Am I being emotionally abused?

[Fluffle55]

Married for 17 years, he works away on a rotation basis. I’ve had many issues throughout my life stemming from sexual abuse throughout my childhood. About five years ago, I started on the long road to dealing with it, I’ve had lots of counselling, successfully gave up alcohol (4.5 years now) and recently had a very successful course of EMDR therapy. Basically, I’ve worked really fucking hard on my trauma responses with quite a lot of success. I finally feel worthy.
My DH however, has a hairline trigger due to all the resentment built up over the years. I’ve shouldered all of the blame, I’ve always been the problem, he has said all along if I “fix” myself, we will be fine. But we are far from fine.
Yesterday, we had a small disagreement over the length of a walk. He didn’t speak to me all evening, and then when we went to bed he tripped over my shoe and threw it so hard at the wall that the heel came off. This is not the first time he has broken things, hit things in a temper etc. We have had so many conversations about it, but he will not entertain the idea that he needs help to process his own issues.
When he’s away at work, I feel so relaxed, like myself again. I’m beginning to wonder if I’ve been manipulated all these years. Because I’ve always been “the problem”, we are now at a point where he says, does, and behaves how he likes.
Am I being emotionally abused? If any of you have any perspective or similar experiences I would appreciate your opinions.

Life is too short to feel on edge - leave

Hi OP. I also have real trauma I went through in childhood and my husband also has always used it as the problem. If only I would fix myself etc. Similarly to you it has become obvious recently that it I am not the cause of all problems, and actually that what I needed was calm and care. I do think it is a kind of abuse.

It’s like his trump card, that excuses everything else. I know it’s not ok, I can’t continue like this. Sorry to hear you are dealing with similar.

Yes, breaking stuff/punching walls, that sort of thing, are abusive behaviours.

Check out down the list here www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/recognising-domestic-abuse/

Just coming on here and asking the question actually answers it.

No man should behave like that. No woman should have to take it and then wonder if it's her fault

Yes - and it was always my stuff; the more precious I was about it, the more likely it was to end up broken.

[quote category12]Yes, breaking stuff/punching walls, that sort of thing, are abusive behaviours.

Check out down the list here www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/recognising-domestic-abuse/[/quote]
Also to add:
Silent treatment
Feeling like you're walking on eggshells
Feeling like you're the problem "it's your fault, your issues are causing this"

These are also abusive. It's to keep you in check and in line with his way. You may find that now you're dealing with your issues he can see you're gaining confidence in yourself and the abuse may get worse.
Please leave, this man is no good for you

Thanks everyone. I suppose I just needed an outside perspective. My stomach is in knots just thinking of confronting him again. He took my shoe to get fixed but it hasn’t been mentioned, and there is never an apology.
I read all 33 pages of the “listen up everyone” post that is stickied in relationships and it couldn’t have come at a better time. He’s not going to change and no amount of work on my end will fix it.

@Bustamove90 the silent treatment is the worst, sometimes guessing what I’ve done. Weirdly, I applied for a very big job and got it last week. It’s the first time I will be bringing in comparable income and getting on with my career for a change. Now I’m wondering if his tantrum and me getting my life back are linked. He’s scared.

He says "if you fix yourself we will be alright"

So he blames you for his behaviour.

[quote Fluffle55]@Bustamove90 the silent treatment is the worst, sometimes guessing what I’ve done. Weirdly, I applied for a very big job and got it last week. It’s the first time I will be bringing in comparable income and getting on with my career for a change. Now I’m wondering if his tantrum and me getting my life back are linked. He’s scared.[/quote]
Yes it could well be linked. Often in abusive relationship when they feel they're losing control they up the abuse tactics even more. So throwing stuff would make you scared of him for instance.
I've been in an abusive relationship and ended up in a refuge. It does get better once you leave I promise

Well you’ve worked really hard to ‘fix’ yourself and it sounds like you are happy with your progress and where you are right now. Congratulations! I’ve been on a similar journey. I had a traumatic childhood and many years of therapy. There is a real problem with coming from this sort of background in trying to discern which is ‘your’ stuff and which is ‘his’. I think it is probably becoming clearer and you are now separating yours from his. My therapist told me that my life was like a jigsaw. Starting therapy meant turning over all the pieces one by one. When you turn over the first piece it won’t fit with all the other pieces. Those other pieces need to be resolved so they can fit. If any are unchanged they won’t fit with in the picture of the new healthier you. I realised my marriage was abusive and those pieces would never fit. I had to continue my journey alone and fit new pieces to make a new picture of my life. Your partner is now the piece that doesn’t fit. Picture your life how you want it to be and how your DP fits into that. If he doesn’t fit then you may need to end it to complete your new picture. That’s what I did in the end. Take care of yourself OP.

Sounds very abusive to me. Making it all your problem so he can act as he likes.

Seems very clear from this that the problem is him.

