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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He was violent to ex

82 replies

chocbic · 01/12/2007 22:27

I've been seeing someone for around 4 months. We're taking it very slowly as we both have kids.

Anyway, He took me for a meal tonight and during conversation he confessed to having beaten his ex wife which was the reason for them splitting 2 years ago.

He said he wanted to be 100% honest with me which is why he told me even though he knows I'll probably run a mile.

I'm unsure what to do, obviously it's worrying but if he's admitting it and being so honest that's a good sign? or am I being naive because I like him so much?

OP posts:
TwinklyfLightAttendant · 02/12/2007 15:07

Elizabetth, I hope you know that comment was tongue in cheek - badly phrased, perhaps, but in all honesty I can't imagine there would actually be a woman on this earth that could be considered a suitable target for beating. I was trying to make the point that whatever she was like, it would not excuse his behaviour in the slightest. Because there isn't any possible scenario in which beating up someone would be an appropriate thing, unless they were trying to kill you.

TwinklyfLightAttendant · 02/12/2007 15:08

Sory, loon was the wrong word. Hope I've explained what I meant now

WhenScoobyGotStuckUpTheChimney · 02/12/2007 15:31

Get out i would say but thats coming from my experience & what i know about a violent man!

I was 16 & was in a serious relationship, i thought i was in love first year was great, we moved in together & we had rows like others do but one day he pushed me across the room & grabbed me round the neck, i just thought he had lost it, told my friend who said once the pushes & grabbing etc starts it gets alot worse, i thought she was wrong but my god she was right.

I was miserable, he controlled me, made me lose all my friends, nearly lost my family, he cheated on me then would come home & beat me up.

He done many things to me including nasty horrible names, my confidence was so low i never left the house.

It was his birthday, we had booked to go to bournemouth with a group of people, i was istting in front of the mirror in my underwear drying my hair, he had a fit about something & blamed it all on me , like always, he then smashed me round the head with an iron, dragged me across the floor by my hair & kicked, punched me & walked out the door.

He came back about 20 mins after crying (yes complete bully) saying he never ment to do it etc etc, it was to much, had gone to far, i had to leave, i told no one but my closest friend about him beating me but this time was different i had to get out so i told my mum & sisters as i knew once i told them there was no going back.

The next day i packed my things & moved out, he left & moved about 100 miles away, he had already met another girl anyway, he moved in with her i was just his punch bag & someone he could abuse, i spoke with the girl about 2 months later about some clothes & you know what she said to me! "did X ever hit you?" i told her all my experience & she said he had hit her & pushed her, i knew this girls life was going to be hell, i told her & felt sorry for her she had a ds who was 18 months old. I still wonder to this day if she got away from the totally fucking abusive bully that he was & pray to god she did.

He was a complete bully & you know what i know he will go through his life beating women, he will never change.

Please do not put your children through this, you need to think of them, life with a physically & emotinally bully is truly awful & tragic, there are so many nice men out there who won't use you as there punch bag, your life will be alot happier, i say don't risk it.

Goodluck!

p.s - This post was hard to write as my ex has changed the person i am today, & the horrific memorys will haunt me forever, things like where he would repeatdly punch me in the tops of my legs, my legs at the top are so fragile now that they hurt if knocked.

Elizabetth · 02/12/2007 15:51

"Elizabetth, I hope you know that comment was tongue in cheek"

Sorry Twinkly, I was being a bit literal. I was reminded of someone here who actually sentences violent men (or rather doesn't because apparently they're always allowed to get away with it because their families couldn't cope without their salaries) who had a woman victim as a witness in front of her and thought she'd got what she'd deserved.

TwinklyfLightAttendant · 02/12/2007 16:01

Oh my giddy aunt, Elizabetth that's really shocking. I know, it can make a mess out of anyone but to have a legal professional make a judgment like that is very worrying.

JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 02/12/2007 21:16

Makes you wish there was a website where you could name and shame these bastards anonymously so the next girflriend who googled their name would get the heads up the op got.

Agreed that he told you to gauge your reaction, and men like that NEVER change.

Personally, I wouldn't touch him with someone elses's bargepole. You and your kids deserve a lot more, if you can't say "thanks, but no thanks" for yourself, do it for them.

ineedapoo · 02/12/2007 23:30

Don't get involved it is easier to walk away now. You will be happier on your own than ina controlling abusive relationship

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