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Original poster

Thoughts on polygamy

87 replies

Justanotherquestioner · 28/08/2021 20:28

I feel bad that I've NC for this one...but I just don't want it linked to my other stuff.

I was hoping for a fair and reasoned discussion on polygamy.

DH and I are in an open relationship - or rather, I'm open, he isn't. I think he's pretty monogamous but is happy for me to seek sexual and emotional relationships with others.

Anyone else out there? I'm just a normal wife with a normal family. DH has asked for a little discretion when it comes to friends so I respect that. It's just a bit of a lonely place not being able to discuss my relationship/s with friends.

Interested in some of the ethics people view on it. As well as others experiences or advice. And just a general chat.

Me first, I guess -
I'm happy with my husband. He's my total rock. He's hard working but not a workaholic. He's focused and genuine. We have had an open relationship for about a year now which has been tricky in covid times and has involved a lot of walks for dates. I feel more, I don't know, settled

OP posts:
wishfuldreamer · 28/08/2021 22:18

i think that's lovely @Grumpasaurus :-) for me, personally, though, i prefer not to get involved with part of a couple like that. or at least, i'm really careful...i don't want to always feel like the secondary person, and i worry that if there was ever a bump in the road, it would be me who would get cast aside to preserve the original marriage. I get why people want to have their relationships like that, but I personally am always a bit nervous about getting involved in them.

Have you had a problems, as a couple, if there are feelings developing? how do you end the relationship with the other person?

cravingthelook · 28/08/2021 22:22

I am non monogamous/polyamorous but don't currently have a primary partner

I just felt relief when I realised I don't have to fit in societies box of only loving one person

Anordinarymum · 28/08/2021 22:22

I think with polygamy there is always one partner who is not as keen as the other, and will ultimately be hurt.

But that's just me.

wishfuldreamer · 28/08/2021 22:25

@Anordinarymum - i think it does depend somewhat if it's a previously mono couple opening up, or two existingly poly people dating. i think opening a relationship is very hard, and i only know a few people who've done it successfully. a lot of people become poly through having been involved in swinger scenes first, but dealing with the emotional element can be a surprise to them. watching your partner fall in love with someone else can catch people by surprise who thought they were used to handling jealousy via swinging and sex clubs etc.

Original poster
Justanotherquestioner · 28/08/2021 22:29

@wishfuldreamer interesting. I do worry that we have only just become open and that it's only on my side. That said, I did meet husband on Fetlife so perhaps he's more open minded than some. I think I would struggle to move back to monogamy if husband asked me to

OP posts:
Original poster
Justanotherquestioner · 28/08/2021 22:30

In fact, I might even feel more.strongly about that and say I'm unable to go back. It's almost like a sexual identity to me.

OP posts:
Grumpasaurus · 28/08/2021 22:34

@Justanotherquestioner, some friends we are open with, in fact, all of our close friends. Acquaintances, not so much- though I guess I don't really mind too much. Family- no. Far too judgemental!

@wishfuldreamer i understand what you mean, though as I say, for me it's mostly just sex, so we've never yet had an issue of bumps in the road or feelings. The current third party is also married and in a very similar situation to us, so there aren't really any third wheels. It's hard to explain. In our situation though there is definitely my relationship with DH at the centre.

I think the benefit is that non traditional relationships tend to demand being forged on your own terms, so you communicate more honestly, openly, and regularly about sex and intimacy than you might otherwise do? So far, so good. I think the real test will be if I or DH meet someone we do develop feelings for.

chaosrabbitland · 28/08/2021 22:34

@Viviennemary

I think proper polygamy can work for some. Like a proper marriage/relationship with more than one wife. But what you describe is just promiscuity IMHO.
yes thats how i saw it , polygamy is i always understood where the man lives with however many wives it is ,but there is commitment to them all , what this is as you say is just a marriage where one spouse is shagging about and the other spouse has to suck it up
Grumpasaurus · 28/08/2021 22:38

Also in our case, it isn't an issue of one partner (me) snagging around and another partner (DH) sucking it up. It's a decision we came to after years of discussion, a good marriage counsellor, personal therapy, and trial and error. We also keep an ongoing dialogue about how it's doing and how it's affecting us as a couple and individually- which, thus far, is positive.

wishfuldreamer · 28/08/2021 22:45

@chaosrabbitland - polygamy is just the practise of multiple marriage. it can be polygyny (a man with multiple wives) or polyandry (woman with multiple husbands). polyamory is a more modern idea, where there are still loving, committed relationships, but less rooted in the idea of one person with multiple spouses, in effect. Just multiple loves.

@Grumpasaurus - i think that's fair. i guess i would get involved in something like that if i was looking for something casual and not invested, and probably not long term. but it would be in addition to what i already have which was, until recently, two long term committed relationships, and is now one, with two very new things that both have some potential. we'll see where they go. i think the 'see where they go' bit is the exciting bit for me - a sexual connection only is fun, but limiting for me.

