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Original poster

What do you call this shit behaviour?

97 replies

Iyawa · 26/08/2021 19:34

So we agreed that we would go for dinner at 6.30pm, I made a reservation. We are on holiday. DH agreed but I sensed reluctance. I was trying to avoid over tired, hungry children by us eating any later. We had lunch at 12.

We walk passed the restaurant to see that there are plenty of tables so actually there was no need to book.

Without saying anything, DH orders DCs slush puppies at 6.20 pm in the bar area, along with a beer for himself and a drink for me. Clearly having no intention of us going for dinner at 6.30pm like he agreed to.

I say at 6.30, "right, time to go to dinner" and he predictably says "we've just ordered drinks." This wasn't agreed by me and goes against what we said was happening.

He does things like this all the time, awkward, passive aggressive stuff like this when he seemingly agrees in the first instance.

I had to be adamant and play bad cop as always, rounding everyone up against their wishes, because I know that hungry, tired children is the consequence of not going for dinner.

Is their a name for this sort of oppositional, awkward behaviour?

OP posts:

Beamur · 26/08/2021 19:35

Being a twat?

torquewench · 26/08/2021 19:36

How old are your children?

Blue4YOU · 26/08/2021 19:39

Sounds like you don’t actually get along or agree on plans really. You first say you made a reservation and then said you hadn’t.
If it’s been 6:40 when you ate would it matter?
And if you were in a bar didn’t you think you were getting a drink!
Can’t kids be allowed to be tired or have slightly irregular hours on holidays?
Maybe I’m not understanding this but actually you sound a bit like you don’t relax even on holidays and are quite strict and perhaps even controlling.
But your example is so specific it doesn’t indicate that your husband deliberately sought to undermine you.

beadsofregret · 26/08/2021 19:39

I had one of these.Oppositional , always with a BETTER idea that never came
To fruition if it involved him actually improving the situation .The greatest weight loss of my
Life when I finally accepted that him having an affair and leaving us was a life saver.
Simply put, a man child with a superiority complex,in my experience.

FlowersinJune · 26/08/2021 19:40

Poor communication, poor planner and passive aggressiveness. My ex was like this. Terrible communicator and low emotional intelligence. Rather then saying in this situation, "actually I would like to eat later is there anyway we can do that (snacks/siesta)", he would sulk when the initial proposal was made, and then when asked do lots of "no it's fine", and then try and do what he wanted to do.

My ex's mother was a micro-manger and a shouter. So I think he got use to not saying anything, but then sulked to show his disapproval.

WallaceinAnderland · 26/08/2021 19:41

Why don't you talk to each other?

Blueskytoday06 · 26/08/2021 19:42

Go for dinner and he can join you when he's had his beer.

Original poster

Iyawa · 26/08/2021 19:44

Kids are 2.5 and 6 and the youngest one is very challenging so tired and hungry isn't a good combination. I've learnt to anticipate the meltdowns before they happen.

@flowersinjune what you say really resonates.

OP posts:

Original poster

Iyawa · 26/08/2021 19:45

I get lots of "it's fine" "yes ok" blah blah then he does the opposite 😪

OP posts:

Rozziie · 26/08/2021 19:47

@Blue4YOU No, she didn't say that. She said there were plenty of tables, so there was no need to book. She wasn't to know that when she made the reservation.

I am someone who hates to mess people around so I would feel obliged to be seated at 6.30pm if that's when I made the reservation. At the very least I would ask the staff if it was OK to dine a bit later and have a drink first. I wouldn't just get drinks and sit there and assume it would be fine later!

I'm sure she knows her own kids...if they get 'hangry' and upset then I wonder who has to deal with them? Is it OP or her husband? I'm sure wanting to avoid whining, crying children on holiday is controlling.

CyclingIsNotOuting · 26/08/2021 19:47

Why does it have to be a fight though? Just pick up the drinks and take them through to the table.
I wouldn’t be best pleased the kids having slush puppies right before dinner but it’s not the end of the world.
Stick to the plan.

WallaceinAnderland · 26/08/2021 19:52

I also don't see the problem. It's pre-dinner drinks, there were plenty of tables, the hungry child would at least have a sweet drink to keep them going til food arrived. Did the children have anything to eat between lunch at 12 and the slush puppies 6.30pm?

Pinkbonbon · 26/08/2021 19:55

It's common behaviour from narcissists, if that's something that could be going on? My first partner would do this sort of thing a lot. That and cancelling plans at the last minute if he knew it was something I was particularly looking forwards to. Anything to destabilise you and make life harder. Or to cause stress, upset or disappointment.

It does not improve. And such nastiness is the behaviour of someone with contempt for you. If you see contempt in a relationship, it might be wise to run for the hills.

