Am I being emotionally abused?

[Fluffle55]

Married for 17 years, he works away on a rotation basis. I’ve had many issues throughout my life stemming from sexual abuse throughout my childhood. About five years ago, I started on the long road to dealing with it, I’ve had lots of counselling, successfully gave up alcohol (4.5 years now) and recently had a very successful course of EMDR therapy. Basically, I’ve worked really fucking hard on my trauma responses with quite a lot of success. I finally feel worthy.
My DH however, has a hairline trigger due to all the resentment built up over the years. I’ve shouldered all of the blame, I’ve always been the problem, he has said all along if I “fix” myself, we will be fine. But we are far from fine.
Yesterday, we had a small disagreement over the length of a walk. He didn’t speak to me all evening, and then when we went to bed he tripped over my shoe and threw it so hard at the wall that the heel came off. This is not the first time he has broken things, hit things in a temper etc. We have had so many conversations about it, but he will not entertain the idea that he needs help to process his own issues.
When he’s away at work, I feel so relaxed, like myself again. I’m beginning to wonder if I’ve been manipulated all these years. Because I’ve always been “the problem”, we are now at a point where he says, does, and behaves how he likes.
Am I being emotionally abused? If any of you have any perspective or similar experiences I would appreciate your opinions.

Punching walls and the like is a display of strength designed to frighten you and therefore control you. The silent treatment is also a powerful form of control. You are not the problem here. It's a horrible way to live being constantly on edge. There's a better life to be had on the other side of all those eggshells you are navigating. If you do make the jump get support so you are safe.

He's awful OP. Silent treatment is abuse and throwing things is intimidation.

Implying you're barking is gaslighting and exploiting your anxiety about your mental health.

What an incredible woman you are to have come so far with a highly abusive prick trying to drag you down.

Tell him NOTHING until everything is in place.

A SHL can retain a forensic accountant to find ALL monies of which half is yours.

Your children deserve a mother who is not being abused.

Tell people EXACTLY what has been going on.
Allow your Dad and friends support you.

Get the house valued while he is gone, another job done.
Bring this to the SHL.
All and any paperwork and the names of banks/brokerages/investment houses he may use.
The more work YOU do, the less they have to do.
Can you get his pay slip/ annual tax certs etc.

Look at renting a home.

Get anything of value of yours out of the house and keep it at your dads..jewellery, photos etc.

Congratulations on the job.

You have got this.

He is a really bad person.
Get away.

Honestly, if you knew me and knew him you would have no idea this was happening.

Those of us who have been through it might well see the signs if we spent long enough in your company. We understand

Do keep posting, any doubts you have, any questions, we're here for you

Honestly, if you knew me and knew him you would have no idea this was happening.

Doubt it. There are always signs. You'd be surprised how many friends have picked up on it, but didn't want to be unsupportive.

How tech savvy is he OP?

A small alarm bell is ringing with me when you said he kept asking if you were ok. He's sensed a shift in you, a change of mindset. Be careful.

Extremely tech savvy. He gets annoyed with me for being less so. I’ve only just worked out that I could search for things in private mode, after he pointed out that everthing I search comes up on HIS iPad history. I am far from stupid but while he was at private school with all the opportunities life could give, I had left home at 16 and dragged myself through my A-levels while working in a hotel.
@billy1966 thank you for this.
I am going out with some friends tomorrow night, they are pre DH and ironically one of them has a restraining order in place after her partner seriously assaulted her 4 years ago. I think I’ll just tell them everything.
I’m so bloody tired, so much to do and think about but I’ve survived worse than this. Really and truly thanks again for all the amazing advice and support.

Op - get some legal advice and get your plans in place. The fact that he has the house in his name and savings in his name does not matter if you are married; for the proposes of divorce settlement it all goes into one "pot" that the court will look at and divide. However, you don't want him hiding assets etc.

Good woman.
Tell your friends the truth.
It will be such a relief.

Ask them about a SHL.
Hopefully they will have advice too.

You can do this.
You have faced much worse than this and overcome it and thrived.

The paperwork has been so easy to get, it was all there in date order, pensions, mortgage, payslips, passports, birth certs. All scanned.
Off out with my friends in a bit, my Mother in law is coming and she is lovely, we are close so it does squeeze my heart a bit.
Anyway, the ducks are getting in their little row 😀

Oh that is so great to read.
So many women struggle to find the information and it costs and takes time.

Don't forget to get the house valued.
Priced to sell.
Ask for a valuation to be emailed to you.

Enjoy your night out and tell your friends the truth.
You deserve to be supported.

Look at rentals too.
Is he regularly away?

At least he's made this part easy for you OP A night out with friends sounds like exactly what you need, lean on them, it's what friends are for

He goes away for 6 weeks, then is home for 6 weeks. We have been doing this for 10 years, I don’t think I would have made it this far if I didn’t have a break. I am literally two different people.
And in news that will surprise nobody, my friends were not shocked, they knew “something” wasn’t right. And then I almost had a glass of wine. I felt so relieved and normal and confident. I got home to my MIL and we had a chat about things. DH’s Dad is a very similar person, she said that DH had been full of resentment since his siblings were born, and she said although it would break her heart she said not to make the same mistake she has. She also said that he will be absolutely broken by it. Anyway, I’m going to work now, relieved to have something else to think about.

