Long term age gap relationships?

[Poppydoppy18]

Me and my partner have a 17 year age gap (he’s the older one). We’ve been together for several years and I honestly couldn’t be happier. He’s thoughtful, funny, we have the same interests and overall just fit really well together.
He often jokes I will smarten up in 10 years and will realise I’ve made a mistake staying together with such an ‘old man’ 😁

I’m just curious about other peoples AGR’s, how it worked out in the long run, did you have kids (and when) etc.
Any answers are very much appreciated 🙂

How long have you been together?

I just don't think many well adjusted men in their mid to late thirties would start dating a teenager.

The age gap when one partner is so young creates a power imbalance when it comes to finances, life experience, short term priorities, long term priorities...

Can you imagine being 30 something and dating a teenager OP?

Another one wondering exactly how old you were when you got together if you’ve been together “years” and you’re only 21

My biggest age gap was 11 years ( I was older) with hindsight it was a terrible idea and ended up with the man who was in his early 20s being terribly hurt

You say it's not uncommon in your friend group as though that makes it perfectly natural. It's really not. Having a group of men who have much younger partners is actually concerning. Either they just like younger women with no life experience or they like to be in charge and choose partners who are who are impressed with the money and lifestyle of someone who is much older.

Have fun but for the love of all that is reality, figure out if you are hurrying down the path of maturity before you wish to or if your boyfriend is a perpetual Peter pan with no wish to settle down. You might want the same thing now but what if you want to go travelling at 23 and he's 40 odd and actually wants a family. Does the compromise mean you miss out on experiences? Or maybe you don't want a family for 10 years, he will be 48. That's old to be a father.

My H has a friend who is 48 with a girlfriend of 30. They got engaged on her 30th birthday. None of her friends and family have a problem with the age gap but they crucially don't know exactly how old he is. He also didnt tell her his age for many, many months at the beginning. None of his friends have met the girlfriend more than once or twice.

My H and the other friends are v concerned. It's a big gap and whilst the friend says he is happy to settle down and have a family, he's been through this cycle before with younger girlfriends and never married. Or had children. His girlfriend is keen to settle down. H and the rest of the friends are concerned for her and think he is a fool for being with someone so much younger and at such a different stage of life. He's never grown up. I mean, he really is a lovely guy, he's attractive and personable and good fun. But he is speeding up towards 50 and in denial about his age and the age gap.

My friend has a 16 year age gap. He is the older one.

She stayed at home and raised the kids whilst he made money through his business.

When the kids went to school she set up her own 'hobby' as he called, it for 'pin money'.

Only it wasn't a 'hobby' it was an on line store that she started from scratch and has been in home magazines.

He has now semi retired and is complaining that she isn't at home enough. Her business has grown and she now has a warehouse. Its thriving and I can't believe she set it up on her lap top, in her car waiting for the kids to come out of school.

He wants to take life easy, she has just found her feet and its causing a lot of issues.

I just don't think many well adjusted men in their mid to late thirties would start dating a teenager

This.

Life experience will make you realise this statement is true. Would you date a 16 year old now? I imagine you wouldn't on the basis that they are not an adult but 18 is a legal age and doesn't reflect maturity.

21 is way too young to have children or even think about children. You have 10 years whereas he doesn't.

You choose who you are with and it affects all of your life - he won't be the only man you will fall in love with.

I was fourteen and a half when I started going out with my first boyfriend. He was 20. I was quite emotionally mature for my age. I found boys of my own age rather silly and unappealing. This boyfriend was lovely, but back in those days (early 70s) it wasn't unusual to have an older boyfriend, particularly if you were from a working-class background where boys usuall got married in their early twenties and girls in their late teens.

I ended the relationship when it became clear that we were following different paths in life. It was very upsetting for both of us.

Of course, these days, he would be accused of grooming, and end up on the sex offender's register.

How times have changed.

I also agree with other posters in an askance view of a man in his mid thirties seriously wanting to date a teenager. DP and I are away on holiday with a big group of couples our age (mid thirties - mid forties) in a mansion house this week. One of the couples has roped in their 20- and 22-year-old sons who are trainee chefs to cook for us all. I’ve had a few chats with them both and they’re lovely, really quite bright and mature young men; but they do just seem so young, and at 35 myself the idea of ever being in a relationship with either of them is impossible. I never used to think age mattered very much, but I just couldn’t see them as potential partners.

