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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He was violent to ex

82 replies

chocbic · 01/12/2007 22:27

I've been seeing someone for around 4 months. We're taking it very slowly as we both have kids.

Anyway, He took me for a meal tonight and during conversation he confessed to having beaten his ex wife which was the reason for them splitting 2 years ago.

He said he wanted to be 100% honest with me which is why he told me even though he knows I'll probably run a mile.

I'm unsure what to do, obviously it's worrying but if he's admitting it and being so honest that's a good sign? or am I being naive because I like him so much?

OP posts:
mamazon · 01/12/2007 22:42

If my ex ever found somenoe stupid enough to date him i woudl feel sorry for her.

i know you like him but violance is not usualy something that someone can just decide not to do again.

you will in time to come say or do something that winds him up and see just why he and his ex split.
of course it is up to you. if you choose to continue with the relationship then take things very slowly and do not introduce him to your children until you have had a row.

Snaf · 01/12/2007 22:43

I bet he told his wife that he was really sorry, too.

Elizabetth · 01/12/2007 22:44

That is so not a good attitude to go into a relationship with - that you could match him in a physical fight. What is the size and strength difference between you?

Snaf · 01/12/2007 22:45

I don't understand your last post, sorry. Are you saying that because you are physically strong, his violence would not be an issue? Because you could theoretically fight back? You are already deluding yourself, if that is the case. Domestic violence is about a whole lot more than cuts and bruises.

I apologise if I've got the wrong end of the stick but...wow. It sounds as if you are making excuses for him already.

TotalChaos · 01/12/2007 22:46

chocbic - the physical violence tends to be accompanied by psychological unpleasantness too. so it's almost certainly not as simple as thinking - well I'll be fine as I could have him in a fight.

berolina · 01/12/2007 22:46

Oh gawd. I can see why you're thinking along the lines you are, but I think in your position I'd be out of there.

LuckySalem · 01/12/2007 22:47

I just asked my DP for mans' opinion and he says to run as wel which I didn't expect.

I don't know anymore tbh. My answer was wait and see but DP's just said what if he waits 5 years before hitting you. By which point you're more invested and think it's your fault and become a "battered wife"

Original poster
chocbic · 01/12/2007 22:47

I think that last post made me sound like I was "bigging" myself up I didn't mean it like that. I've been training in martial arts for 4 years and whilst I'm sure he would "out do" me strengh wise I'm confident I would be able to defend myself enough to put him off doing it/continuing it. I wouldn't then stay with him of course, I'm just saying this is why the risk of "the first time" doesn't bother me too much.

Size differences, he is around 6.1" and I'm 5.10"

OP posts:
paulaplumpbottom · 01/12/2007 22:49

Look I grew up with my dad being violent to my mom.Men like this don't change. Think about how it would feel for you if your kids saw him hit you, even if it was the first time. Its easier to get out now than it will be later.

MAMAZONtopofSanta · 01/12/2007 22:52

my ex was 6ft im 6'1.

i am built like a brick shit house and can quite easily knock someones block off if i felt the need. i am by no means an easy target.
if anyone who knew me before i met my ex were asked teh least likely person to suffer Dv they would have named me.

im army trained and been bought up on a council estate where if you couldn't fight you didnt leave your house.

BUT i was still knocked shit out of on a daily basis.

seriously if you believe Dv onl;y happens to poor little weeklings who can't hit back you really are deluded.

Snaf · 01/12/2007 22:52

I can't believe you are even contemplating going into a relationship with a man where you have already worked out your defensive strategy for the first time he hits you.

Elizabetth · 01/12/2007 22:54

You sound like you want to talk yourself into this chocbic. How about being the woman who walks away from the scumbag who beats up women? How do you think his ex feels about his attacks two years down the line? Do you think she's able to trust men again? Do you think her emotional scars have healed? How about his kids, what do you think it did to them being exposed to DV? Because believe me they'd know about it.