Find your strength and love yourself more this time. You can do this and I won't say it won't be hard, it will be but you will get through this. Tell yourself that.

So delighted you spoke to your friends and that they gave you support and confirmation.

How great your MIL supports you too.

He needs to go to an short term rental when he is due home or you take one.

Could he stay with his mother?

It will be better for you and your children if things are in place before he returns.

I think an email telling him is fine IMO.

I don't believe abusers should be afforded any particular courtesies.

You need to do what is best for you and your children.

If moving out to a rental and instigate the house being sold, so be it.

Use this time wisely to minimise the drama.

Keep posting.

@Fluffle55

He’s going away for 6 eeeks tomorrow. J really need to talk to him but everything will get twisted up and turned back on me. I was thinking of emailing just so I can say what I need to say! I’ve known in my gut for years that this isn’t right, so all of these comments are confirming that I need to get out. Even with the drinking. We would argue if we had both out for the evening, and now I don’t drink, I can see that’s he still a massive tear anyway. I gave up because he said I had a problem, all of my friends were a bit “wtf” about that. I never ever had an issue with alcohol when I was with them, only him. I would absolutely love to have a glass of wine with my friends, but he says that’s a dealbreaker now for him. Jesus, the more I’m writing the more I’m realising what has happened to me is bordering on coercive. Thanks so much for all your comments, they are so helpful to me.

Yep....I was convinced of the same. Was told I was belligerent when drunk when actually it was the only time I stood up to him. So I stopped drinking for 9 years, eventually left him. And now I enjoy my social drinks again with no issues.

So inspiring to read op! a fantastic new life awaits to go with the new job!

If you can detach emotionally, don't react, don't explain, just observe him, his behaviour and note it as evidence instead if saying anything to him , you will be able to get the power back. Say absolutely nothing and do not justify yourself or your actions. Do not even try to reason with him. Be 'grey rock' or shake your head slowly and pityingly. No other reaction.

If you can master that ( try in front of a mirror, with your friends) and start writing down every single thing that he has done to cause you alarm or upset through out your marriage. It will be very cathartic.

Never ever keep abusive treatment a secret. Take photos of damage. Record everything.

Op a fantastic new, peaceful, happy life awaits. That is what you deserve.

Put your new salary into your own new account.

Your DC have witnessed his treatment of you, this is toxic for them and you. No child should ever see a man behave like that. They would have heard things being thrown. This is very chilling for DC. Witnessing and hearing violence and aggressive behaviour like this is classified as child abuse.

Please don't underestimate how damaging it is for wives and DC to live in an environment like this.

You are amazing and you are being proactive to change your lives for the better.

Somethings up. A credit card has just arrived in the post and a pin sentry. He has always written down the credit card number for me to use, but it’s not something to be used freely if you see what I mean. I messaged him and he said “you’ve been saying for ages about having access to the savings and I can’t put you on the account without a pin sentry, it also makes sense for you to have your own credit card” it’s for the same account. Maybe he’s panicking.
Thanks so much for your responses, they honestly fill me with hope. I am not optimistic about it all happening on this time he’s away. For one, I can’t get an estate agent to come, and two, there are no rental properties to be had. He could live with his Mum but interestingly she said she “couldn’t cope with two of them”. Anyway, that’s the latest.

@Smudgingpastels you are absolutely right. I’m not exposing my children to this shit any longer. They are amazing, loving kids and we are so, so close. I love them so much more than I love him.

Just want to say be really careful about telling your MIL everything. She may mean well but she will feel very conflicted. Push comes to shove she won’t want to lose her son. You may end up giving her valuable information that could be used against you.

Be guarded. She is not your Mum.

@Whatdirection

Just want to say be really careful about telling your MIL everything. She may mean well but she will feel very conflicted. Push comes to shove she won’t want to lose her son. You may end up giving her valuable information that could be used against you.

Be guarded. She is not your Mum.

This. Your own family yes, your own friend. Be careful credit card in your name is YOUR debt

I second that. My MIL was all 'we're on your side' until push came to shove when they certainly were not.

This is a good point. I miss my DM so much. MIL is great and supportive but you are right. I will bear this in mind. I’m going to lose all of them as well, my lovely SIL, my nieces and nephews. 😢

I concur with others re your MIL.

She will be conflicted.

She could well have text him that "you had better cop on as fluffle sounds very unhappy and you are taking your marriage for granted...that would be a big mistake".

That is they type of text a mother would send to a son.

Keep looking for a rental.
What's the problem with getting an EA to look at the house.?

OP, I just wanted to say good for you in making the steps to get out of there! I was in a similar situation (just like many others on this site). I also came from a rough past which was used against me and caused me to think I was the problem for years. Any time I wanted to leave, he would do things similar to your DH....buy me gifts, ask if I'm ok, what can he do to make me feel better, etc, etc. I always fell for it and he always went back to how he was. Then he started hitting me.

Please, whatever you do, don't have second thoughts. I know it's hard, we all understand that. But do this for your kids. You don't want them growing up seeing this type of behavior. They need to see mom not tolerating any type of abuse.

Just slowly get everything in order then leave. If you can, try to discreetly record the way he speaks to you or him breaking things. They have cameras that look like regular household objects.

Also, please don't tell his mom too much. That's his mom and no matter what she says, she's on his side. Think about it...if your kid's spouse came to you, you would probably be sympathetic but your loyalty is to your own kid.

Good luck and please get out of there.