Thoughts on polygamy

[Justanotherquestioner]

I feel bad that I've NC for this one...but I just don't want it linked to my other stuff.

I was hoping for a fair and reasoned discussion on polygamy.

DH and I are in an open relationship - or rather, I'm open, he isn't. I think he's pretty monogamous but is happy for me to seek sexual and emotional relationships with others.

Anyone else out there? I'm just a normal wife with a normal family. DH has asked for a little discretion when it comes to friends so I respect that. It's just a bit of a lonely place not being able to discuss my relationship/s with friends.

Interested in some of the ethics people view on it. As well as others experiences or advice. And just a general chat.

Me first, I guess -
I'm happy with my husband. He's my total rock. He's hard working but not a workaholic. He's focused and genuine. We have had an open relationship for about a year now which has been tricky in covid times and has involved a lot of walks for dates. I feel more, I don't know, settled

There's another thread on here at the moment from a woman whose DH has told her there's something missing from their marriage, he doesn't know what. Of course she's gutted.

Lots of people have answered, mostly to the effect of 'why would you want to stay with someone who was 'settling' for you / who wasn't completely happy with you / who felt something was missing (which presumably he might find with someone else further down the line).

It's interesting to look at these two posts together, as it seems you're saying your DH is not enough for you. You aren't happy just being with him. Something is missing from your marriage that you need to seek elsewhere.

I appreciate I don't have any experience of this and so am perhaps a bit naive or ignorant when it comes to polyamory, but from what I have heard / read, there is often one partner more keen than the other. Or one partner decides they've had enough of it before the other. Or one falls for someone else and leaves. Then there's the sexual health / risk of pregnancy with the 'wrong' person.

So many risks of something going wrong. Would it not be better to find a happy relationship where all your relationship needs are met by one person?

I understand that if everyone genuinely consents, then why should a third party's views on this be relevant, it's just that I don't know how realistic it is that everyone is equally happy with the arrangement, at the outset and throughout.

I suppose I'm taking a moralistic view based on monogamy being essential within marriage, but also a practical one of trying to reduce the risk of problems further down the line. If you get your sexual needs met by your DH / partner, then you don't need to take any of those risks - there's nothing missing from your marriage that means you need to.

I think the ethics are more complex than presented here. True agreement is very hard to gauge if one person is more dependent on the other or has less power than the other. I also think people are rarely truly honest with themselves when that arises, especially if the outcome is what they want. They have little impetus to really look at
the situation closely whilst their needs are satisfied.

The ethics of monogamous relationships are obviously difficult also. It’s very hard for anyone to really see things objectively and to be truly, utterly honest with themselves and a partner.

Oh goodness. It's so interesting and so complex.

I guess I can only go with what DH says.

I can't possibly imagine being single handedly responsible for keeping my DH happy. That's his responsibility and I want to join him on his life journey. We are responsible for our own happiness. He has friends, family, our children, me and his pursuits and hobbies.

I'm not saying we have it right. But look at how many marriages end in divorce, or even infidelity. I would find it very hard to betray my husband. I adore him and we are a team.

Is something missing from my marriage? I don't think so. I would say before we opened our relationship, there was more pressure. Like we were responsible to meet each others needs. Does DH have to be my everything? No. He simply needs to be my husband

I do worry about the ethics. I hope that by being honest with all involved that I am more on the ethical side of things. I would be devastated if I hurt anyone. Any new partners I make it clear that we can commit but not share lives.

Well, you're a woman so that changes things slightly but still, my take is that it's having your cake and eating it and somebody gets hurt but it's least likely to be the polyamorist

I've been single for 15 years give or take the odd short relationship. nobody really needs a relationship let alone two or three so I don't get it.

My friend (a woman) met a polyamorist man online and I clicked on this thread wondering if it was her
He has a LT gf who knows and isnt a polyamorist herself but lives with his polyamory and my friend, she would prefer a committed relationship but she's met so many weirdos online that her thinking has got clouded, like she thinks she has to pick one of these flawed people. I hope she doesn't get hurt by him.

