Thoughts on polygamy

[Justanotherquestioner]

I feel bad that I've NC for this one...but I just don't want it linked to my other stuff.

I was hoping for a fair and reasoned discussion on polygamy.

DH and I are in an open relationship - or rather, I'm open, he isn't. I think he's pretty monogamous but is happy for me to seek sexual and emotional relationships with others.

Anyone else out there? I'm just a normal wife with a normal family. DH has asked for a little discretion when it comes to friends so I respect that. It's just a bit of a lonely place not being able to discuss my relationship/s with friends.

Interested in some of the ethics people view on it. As well as others experiences or advice. And just a general chat.

Me first, I guess -
I'm happy with my husband. He's my total rock. He's hard working but not a workaholic. He's focused and genuine. We have had an open relationship for about a year now which has been tricky in covid times and has involved a lot of walks for dates. I feel more, I don't know, settled

I recently watched a tv show where a couple soon to be married had a new flat mate. Couple (guy, girl) flat mate (girl). They suddenly realised that they both were very attracted to her both mentally and physically. You could see it in their eyes.

Anyway the show covers everything from them trying to mentally understand what they are going through. As well as getting the support of their friends and families. Not easy at all. It's confusing and odd to most people. However that's purely because it's not common.

In the end the three of them basically loved each other equally but the two of them getting married and then going on honeymoon obviously made the third confused and in the end she left.

The show finished with them happily being a relationship of three people. The question is what are your partners thoughts. He may have a limit here and may not be open to this.

I think as long as everyone is happy and no one's being harmed who cares. Wasn't that long ago that it was considered inappropriate and taboo to be gay or to be in a mixed race couple. Now a days you're odd if you don't accept these.

Are you sure you're not talking about polyamory and not polygamy?

@Rocktheboat87 what was the show? Someone told me about it but I forgot the name

How did it come about OP? Did you suggest it? How did your DH react? Do you have children? How do you explain to your husband / children the time away from the family? Do you just say you're going on a date?

My DH and I accepted many years ago that we both enjoy the company of others/flirting/the chase etc to give it up entirely.

We are happily married, have a lovely family, good friends etc. But we are both about our flirtations and it ultimately leads to a far happier relationship for us.

Occasionally he gets too involved, because he is overly emotional anyway, but that's just who he is.

I don't actively go out of my way to go on dates etc, but if an opportunity arises and I fancy someone, it is good to know that I can pursue it without guilt.

No one in real life knows, although we are a fairly fun couple, I think, and I think we have a stronger marriage than most people I know.

Haha oh shite. Polyamory. Yes.

We had a very detailed conversation last year. He said he doesn't believe I'm very happy with marriage. That I'm not settled being married. I'm not sure how we came to the conclusion but we both agreed I would be happier.

We have two young children, yes. I just say I'm going out or away, to them. They are too young to understand yet.

To my husband, yes, I say I'm off on a date, or going away. We juggle his alone time, my alone time and family time. We both appreciate time apart from eachother and the family. His reasons are because he is introverted.

I am op! We have an open relationship too- in theory on both sides, but DH doesn't seem overly motivated to pursue anything yet from his end. Never been happier as we aren't hugely sexually compatible but we love each other, are best friends, and awesome co-parents. It works for us. We have a few rules- no one we know mutually. No one from work. Stop if feelings develop.

@Iknowtheanswer what are your thoughts on the emotional side of things? I'm not scared of developing emotions with someone else. Husband has simply said if I get more serious about someone then I really must approach him for a conversation

I’m polyam. I have one partner who I’ve been seeing almost two years. Another relationship ended earlier this year but we’re working out a friendship. I recently started seeing two other people over the summer…didn’t really intend for it to be two new relationships but I’m not great at the casual thing.

I would broadly identify as solopoly. I don’t live with my partners, though in the case of my long term guy I love him very much. I think I would find the don’t ask don’t tell aspect hard. Part of what I love about poly is the openness and sense of a found family.

On partner1’s birthday, me and his other partner spent the day hanging out then the three of us spent the next day together. It just felt like a very close, very joyous connection thats oretty unique and made me really buzzy and happy. I think I’d miss it if it wasn’t an option in my partnerships.

