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Original poster

Frozen out

93 replies

greyeyedgirl · 29/08/2021 18:24

We moved to a new area 3 years ago. It’s been hard to make new mum friends as I work full time and people have enough friends. However I was settling in and started to slowly make friends. At a an evening gathering at one of the mums houses were gossiping over Prosecco and having a laugh. I repeated some trivial gossip to one of the mums and she got really upset. I didn’t really understand why but turns out it was about her and her family. I had no way of knowing whether it was or wasn’t about them. I apologized and she tried to force me to tell me who had said it. I refused as I didn’t want to break the persons confidence. Also it was one of the mums who is really good friends with her. So I didn’t want to create a shit storm between them as it really was trivial. This mum has now made it ‘a thing’. I FaceTimed and apologized for gossiping but wouldn’t say who had told me and she said she respected my decision and I closed out saying I hoped it wouldn’t affect our friendship. She has now frozen me out of this group of friends. I’ve been removed from all the chats and my daughter is excluded from the activities of the other children. Individually the mums are still nice to me and friendly but it’s very awkward in the play ground to the extent I dread picking up my kids for fear of bumping into her or her husband. I have tried killing them with kindness and proactively passed pleasantries but remain frozen out and excluded. I have made some other mum friends who are lovely. But my daughter is not in their year and is now not close friends with the daughters as they all do stuff together and sleepovers AIBU to think this is bullying. What can I do to improve the situation.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 29/08/2021 18:41

No, it's not bullying. They are not being unkind to you and are under no obligation to be your friends. You opened your mouth and let your belly rumble and now you are paying the price unfortunately.

I do sympathise op. Even more with your daughter.
But they are not your friends anymore. Stop being nicely nicely to them and focus on your new friends instead. Your child can make new friends too. Maybe enrol her in something like the guides.

crapcrap · 29/08/2021 18:42

No it's not bullying.
This is why you don't talk about other people. You've bought this upon yourself by speaking out of turn about someone you clearly don't know anything about and they've decided (rightly so) that they can't trust you.
Not only that but she wants to know who's been talking about her and you've refused to tell her. You say you don't want to break that persons trust but you've literally proven to her that you cannot be trusted.
She has not made it 'a thing'. She is probably really hurt that someone is going round talking about her.
This is on you. Don't talk about people and situations you don't know about. Your poor daughter is now excluded due to your actions.
Probably best you don't do anything. Leave them be.

HarrietSchulenberg · 29/08/2021 18:42

You've done your best with the mums but it looks like time to move on from that group, I don't think it's going to change. If their girls are excluding your dd at school, that's bullying. You could either encourage new friendships or consider talking to school about it.

frerecoler · 29/08/2021 22:35

It's not bullying but it's time to move on. Concentrate on your new friends. Your daughter will be ok. She doesn't need to hang out with kids specifically her age.

summercupcake · 29/08/2021 22:42

Well now that you've been frozen out the friendship group anyway, perhaps you should tell her that her good friend is gossiping about her.

Emma2021 · 29/08/2021 22:42

"facetime - any other social media time imo is trouble

Learn from your mistake, EG, don't spout stuff about people where you are not sure who you are with.

Bottom line about being "frozen out" is the fact they have moved on and that is a fact. Yes, it hurts most people but you either move on or get hurt even more when they mock you and worse.

Lear from it and move on

i have no friends, it hurts but I guess I take no BS, lies, etc so I have to live with it. One thing I've not done since my very, very early 20's is to chatter, cuss people to people I do not really know as I could be taking to their OH/sibling/friend/etc/etc.

Take care and please move on and some may like you for the real you.

SnatchCassidy · 29/08/2021 22:46

I wouldn't say it's bullying but I'm interested in how the person who gave you the Goss is dealing with it. Has she apologized for getting you in this mess or has she just thrown you to the wolves and pretends to be all nice to the mum she gossipped about and still enjoying being her friend while you fat frozen out? If she is then I wouldn't hesitate in naming her as the source. Id also call her a shit stirring cow to her face.

SnatchCassidy · 29/08/2021 22:47

It did not type fat frozen ffs lol 🤣

Anordinarymum · 29/08/2021 22:49

You made a mistake. Move on and find your tribe and do not gossip.

