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Original poster

Frozen out

93 replies

greyeyedgirl · 29/08/2021 18:24

We moved to a new area 3 years ago. It’s been hard to make new mum friends as I work full time and people have enough friends. However I was settling in and started to slowly make friends. At a an evening gathering at one of the mums houses were gossiping over Prosecco and having a laugh. I repeated some trivial gossip to one of the mums and she got really upset. I didn’t really understand why but turns out it was about her and her family. I had no way of knowing whether it was or wasn’t about them. I apologized and she tried to force me to tell me who had said it. I refused as I didn’t want to break the persons confidence. Also it was one of the mums who is really good friends with her. So I didn’t want to create a shit storm between them as it really was trivial. This mum has now made it ‘a thing’. I FaceTimed and apologized for gossiping but wouldn’t say who had told me and she said she respected my decision and I closed out saying I hoped it wouldn’t affect our friendship. She has now frozen me out of this group of friends. I’ve been removed from all the chats and my daughter is excluded from the activities of the other children. Individually the mums are still nice to me and friendly but it’s very awkward in the play ground to the extent I dread picking up my kids for fear of bumping into her or her husband. I have tried killing them with kindness and proactively passed pleasantries but remain frozen out and excluded. I have made some other mum friends who are lovely. But my daughter is not in their year and is now not close friends with the daughters as they all do stuff together and sleepovers AIBU to think this is bullying. What can I do to improve the situation.

OP posts:

Original poster

greyeyedgirl · 30/08/2021 18:21

For those interested in gossip. I repeated that i was told that some parents suck up to the teachers so their child gets to be ‘Mary’ in the Christmas play etc. Chocs, wine, vouchers and so on. It turns out the woman’s child was Mary the year when we weren’t at the school. She feels people are thinking she bribed the teacher and what’s to know who said it

OP posts:

Blanca87 · 30/08/2021 18:24

This thread is totally going to be in the daily fail, tomorrow.....

PallasStrand · 30/08/2021 18:25

@greyeyedgirl

Well, that sounds quite mad, and suggests revealing things about this woman’s psyche — it wasn’t even about her, it was a silly, clichéd generalisation she believed was directed at her?

Bluntness100 · 30/08/2021 18:37

@greyeyedgirl

That sounds odd. And really not plausible.

Original poster

greyeyedgirl · 30/08/2021 18:39

I promise that’s what it’s about and why I apologised unreservedly

OP posts:

Onelifeonly · 30/08/2021 18:50

Well OP, obviously you shouldn't have repeated a general statement like that to anyone involved with the school without knowing who the 'some parents' were.

But why this mum wanted to know who said it suggests it's actually only her, or she believes it to be directed at her.

Personally I would never tell someone anything negative that another person had said about them, so I don't think you should "throw the other mum under a bus". If someone has a negative view of someone else, it's up to them if they wish to tell that person. If you're told something in confidence, you don't break that confidence (unless it concerns a situation where someone could be in danger - thinking child protection here).

As for the friendships, move on. Playground friendships can often be tricky anyway, especially as kids get older and express dislike of school 'friends' whose parents could be your friends, or vice versa.

workshy44 · 30/08/2021 18:56

Oh god this really is so trivial and to be honest I would take as a joke if someone said it to me and my kid was Mary. The only reasons she is upset I suspect is because there is an element of truth to it !

Winemewhynot · 30/08/2021 18:57

I thought it would be something more juicy than that! Like the teacher was having an affair with her DH

Just cut your losses now, don’t beg, the friendship is over, encourage your DD to build new friendships too just incase things turn sour for her too.

FatLarrysBand · 30/08/2021 18:59

Jesus. You're getting some stick.

This woman clearly wasn't taking a highly-principled stance on gossiping, ffs. She was happy until it turned out to be about her. What a woman.

But I think you're probably fucked with this group. I hope you (and more importantly your daughter) can make friends elsewhere. There's a handful of mums I can't stick, but I'd never extend that to their kids. It's very unpleasant that they're encouraging their daughters to freeze yours out.

