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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He was violent to ex

82 replies

chocbic · 01/12/2007 22:27

I've been seeing someone for around 4 months. We're taking it very slowly as we both have kids.

Anyway, He took me for a meal tonight and during conversation he confessed to having beaten his ex wife which was the reason for them splitting 2 years ago.

He said he wanted to be 100% honest with me which is why he told me even though he knows I'll probably run a mile.

I'm unsure what to do, obviously it's worrying but if he's admitting it and being so honest that's a good sign? or am I being naive because I like him so much?

OP posts:
Carmenere · 01/12/2007 22:28

I'm sorry but I would run a mile.

themulledsnowmanneredjanitor · 01/12/2007 22:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

krabbiepatty · 01/12/2007 22:28

Run like the wind. Really.

LuckySalem · 01/12/2007 22:29

Chocbic - Give him time, let him prove that he's not still like that. Don't rush anywhere with him etc. Don't move in with him or seal yourself off to the point where you rely on him till you know in your heart that it's not going to happen again.

Past is the past in my book. My DP admitted something to me before we got serious and I had to trust him whilst still being suspicious - we're still together 3 and 1/2 years later and expecting our first child ONLY because he proved it was sorted.

paulaplumpbottom · 01/12/2007 22:29

Your a mom, you have to think about your kids first. Call it off now you don't need this. He was honest with you and thats great but you just can't

NKF · 01/12/2007 22:31

I'd call it a day. I really would. Who needs it?

Snaf · 01/12/2007 22:31

Absolutely no way.

So what if he's 'being honest'? Is the advance warning going to make you feel any better if/hen he does the same to you?

NKF · 01/12/2007 22:31

Did he give a reason for hitting her?

Snaf · 01/12/2007 22:31

if/when

krabbiepatty · 01/12/2007 22:31

The only circumstances in which I can imagine even hesitating would be if he had had extensive therapy / anger management help/ whatever.
And frankly I think I would still leg it.

paulaplumpbottom · 01/12/2007 22:32

Is there a good reason?

NKF · 01/12/2007 22:33

Well, of course not. But I do think there might be a clue of how dangerous and deluded he is in the answer. For example, if he said that it was her fault because she provoked him, that would indicate one thing and if he took full responsibility that would indicate another. In either case, I'd run a mile. Really, I just wondered what he said.

noddyholder · 01/12/2007 22:34

Run like hell-now preferab;y

Original poster
chocbic · 01/12/2007 22:34

not much of an excuse really, he said it was a clash of personalities and he had issues with his temper which he has had councelling for since.

OP posts:
NKF · 01/12/2007 22:34

Well, time to delete that number I'd say.

coldtits · 01/12/2007 22:35

No Snaf, the warning is to make him feel better. ("I warned you I could get like this!")

Did he show any remorse, any insight into the morals? Did he offer any explanation

Original poster
chocbic · 01/12/2007 22:36

He seemed very embarrased and ashamed to be honest and admitted that the fault lied 100% with him.

OP posts:
LuckySalem · 01/12/2007 22:36

Chocbic - if he's had counselling then that would say he's realised he has a problem and is trying to fix it.

I still say give him a chance - just take things ultra slow.

Elizabetth · 01/12/2007 22:38

Abusers are usually charming and good liars, including doing the remorseful "I'll be honest" bit. If they weren't good at it they'd never get any woman to go near them in the first place. Don't fall for it. Find a man who doesn't beat up women.

NKF · 01/12/2007 22:39

There are hundreds, thousands of men who've never hit a woman. You don't need one that does.

TotalChaos · 01/12/2007 22:39

another vote for legging it.

Elizabetth · 01/12/2007 22:41

It would be like getting a dog that you know has already bitten people.

Original poster
chocbic · 01/12/2007 22:41

see another reason I'm in two minds is because I'm not exactly defenseless myself and although I wouldn't want to be in a violent relationship, he simply wouldn't have the option of beating me up. So I suppose it brings us to the psycological issues around it...is it a problem that he is capable of beating up people more defenseless than himself when it really wouldn't effect me anyway?

I don't know, I'm just babbling now. I really liked/like him.

OP posts:
Carmenere · 01/12/2007 22:42

I have to admit, m first thought was that he was telling you so that in the future he could blame you for continuing the relationship with him because you knew he had a history of abusing
I would talk to him about it and say that it is so far off your radar of acceptability that you are seriously thinking of never seeing him again. continue at your peril and at the first sign of an abusive nature drop him.

paulaplumpbottom · 01/12/2007 22:42

Oh babe, you'd be suprised. Do you really want a relationship where you might need to defend yourself? What about your kids?

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