Ours is more about sex than emotions- I definitely see our relationship as the loving one and any men who come in on the periphery as, well, peripheral. It's amazingly easy!

I think proper polygamy can work for some. Like a proper marriage/relationship with more than one wife. But what you describe is just promiscuity IMHO.

Easy is a really interesting choice of words, @Grumpasaurus. That description really resonates with me. I think I really do seek emotional connection with others though.

I don't think I'd be able to go back to monogamy now.

@wishfuldreamer, that sounds just so wonderful and liberating.

I wonder of polyam, if culturally accepted, would be a good way for society to move towards. Many people feel cheated on in their relationships. But maybe it's about not being monogamous. I don't think I've ever been monogamous, although I have confirmed and haven't cheated on anyone before

I find the emotional side easy. I think of life like a long walk. My DH is my travel companion and we are completely together, but we meet people and have experiences along the way.

Some people I do feel very close to, and they have an impact on me and my life, but I am pretty pragmatic to it is easy to let them go.

I'm more careful to make sure I don't hurt anyone else tbh. I'd never lead anyone on if they wanted more.

@Viviennemary interesting. Would you be willing to share more of your thoughts? I don't consider myself particularly promiscuous. I value commitment and don't have multiple sexual partners. But yes, I am not only having sex with my husband

Yes we are and I echo a lot of what has already been said here. The BBC show was trigonometry and it was really great. I was glad to see these kind of relationships getting some kind of platform although I think it is still a bit fringe and misunderstood, as the poster above me demonstrates by suggesting it's promiscuity.

In terms of a non-monogamous future, I don't know. I think that it's not for everyone - some people are just better suited, in terms of temprement, desires, and the way they want to live their lives, to monogamy. others to different flavours of ethical non-monogamy. I think the important thing, that i'd really like to see, is that there isn't an assumption that there is only one way to set up relationships, and that people are able to make more considered choices earlier in life. it took me so long to get to the point where I realised this was a valid choice that was ok, and worked for me.

I think that for lots of people, polyamory specifically - in the sense of multiple loving and committed relationships - isn't for everyone. for lots of people (as evidenced here by you and other posters) it's more about emotional monogamy and sexual ENM. and that's ok - i think it's good to be aware of it, and to think about what works for you as an individual, and as a collective unit if you're a couple.

oh, and yes, it was super liberating. sometimes, when i'm walking down the street, i sometimes want to skip because i feel both so happy and so free. it's lovely :-)

You must make your own choices in life. But being married and having affairs isn't polygamy as I understand it. If it is then there must be quite a lot of polygamous relationships.

@Viviennemary she isn’t having affairs if her husband has consented to it.

It’s fine. I’m glad it’s becoming more talked about and accepted, slowly. I’m not sure it would work for me personally, but neither would marriage. I think the ‘traditional’ relationship framework that’s pushed on us by society is incredibly heteronormative and can be stifling and isn’t the only way to live, and the more accepting society becomes of different types of relationships, the better.

I cant find one partner, let alone 2 or 3 🙃

@Viviennemary quite. I would never have an affair. I consider them immoral and unethical. However, what if, perhaps, people felt more able to state their desire to either love or be sexual with more than one person

@wishfuldreamer you've reminded me actually. When I was first dating my husband, I was also dating another fella. Sometimes as a three we would hang out - not sexually. They both knew about eachother and became great friends. At one point I felt I "should" pick. I'm sad I felt that was something I should do because we were all very happy

Yes, I suppose for me, it's a bit of emotional monogamy, and sexual ethnically non-monogamy- though this may change over time.

I like the idea of DH being the partner I take a long walk with, though- he is definitely my "person". But we are so much happier, both together and apart, when my higher libido and more exploratory sexual nature is satisfied.

@Wannabegreenfingers it may be liberating. I can enjoy the company of others knowing that they don't need to become my life partner. My current guy that I'm seeing is actually someone I have known for a very long time. He would never in a million years be a good life partner for me but I very much enjoy his company and as a friend, I absolutely treasure him

*sexual ethical non-monogamy

And I too feel very liberated- it's like finally, I have complete control over my own relationships and can express freely and without shame my wants and needs. It's amazing.

@Grumpasaurus are you honest with your friends and family? A couple of friends know, but I don't make a habit of telling people