Am I being emotionally abused?

[Fluffle55]

Married for 17 years, he works away on a rotation basis. I’ve had many issues throughout my life stemming from sexual abuse throughout my childhood. About five years ago, I started on the long road to dealing with it, I’ve had lots of counselling, successfully gave up alcohol (4.5 years now) and recently had a very successful course of EMDR therapy. Basically, I’ve worked really fucking hard on my trauma responses with quite a lot of success. I finally feel worthy.
My DH however, has a hairline trigger due to all the resentment built up over the years. I’ve shouldered all of the blame, I’ve always been the problem, he has said all along if I “fix” myself, we will be fine. But we are far from fine.
Yesterday, we had a small disagreement over the length of a walk. He didn’t speak to me all evening, and then when we went to bed he tripped over my shoe and threw it so hard at the wall that the heel came off. This is not the first time he has broken things, hit things in a temper etc. We have had so many conversations about it, but he will not entertain the idea that he needs help to process his own issues.
When he’s away at work, I feel so relaxed, like myself again. I’m beginning to wonder if I’ve been manipulated all these years. Because I’ve always been “the problem”, we are now at a point where he says, does, and behaves how he likes.
Am I being emotionally abused? If any of you have any perspective or similar experiences I would appreciate your opinions.

Please use these 6 weeks to speak to a solicitor and start to move on. You deserve happiness and he's never going to change his behaviour. You are being emotionally abused and you now see that so use it to your advantage and keep your mind risen above anything he says to you, stay strong and leave.

My ex used to throw my stuff too. Never his stuff. I absolutely love my books and he often threw them in the bin too when I was halfway through them I had to go and fish them out.

Oh and the "I rescued you" line - mm, yes I had that one too. Although in my case this wasn't true: I had a career and my own property. It's just nonsense they spout to belittle you.

It's cruel and it's abusive. There's no other way of putting it.

I think you are strong enough to leave - it's better to be single than trapped in a relationship like that and long term there are better men out there. I know as I'm now married to one. Totally different to my ex in every way.

This was me ten years ago.

I outgrew him. I was really struggling to hold on to me new found strength. It seemed like he was purposefully trying to put me back down, to keep the old dysfunctional dynamic going. You should be so proud of how far you've come. Keep going you're doing great.

No that is not okay OP. He is very toxic to you as a person and your recovery. You have done sooo well and you should be so proud of yourself. Don't let anyone make you feel awful or abuse you. Get rid.

Don't email him or try talking to him OP, it will change nothing and just expend more of your mental energy on him when you really need it for yourself. These next 6 weeks could be invaluable time for you to formulate a plan for how to detach from him and the less he knows about any of it the better.

Your new job (massive congrats btw ) is very much connected with him acting out so there's every chance he will escalate further if he gets a sniff you're looking to break free, you need a cast iron plan before you tell him anything. Use this thread to figure out what you need to do first, lots of posters here who've been through similar, and maybe have a look at your local DV/WA services, they could help you make a plan.

Your eyes are open now and you can't un-know what you've realised so staying would only do further damage to your self esteem, everything you do now needs to be about what's best for you

What is an SHL? How can I do all this without him finding out? What if he suggests marriage counselling?
I feel so weird, can’t tell if it’s nerves or excitement that I will be able to pull this off.

@Fluffle55

What is an SHL? How can I do all this without him finding out? What if he suggests marriage counselling? I feel so weird, can’t tell if it’s nerves or excitement that I will be able to pull this off.

Sh*t hot lawyer! Look for those who specialise in marriage and abuse.

A lot of stuff can be done online nowadays. Marriage counselling is not recommended where abuse is involved.

There are a lot of very experienced MNr’s here who can point you in the right direction.

Good luck OP

Of course, SHL!!! I’ll need a ball breaker to deal with him I think.

