Long term age gap relationships?

[Poppydoppy18]

Me and my partner have a 17 year age gap (he’s the older one). We’ve been together for several years and I honestly couldn’t be happier. He’s thoughtful, funny, we have the same interests and overall just fit really well together.
He often jokes I will smarten up in 10 years and will realise I’ve made a mistake staying together with such an ‘old man’ 😁

I’m just curious about other peoples AGR’s, how it worked out in the long run, did you have kids (and when) etc.
Any answers are very much appreciated 🙂

What are the actual ages? There was a thread shouting this recently, similar age gap.

Mine is also 17 years older I'm 40 and he is 57. Been together 2 years and I'm the happiest I've ever been. Had so many poor relationships and bad luck with dating, this one is great.

I know it is likely I will lose him at some point, but for me I'm just content right now.

@Fireflygal I haven’t posted about this before, I never really post here. 21 and 38

@chemicalworld I’m glad to hear you’re so happy!

My eldest sister has a 14 year age gap. Been married 30 years (mostly happily) but it is starting to be a problem now she is a vibrant mid 50s and he's eyeing up his pipe and slippers.

I think when you’re both still relatively young and fit and healthy it’s less of an issue. But when you’re only in your fifties, he’ll essentially be an old man, and you have to think about whether that’s where you want your life to do. Plus the practicalities of him being at retirement age almost two decades ahead of you when it’s likely you’ll need or want (or both) to keep working and building your career.

My ex was 18 years older than me and I’m glad I got out when I did to be honest. When I was mid twenties and he was early forties it was fine. But he’s really aged in recent years: we’ve remained in touch, and nowadays he really is the epitome of a grumpy old man, as are most of his friends of the same age.

Oh god. 21 is so, so young. You have literally your entire life ahead of you. Yes, I think he’s probably correct that if you’re still together in ten years time you’ll be wondering why you settled for him.

You're 21 and have been with a 38 year old for several years?

That's a significant age gap for your young age. Honestly. I had a 36 year old boyfriend when I was 19. It didn't last. He had no intentions ever of settling down and having children and I had romantic notions of getting married young and having a big family and basically becoming the Waltons which had zero basis in reality.

We split up. His sister read him the riot act. I was devastated at the time but fully appreciated it even a year or two later and realised just how unequal the relationship was. It was inappropriate as I wasn't really an adult and was easily swayed by the romance of an older boyfriend and being looked after or people thinking I was wise and mature.

I met my H when I was 22 and he was 30. Sometimes I wonder if that was too young tbh. He was a mature student and I was final year, we've had the same career experiences and so on. The age gap isn't as pronounced, it's certainly not a generational one like with my ex.

I would really, really examine why a 38 year old is with a 21 year old. And why someone in their 30s started a relationship with someone in their late teens (going by your comment of being together several years).

@Godwits I can imagine. Does she find it much of an issue or is she able to do those more ‘active’ activities with friends her age?
(Sorry for my awkward phrasing, I’m not British)

@ComtesseDeSpair it’s good to hear these different opinions on AGR’s, thanks for sharing. Are you in a relationship with someone your age now? Sorry if that’s rude to ask!

21 is a different life stages and so the age gap is in my opinion is way too much.

Science tells us that we continue to develop our brains until late 20s ( that doesn't mean you are immature now) BUT that your brain will continue to grow and that affects how you see life.

If you reflect on yourself at 14 and how you are now you'll know how life and experiences change you. The same occurs until your late 20s.

He is full grown and has gone through many more life stages that you...that's why there is likely to be a mismatch. Plus if you add in general decline in energy and health as he approaches 50 whereas you will be in your absolute prime.

I can see why he wants a 21 year old but honestly the prospect for you is much less attractive (he also knows it!)

Did you meet him online and was he looking in the 20 somethings age range? If so I find that creepy.

I was in a relationship with a 13 year age gap and it didn't matter at all, until it suddenly did. I wasn't keen to have kids until I was 32 and we'd got married and that was fine, but it didn't happen - had a couple of miscarriages and then a big gap, then fertility treatment. He left when he had an affair with a woman nearly ten years younger than me and decided that there was a big difference between being okay with having a baby at 45 and suddenly really not wanting to go through it all at 48. I realised after it was all over that he had been in four serious long term relationships and that we had all looked roughly alike and been the same age at the start; he just kept getting older and swearing it made no difference.

