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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He was violent to ex

82 replies

chocbic · 01/12/2007 22:27

I've been seeing someone for around 4 months. We're taking it very slowly as we both have kids.

Anyway, He took me for a meal tonight and during conversation he confessed to having beaten his ex wife which was the reason for them splitting 2 years ago.

He said he wanted to be 100% honest with me which is why he told me even though he knows I'll probably run a mile.

I'm unsure what to do, obviously it's worrying but if he's admitting it and being so honest that's a good sign? or am I being naive because I like him so much?

OP posts:
ProjectIcarus · 02/12/2007 08:51

Bin him now.

I speak from experience.

OverMyDeadStuffedTurkey · 02/12/2007 09:02

Agree with the others, leave him now.

Why even risk it? You're putting your children at possible risk as well as yourself.

Put your children before any relationship.

Abusive men are charmers, they know what to say to make people get close, and they are good at acting remorseful and sorry. This doesn't mean it won't happen again.

If you stay with him, you're a fool.

TwinklyfLightAttendant · 02/12/2007 09:22

Very touched by SpiritualKnot's post. She knows what she's on about, choc - honestly, as do most of us. We don't know your partner but from what you say he has said, he is a no go area. It is a warning, that is why he is telling you. You will be far too scared to leave once you are more involved. That is how I felt - too scared in case of the backlash.
Leave leave leave xxx

NotQuiteCockney · 02/12/2007 09:44

One of my exes had hit an ex-gf of his, repeatedly.

He never ever hit me.

We were together for 3.5 years. I know he was sometimes very angry with me, he certainly had a temper, but I was not ever afraid of him, and I do not feel that he ever would have hit me.

So, I don't think it's as simple as eveyone here is saying.

Have you ever been in an emotionally or physically abusive relationship? Was your parents relationship like this at all? If the answer to both questions is 'no', and your instincts are telling you that this man is ok, I'd give it a chance. I'd be keeping an eye on him and the situation, but I'd give him a chance.

TwinklyfLightAttendant · 02/12/2007 09:53

I guess it's probably wrong to condemn a one-time hitter to a single life, but how do you know, NQC? I'd love to know the secret!!
Was there a long gap between your ex's hitting episode and him being with you? long enough for him to change substantially, I mean?

NorthernLurkerwithastarontop · 02/12/2007 09:58

Sorry - this is a red traffic light - don't go any further! You might just squeak through fine - or you might be hit by a huge truck. Neither you nor your kids need this

crokky · 02/12/2007 10:11

To the OP: you may be strong and tough now, how strong and tough would you be when 7 months pg or a few days after a caeserian section? If you stay with him, you need 100% trust, not a backup plan to defend yourself.

edam · 02/12/2007 10:20

Thing about violent men is they don't punch someone on the first date. They work on their victims, at first appearing charming and caring, then gradually destroying their self-confidence and isolating them from friends and family so the victim is dependent on the abuser and believes they are somehow provoking the violence, or deserve it, or is just too terrified to leave.

You may be strong now, but equally strong women have been conned before and turned into victims.

elfsmum · 02/12/2007 12:10

my DH was violent to his ex - lots of reasons both knew how to push each others buttons - she was also very violent to him.

No excuse - terrible relationship.

DH has a temper and was told if he EVER lay a finger on me I would leave.

4 years later he grabbed me round the throat in an arguement - I packed mine and DS1 bags and was going out the door.

He begged me to stay and swore it would never happen again, and it hasn't for the last 6 years.

I don't live in fear and we have a great relationship.

He knows if he ever did he would lose me and the DC's.

The decision is yours, just be very sure that if it does happen you walk straight away.

catsmother · 02/12/2007 12:26

This has been on my mind since last night. I just can't work out WHY he felt the need to tell you this. The "honesty" argument doesn't quite work for me because IF he had truly changed and had worked through anger management and/or dedicated counselling and he "knew" that he'd never be violent again, then why risk everything by telling you ?

Telling you something of this magnitude invariably changes your perception of him and your attitude to him. As one of the previous posters said, it's very likely that from now on, having been told that he's been violent, you will be treading on eggshells, not wanting to upset him, not wanting to disagree "just in case".

That smacks to me of control and I have a nasty feeling that THAT is why he told you what he did. Dressed up in an "I want to be completely honest with you" argument it sounds reasonably acceptable but the probability of it actually being a warning is very high. It's "cross me or else" wrapped up in pretty paper. I think he was probably trying to establish some ground rules here and can just imagine him saying, when he loses his temper with you "You made me do it, I told you what I was capable of but you had to keep pushing me".

I honestly believe it'd be impossible to continue being yourself and acting naturally now you have the knowledge you do.

Camillathechicken · 02/12/2007 12:34

there is some sterling advice here, but this really stood out, and encapsulates why you should not be with this man

Snaf on Sat 01-Dec-07 22:52:57
I can't believe you are even contemplating going into a relationship with a man where you have already worked out your defensive strategy for the first time he hits you.

it really made me shiver

WideWebWitch · 02/12/2007 12:44

Agree with everyone who says get out now.