Now I’m wondering if his tantrum and me getting my life back are linked. He’s scared.

One hundred percent.

When he’s away at work, I feel so relaxed, like myself again.

This is a powerful sign to you about how much happier your life will be when you aren't in a relationship where you are being a) emotionally abused and b) blamed for it.

I say with a pretty high level of confidence that if your husband is giving you the silent treatment over a walk and throwing shoes at walls and refusing to discuss it afterwards, that once you get some proper space from him you will be shocked by the progressively dawning realisations that regardless of your own issues, you were probably never the primary abuser in your current relationship.

I’ve got the exact same issue in my long term problem but mine doesn’t break things. He has verbal diarrhoea though and uses caustic/cutting words plus temper tantrums verbally/shouting. Mine uses the same “you need to fix it” thing because I’m the “crazy” “psycho” for getting upset/annoyed when he says or shouts something rude/unfair/obnoxious. Like yours he never apologises and we are now in the position of him always being right, can never be pulled up for his behaviour, will use silent treatment that is unending until I admit 100% fault in all arguments.
Following this thread with interest.
I’ve had enough and want out but have no idea how to do it. I have no support system and need to rebuild my life and don’t know how to do it.

He’s going away for 6 eeeks tomorrow. J really need to talk to him but everything will get twisted up and turned back on me. I was thinking of emailing just so I can say what I need to say! I’ve known in my gut for years that this isn’t right, so all of these comments are confirming that I need to get out. Even with the drinking. We would argue if we had both out for the evening, and now I don’t drink, I can see that’s he still a massive tear anyway. I gave up because he said I had a problem, all of my friends were a bit “wtf” about that. I never ever had an issue with alcohol when I was with them, only him. I would absolutely love to have a glass of wine with my friends, but he says that’s a dealbreaker now for him. Jesus, the more I’m writing the more I’m realising what has happened to me is bordering on coercive. Thanks so much for all your comments, they are so helpful to me.

I meant massive twat not tear!

@Smackthepony the pieces don’t fit at all, and I’m forcing myself to be something I’m not.

Well done for doing all that work on yourself, and for the big new job.
Don't waste all that effort on someone who makes you feel shit.

OP - does he ever break "his" stuff, or just yours?

First of all, I'm in awe of you! You've done amazing things to make your life better. The more I read in your op and subsequent posts, the more impressed I am by your strength and determination, and your achievements. Well done on the new job!

And yes, he has been controlling you for years, making you believe that any problems you had as a couple are somehow your fault. What you've done, by dealing with any residual issues you had, is shown him (and the world) that actually you were not the problem. It's thrown his failings in to stark relief.

He won't like that, and will double up on his efforts to pull you down and make you think you're somehow faulty.

Don't believe a word he says. I would use this time apart to get yourself organised, talk to a solicitor, reinforce your belief in yourself, seek support IRL, and keep talking on here.

You deserve better. You are awesome. He is lacking.

He only ever throws my stuff. And if he ever bangs his head or hand then whatever he has banged it on will get a whack. He says it just instantly releases the anger, but he knows I hate it and continues.
Thanks for all your kind comments. I’ve been through a lot of shit, and I met him when I was probably at my most vulnerable. There have been many “jokes” about me being rescued by him, and he has (on the outside) provided us and our children with a secure life. He’s from money, I’m not and he has always had the upper hand because of this.

Just to add, mortgage is in his name, we have a lot of savings in an account that I can’t access and I have a “household” account. Like I said, when we met I was very vulnerable, and I have now got myself in a position that is going to be hard to get out of but at least my eyes are open now.
Thanks to all of you, time to get my ducks in a row

Use this 6 weeks to ‘get your ducks in a row’ to use a well worn MN phrase. Speak to a solicitor. I agree with emailing your DH as you won’t then have to directly face any angry/violent response (I was advised to do this in counselling). However I think the only useful email is the one ending it. If he is prone to the type of triggering outbursts you describe then the ‘I’m leaving you’ conversation could be the most triggering. It doesn’t sound like he is amenable to self reflection so yes I think he will turn any attempt to have an adult conversation into the blame game. It’s about him being on top and in control. You’ve been trying for many years to resolve it and it hasn’t worked. He’s not going to have an epiphany now. You are just continually flogging a dead horse. I was in the same boat. We had the same circular arguments for years until it dawned on me he didn’t want to change. I kept thinking if I could just put it another way so he understands then it will all be fixed! He fully understood already. I wrote emails but the same circular arguments continued electronically. For your own mental health and sanity you need to end it.

I'm glad he's going away for 6 weeks. Hopefully you can get the headspace to make your exit plan.

It's been a long marriage - the house and savings are partly yours whoever's name is on it.

Oh just saw the mortgage is in his name and no access to the savings. I was in exactly the same position. Get yourself a SHL! Speak to Rights of Women for legal advice. At least you are married. I wasn’t.