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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Frozen out

93 replies

greyeyedgirl · 29/08/2021 18:24

We moved to a new area 3 years ago. It’s been hard to make new mum friends as I work full time and people have enough friends. However I was settling in and started to slowly make friends. At a an evening gathering at one of the mums houses were gossiping over Prosecco and having a laugh. I repeated some trivial gossip to one of the mums and she got really upset. I didn’t really understand why but turns out it was about her and her family. I had no way of knowing whether it was or wasn’t about them. I apologized and she tried to force me to tell me who had said it. I refused as I didn’t want to break the persons confidence. Also it was one of the mums who is really good friends with her. So I didn’t want to create a shit storm between them as it really was trivial. This mum has now made it ‘a thing’. I FaceTimed and apologized for gossiping but wouldn’t say who had told me and she said she respected my decision and I closed out saying I hoped it wouldn’t affect our friendship. She has now frozen me out of this group of friends. I’ve been removed from all the chats and my daughter is excluded from the activities of the other children. Individually the mums are still nice to me and friendly but it’s very awkward in the play ground to the extent I dread picking up my kids for fear of bumping into her or her husband. I have tried killing them with kindness and proactively passed pleasantries but remain frozen out and excluded. I have made some other mum friends who are lovely. But my daughter is not in their year and is now not close friends with the daughters as they all do stuff together and sleepovers AIBU to think this is bullying. What can I do to improve the situation.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 30/08/2021 08:31

You’re not being bullied
Actions have consequences.

PallasStrand · 30/08/2021 08:32

@Why2why

OP I don’t know why people are giving you a hard time over this as if they have never gossiped or never gossip.

People swap stories with friends all the time. The problem is in this case you unwittingly shared a story to a friend that was actually about the friend.

You did the honourable thing by not revealing who told you because that would lead to an even bigger drama.

It’s interesting how much you are being condemned here for something I pretty sure most of the condemners do.

It is bullying (by definition) but not something you should get worked up about. You should move on. They are excluding you and “punishing” you for a perceived crime. It is emotional abuse but you have a choice to work away.

I don’t gossip. In the OP’s shoes, as a newish arrival to the area and the friendship group, I certainly wouldn’t be so dopey as to repeat gossip I’d heard from someone else without recognising that it’s perfectly possible I’m repeating it to the involved party or their sister/cousin/best friend. It’s common sense.
Why2why · 30/08/2021 08:35

@PallasStrand depends on what you mean by gossip. Are you saying you’ve never listened to stories about others and you’ve never repeated some or all what you’ve heard to another party?

PallasStrand · 30/08/2021 08:36

Nope. Not my style, nor that of anyone I hang around with.

Bluntness100 · 30/08/2021 08:40

Thinking it’s bullying is quite unusual, that smacks of you think you’re entitled to be their friend and included. You’re not. They can be friends and socialise with anyone they wish or don’t wish.

Clearly what happened was a terrible mistake, but I can see why she’s hurt. What was said maybe “trivial” to you, but It’s not about you and it clearly isn’t trivial to her. Much also depends on how you said it and if you passed judgement, whatever it was was clearly very sensitive.

I think you know now not to pass gossip to a group of people when you actually don’t know who it’s about , that’s is incredibly risky.

You need to move on now, accept the friendships are over, and find new friends, I’m sorry.

SnatchCassidy · 30/08/2021 08:42

But the woman who originally did the gossipping is still part of the group and hasn't suffered the same fate as OP. That makes her a bit of a duplicitous little snake and much worse because she knew exactly who the gossip was about..

Bluntness100 · 30/08/2021 08:47

@SnatchCassidy

But the woman who originally did the gossipping is still part of the group and hasn't suffered the same fate as OP. That makes her a bit of a duplicitous little snake and much worse because she knew exactly who the gossip was about..
I’m not sure, I would guess that she told the op in confidence and was horrified to hear it repeated to the group for a laugh. Also much depends on how each message was delivered. The friend could have told the op with concern, and the op then delivered it as something for the groups entertainment and passed judgement.

Clearly something is adrift. Because the op twice says it’s trivial. But the woman’s reaction indicates it’s very far from trivial.

SnatchCassidy · 30/08/2021 08:49

Well yes Bluntness, but she still has the opportunity to admit being the source and apologise, but is choosing not to knowing full well the trouble it has caused. That to me a bit shitty.

Why2why · 30/08/2021 08:54

@PallasStrand

Nope. Not my style, nor that of anyone I hang around with.
Sorry, find that hard to believe. We are social beings and talk about each other and share stories and experiences. Gossip isn’t just about salacious stuff. As I said it depends on what you consider to be gossip.
spotcheck · 30/08/2021 08:58

Not bullying.
A tough lesson, well learned though

PallasStrand · 30/08/2021 09:06

I’m afraid I can’t help you with that, @Why2why.

lunar1 · 30/08/2021 09:07

You really can't blame her, she knows that someone in her circle is gossiping about her and you are refusing to say who. Why would you think she will remain your friend after that.

School mum friendships can cause so many problems for their children, I've seen happening so many times in my children's school.