Hadn't seen previously that you were together for years...he dated a teenager??

May I ask about your childhood? Have you had a challenging life so far?

There is a huge difference between a 32 year old deciding to go out with a 49 year old and a 21 year old going out with a 38 year old.

If you were to list out all your hopes and dreams for yourself are you going to be able to achieve those if you stay in this relationship? Or are you already making compromises?

Agree it's just plain creepy if you've already been together for a few years.

@ComtesseDeSpair I guess we’ll see

@ParishSpinster I understand that it’s a significant age gap. When writing it down like this, it seems a bit crazy. Yet our future plans are completely aligned and no one who knows us (friends and family) finds it strange.
Thanks for sharing about your experience though, it’s good to hear all sides of the story.

Honestly the main thing is that right now, you are happy.

It is worth thinking of what your life may be like in 20 years, and considering whether that's something you're ok with, but tbh if you're happy then no one can really judge.

I just don't think many well adjusted men in their mid to late thirties would start dating a teenager.

The age gap when one partner is so young creates a power imbalance when it comes to finances, life experience, short term priorities, long term priorities...

Can you imagine being 30 something and dating a teenager OP?

Sorry if I don’t reply to everyone, I didn’t think so many people would comment.

@Fireflygal you’re absolutely right so we’ll have to see how this works out!
No we didn’t meet through online dating, we met while travelling.
I didn’t have a challenging childhood, don’t worry.

@ElizabethinherGermanGarden
Im so sorry to hear that 😕

@Palavah both sides are compromising a bit, just as you would in relationship.

I understand people find it odd. It’s not too strange within our friend group. One of my best friends is my age with a boyfriend who’s 38. One of his best friends is 40 with a girlfriend who’s 26.

My partner is 17 years older than me and we have been together 4.5 years (with a toddler).
I'm 34 and he is 51. We alwere at similar life stages as we had both been divorced and had a child from previous marriage. Also we wanted another child.
I would definitely day his age has an impact, although not every 50 year old will be the same as my partner. I pretty much do everything and get the whole 'youre younger than me', 'i don't have as much energy as you'. Ironically when we first met, I said he was a bit old for me and he went on about how young and fit he was🤔 I got misold on many levels.

My DH is 10 years older than me.
The cracks started to show when he got to late 50’s.

Do you mind me asking how old you were when you got together OP? The age gap itself isn't such an issue, but I would worry that you haven't had a chance to experience adult life. I wonder if you will look back and regret this in years to come?

11.5 years here, 32 and 44. Got together when I was 26.

Wouldn't say it's made a difference except that he has children and has been married previously, whereas I haven't.

I don't think I could have done it younger than that though as our lives just would have been too different. And I do worry that he will have to live to a very ripe old age in order to not leave me a young widow.

My MIL had a long happy marriage with a man 13 years her senior. But she’s been a widow now for 14 years, after being a carer for some years before that. I find that sobering.

Mind you, DH is my age to within a few months and looking a bit frayed round the edges already.

"It's not too strange within our friendship group"
Yep, that's really not a surprise.
Have fun, enjoy his company but absolutely don't give up on any of the plans you have for your own life.

My partner and I have been together for 5 years. He was 31 when we met and I was nearly 40. We'd both been married and recently divorced, so similar life stages. He'd had step children and I had a child in there late teens, he wasn't worried about having children of his own.

We've jusr bought a house together and are very happy, we have similar outlooks and want the same things in life.

I have a friend who was about 28 when she married her husband and he was 43. She’s now mid fifties and he is 71. They didn’t have children and he is currently experiencing poor health. She’s also been very focussed on his career for the last 20 years.
I have another friend who is 11 years older than her husband. She’s 67 and had poor health the last couple of years . He’s 55.
I think the age difference doesn’t matter until poor health kicks in.
I have to say though I would definitely be raising my eyebrows if my young adult children were going out with someone so much older.

@KeyErro what do you mean by that? These 2 couples I’m referring to live in different countries and don’t even know each other 🙂