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Thoughts on polygamy

87 replies

Justanotherquestioner · 28/08/2021 20:28

I feel bad that I've NC for this one...but I just don't want it linked to my other stuff.

I was hoping for a fair and reasoned discussion on polygamy.

DH and I are in an open relationship - or rather, I'm open, he isn't. I think he's pretty monogamous but is happy for me to seek sexual and emotional relationships with others.

Anyone else out there? I'm just a normal wife with a normal family. DH has asked for a little discretion when it comes to friends so I respect that. It's just a bit of a lonely place not being able to discuss my relationship/s with friends.

Interested in some of the ethics people view on it. As well as others experiences or advice. And just a general chat.

Me first, I guess -
I'm happy with my husband. He's my total rock. He's hard working but not a workaholic. He's focused and genuine. We have had an open relationship for about a year now which has been tricky in covid times and has involved a lot of walks for dates. I feel more, I don't know, settled

OP posts:
chaosrabbitland · 29/08/2021 16:34

@Viviennemary

If one person can't meet your needs then there is no point in getting married. So your marriage isnt worth the paper its written on. Its a lie.
id have to agree with this as well , the whole thing just sounds a bit farcial to me , one spouse having to agree to the other sleeping with other people because its the only way that other one will be fulfiled sounds wrong to me .
BiBabbles · 29/08/2021 16:55

My spouse and I had a similar-ish conversation - however, we started off what way back in the mists of time was just called a 'non-exclusive' relationship and only became exclusive after our other relationships naturally ended and we just didn't pick up any others and after living together on what was meant to be a trip, we chose to get married.

Decadeish later, we were stressed out while dealing with so many caring responsibilities both in our home and in our wider family and for some reason my mind kept compulsively going back to our early relationship where I had less but similar stresses but then I also had multiple romantic relationships that I kept thinking about and he said one day I was in bed struggling to sleep and he just rubbed my back and said that maybe the reason I keep thinking about it is I miss that, that maybe it isn't as behind me or on the shelf of my youth as I was thinking prior to that.

That conversation was over 7 years ago and while I've met some nice people and families, but I'm still living as monogamous. We both are. While we both have the capacity to be polyamorous and I have enjoyed that before and might again, but I don't really actively pursue it. I have daydreams now and then about what I would ideally like and we talk about them, but I'm in a 'if it happens, it happens' space as I was when I was younger. I actually found many of the polyamory-specific space really off-putting.

We do have a friend who lives with us who has been called a platonic partner of the household and was largely accepted by our extended family before their deaths - he went to several family meals in our area and he even went and was welcomed into one of the funerals. I've also had affectionate friends - as in holding hands rather than as a euphemism, though they've moved on. I've had crushes which I've discussed with my spouse, but there wasn't really enough there to pursue.

Honestly, I think part of the appeal of polyamory - and where some of the community issues stem from -- is that as a society we've built up a narrative around romantic and sexual relationships as the most important barring possibly children, with familial coming after, and then friends and then maybe wider community and with how our economic and other social systems system are structured, our free time becomes narrowed, many lose friends or have friendships become most distant over other commitments, and while being called friendless is an insult, it's rarely taken seriously, even less seriously considered are the emotions within a platonic relationship having value.

I think it is currently more socially acceptable right now to say 'something was missing/wrong in my marriage so we decided to open it up' than it is to say 'I am lonely'. I think, as a bisexual women married to a man, that it's more acceptable and less emotionally vulnerable for me to say 'I miss having romantic and sexual relationships with women' than it is for me to say how much I miss the friendships I've lost over the years and I'm not sure how to rebuild my social life. I think socially we've made it harder for adults to look for friends than friends "with benefits" (as if friendship isn't enough of a benefit). For many, yes, multiple romantic and/or sexual relationships is enjoyable, but I think just as many people within polyamorous spaces are looking for more human connections and this is a route they've found for it. That there is a large asexual community within many polyamorous spaces I think speaks volumes.

Ethically, the more people, the more ethical issues that can crop up and I do think some polyamorous communities need to own up to the fact that some of their ideals like 'no rules, only boundaries' and similar has been abused and that many of them perpetuate the same type of harmful dating ideals as wider society. The tendency of those in power within those groups to use softer words around it or assuming just because someone consents that there isn't an issue or the whole 'don't yuck someone's yum' as if power dynamic issues don't affect us because we can love multiple people and use certain words has really put me off being in those spaces where they're in charge.