NKF · 01/12/2007 22:58

I think you must know that nobody will say go ahead with this. Would you tell a friend to continue seeing him? The decision is yours of course but you've heard some of the sanest and straightest advice it's possible to have.

You can't like him that much. It's only four months and you're taking it slowly. I won't keep posting because that would probably only get your hackles up but the only sensible thing to do is to drop it now.

1sue1 · 01/12/2007 23:01

What would put me off wouldn't be the fear that he might hit you (you say you can look after yourself so why would you be in fear), but the fact that he is/was the kind of person who lashed out...men who can't communicate by speech and use violence instead are most unnattractive and unpleasant.

A bloke who I had thought fairly nice and attractive put me right off by admitting he had once been into 'football violence'.

So, just because you are not going to be on the receiving end, it soesn't mean there are no warning bells as to the kind of person he might be.

geekymummy · 01/12/2007 23:26

I'm with Carmenere.

Get rid. Run Forrest!

Heated · 01/12/2007 23:54

He's nice to be with, he's been honest with you, you believe everyone deserves another chance, you think it's a relationship with possibilities..yet it has only been 4 months, you have not seen him lose his temper yet and you have children to protect, that about sum it up?

I hope you don't believe that you'll be the woman to change him. Only he can do that.

My dispassionate advice would be to walk away. Could you trust him alone with your children (who we all know are very good at pushing buttons)? Could you ever relax? What will he be like when the going invariably gets tough?

But if you didn't walk away, for your own sake I hope you bide your time, take it slow and gather info. What have his family said about this abusive relationship? His friends? If you don't know his family & friends or haven't met any then alarm bells would be ringing. How long was this relationship for? Were children involved? The police? Crim record?

If this was your own daughter, what would you advise?

catsmother · 02/12/2007 00:52

Think this is a situation where the old adage of there being plenty more fish in the sea has never been more apt.

Why put yourself through the angst that this confession will inevitably bring ? There has to be trust between partners (never more so than when children are also involved) and could you honestly say you'll ever be able to trust him 100% now ?

deeeja · 02/12/2007 02:14

The reason he has told you about the violence to his ex, is so he can start prepping you for the same.In fact, he has probably already laid the foundations by the sound of it.
Would you hire a nanny who had once hit children?Yet you need to ask for opinions on this matter?
You know you have to break it off with him.
I bet he makes you feel special, like the only woman in the world. Then when he has got you right where he wants you, he will hit you too. First he has to check it is 'safe' to hit you. He has already started testing you out. You need to get out, he has already sucked you in. Your judgement is already impaired.
GET AWAY FROM HIM NOW!

MommalovesHerSpanglyXmasName · 02/12/2007 02:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

TwinklyfLightAttendant · 02/12/2007 06:24

Reading the 'clash of personality' line has be frozen to the spot. It takes more, much, much more than a bit of 'counselling' for a man like this to change. I was exactly like you when I met my ex last year. I was all 'sure, but nobody is perfect, I'll never find someone without a fault, he'll never have the chance to do it to me because I won't let him'. Well, it took a few months for his lovely abusive personality to come shining through. I gave him a couple of chances on the minor stuff. Then it got bad, and I was already pregnant. And yes, he had in the 8 months we were together, been abusive to me, and my son. Once or twice to my son. And I will NEVER forgive myself for letting that happen. Never. Only once or twice, he never even lived with us, but the power he had and the effect his behaviour (and my 'allowing it' ) had, remains with my son a year later.

I worked out from that, that my standards had been very low and that if you are to be with a man you have to trust him 110%. Anything less is just stupid. And yes, there are men out there who have no history or inclination to violence. Honestly, there are! Dee is right. He is prepping you.
So sorry. Please get out before you become another statistic - even if he just tries it once.

TwinklyfLightAttendant · 02/12/2007 06:25

sorry has me frozen.