@Wannabegreenfingers

I cant find one partner, let alone 2 or 3 🙃

I know, joking aside, do they have a lower bar? More needs? Less ability to just sit with their own thoughts? I don't get it. I've been single for over a decade! It's been ok. No big hardship really. Few short relationships, none of them perfect! I cannot lower my bar.

OP isn't happy with her husband IMO. This polyamory chapter is just kicking the inevitable breakup down the road a few years because they have small children.

@Justanotherquestioner

Oh goodness. It's so interesting and so complex.

I guess I can only go with what DH says.

I can't possibly imagine being single handedly responsible for keeping my DH happy. That's his responsibility and I want to join him on his life journey. We are responsible for our own happiness. He has friends, family, our children, me and his pursuits and hobbies.

I'm not saying we have it right. But look at how many marriages end in divorce, or even infidelity. I would find it very hard to betray my husband. I adore him and we are a team.

Is something missing from my marriage? I don't think so. I would say before we opened our relationship, there was more pressure. Like we were responsible to meet each others needs. Does DH have to be my everything? No. He simply needs to be my husband

I find your views really interesting to read as this is something I've long since struggled to get my head around and been curious about.

What you say about one person being single handedly responsible for your happiness and meeting your needs- it's interesting you would say that as it kind of implies your happiness is fully dependent on romantic partners, of which you need a variety to achieve satisfaction. For most who practise monogamy, it's true that one person cannot be fully responsible for your happiness, but the rest is usually found outside of romantic connections, ie family, friends, work, hobbies, getting to know yourself etc. Like your husband does, by the sound of things.

I've always understood the appeal of multiple partners in that I miss that feeling of chemistry that comes with a new connection, rather than the comforting and familiar. It can be a bit tough thinking about never having that fresh spark again. But I just can't reconcile that with the fact I know it would hurt my partner, and that I would absolutely hate it if he were to do it in return. So I simply accept that new romance is not a driving factor in my life anymore, and focus on other things. I cannot in a million years imagine being happy for my partner to do this if I was not, like your DH is. I can imagine going along with it out of desperation to keep someone, though.

Can I ask, is it the excitement you feel you get from other partners? What is it you need from them?

Wanderlust on BBC/Netflix would be worth a watch on this subject, btw, I remember it being a very similar story, even down to the wife being more keen than the husband!

I THINK I'm happy with my husband. Certainly we are very contented. Or at least I am and he says he is. He seems contented.

I also have my work, my children, close friends, acquaintances, family. It's a full and busy life. Maybe it's an introvert vs extrovert thing? I get energy from others and enjoy being wjth others. Dh is introverted and needs alone time to recharge.

I can imagine going along with it out of desperation to keep someone, though.
This is very interesting. I'm going to ask dh about this tonight. I don't think he is desperate to keep me. I'm also not desperate to keep him. We simply wish to base our lives together. I think we would just walk away if we felt the relationship wasn't working. We are both quite pragmatic people. I'm also of the belief that relationships can be transient. Dh doesn't have to be my dh forever if he doesn't want to. I feel lucky he chooses to be

@PearlyBird in terms of ‘lowering my bar’ I both do and don’t think that’s true. So, if I was looking for one partner with whom I wanted to move in with, be with forever, share finances, have children…then there are some people who I have dated who wouldn’t fit that. So by being poly there are more people, in a sense, who I can maybe consider dating.

That said, I think I also have a higher bar these days in terms of what I will ‘put up with’ in terms of behaviour. I have a much better sense of my own needs and boundaries. It’s less scary asserting them when I don’t feel like I’m losing ‘the one’. Does that make sense?

I get that. I could still date i guess if i didnt care that they werent financially secure, drank a bit more than id ideally like...

But i just dont find it thrilling to enter in to doomed relationships any more.

I did this repeatedly when i was younger, wanting what op has with her H.

Im happy to be single now. Ive stopped looking for the some thing.

I agree. You can somewhat lower your bar. Some things become less important. However I am very picky about how I'm treated. I dont accept game playing, dishonesty, disrespect...there is no angst. If there is angst, I move on.