Bluntness100 · 30/08/2021 09:18

@SnatchCassidy

Well yes Bluntness, but she still has the opportunity to admit being the source and apologise, but is choosing not to knowing full well the trouble it has caused. That to me a bit shitty.
But the op doesn’t know if the woman has told her now. And is equally horrified by the ops actions and the way she repeated it. If I told someone something in confidence and heard it repeated in a group I’d be furious.
AhNowTed · 30/08/2021 09:28

Tough one OP.

Everyone gossips. They might characterise it as an interest in human nature but it amounts to the same thing. I know literally no one that doesn't discuss other people.

Very unfortunate, but I think you just need to forget about them and move on.

Don't beat yourself up, I'm sure many of us came very close to doing the same thing.

SnatchCassidy · 30/08/2021 09:31

That's true Bluntness, perhaps OP will clarify. If she hasn't admitted being the source then the victim of the gossip is now perhaps in an even worse position by freezing OP out because she now knows at least one of her immediate circle can't be trusted but doesn't know who it it.

Bluntness100 · 30/08/2021 09:39

I doubt the op knows. She’s been excluded.

The friend could easily have said to the hurt woman “fuck that was me I’m so so sorry, I told her in confidence, I didn’t mention names, I can’t believe she repeated it like that for entertainment purposes to the group, wtf is wrong with her”

Or the woman who originally told could be feeling horrendous. Unable to say and feeling sick she trusted the op and the op repeated it as she did.

The fact rhe op told it indicates she thought the group didn’t know. It was an error of judgement. But the ops making another one. She’s now saying she’s being bullied as she isn’t invited to their get together or part of their group chat, and that was she repeated was very trivial. Clearly it wasn’t remotely trivial.

Goldbar · 30/08/2021 09:39

Your best call is to friendly-blank them and focus on your new friends. So smile, don't engage and move on quickly. I'd stop worrying about meeting the woman who is freezing you out and treat her like part of the wallpaper instead... it doesn't sound like she wants confrontation so should be easy to do. Being eager and conciliatory isn't going to get you anywhere.

Unfortunately you were in the wrong to repeat gossip and it's often the messenger who gets shot in these situations. Yes, the sanction may seem unduly harsh for the offence but that's often how social situations work. And of course your poor DD is caught up in it so you need to focus on facilitating her friendships with other children before anything else.

Suzi888 · 30/08/2021 09:39

@Shoxfordian

You’re not being bullied Actions have consequences.
I think posters are not understanding the OP. She doesn’t mean she’s being bullied she means her DD is by being excluded from her friends activities. It’s too late by the sounds of it OP, even if you expose the friend who gave you the gossip it’s unlikely that your word will be accepted as truth. I think you’ll have to suck it up, learn from it and move on. You could maybe speak to the parents and say your DD is being excluded and it’s not fair she’s punished for your mistake, but I’m not sure they’ll listen. They don’t sound very nice in any case. All sounds very childish IMO you all better off without them.
Bluntness100 · 30/08/2021 09:46

It’s not bullying to not invite the daughter to sleep overs, devasting for the daughter but it’s not bullying, she’s not entitled to stay in their homes. They clearly all don’t want the op anywhere near them at all

It’s a shame that whatever was said was so bad it’s come to this and it’s impacted her child, but no one can force someone to host someone else’s kid in their home.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/08/2021 09:47

You’re not entitled to having these people as your friends. They gave you a chance and you blew it. Your daughter isn’t entitled to having their children as her friends.

Why2why · 30/08/2021 09:49

Too much speculation about how the conversation may or may not have played out.

It’s up to the OP to clarify.

Goldbar · 30/08/2021 09:52

But my daughter is not in their year and is now not close friends with the daughters as they all do stuff together and sleepovers

How bad is the situation, OP? If your DD had a party/playdate/sleepover and invited these girls round, would they come? Are there other children in the class that your DD could be friends with?

SnatchCassidy · 30/08/2021 09:58

@Bluntness100

I doubt the op knows. She’s been excluded.

The friend could easily have said to the hurt woman “fuck that was me I’m so so sorry, I told her in confidence, I didn’t mention names, I can’t believe she repeated it like that for entertainment purposes to the group, wtf is wrong with her”

Or the woman who originally told could be feeling horrendous. Unable to say and feeling sick she trusted the op and the op repeated it as she did.

The fact rhe op told it indicates she thought the group didn’t know. It was an error of judgement. But the ops making another one. She’s now saying she’s being bullied as she isn’t invited to their get together or part of their group chat, and that was she repeated was very trivial. Clearly it wasn’t remotely trivial.

Still seems a bit shitty though that the original gossip is a really good friend of the person she was gossipping about and OP comes out of this the bad guy. I wonder if the original gossip has also been frozen out?
Suzi888 · 30/08/2021 09:58

ConfusedIt may not be the formal definition of ‘bullying’ but Jesus it isn’t nice is it? I’m sure it doesn’t extend to just hosting the OP child. Of course she can’t expect that.
It probably extends to being ignored during the school day at best, or being gossiped about. What have these children been told about this situation I wonder! Hmm

Goldbar · 30/08/2021 10:03

I’m sure it doesn’t extend to just hosting the OP child. Of course she can’t expect that.
It probably extends to being ignored during the school day at best, or being gossiped about. What have these children been told about this situation I wonder!

Yes, while the OP can't expect other people to host her child, her child shouldn't have to put up with being excluded at school. But the OP really needs to clarify how bad it is before it's possible to work out the best way forward.