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Original poster

Frozen out

93 replies

greyeyedgirl · 29/08/2021 18:24

We moved to a new area 3 years ago. It’s been hard to make new mum friends as I work full time and people have enough friends. However I was settling in and started to slowly make friends. At a an evening gathering at one of the mums houses were gossiping over Prosecco and having a laugh. I repeated some trivial gossip to one of the mums and she got really upset. I didn’t really understand why but turns out it was about her and her family. I had no way of knowing whether it was or wasn’t about them. I apologized and she tried to force me to tell me who had said it. I refused as I didn’t want to break the persons confidence. Also it was one of the mums who is really good friends with her. So I didn’t want to create a shit storm between them as it really was trivial. This mum has now made it ‘a thing’. I FaceTimed and apologized for gossiping but wouldn’t say who had told me and she said she respected my decision and I closed out saying I hoped it wouldn’t affect our friendship. She has now frozen me out of this group of friends. I’ve been removed from all the chats and my daughter is excluded from the activities of the other children. Individually the mums are still nice to me and friendly but it’s very awkward in the play ground to the extent I dread picking up my kids for fear of bumping into her or her husband. I have tried killing them with kindness and proactively passed pleasantries but remain frozen out and excluded. I have made some other mum friends who are lovely. But my daughter is not in their year and is now not close friends with the daughters as they all do stuff together and sleepovers AIBU to think this is bullying. What can I do to improve the situation.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 30/08/2021 10:05

@Suzi888

ConfusedIt may not be the formal definition of ‘bullying’ but Jesus it isn’t nice is it? I’m sure it doesn’t extend to just hosting the OP child. Of course she can’t expect that. It probably extends to being ignored during the school day at best, or being gossiped about. What have these children been told about this situation I wonder! Hmm
They’ve probably been told these mums no longer think OP is their friend and her family aren’t people they want their children to associate with.

There’s nothing weird about that.

How many people encourage their kids to spend time with people they don’t like, why would they?

Why2why · 30/08/2021 10:06

But that isn’t the context, is it? The OP and her daughter are being excluded as a form of punishment.

Goldbar · 30/08/2021 10:09

@AnneLovesGilbert. I'm astounded that you can't see that it's wrong to treat a little girl like that.

If you don't like the parents, fine, don't be friends with them. Don't invite them in for coffee when they pick their child up from your house and don't go out of your way to spend time with them. But deliberately excluding the child is spiteful behaviour. If the OP's DD is old enough for sleepovers, she's old enough to be invited without her parents.

AhNowTed · 30/08/2021 10:13

@AnneLovesGilbert
"They’ve probably been told these mums no longer think OP is their friend and her family aren’t people they want their children to associate with.

There’s nothing weird about that. "

Oh yes there is!! You would exclude an innocent child because her family is somehow "undesirable"?

Bluntness100 · 30/08/2021 10:19

She’s not said the child is excluded at school, people are making a leap there, she’s only said the child is excluded from after school things they do as a group,

If there is an issue in school then that’s different.

workshy44 · 30/08/2021 10:56

God I can't believe the responses here - it seems a massive over reaction to me. They were all gossiping so they clearly have nothing against gossip in theory, it only became a problem for them when it turned out it was about one of them
People are so pious, so you never ever discuss anyone else or events relating to people you know ?? I simply have never come across such people in real life
I think excluding her daughter from activities is incredibly mean spirited. I invite kids over of people I don't particularly like all the time, I don't blame the child.
If the other parents are nice I expect they believe it to be an over reaction too- I would try meet the ones your are closest to one on one and build friendships excluding the one who has taken issue with you.

Goldbar · 30/08/2021 11:08

@workshy44. Completely agree! Interfering in kids' friendships due to adult squabbles is unpleasant behaviour.

lking679 · 30/08/2021 11:16

I think what would’ve hurt me is you being free to share the gossip but then not admitting who told you. That’s the betrayal and hurt. I’d want to know which close friend had spread gossip about me and someone refusing to say who it was after I’d been hurt by it would be really hard.

Now the person who has been gossiped about knows that someone close has been unkind about her, and that you know, but won’t say who. That’s the betrayal really and probably reason she can’t trust you and has frozen you out.
I’d move on, these things happen, lessons learned.

Suzi888 · 30/08/2021 11:18

[quote Goldbar]@workshy44. Completely agree! Interfering in kids' friendships due to adult squabbles is unpleasant behaviour.[/quote]
^ this!

SpindleWhorl · 30/08/2021 11:22

You should tell her who said it.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/08/2021 11:36

Without knowing exactly what OP was gossiping about all we can go on is how extreme the reaction of the woman whose family it was about was.

She was appalled and hurt and has reacted accordingly. It was something the woman found very upsetting that OP thought was fodder for chit chat at a party.

Who’s being pious? The virtue signallers on here seem to think it’s perfectly fine to bitch about other people for social currency then wail “won’t someone think of the poor child”.

OP’s daughter is her concern, not anyone else’s. She shat the bed here, not the woman who was upset by the nasty gossiping and has sensibly pulled back.

What OP sees as an effort to be forgiven by love bombing them probably seems passive aggressive and weird. Which has made them double down.

These obviously weren’t close or meaningful relationships, these people made an effort, OP got caught being nasty. She won’t do it again will she…

Emma2021 · 30/08/2021 13:25

It is hard when one feels "frozen out" but that is life and it is sad if you keep on wanting to be chums with someone that does not. Move on and learn not to open your mouth to people you don't really know that well with titbits.

GreyCarpet · 30/08/2021 13:25

@Why2why

But that isn’t the context, is it? The OP and her daughter are being excluded as a form of punishment.
Punishment or just boundaries?