I also don't view them as doomed relationships. If we bring something positive to eachothers lives then that is a worthwhile use of my time

Interesting discussion. I agree with the OP that no person should rely on one only for their happiness. I cringe a bit inside when I hear some people say he/she is my whole life.

Even those that choose to be monogamous have other connections, friends, family, colleagues.

I am a person that likes very intense connections and relationships, I get my energy from positive interactions. I don't need to spend a lot of time alone.
That said I'm happy living alone. My free time I choose to spend with others in intimate intense 1:1 situations. I've enough time, affection, care and love for more than one person. Some of the relationships I have I see them twice a month and that is more than enough for them.

We are different, it isn't about having your cake, it's about finding what works for you AND the people in your life.

I also agree Nom monogamous people have more open in-depth relationship conversations than any of the monogamous folk I know.

I guess the real test is how you’d feel if your DH wanted to see others. Would you whole heartedly embrace it or accept in good grace knowing you couldn’t really say no?

I do find this sentence quite interesting:

…’It's just a bit of a lonely place not being able to discuss my relationship/s with friends…’

Why do you feel the need to discuss with friends?
In My experience the only time people discuss their relationships with friends is when they are no working.

It’s not something I wold consider as I believe that marriage is a relationship between 2 people and that as soon as a third person is brought into the mix its no longer a marriage.

A few thoughts:
How did you find the time to meet up with other men during lockdown?
How do you find the time to fit a second relationship in your life in general?
Do you expect your husband to take care of your children whilst you're out with other men?
Will you ever tell the children, and if so, how?
Is it possible that your husband is only tolerating this situation because he either a) is too lazy to end the relationship or b) too scared to disapprove because he doesn’t want to lose you?

I actually know quite a few people who are poly and are quite open about it. Different couples have different rules and I guess the key thing is that you make your rules that work for both of you and you stick to them. And if they stop working for you, you renegotiate. I’ve even been to a wedding between primary partners where their other partners were there too!

It’s absolutely not for me - I hate dating and maintaining one relationship at a time is more than enough for me! And I think I would be too jealous of DH being with other people. But DH and I have discussed in the past, and agreed that monogamy suits us so I guess we’ve also picked our rules and are happy to stick to them.

But just because it’s not for me, and isn’t conventional doesn’t mean it doesn’t work for others.

I would be interested in opening up our relationship but DH seems less keen

An open marriage where both parties are into the lifestyle is one thing. What you describe seems somewhat exploitative to me (but this might be my prejudice showing).

The show was called Trigonometry. Wasn't sure how much I'd like it when I started episode one. However as it went on I was addicted to see how it turned out.

Husband does look after the children while I'm out, yes. But i have the children alone 2 weekends a month while he is away. I only go out after bed time and a weekend away maybe every 4-8 weeks.
In lockdown I didn't meet up with anyone apart from a distanced walk when we were allowed.
I think we fit it into life ok. I work 4 evenings a week and some day times. My boys are only just about to start full time school and preschool so sometimes i would be on day time child duty. When I'm working days, dh is on day child duty. We just juggle the kids between us. He is away 2 weekends a month studying and also one day a week from 7am till 9pm for his studies. Life is full on and busy

Does no one discuss new boyfriends with their friends? I definitely would. But out of respect for my husband, I don't as he has asked me not to.

Truthfully, I would be very worried if DH asked to open up. He just isn't interested. If he wanted to, I would need to know what had changed. It would just have to be an open and non judgemental conversation. I wouldn't object to him seeing anyone else as long as he was honest.

Perhaps he doesn't ask as he is afraid to know.

I don't think so.

@Wannabegreenfingers

I cant find one partner, let alone 2 or 3 🙃

Snap!

One disappointment at a time for me.

To me, it just seems to be a slightly more 'upmarket', if that's the right word, version of what was called wife -swapping. I don't expect any one person to meet all of my needs, but I really don't think I would want to invest so much time/energy/ planning just to look for an elusive something. It just adds a further complication into an already complicated life. And, again, looking at the whole wife swapping thing someone always seemed to get hurt.