Original poster
Justanotherquestioner · 28/08/2021 22:45

I agree with @Grumpasaurus. We regularly discuss our relationship and how things are impacting each other. We are still very much in early days but I feel that we are currently very strong. I know I don't need to have any secrets from DH. He is only ever concerned, same as me, that it doesn't impact the kids

OP posts:
chaosrabbitland · 28/08/2021 22:46

@Grumpasaurus

Also in our case, it isn't an issue of one partner (me) snagging around and another partner (DH) sucking it up. It's a decision we came to after years of discussion, a good marriage counsellor, personal therapy, and trial and error. We also keep an ongoing dialogue about how it's doing and how it's affecting us as a couple and individually- which, thus far, is positive.
its good if the other partner is totally fine all happy about it , i honestly cant help thinking all that seems a lot of effort to go to for a marriage to be happy though , in ops case i wonder how chuffed her husband really is about it , im wondering if he had an actual choice hed rather she wasnt sleeping with other men , its only just my wondering that this really really only works if both people are both getting it away with other people , not just one doing it ,
FindingMeno · 28/08/2021 22:49

It's none of my business and if all consent I think its absolutely fine.

Sakurami · 28/08/2021 23:02

Thoughts on polyamory is that it isn't for me, but if everyone involved is happy, like with anything, then that's brilliant!

Grumpasaurus · 28/08/2021 23:09

It's hard because without DS, I don't think we would have fought as hard to make it work, and likely would have ended up divorced... and looking back, what a pity that would have been, as we are definitely amazing when we are strong. It's hard. Might it have been easier with someone else? Maybe! But it does now feel worth it to me.

Original poster
Justanotherquestioner · 29/08/2021 07:47

@Grumpasaurus I think we may have divorced also. I'm beginning to think it's because I wasn't being true to myself

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 29/08/2021 08:05

It's not for me at all and would be my worst nightmare. I appreciate there's nothing wrong if everyone is happy but it always worries me when a couple goes from not doing this, to one partner doing it and the other supposedly being happy. I think the potential is very high for someone in your husband's position to just be going along with it so as not to lose the marriage.

DillonPanthersTexas · 29/08/2021 08:12

I always get the impression one enthusiastic party has dragged the less enthusiastic partner along to satisfy their whims despite all the claims that everyone is happy with the arrangement.

THisbackwithavengeance · 29/08/2021 08:18

I know someone who is polyamorous and tbh the lifestyle interests me but I am currently monogamous because being otherwise would be difficult in terms of lifestyle/time. When I was technically 'single' in my 20s and early 30s I used to have multiple partners but now I am 50, I don't think anyone else but DH would be interested!

But I do wonder OP, how you would feel if your DH had a relationship(s) with someone else because at the moment you are pulling all the strings and he is sitting at home waiting for you?

And I also wonder how it would work if either of you had a relationship with a third party who then wanted to get married or become the main partner rather than the side partner?

I think polyamory is the perfect "having your cake and eating it" set up but surely the potential for it to go wrong/sour is high?

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 29/08/2021 08:19

I always get the impression one enthusiastic party has dragged the less enthusiastic partner along to satisfy their whims despite all the claims that everyone is happy with the arrangement

I do too.

The show mentioned above is called Trigonometry and is on iplayer. It's brilliant.

Original poster
Justanotherquestioner · 29/08/2021 08:30

I just wrote a really long and considered post and lost it. So annoying!

I don't feel dh is a less enthusiastic party. Obviously if he no longer consented then we would have serious discussions and come to some sort of conclusion. Also, if he told me he wanted to be open, then again we would discuss and change the boundaries.

It's my understanding that dh is in fact happy with our set up. I do regularly check in with him. He says it "takes the pressure off" him. I think essentially my belief is that one can't expect a person to single handedly meet all of their needs. That it's an unfair pressure and not possible.

I'm very open to changing my view on this as we grow.

I guess in my mind, it's all about consent. True consent

OP posts:
Namechangedyorkshire · 29/08/2021 08:39

@Justanotherquestioner
I think given that is is based on sex, the difficulty is comparing if the OM is better or preferred in some way in bed. It is difficult to not bring that experience back into the marital bed once having tried something different. Perhaps it works better if marital sex has diminished or other partner isn't bothered?

DillonPanthersTexas · 29/08/2021 08:59

I think essentially my belief is that one can't expect a person to single handedly meet all of their needs. That it's an unfair pressure and not possible.

This just sounds like a flimsy excuse dressed up as altruism.

"Let me take some of the emotional and physical pressure off you DH by dating and shagging Mike down the road in number 46"

Viviennemary · 29/08/2021 09:14

If one person can't meet your needs then there is no point in getting married. So your marriage isnt worth the paper its written on. Its a lie.

Dullardmullard · 29/08/2021 09:21

You’re being to simple here

There will be feelings on all sides and the most common jealousy. It’ll be there in the background regardless of what Is said.

Looks like your husband likes this because he isn’t as high driven as you as in his sex drive as he says it takes the pressure off. Now that isn’t a balance that’s one sided. To my mind that’s a cuckold in a way.

Would you give up the lifestyle if he asked or is he really going along with it because he wants to have you in his life and fears being alone and having to co parent but not being on your team.

You sound sorely disappointed that you gave up on the other partner and married one did you in fact settle couldn’t you of continued that instead or did you think society wouldn’t approve.

Just my take on it really.