People.are allowed to have boundaries amd they are allowed to decide who they are friends with. They are allowed to.laoe those decisions based upon any reason they choose.

It would be bullying if they were putting pressure on other people to also reject friendship with them as a means of total socialmisolation. It would be bullying if it was inconsistent and so the child was their friend one day amd not the next repeatedly. It would be bullying if they encouraged others to join in.

I'm a primary teacher. I get children complaining of others bullying them all the time. Sometimes it's true but sometimes it's just that other children don't want to play with them ebcaiee of something they have done - amd they have a right to do that.

It's unfortunate for this child that it's her mother's behaviour that caused this and not hers but it still isn't bullying.

fuckoffImcounting · 30/08/2021 13:32

I am astonished at the number of posters who say they refrain from gossip - telling stories is what people do - everybody gossips and if they think they don't, they are a bit low on self-awareness. The OP did nothing wrong, just a misjudgement in a new group. OP you need to move on, this group has pulled up their judgey pants very tightly and have frozen you out, sadly, they have a school girl mentality. Find some better people, onward and upward - they sound like cunts.

PallasStrand · 30/08/2021 13:41

@fuckoffImcounting

I am astonished at the number of posters who say they refrain from gossip - telling stories is what people do - everybody gossips and if they think they don't, they are a bit low on self-awareness. The OP did nothing wrong, just a misjudgement in a new group. OP you need to move on, this group has pulled up their judgey pants very tightly and have frozen you out, sadly, they have a school girl mentality. Find some better people, onward and upward - they sound like cunts.
Maybe you just choose to be around petty, nosy people with no other topics of conversation than what her from number thirty said about Linda’s ex-husband, or the cost of Gemma’s new kitchen, but I assure you other topics do exist.
Why2why · 30/08/2021 15:09

@fuckoffImcounting

I am astonished at the number of posters who say they refrain from gossip - telling stories is what people do - everybody gossips and if they think they don't, they are a bit low on self-awareness. The OP did nothing wrong, just a misjudgement in a new group. OP you need to move on, this group has pulled up their judgey pants very tightly and have frozen you out, sadly, they have a school girl mentality. Find some better people, onward and upward - they sound like cunts.
Apart from the swearing, I agree completely.
Bluntness100 · 30/08/2021 15:10

I also don’t believe this exclusion is a punishment, I think whomever it is is really hurt and offended by what’s been said and she’s put a boundary in place against the op which has sadly impacted her daughter becayse by inviting the daughter they need to see the op.

This woman did have an extreme reaction and rhe op even face timed her to apologise, so I’d suspect that although she’s saying it was trivial she knows full well it was not. The whole discussion she had with the op indicates it was something signficant and as she dreads seeing the husband too I suspect it involves him too.

Yes, everyone gossips, everyone tells stories, but you know your audience before you do it.

Winemewhynot · 30/08/2021 16:03

As long as the kids are being nasty to OPs DD at school then there isn’t an issue. Yes it’s a shame for the daughter but I’d imagine OPs ex friends are encouraging their kids to invite other children instead of her. Surely people wouldn’t actively encourage a friendship out of school when you don’t like the family Hmm

And yes everyone engages in idle chit chat gossip, but not in a new friendship grow up when you haven’t a clue what your talking about! Cumon OP know your audience 😂😂

Goldbar · 30/08/2021 17:23

Ostracising a small child for something which has nothing to do with them is disgusting behaviour.

Drinkingallthewine · 30/08/2021 17:25

ooof OP, I moved to a small village 4 years ago and with my typical Foot-in-Mouth condition, could easily have been someone who did that. Luckily I'd been burned before on a far lesser scale pre-kids so was very careful - and there has been times where I've been about to say something and thought 'oh, best not, just in case and find out later that X is married to Y who's sister was the subject of the gossip.

It may have been an extreme reaction - but then again, we don't know what it was. If you were repeating gossip that was deeply personal or even painful for her, making her the butt of a village joke that's got to sting a lot and I could fully understand her being so angry with you refusing to tell her who told you.

I think all you can do now is either admit who told you - and risk another ostracisation of a different flavour, or stick to your guns but ask them that your DD wouldn't be excluded from her friendship groups as a result of your actions. If they are reasonable women then they'll see that would be unfair, but if they dont, then it indicates who they really are and chances are your DD would be better off with other friends anyway.

Plumtree391 · 30/08/2021 17:35

I don't think you can put this right. All you can do is learn from the experience - never repeat gossip.

Plumtree391 · 30/08/2021 17:36

@fuckoffImcounting

I am astonished at the number of posters who say they refrain from gossip - telling stories is what people do - everybody gossips and if they think they don't, they are a bit low on self-awareness. The OP did nothing wrong, just a misjudgement in a new group. OP you need to move on, this group has pulled up their judgey pants very tightly and have frozen you out, sadly, they have a school girl mentality. Find some better people, onward and upward - they sound like cunts.
I can assure you not everyone does gossip.
Original poster
greyeyedgirl · 30/08/2021 18:08

Thanks all, and I have learned a very hard lesson. I will cut my losses and am thinking maybe I should have thrown her friend under the bus!

OP posts:
ChateauxNeufDePoop · 30/08/2021 18:15

@greyeyedgirl

Thanks all, and I have learned a very hard lesson. I will cut my losses and am thinking maybe I should have thrown her friend under the bus!
Still no.
SnatchCassidy · 30/08/2021 18:18

@greyeyedgirl

Thanks all, and I have learned a very hard lesson. I will cut my losses and am thinking maybe I should have thrown her friend under the bus!
Well a so called good friend who gossips about her behind her back deserves throwing under a bus. I wouldn't have hesitated.
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