@MazyontheDipper

I was fourteen and a half when I started going out with my first boyfriend. He was 20. I was quite emotionally mature for my age. I found boys of my own age rather silly and unappealing. This boyfriend was lovely, but back in those days (early 70s) it wasn't unusual to have an older boyfriend, particularly if you were from a working-class background where boys usuall got married in their early twenties and girls in their late teens.

I ended the relationship when it became clear that we were following different paths in life. It was very upsetting for both of us.

Of course, these days, he would be accused of grooming, and end up on the sex offender's register.

How times have changed.

If he had sex with you at 14 or 15 then he committed a crime. You being ok with it at the time doesn't make it not a crime.

When you were 20 would you have had sex with a 14 or 15 year old if they had a more mature personality / outlook than their peers? Doubt it.

@KeyErro what do you mean by that? These 2 couples I’m referring to live in different countries and don’t even know each other 🙂

To be fair, when people talk about a friendship group, it's pretty reasonable to assume they mean people who live near them, that they see regularly. I inferred the same thing.

I'm your boyfriends age, and couldn't imagine dating a 22 year old. It would be unfair on them, as I have far more self assurance and life experience, have been round the block a few times and know where the pitfall are. Plus I have already done a lot of the 'firsts' that they will want to experience.

It really is more about life stage rather than age. I know it sounds patronising but I believe you will look back on this in years to come and wonder WTF was I thinking? Like PP said, can you imagine dating a 14/15 year old?

Have fun with this one, but don't give up your own dreams and aspirations.

Interesting the op won't say the age she was when they started dating.

@SunshineCake

Interesting the op won't say the age she was when they started dating.

I'm also really curious as to whether she believes when she's in her mid to late thirties, she would date a teenager.

After 20+ years together and 16 years of happy marriage to a man 16 years older than me, who I met at age 17, I wish all the do-Golders on MN who say it's inappropriate and wrong would just fuck off.
You're not always right! It's not always grooming. The younger partner doesn't always regret it.

You're not always right! It's not always grooming. The younger partner doesn't always regret it.

Genuinely of interest: if you got divorced now, would you consider dating a 16- or 17-year old?

@Reachersloveinterest

After 20+ years together and 16 years of happy marriage to a man 16 years older than me, who I met at age 17, I wish all the do-Golders on MN who say it's inappropriate and wrong would just fuck off. You're not always right! It's not always grooming. The younger partner doesn't always regret it.

Telling people to fuck off is ridiculous and doesn't exactly scream maturity at any age.

I'm sure there are couples who got together when one was 17 and one was 17 years older who are happy decades on. The power imbalance was still there at the start, even if they overcame it, and wouldn't you agree that they are vastly outnumbered by people in the same situation originally where it didn't work out?

Your experience is rare which is why it's hard for people to wrap their head around.

If you have children / there are children in your wider family and at 17 they started dating someone double their age, wouldn't you instinctively feel protective of them and be concerned about the life experience and power imbalance? Surely you would as you know it's not usually a healthy dynamic even if you and your partner turned out to be very happy?

Dsis is 15 years younger than he DH.
No problems at all….. Until he hit 70 and decided he no longer wanted to get up a 6 am every morning to look after horses, pigs, ducks etc. Plus some health problems so dsis life is very different to where it was.
3 years ago

@youvegottenminuteslynn it is a response to 22 years of being told I am stupid and my relationship is doomed. I am absolutely sick to the back teeth of it. You are so patronising, the lot of you.

Didn’t expect so many comments!
I’ll answer briefly:

I was 19.
For the comment about travelling: I’ve got 2 dogs so at 23 I also wouldn’t be able to just get on a plane and go to Thailand for 6 months
I should’ve mentioned there’s several friend groups in different countries. Sorry I wasn’t very clear about that.
I obviously can’t know now if I would date a teenager when I’m 30, because I’m not 30. I can’t express an opinion which I will have 10 years from now.

Thanks everyone for sharing your opinions and experiences. Keep them coming! I’m reading them all

[quote Reachersloveinterest]@youvegottenminuteslynn it is a response to 22 years of being told I am stupid and my relationship is doomed. I am absolutely sick to the back teeth of it. You are so patronising, the lot of you.
[/quote]
It's not patronising to say that in the vast, vast majority of cases a 17 year old dating someone 17 years their senior mean a huge power imbalance for at least the first few years and that it's unlikely to work out very often.