You may have to play the long game depending on your circumstances OP, ideally you would have some money behind you and a plan for living arrangements before you say anything to him but much depends on what you want long term. Would you want to stay in the house ideally or would renting somewhere (or staying with family if that's an option?) be better while you wait for your divorce settlement and know where you stand long term? If you want the house it's usually advised that you don't move out but if you just want your share of the money and can afford to rent short term/have family you could stay with it saves you the hassle of getting him to leave while the divorce process happens.

In any case probably the first thing you need to do is get copies of any financial documents you possibly can, mortgage info, his payslips and details of any savings and pensions plus originals of yours and DC's birth certificates, passports etc. Then it's a case of sorting your living arrangements and finances for the period between separating and the divorce coming through and engaging a SHL, if you can get all that sorted he doesn't need to know anything until you're ready to leave and serve divorce papers.

I'm making it sound simple and I know it really isn't but it is doable and it doesn't all have to be done at once, you can do this at your own pace

He clearly has issues himself. If you ask my ex and father of my two children who I was with for 10 years. I was the problem in our marriage. I was an anxious nervous wreck being married to him. 3 years on without him and he ended up cheating and I threw him out the minute I found out. All my anxiety went the minute I got rid of him. Like you I was fine when he wasn't there and when I was on my own with our children. The minute he got home the atmosphere would change. He was never aggressive with me, yet a lot of mental head games went on in that relationship, which I didn't realise until I had counselling for a year after we ended. I'm so much happier on my own, and my children say they have a much happier mum now.

The minute he got home the atmosphere would change.

Yes, I used to worry that I might have a drinking issue because every day when 6pm drew near, I would start feeling like I needed a glass of wine or two (never more). And yet I never wanted one during the day, didn't feel much like drinking when out with friends and when I went away on business trips I never even thought of it.

Of course later I realised it was because 'D'H was due home from work then and the wine took the edge off the stress I was feeling. Took a while for me to put it together, because I'd been told so many times that all the problems in our relationship were caused by me and my anxiety issues / control issues / overly demanding personality.

@Fluffle55

He’s going away for 6 eeeks tomorrow. J really need to talk to him but everything will get twisted up and turned back on me. I was thinking of emailing just so I can say what I need to say! I’ve known in my gut for years that this isn’t right, so all of these comments are confirming that I need to get out. Even with the drinking. We would argue if we had both out for the evening, and now I don’t drink, I can see that’s he still a massive tear anyway. I gave up because he said I had a problem, all of my friends were a bit “wtf” about that. I never ever had an issue with alcohol when I was with them, only him. I would absolutely love to have a glass of wine with my friends, but he says that’s a dealbreaker now for him. Jesus, the more I’m writing the more I’m realising what has happened to me is bordering on coercive. Thanks so much for all your comments, they are so helpful to me.

It's not boardering. IT IS coercive. Really sorry OP

Sounds to me the lady who posted, myself and the poster above, were all with narcissists. I definitely know I was and I did dodge a bullet and lead a much calmer happier life without the anxiety and mental mind games.

the lady who posted, myself and the poster above, were all with narcissists

I'm not a psychologist and in my ex's case he's not been diagnosed (though from what I know of the feedback he's had from therapists, I wouldn't be surprised if they think it's in the mix), so I can't comment with authority.

All I can say is that through a lot of reading and direct experience, I have a very clear understanding of how emotional abuse techniques operate and how to spot them quickly, a skill I unfortunately did not previously have.

Thank so much for all the advice.
He’s gone now, he kept asking if I was ok. I feel sad and drained but thanks to PP’s I can now start getting this all together. I’ll make a file inside a file on my laptop.
Ideally I would like to stay in the house, but I think he would want to sell. He earns significantly more than me, and I would have real problems trying to save money but I can try. My Dad may help me if I had to ask, but he would be so shocked that this is happening. I don’t know if anyone would believe me. My DM died really suddenly two years ago, she would have been on my doorstep packing my bags for me if she’d known. Other than that, I do have a lot of friends and other family but none of them know anything that’s been going on. Thanks again for all the support, practical and otherwise xx

Start speaking to people about what's been happening. Shining a light on it will help.