TwinklyfLightAttendant · 02/12/2007 06:27

And that's not a knee jerk reaction, honestly I can see where you are coming from but really, really...I was just where you are. I was such a fool not to listen to people right at the start.
I was lucky to get out after 8 months. What a waste of time it was though

ABudafulSightWereHappyTonight · 02/12/2007 07:37

"Clash of personalities" sounds to me like his excuse for the fact that his ex didn't agree with him 100% or toe the line (his line obv).

I had an ex who went for me physically once. We split up straight away but I got back with him a year later. It was a long time ago and we were both early 20s and still living with our respective parents. Were together for another year but in all that time whenever we argued I backed down as I didn't want a repeat of the violence. I wasn't "me" during that year. I was treading on eggshells.

That will be you. You will tread eggshells each and every time you have a disagreement. And each and every time there is an issue with your children. I don't think it is worth it to either you or your children to take the risk.

Does he still see his children? What is current relationship with his ex like?

SpiritualKnot · 02/12/2007 08:09

I had a boyfriend who admitted early on that he hit his ex, but ofcourse it wasn't really his fault. I did wonder at the time why he was telling me about it.

It was around 2 years later before he started hitting me, by which time I was in a deep relationship with him. He was funny and charming but would just belt me if I wasn't 100% behaving the way he wanted me to. They change the rules all the time as well, so you never know what's going to set them off.

It was quite hard to finish with him as you get pretty scared of annoying these people.

If someone told me that now, I would take it as a sure sign they're warning me that at some point they're going to hit me and I'd be off.

He's testing the water to see whether you accept the idea of men hitting women..by staying with him you're saying that it's ok.

SK

LoveMyGirls · 02/12/2007 08:12

I've been abused.

My ex didn't hit me for the first 6 mths or so of our relationship - he was the nicest bloke you could ever meet, quiet, great with dd, hard working, funny, gentle NEVER did i think he would hit me. I was already suffering pnd and had just come out of a bad relationship, I thought he understood, I thought he was great for wanting to take me and my dd on.

He started with calling me names, saying I was stupid, really little things you would hardly notice and he'd do it in a joky manner too then one night we hadn't rowed I was sat on the sofa and he came over and "jokingly" punched my leg, I stormed off upstairs, the next day I told him if he ever did that again I would kick him out. I don't know how long it was between the first time and the 2nd, definatly no longer than 3mths but even when he wasn't hitting me he carried on with the insults bringing my confidence even lower by the time we had been together 9mths it had got so bad I couldn't cope with it on top of pnd, dd, no money, nowhere to live (we had had to move out of the house I had because people came after him) so i was living in 3 different places a week.

One day I was so low after he punched me repeatedly for wearing a dress on a sunny day i went and took an overdose, I was only 18, luckily i survived and got help and was diagnosed with pnd.

I still went back to him, even went to hospital with injuries it took me another 18 mths to get out of the relationship and that was with 1 yr of counselling and my friends babysitting me to make sure i didnt call him or go round when i was lonely. I had another year of counselling on my own and then another year with my dp so I could learn how to have a good relationship without fear, being insecure, not wanting to be alone and me lashing out everytime we rowed (i lashed out because i was scared he would hit me too)

It was the worst time of my life and I would say in total it has taken me 5yrs to get over it and to know he will never hurt me again. My dp has been so supportive and has constantly reassured me I don't know how long it would have taken me to get over this if I hadn't had so much help and support.

But to think if i'd got out at 4mths I would never have to had to deal with all of that, once you're in it is so hard to get out because they brain wash you into believing you cant get anyone else, that you are stupid, worthless etc etc in my case he even turned me into someone who was obsessed with cleaning my teeth because he would constantly say i had bad breath so I got into the habit of brushing my teeth 6 times a day at least, even now almost 7yrs on I will brush my teeth more than most people.

I used to lash out and try to defend myself, I was never the type to cower in a corner, I did used to walk on egg shells though because the slightest thing would set him off, once it was because his breakfast wasn't hot enough - pathetic!

So my advice is run run run. IT is not worth it!