08/2021 07:44

This is how it starts -

  • making you uncomfortable, self-conscious and second-guessing yourself about your normal behaviour
  • making you feel like you're doing something wrong or hurtful to him when you're not
  • playing the victim
  • starting to get you to behave in new ways that are designed to placate him and distance you from your support network.
putthetubeinthebin · 31/08/2021 08:07

@mneters

I don't think he's expecting me to not talk or see my family as he likes them and gets on with them. I think *@moofolk* has hit it on the head, I think he feels threatened that I don't need him and have such a strong bond with my brother and best friend, I think he feels I don't have that with him, but what he doesn't understand is that although he is great and helps me out and I know he would do anything for me I don't have years of background with him, my best friend and brother have literally helped me when I was at rock bottom dealing with my kids dad and what he did to me and of course I will have a good laugh and joke and there will be times where's he can't relate. I feel the same when he is with his siblings also as I don't know the background of stories etc but I listen with interest, I work my way round the room and don't need him to be talking and understand he is socialising with others.
You feel the same with his siblings and we've all felt like this from time to time. Difference is, we don't sulk about it, send little goats texts and put our insecurities on to our partners.

How soon in the relationship were you at rock bottom and he saved you? I see this as a bit of a ref flag too.

bridgeofslides · 31/08/2021 08:56

@lilmishap

You could try telling him " You obviously have insecurities that no reasonable adult will accommodate so I will no longer have you around my friends and family until you deal with your batshits. I will still see them but you will not be there"

Or get a better a better model of boyfriend.

This
Emma2021 · 31/08/2021 09:26

OP, having read your new comments, time to move on IMO.

Pinkbonbon · 31/08/2021 10:13

When you find yourself trying to change yourself, in order to fix them, it's time to go.

Opaljewel · 31/08/2021 10:47

@mneters

I don't think he's expecting me to not talk or see my family as he likes them and gets on with them. I think *@moofolk* has hit it on the head, I think he feels threatened that I don't need him and have such a strong bond with my brother and best friend, I think he feels I don't have that with him, but what he doesn't understand is that although he is great and helps me out and I know he would do anything for me I don't have years of background with him, my best friend and brother have literally helped me when I was at rock bottom dealing with my kids dad and what he did to me and of course I will have a good laugh and joke and there will be times where's he can't relate. I feel the same when he is with his siblings also as I don't know the background of stories etc but I listen with interest, I work my way round the room and don't need him to be talking and understand he is socialising with others.
Do you understand you don't have to explain your strong bonds to people? Least of all to him! I think it's normal to have such relationships and he is the abnormal one. You see you are already modifying your behaviour by ignoring your poor brother and you still got it in the neck from your so called boyfriend. Get rid it will only get worse.
Mischance · 31/08/2021 10:49

He sounds seriously unhinged!

Catawaul · 31/08/2021 10:53

@TheChip

Definitely red flag.

My ex would do shit like this. The goal is to make you feel as uncomfortable as possible each time you're around these people so eventually you start not wanting to go as much. Before you know it, you don't go at all.

Lightbulb moment here, thank you!
AryaStarkWolf · 31/08/2021 10:55

Weird behaviour, don't let him change who you are and how you act around your friends and family. It's only been 18 months, I'd leave this one behind

TherebytheGraceofGodgoI · 31/08/2021 13:31

How i wish I’d had MN years ago!
Everyone here is giving great advice. He is trying to control you, stop you having your usual relationships with your family and friends.
Trying to isolate you.
Of course he gets on with your family/friends, he does not want them to know how he behaves with you. They will all think he’s a great guy and see that its you who’s changing.
I’m a bit uncomfortable with your post as I’m reading that you are making excuses for him and will try to help him. Please don’t, from experience it only gets worse.
Find someone who delights in you being who you are.

ChargingBuck · 31/08/2021 16:38

I'm really struggling with this and feel at breaking point because no matter how Many times I've tried to be normal with him he still calls me out on it and I feel like perhaps I'm just not right for him.

No OP - it's not you, it's him.
He's too immature to be your b/f.
He can't cope unless he feels he has 100% of your attention. He's prepared to neg & criticise you to get it.

This behaviour will only escalate, it will NOT improve.
He's already making you second-guess yourself & question/micromanage your own normal social interactions. This is no way to live, & he will soon move onto sulking so hard that you don;t even want to socialise with him ... so do yourself a favour, & cut him off before he cust you off from your friends & family.

ChargingBuck · 31/08/2021 16:41

@Emma2021

OP - you need to chat to him and assure him that he is wrong and then possibly adjust your behaviour a little. If he then moves the goal posts, then you need to jog on.
Oh FFS, don't advise OP to bloody appease & facilitate this ridiculous man.

Why should she adjust her behaviour? It's been acceptable to her friends & family for decades, so there's clearly nothing wrong with it, & no need to change it for Johnny-Come-Lately.

ChargingBuck · 31/08/2021 16:43

Ignoring me As in we were sat round a table and everyone was talking, him included and me although I guess not to each other directly, I would make eye contact and he turned his head away as if in disgust/loathing to show he was annoyed.

OP, this is inexcusable.
Dump the twat. He is going to make you miserable if you let him.

PoppenhuisStories · 31/08/2021 17:14

You won’t be able to go out with him and your friends/ family because of his behaviour and it won’t be long before he behaves badly when you go out without him so you won’t do that either. Then you’ll just spend all your time with your otherwise perfect boyfriend, except he isn’t so perfect after all anymore and he’s actually quite controlling and not very nice. Although if you always do what he wants then he might keep being nice to you, except the times he isn’t when even though you’ve played by all his rules and can’t work out what you’ve done to upset him. But hey, you’ll ride it out because he will start being nice again soon enough and you can keep pretending everything’s okay until the next time. RUN.

Shamsa03 · 31/08/2021 17:43

Why do people put up with this crap.
You know it's a red flag else you wouldn't of asked.
Life is too short just get rid.

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