Long term age gap relationships?

[Poppydoppy18]

Me and my partner have a 17 year age gap (he’s the older one). We’ve been together for several years and I honestly couldn’t be happier. He’s thoughtful, funny, we have the same interests and overall just fit really well together.
He often jokes I will smarten up in 10 years and will realise I’ve made a mistake staying together with such an ‘old man’ 😁

I’m just curious about other peoples AGR’s, how it worked out in the long run, did you have kids (and when) etc.
Any answers are very much appreciated 🙂

I was 17 when I met my OH (he was 31). I’m now the age of my partner when we first met (31 and 45 respectively). We’ve been together 14 years and now expecting our second baby in the next few weeks. We’ve had our fair share of ups and downs over the years but who doesn’t?! I couldn’t of asked for a better father to my children and he worships the ground our 4 year old daughter walks on. I wouldn’t and couldn’t be without him.

Strangely I had this very conversation last night with a group of friends who are all in age gap relationships. Our age range is 37 to 75, three of us are the older woman and four have older husbands, all with gaps between 10 and 16 years.

Those who were there all agreed it matters more when you are older, mostly not until the older person is late 60’s but definitely by early 70’s. The gap seems to widen considerably, regardless of health problems.

I think that the likelihood of it working out and the likelihood it's a healthy relationship hugely depends on the age of the younger partner when the relationship began.

Does she find it much of an issue or is she able to do those more ‘active’ activities with friends her age?

It's an issue for her because he's in good health and perfectly capable of doing active stuff but isn't keen. He's been retired for a decade (he's loaded) and feels he's done everything he wants/been everywhere he wishes to go. Obviously not all late sixties men are like this.

DSis is feeling stifled because she has friends but they're doing these things with their spouses.

I was in a couple of relationships with older men in my early twenties. I (mostly) enjoyed them at the time but I didn't pause to ask too many questions. A decade plus down the line...it was eye-opening to see that they continued to chase 21, 22 year old women long after we'd split. They got older but the objects of their affections stayed the same age. That doesn't suggest someone looking for an equal to me. That's some Leo-DiCaprio-Logan's-Run-With-A-Girlfriend nonsense.

That was my experience but there seems to be a fair few happy age gap relationships on this thread and fair play to them. Good luck, OP. You seem to have your head screwed on.

Yes, relationships involve compromise on both sides but he's had several years of adult life in which to do as he pleases, you haven't?

Mind you, no fuss was made when George Clooney married Amal when he was mid 50s and she 17 years younger. And then he became a dad.

@youvegottenminuteslynn not worrying at all. Like I said I’m not from the UK and every country has different laws on this.
As for your other comment: I prefer men with beards. I prefer shorter women with a Latino look. It’s all just preferences 🙂

@Godwits of course it’s fine when it’s a celeb but for us ‘normal people’ it’s creepy and gross

@Godwits

Mind you, no fuss was made when George Clooney married Amal when he was mid 50s and she 17 years younger. And then he became a dad.

Amal Clooney got together with George when she was in her mid-thirties and was well-established in her own high-powered career.

That's very different from a man in his thirties picking up a teenager while travelling.

@Godwits

Mind you, no fuss was made when George Clooney married Amal when he was mid 50s and she 17 years younger. And then he became a dad.

When they met Amal was, and still is, an acclaimed international human rights lawyer, not a 17/18/19 year old with little to no adult life experience, financial independence etc. Pretty different!

I find these age gap threads very strange. It is like people are actually suggesting that it is better to end things now to avoid a possibility of things being incompatible in 30 years time. Anything could happen in those years with any one of any age. If you love someone for goodness sakes, don't cause misery abs a broken heart because there is a risk that decades down the line, things may become problematic. grab hold with all your might and live life.

From seeing friends go through it, I'd say -

Think about the future and what it'll be like living with a 60/70 year old bloke when you're still much younger and more energetic.

Think twice run in the other direction before having kids with an older man. On MN they are all out doing Ironman and playing football and being mistaken for 30-somethings; irl 50-something men parenting toddlers isn't great for lots of reasons (from iffy sperm through general slowing down through running out of energy to parent by the time the kid in 7/8 through much more work falling to the woman as tiredness and health issues creep in).

If you're a ' live in the moment' person, then great, go for it. Makes sense to spend time with the person you like the best after all.