Blue4YOU · 26/08/2021 20:08

@Rozziie
That’s not what she said to the reservation. Or if it’s what she meant, then it isn’t clear.
I didn’t say she was controlling but rather that she sounds like she could be - basically because it sounds like it’s her way or no way.
I’m perfectly aware that she will know her children’s needs and want them met.
The point is - it’s a holiday in which she points out one example of her husband buying drinks ten minutes before the time she had set for dinner and assuming/describing it as passive aggressive. Maybe it is. She’d know I expect.
But it might also be if you are in the bar area you’d expect drinks to be bought (and what’s wrong with that though admittedly I wouldn’t be a fan of the slush puppies just before dinner) and you’d either leave them or take them with you.
Or you’d expect a conversation with husband saying come on you know dinner/hangry children etc.
She’s portrayed it like this is a really underhand controlling mechanism by him.. to what? Make the children angry? Or hungry? Upset her?

Rozziie · 26/08/2021 20:23

@Blue4YOU She literally said she made a reservation, and then when they actually arrived, turns out there were loads of tables so they hadn't needed to book. This meant her husband was able to grab a table in the bar area.

They arrived slightly earlier than their reservation time and rather than sit down in the restaurant, her husband decided to order drinks in the bar area without asking her, and then kicked up a fuss when she wanted to sit down for dinner, as he had previously agreed to. Rather than ask her if she was happy to get a drink, like a normal respectful person, he decided to just do what he wanted to do, and delay dinner because he wanted to do that, without involving her at all. When OP had been clear to him that she didn't want the kids to get tired and hungry, and had specifically booked dinner for 6.30 to avoid that.

If you think this kind of behaviour isn't controlling and manipulative, count yourself lucky you must have never encountered someone like this. It's a common tactic by childish, passive aggressive characters who won't communicate but insist on having everything their way. It's not normal behaviour.

Blue4YOU · 26/08/2021 20:28

@rozzlie
If I got her meaning to the reservation wrong fine- it seemed like she didn’t make a reservation but maybe I’m thick.
I’m also not sure about the rest of your interpretation of the events. And in fact it’s possible that it’s because I’m used to more overt bullying rather than the opposite

Justilou1 · 26/08/2021 20:31

Sabotage

Rozziie · 26/08/2021 20:43

@Blue4YOU yeah, maybe. She literally said she made a reservation, so I'm not sure why you'd think she didn't. Do you think she's lying?

There are plenty of people who do this covert kind of bullying. It's almost worse in many ways because the victim can wonder if they're being unreasonable. If OP's husband were yelling at her and calling her names, that would be clearly terrible behaviour. This kind of passive aggressive sabotage is much harder to spot. Ordering drinks and insisting on drinking them in the bar and missing your dinner reservation is controlling, coercive behaviour which can easily be justified by the perpetrator as "stop being such a stick in the mud, we're just enjoying a drink." OP's husband deliberately undermined her and got his own way by stealth. A normal, healthy person would have said "It's not that busy so we should be fine to get a table in half an hour, and the kids seem OK - do you mind if we have a drink in here before dinner?"

Screwyoularry · 26/08/2021 20:50

I can't see what the problem is. Let the restaurant know you are there and you will be through when you've finished your drinks. If I arrived 10 mins early I would go & have a drink at the bar as would most people probably l.

BrilloPaddy · 26/08/2021 20:57

Sounds exhausting, OP.

I'd let him go to dinner on his own.

Blue4YOU · 26/08/2021 21:02

@Rozziie
I don’t disagree with what you say about normal behaviour for sure!
That’s why I asked the IP the questions I did. But let’s not you and I sidetrack from what is possibly a very real issue (for the OP, or, much less likely, her husband). I think the confusion I had around the reservation is just how she phrased it (probably my lazy reading and NO I am not suggesting she was lying)

sadie9 · 26/08/2021 21:05

He's manipulating the situations to do what he wants to do.
WORSE, he's using your children as objects to get his needs met.
He didn't want to go for dinner at 6.30.
He didn't tell you that because he wants to look good in your eyes and is afraid of actually disagreeing with you to your face.
But the other part of him hates you controlling things so these devious strategies emerge.
He manipulated the children with 'fun' drinks to get his way. He is using the kids as human shields because he knows you won't cause a fight in front of them.

PalmsandCharms · 26/08/2021 21:15

It's a holiday. Lighten up. Seriously!

JaneJeffer · 26/08/2021 21:27

You're in the restaurant. Just go and sit at a table.

Rozziie · 26/08/2021 21:29

@Blue4YOU this thread seems to be split between people who have and haven't had the misfortune to have known a person like this.

The fact he unilaterally decided they were getting drinks at the bar and unilaterally decided to order slush puppies for the kids is in itself a red flag. Anyone who respected their partner would have asked first. You can tell from the OP that she was afraid to challenge him in case he kicked off but just knew that he was going to pull something like refusing to go to dinner at the time agreed, and he did.

The people going "but it's just 10/20/30 minutes later, what's the big deal?" are missing what's going on here. It's not a one off. It's a pattern of behaviour where he seemingly agrees to a plan he doesn't want because he doesn't want to be the bad guy, and then later gets his own way by not sticking to the plan. He then gets to paint her as the unreasonable stick-in-the-mud nag who is spoiling the kids' fun, and himself as the victim. It's a horrible dynamic. It wears you down. Relationships and especially parenting are supposed to be teamwork. Where's the teamwork here?

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