MAMAZONtopofsanta · 02/12/2007 13:05

choc im sure you are being quite overwhelmed by all these posts and your head is being torn by what you feel.

but please please take notice of us on this thread who have "been there, done that, got the black eye"

you are a strong person now. but by the time he gets round to hitting you you may not be.
most domestic violance happens during pregnancy. why? because it is a time where the woman is vulnerable and less likely to leave.

once they have been hit once and stayed it is easeir to hit them again.
oh and if your not planning on children you can substitute pregnancy with ill/depressed.

most abusive partners work on their "victims" prior to actually hitting them. the reason they do this is to take away every ounce of self esteem. it makes you less likely to feel able to just leave.
he will belittle your strength until you don't feel yuo even have any.

you will go to hit him back one day, you may even land him one.
but he will laugh it off as if it didn't even hurt. you will be made to feel small and weak. then he will show you how to really hurt someone.

i know this is all a bit much. you have only been seeing him a short time, your taking things slowly but i have to agree with the posters who have said he is just testing the water.

if you still see him after he admits being violant you are telling him (in his mind) that you are not worthy of waiting for someone decent and calm. you are not worth enough to leave him now before you get hit, you are basicly telling him that even if he is violant you will stay.

please please don't

Monkeytrousers · 02/12/2007 13:21

Has she gone yet?

I agree, GO!

Hekate · 02/12/2007 13:26

I would run so fast he'd be talking to my dust for 10 minutes before it cleared enough for him to notice I'd legged it!

Beaten. Do you get a picture of what that means? It means he punched and kicked that woman to a bloody pulp. Repeatedly.

And when he is done being all nice and charming, he will start with the comments, then the complaints, then will work on reducing your confidence, then will start to push and yell.

Then you will be that woman lying bloody and beaten on the floor.

IMO, you need to run so fast you set your shoes on fire.

Monkeytrousers · 02/12/2007 13:26

You may kno whow to lok after yourself, I've done a it of boxing and kick boxing myself, but pound for pound a woman can never win against a man. Any decent self defence expert will tell you this. First thing you do is try to run - only stand your ground if there are no other options left!

Him being 'honest' is him saying 'you have had fair warning' - take it and go! Please!

CrushWithEyeliner · 02/12/2007 13:36

run a mile - read all this wonderful advice

good luck

TwinklyfLightAttendant · 02/12/2007 13:38

Choc if you are planning to stay with this guy, I think it would at least be wise to start by asking him how to contact his ex wife. I think you need to meet her and talk to her and try to establish in your own mind whether he is being honest with you or not. She may have a very shocking tale to tell. it is likely that he will not want you to meet her, and this is because he knows that you will never see him again once you have done so.
If he had nothing to hide, and she was really a complete loon whom you cannot imagine anyone not wanting to bash up then you will know he's a safe option.
Somehow, I really doubt it though.

Also get some exact details on the counselling he claims to have had. It's the least you can expect after a revelation like that. You need to check out the facts enough to feel you're not taking an enormous risk with this man. I have a feeling it will be very difficult to go down the detective route with him though, he will probably make it feel extremely awkward and as though you're being rude by even thinking it...well, as Lulu and Snaf said, I think therein lies your answer.

Why even consider getting involved with a man whom you have to ask us lot on MN about, because you are not sure if you trust him or not and can't just ask him?

Monkeytrousers · 02/12/2007 13:59

How do you think he will react if you do tell him it's finished?

salsmum · 02/12/2007 14:26

lovemygirls,
Just read your thread and would like to say that i think you are a truly brave lady.
Zero tolerance to wifebeaters.
I have a friend in our small group who used to beat her although she never told till they split BUT none of us liked him call it intuition because he was always polite to us but would have digs about her as a joke which we could see were more like put -downs.
Please don't take the risk with this man, be a single woman NOT a statistic.
good luck.

hercules1 · 02/12/2007 14:35

I can only echo the wise advice given already. Get out of it now.

Elizabetth · 02/12/2007 14:41

"If he had nothing to hide, and she was really a complete loon whom you cannot imagine anyone not wanting to bash up"

The thing is domestic violence turns women into complete loons - angry, unstable, insecure, defensive. It's one of the reasons so many people have sympathy with abusers, because they seem so calm and reasonable whilst their victim is in pieces. Of course what people are seeing is the results of the violence.

There is also a moral argument here. If a woman has a relationship with a man who was violent to other women (there will be more than one very likely) she's saying it's OK that he did that to other women.

I agree with the others chocbic - his "honesty" is testing the waters to see what you will tolerate. It doesn't have anything to do with real regret and is about prodding your boundaries to see how far he can go. I wouldn't be surprised if there had been a couple of other little incidents that have made you go "Whoa!" (maybe being rude to waitresses, or overreacting to some minor annoyance but then he'll have talked you round. Maybe something completely different, but I bet your instincts are telling you this man is no good. The question is if you can give up the fantasy of the good relationship that this guy is spinning for you.

WideWebWitch · 02/12/2007 14:56

I've been thinking about this and I was thinking "under what circumstances would it be ok to have been violent to his ex?" and the answer was none. There aren't any. It isn't OK. And if, having this knowledge, you go ahead and carry on seeing him and introduce him to your children I think it very likely that you will be in a very horrible position some time (maybe weeks, maybe months, maybe a year) down the line.

A lot of women don't get a warning, you've got one and in your position I'd heed it.

ShakeysGirl · 02/12/2007 14:56

If you stay with this man you are putting your children at risk. You could get hit by a bus tomorrow but would you stand in the middle of the road and wait for one? Of course not!

NKF · 02/12/2007 15:06

Also, Elizabeth, if she was a complete loon, a decent man would just leave her. Not beat her up.