Just be mindful that either this isn't going to be a relationship that will last your whole life,or if it does, you'll be a carer in your 50s/60s.

With respect to the poster getting cross, what everyone is saying is yes, it's fine now when you're 20/30/40 - but it won't be. I don't think I've ever heard of anyone saying 'I'm 60 and I absolutely love being with my 80year old spouse'

15 years between us, been together 15 years.

Exactly as others have said, it was fine when we were younger. He’s now nearer 60 than 50 and the cracks are showing. We’re not at the same point in our lives anymore. And though this isn’t our only problem, for me it is a growing issue and I’m not sure we’ll survive. Putting aside my fear of becoming a carer in my 50s, we just don’t seem to want the same things any more - I’m just getting my life back post babies, he’s embracing pipe and slippers.

Hi op what I meant was that for a certain type of man, it's not a coincidence that his GF is much much younger, it's fundamental to how he sees the world, and his view of women and relationships.
Parishspinster explains this well, as does Artonthefridge
But I don't know you or your DP so I'm generalising based on the people I do know in AGRs

@KeyErro I get what you mean and that that would probably apply to many people.
However my DP has never dated women that were much younger and he was a bit reluctant at first because of my age (for all the reasons mentioned here by others, he didn’t want to spoil my 20s or be with someone who wouldn’t want a serious relationship).
Anyway, in the end we both mutually decided to say fuck it and just give it a go.

Do you have a shared timeline for marriage, kids etc (not sure if you want them or not, obviously)?

How quickly did you move in together?

Well, good luck OP.

@youvegottenminuteslynn I’ll gladly answer that privately, feel free to PM me, but the answer to that is very specific and would need the whole background story to be understood. It’s nothing weird, I just don’t want to publicly write about it here because anyone I know reading this (if they happen to be on Mumsnet) would instantly know who I am.
Let’s say we’ve lived in an apartment together since last autumn but lived together before that. (No we weren’t homeless)

Also, I appreciate everyone’s concerns but I asked for other peoples personal experiences, not an analysis of my own relationship. Sorry if that seems rude but I’ve heard all of it before, whereas I haven’t heard about a lot of long-term AGR stories before and that’s more useful to me at this time.
Thanks everyone who shared their stories!

I was just curious but not going to PM anyone for private information - you probably shouldn't offer to answer questions like that in case people take you up on it and then turn out to be dodgy! It's ok to just say you don't want to answer a stranger, no biggie.

18 year age gap, got together when I was 25, him 43. One important thing is we were friends for years first, I had been in an abusive relationship and left and he lost his parents, we knew each other very well before getting together. Together now 14 years, married 11.5. We run a business together have 2 living dc and 2 forever in our hearts. There's been a lot of ups and downs in life but not in our actual relationship although sometimes we drive each other nuts like all couples. My health isn't great so anyone who made any craics about him getting a fit younger model we're wrong but we just have to cope there's nothing we can do about it.

@Reachersloveinterest

After 20+ years together and 16 years of happy marriage to a man 16 years older than me, who I met at age 17, I wish all the do-Golders on MN who say it's inappropriate and wrong would just fuck off. You're not always right! It's not always grooming. The younger partner doesn't always regret it.

Not always grooming perhaps but I have a 17 yr old DD and if a 33 Yr old man showed a sexual interest in her, this do-Golder would send him packing for a few years.

I met my DH at work when I was 19. He's 15 years older than me. We were best friends for 2 years before we started dating. We just clicked.
I went away, did my studies which DH supported me through. Got a good job and climbed the career ladder. Got married at 28 and now have 2 dc. We discussed options and scenarios and made life choices together. Nobody has ever made me feel so loved or valued. Or made me laugh as much! Today is our 13th anniversary.

Dh is 14 years older than me. I’m 45yo, he’s nearly 59.

We had dc when I was in my early/mid 20s.

Honestly I don’t think it’s a perfect situation and while do still love him I worry about the situation. I’m never going to have someone to enjoy retirement with. Odds are I’m going to be lonely and financially worse off than if we had two pensions coming in. Even now he’s happy pottering about at home, doesn’t want to go out, doesn’t want meals out/days out, etc. So we do nothing together and I mean nothing. I’ve made my own life with good friends and a successful career but otherwise it wouldn’t be good.

I would have thought it weird honestly but my PIL have this age gap and they have now been married 35 years she is mid fifties him early 70s 4 kids and numerous grandchildren. If it works it works.