Cloudfrost · 29/08/2021 22:55

to be honest i wouldnt like to your friend either in that womans place when u refused to say who told u the gossip in the first place. that would just tell me u arent really a friend and u will never have my back cause u want to be switzerland in conflicts

Cloudfrost · 29/08/2021 22:57

and no, dont be daft this is not bullying

she doesnt want to associate with you in any form cause she considers you untrustworthy

JackieQueen · 29/08/2021 23:29

I don't think it's bullying, its not wanting to be friends with a gossip!

Winemewhynot · 29/08/2021 23:37

Of course it’s not bullying! That’s what you get for gossiping, it’s a hard lesson for you to learn and your daughter is guilty by association unfortunately. Loose lips sink ships!

Catlover1970 · 30/08/2021 00:00

I can see why they have frozen you out. You need to draw a line under it and move on. They want to and you are not accepting it. Try and be a better person

BeachDrifting · 30/08/2021 05:27

Oh dear. This is a tough lesson. Do not idle gossip. Don’t listen to it or engage in it. When that woman told you the gossip you should have walked away. Saying I’m not interested in hearing this. You’ve got to be trustworthy and authentic to make friends. They’ve frozen you out because you were hurtful. You now have to make new friends or move your kid to a new school/area and start again and learn your lesson “loose lips sink ships”

Why2why · 30/08/2021 05:35

You did something that most people could find themselves doing.

I’m sorry this is happening to you. You did not realise the gossip was about your friend and you were right to not reveal who said it because this would have led to even more problems.

Don’t beat yourself up. Move on. My only advice for the future is to not get too close to school mums. Keep it at a level and that way you avoid all this drama.

Monty27 · 30/08/2021 06:03

You fucked up OP.
You can't expect to be a welcomed new member of a friendship group if they don't trust you.
Time to move on. More the wiser.

PallasStrand · 30/08/2021 07:06

Sorry, OP, you’re just dealing with the negative consequences of your own actions here — no one is obliged to be your friend. Move on.

Miniroofbox · 30/08/2021 07:08

It’s not bullying.

I wouldn’t want to be your friend either

Think before you gossip next time.

SnatchCassidy · 30/08/2021 07:57

Well I still think the one who told you the gossip and is now sitting back watching you be the fall guy is being a bit of a cunt here. I'd out her and fuck the consequences. Let her see how it feels to be cut out for gossipping.

LittleRedPill · 30/08/2021 08:16

You are not being bullied. Stop that victim mentality right now.

You passed on some hurtful gossip and now they don’t want to be friends with you - probably because they don’t think you’re a very nice person. Fair enough IMO. I kind of admire them for having firm boundaries.

Your daughter will be ok, as will you. But I urge you to learn from this and think carefully before you gossip in future. I can see this is not vet nice for you but they are under no obligation to be your friends and withdrawing from you is not bullying.

LittleRedPill · 30/08/2021 08:17

*very nice!

Why2why · 30/08/2021 08:26

OP I don’t know why people are giving you a hard time over this as if they have never gossiped or never gossip.

People swap stories with friends all the time. The problem is in this case you unwittingly shared a story to a friend that was actually about the friend.

You did the honourable thing by not revealing who told you because that would lead to an even bigger drama.

It’s interesting how much you are being condemned here for something I pretty sure most of the condemners do.

It is bullying (by definition) but not something you should get worked up about. You should move on. They are excluding you and “punishing” you for a perceived crime. It is emotional abuse but you have a choice to work away.

keeping2chevronsapart · 30/08/2021 08:26

She's sounds horrible. She was happy to gossip about other people over Prosecco but didn't like being on the receiving end!

bigbaggyeyes · 30/08/2021 08:29

It's a terrible situation for you and your dd and unfortunately, the gossip would have been fine if it was about someone else. Sounds like she's the queen bee and you've been unfortunate not to have known your audience. Nothing you can do now tho.

Move on and concentrate on the friends you have and make new ones. Like a child feels, primary school feels like forever, but it's soon over and the drop offs/pick ups and school playground politics become a dim and distant memory soon enough (thank god)