If one person can't meet your needs then there is no point in getting married. So your marriage isnt worth the paper its written on. Its a lie.

Marriage certificates are just as legally binding in this situation. Not everyone includes 'forsake all others' or similar in their vows and while adultry is a long legally accepted reason for divorce (though not for ending civil partnerships), it doesn't actually make the document a lie anymore than it would so a will.

The Romantics might have built up this cultural ideal of one person meeting all our needs, but that's never been the case and even in religious traditions where adultery is a major sin, the idea of one partner has largely been held to one sex and other platonic relationships are still a thing. We're not as independent as society tries to sell us is good, our needs for others runs deeper than that.

Tradusa · 29/08/2021 18:13

hg

Tradusa · 29/08/2021 18:21

sorry, phone posted above! I wonder if poly experienced folk can answer my question. Myself and DH are talking about opening up as we aren't having sex at all and haven't since I had an affair several years ago. The affair has been well discussed and we have healed well, as far as I can tell we are in a good place in our marriage for communication and love. He would like to be able to approach people for no strings sex and I am OK with that. On my side, I only really want to sleep with affair man - though it might also be fun to do flirting and stuff with others. The openness of the conversation between DH and me has improved things a lot and I no longer feel so pressured to have sex, with the happy result that I fancy DH more and we have had sex once or twice for the first time in years. DH is worried that if I go back with AP I will get in too deep emotionally, but AP is the definition of the kind of man I want to sleep with but would not want in my life on any more of a partnership basis. So not sure if i should push to be 'allowed' to go back to seeing AP to get sexual needs met and keep it open and honest with DH.

wishfuldreamer · 29/08/2021 18:30

@Tradusa - I would say the generally accepted wisdom is that if you open up for a particular person (in your case, your former affair partner) it’s a dangerous game. The jealousy which results from the insecurity - that your husband is already voicing - is hard to overcome.

Secondly, abd I haven’t done this so it’s not personal experience, be careful of seeing an open relationship as the solution to relationship problems. Adding other people rarely helps - you need to be pretty solid as a couple with good communication, and I feel like healed wounds from infidelity are going to be a hard place to start from. I feel like they could rip open quite easily.

Have you thought about talking through this in therapy? Also, the best dramatic construction of this is the four episodes of Easy that follows a couple opening up. I thought Wanderlust wasn’t a super realistic depiction though there are some good parts. Haven’t watched trigonometry but curious now 😁

Justanotherquestioner · 29/08/2021 20:38

I agree with @wishfuldreamer. Your dh wont trust you with AP and nor should he be expected to. AP is associated with a betrayal. It's dodgy territory.

OP posts:
Lockheart · 29/08/2021 20:56

@Viviennemary

If one person can't meet your needs then there is no point in getting married. So your marriage isnt worth the paper its written on. Its a lie.
Marriage is a legal contract between two people. How many people you both sleep with at the same time or otherwise has no bearing on the legal ties laid down in that contract.

You can wish to establish a legal and romantic relationship with one person whilst still maintaining a romantic-only relationship with others.

Polyamory wouldn't be for me, but to argue that it invalidates a legal contract is pure nonsense.

PickAChew · 30/08/2021 00:16

Is he happy with it or just plain resigned?

Kanaloa · 30/08/2021 00:38

I don’t know. I guess if it works for you it works for you but I could just see it causing so many problems.

What if you fell in love with one of the people you were sleeping with? Do you keep it secret from your kids as they get older? What if you’re out and come across one of your dates, wouldn’t that be so awkward?

Kanaloa · 30/08/2021 00:40

Also, I could see it being hurtful for the uninvolved partner. When you have small kids married life can seem boring. It’s all too easy to forgo romance to just trudge along with daily life. If I was dating others as well I don’t know how I’d find the energy to properly but effort into my marriage and relationship with my husband. It’s not the fire of first love relationship, and it’s a lot more work.

Hawkins001 · 30/08/2021 01:04

You only live once as long as.your both happy, then that's all that matters.

MyBadHabitsLeadToYou · 30/08/2021 01:27

i would be interested in opening up our relationship but DH seems less keen

See I don’t understand how you even approach this conversation.

If my husband said this to me I would consider our marriage over. I am fairly sure he would feel the same way.

If he raised this with me, I would take it as “right he wants to stay with me and fuck other women”.

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