You don't sound like an incredibly happy person, you sound angry and aggressive.

You're in your 30s now - would you happily date a 17/18/19 year old if you were single? It would probably feel uncomfortable to consider doing do and that's because of the huge difference in life experience and the fact most (again, not all) 17/18/19 year olds would have a huge power imbalance with a 30 something.

Would you be concerned if a 17 year old relative started dating someone double their age? You'd have some questions and concerns right? Again, because usually a well adjusted man in his 30s wouldnt date a teenager girl for the reasons listed above.

There are always exceptions but yours is a rare outcome.

@Poppydoppy18

Didn’t expect so many comments! I’ll answer briefly:

I was 19.
For the comment about travelling: I’ve got 2 dogs so at 23 I also wouldn’t be able to just get on a plane and go to Thailand for 6 months
I should’ve mentioned there’s several friend groups in different countries. Sorry I wasn’t very clear about that.
I obviously can’t know now if I would date a teenager when I’m 30, because I’m not 30. I can’t express an opinion which I will have 10 years from now.

Thanks everyone for sharing your opinions and experiences. Keep them coming! I’m reading them all

Would you date a 16/17 year old now if you were single?

@Reachersloveinterest

After 20+ years together and 16 years of happy marriage to a man 16 years older than me, who I met at age 17, I wish all the do-Golders on MN who say it's inappropriate and wrong would just fuck off. You're not always right! It's not always grooming. The younger partner doesn't always regret it.

Hear! Hear! Life was very different back in the early 1970s. Yes, it was a crime to have sex with a 'minor', but I can't deny that it did go on, and people tended to turn a blind eye to it, rightly or wrongly.

I think at that time, young people grew up more quickly. We were encouraged to be independent, 'stand on our own two feet', from a young age. We were not mollycoddled by our parents. My best friend at school had an older boyfriend (she was 15, he was 20). They married when she was 18, five children later, still happy and devoted to one another. Married 45 years!

14 years here and happily married with a young family. I am nervous of retirement because I'll be 65 and wanting to go on holidays and he will be 80 but that's a long way off and didn't want to give up on my present for a future that is uncertain. I could die at 50 and he could still be knocking about at 100! If you're happy then that's all that matters

You don't sound like an incredibly happy person, you sound angry and aggressive.

Which just goes to show that you can't judge people's lives based on a comment on a forum.

I agree that in many cases, a relationship like mine would not work out. But the same can be said for any relationship.
If my daughter brought home an older boyfriend I'd probably react in a similar way to my own mum - cautious, but welcoming. I've met a lot of perfectly awful men similar to my age, there's no guarantees.

@youvegottenminuteslynn no because

1. I think that’s illegal 🙂
2. I don’t like dating someone younger than me. Of course he doesn’t necessarily need to be 17 years older, it’s just my personal preference not to date anyone who’s younger.

If I would be a man, I might feel differently about it and maybe I would date an 18 year old. Not 17 because I’m pretty sure that’s illegal in the UK.

@Sleepyquest

14 years here and happily married with a young family. I am nervous of retirement because I'll be 65 and wanting to go on holidays and he will be 80 but that's a long way off and didn't want to give up on my present for a future that is uncertain. I could die at 50 and he could still be knocking about at 100! If you're happy then that's all that matters

Exactly. When my mum got used to my DH (admittedly it took a while) she said that life comes with no certainties and while we may not get an extended retirement together, we will hopefully get 40+ happy years before then and that's a lot to give up to look for a younger man who has just as high a chance of dying young, being unfaithful, etc as anyone else.

[quote Poppydoppy18]@youvegottenminuteslynn no because

1. I think that’s illegal 🙂
2. I don’t like dating someone younger than me. Of course he doesn’t necessarily need to be 17 years older, it’s just my personal preference not to date anyone who’s younger.

If I would be a man, I might feel differently about it and maybe I would date an 18 year old. Not 17 because I’m pretty sure that’s illegal in the UK.[/quote] It's a bit worrying you don't know the age of consent! It's 16 in the UK.

I'm interested you say if you were a man you might date an 18 year old, but as a woman you wouldn't do so. Maybe some stuff to think about there when it comes to your views about gender and power dynamics. Maybe not, just something I found interesting in your answer.