Speak to a solicitor asap - it may be you can negotiate a greater proportion of the house against your claim on his pension, plus your housing need with the children is greater. Would you be in a position to buy him out on your new salary?

category12's post pretty much says everything I came back to say OP, all the shame and responsibility for what's been happening is your H's, not yours and while people may be shocked anyone who cares about you would want to know so they can help you.

And yes, see a solicitor asap if you might want to try and keep the house, you'll probably have to pay for the first appointment but they may well be happy to take the rest out of your settlement so that would be one less obstacle to worry about. Take what financial documents you can find with you, the more info they have the better idea they can give you of where you might stand when it's all done and dusted.

I hardly slept last night. Has anyone ever fixed something like this? The poor kids are going to be destroyed. They’re only 11 and 13, they love there Dad and he loves them. Is it fixable??

Your kids won't be destroyed, they have you. What will destroy them (speaking from my own experience here) is you staying with an abusive man who always gets his own way and you tiptoe around him and constantly appease him. That is a headfuck. You will subconsciously project the fall out of that on to your kids if you stay, it is impossible not to. My Mum never cottoned on to that.
Teach your children it is ok to assert yourself and care about yourself enough to walk away from a situation when it isn't working. Trust yourself and your own instincts and start a new life with your children.

Also, him constantly asking you if you are ok is another way to turn it back on you. I know a lot of abusers who function like that. It stops them asking themselves what they have done.

@Fluffle55

I hardly slept last night. Has anyone ever fixed something like this? The poor kids are going to be destroyed. They’re only 11 and 13, they love there Dad and he loves them. Is it fixable??

No, it's not. If he didn't want to behave like that and blame you for everything he wouldn't. Nothing you can do will stop him. He might be on his best behaviour for a while but he'll just go back to all he knows. And it will go on, ad nauseum.

Your children will be much better off growing up in a warm, safe, stress and abuse free household rather than having your marriage as an example of what a normal relationship should be like. That sounds harsh, I know, but I took all manner of abuse from my husband because it was what I had learned growing up.

You said he kept asking if you were okay. That wasn't because he was concerned for you, he was concerned for himself. He feels something is upsetting his applecart.

Go back a few posts to where you were planning to get your ducks in a row and take it from there. Please consider contacting Women's Aid, they can give you recommendations for a SHL and guide you through the process, both practical and emotional. Well done on getting to the stage you're at already, that in itself is a big step

You acknowledged upthread that you can't fix this OP, he possibly could with huge amounts of effort, therapy and honest self reflection but we both know he won't. I know how overwhelming that feeling of wanting to find any other solution apart from uprooting everyone's lives by separating is but there comes a point where you have to accept that there really is no fixing him.

Lots of great advice here, @Fluffle55 - I hope you'll take it on board and act on it. The best you can do for your children is get them out of this abusive environment.

Don't email. Keep your powder dry. I'd be concerned that, having got a big job, he'll do everything he can to sabotage it. All the while dressing it up as looking out for you....

Use the time while he is away to get your ducks in a row. Find his tax returns - it'll contain information about his interest/dividends from his savings/investments. Find salary slips and evidence of pension contributions. Remember, pensions can be more valuable than houses - and you are entitled to your rightful share.

Wikivorce is a good starting point but, as has been mentioned, you'll need a Rottweiler of a lawyer. And, if you have any mental energy left, read Lundy Bancroft's book - it's free online.

Link to a free pdf of the Lundy Bancroft book OP ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

You’re all right. I’m panicking. My head is so fucked I can’t think straight.
Tomorrow is the day I start on the paperwork. He has no internet for the next few days so at least I get a break from the daily facetimes. Honestly, if you knew me and knew him you would have no idea this was happening.
Thanks for the advice about pensions, I didn’t know that was the case.
I’ll keep you posted, thanks so much for your level headed advice, it’s literally keeping my head above water.