Good luck, and limit your booze intake next time.

PallasStrand · 30/08/2021 18:59

@greyeyedgirl

I promise that’s what it’s about and why I apologised unreservedly

But why apologise, OP? You gave the impression in your first post that you had repeated some actual gossip that turned out to be about the friend you said it to, whereas in fact all you say you did now was to repeat an unoriginal primary school urban myth about parental sucking up affecting the casting of nativity plays (which comes up on here fifty times annually, taken extremely personally!) which she took bizarrely personally.

Apologising only made you look guilty, and as if there was something far nastier going on! To clarify, the person who originally said the thing about parental sucking up — she didn’t reference your friend, did she?

QueenHofScotland · 30/08/2021 19:03

That was it?!

If that’s all it was I would totally have laughed it off. Even if I was a big pissed off with you!

If that is genuinely all you said then this mum has totally over reacted!

On another note…do people actually pay off teachers with gifts for this kind of thing?!

PallasStrand · 30/08/2021 19:05

Oh, and DS had the lead in the reception nativity play despite me having met the teacher precisely once that term because I never did the school run. The year one lead was a deeply annoying child who was always in trouble but had a strong, confident voice and (it turned out) a comic gift. (DS was Second Sheep.) Year two casting was intended to bring a shy child who hadn’t integrated well out of herself. (DS and his best friend had graduated back to being narrators, but mostly picked their noses.)

I never noticed any correlation between parental hovering/gifts and casting.

Appleofmyeye05 · 30/08/2021 19:48

I think if that was me in that situation, I’d of thought that it was ‘safe’ to repeat within the group as It came from a group member, IMO the person should of said it was a member of the group who had done this or several members or said don’t repeat it because it’s Beth in our group.

But I do think the mum has over reacted to be honest, I was thinking it would be a real ‘juicy’ topic, not that she had given the teacher a box of Lindt chocs and a bottle of wine.

I think you’ve been made out to be a gossip, OP but I think you’ve dodged a bullet with this group. But I’d be tempted to send a message to the mum and say who it was who said it , but would you feel more uncomfortable in the playground if you did and would your daughter face more exclusion?

I also think, you’ve made it into a bit of a thing by not telling in the first instance, if it was so innocent then I’d of said who it was on the first asking.

SnatchCassidy · 30/08/2021 19:50

@greyeyedgirl

But her problem is still that there's someone in her circle she can't trust who gossipped to you. I'd imagine that's even worse than the fact you repeated it. Does that person still pretend to be her friend?

Lindy2 · 30/08/2021 20:05

Clearly the Mary comments hit a nerve with her so they're probably spot on.

If I was in your position I'd chuck the metaphorical stick of dynamite and I'd message her and say you've decided you should let her know where the comments came from and name the other "friend".

Then walk away and find some other people to be friends with.

Original poster

greyeyedgirl · 30/08/2021 20:13

The person is still her friend. I felt I should apologise for repeating gossip and also for not revealing who told me. I felt at the time that I should respect the confidence of who told me even though I had blabbed. But I think I probably should have just said who it was. At the event no one was upset about the comment and the discussion just continued and the conversation moved on. It became an issue the next day. Apparently the woman told her husband and he got the hump and then she started texting me saying how upset they both were. I then FaceTimed her to talk it through and apologise. :(

OP posts:

BeenAroundTheWorldAndIII · 30/08/2021 20:20

Jeez!! What an over reaction 🙄 hardly gossip that. Thought it would have been something like one of the school mums was shagging the gardener or something.

HiScore · 30/08/2021 20:34

Wow some of the posters are so pious and holier than thou, after reading what the ‘gossip’ actually was, a lot of the earlier comments are pretty unfair.

OP it’s more like a sense of humor failure from these mums, rise above it and find some better friends. Maybe it was true though for her to react so strongly 🤔

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