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Original poster

What do you call this shit behaviour?

97 replies

Iyawa · 26/08/2021 19:34

So we agreed that we would go for dinner at 6.30pm, I made a reservation. We are on holiday. DH agreed but I sensed reluctance. I was trying to avoid over tired, hungry children by us eating any later. We had lunch at 12.

We walk passed the restaurant to see that there are plenty of tables so actually there was no need to book.

Without saying anything, DH orders DCs slush puppies at 6.20 pm in the bar area, along with a beer for himself and a drink for me. Clearly having no intention of us going for dinner at 6.30pm like he agreed to.

I say at 6.30, "right, time to go to dinner" and he predictably says "we've just ordered drinks." This wasn't agreed by me and goes against what we said was happening.

He does things like this all the time, awkward, passive aggressive stuff like this when he seemingly agrees in the first instance.

I had to be adamant and play bad cop as always, rounding everyone up against their wishes, because I know that hungry, tired children is the consequence of not going for dinner.

Is their a name for this sort of oppositional, awkward behaviour?

OP posts:
Ughmaybenot · 26/08/2021 21:30

I don’t really know what the issue is? As I understand it (and I may be wrong!) you’re in the restaurant where you made the reservation, just in the bar area and not the dining area? Could you not just carry your drinks to your table?

coodawoodashooda · 26/08/2021 21:35

@beadsofregret

I had one of these.Oppositional , always with a BETTER idea that never came To fruition if it involved him actually improving the situation .The greatest weight loss of my Life when I finally accepted that him having an affair and leaving us was a life saver. Simply put, a man child with a superiority complex,in my experience.
An excellent post. I got rid of mine too.
coodawoodashooda · 26/08/2021 21:37

[quote Rozziie]@Blue4YOU yeah, maybe. She literally said she made a reservation, so I'm not sure why you'd think she didn't. Do you think she's lying?

There are plenty of people who do this covert kind of bullying. It's almost worse in many ways because the victim can wonder if they're being unreasonable. If OP's husband were yelling at her and calling her names, that would be clearly terrible behaviour. This kind of passive aggressive sabotage is much harder to spot. Ordering drinks and insisting on drinking them in the bar and missing your dinner reservation is controlling, coercive behaviour which can easily be justified by the perpetrator as "stop being such a stick in the mud, we're just enjoying a drink." OP's husband deliberately undermined her and got his own way by stealth. A normal, healthy person would have said "It's not that busy so we should be fine to get a table in half an hour, and the kids seem OK - do you mind if we have a drink in here before dinner?"[/quote]
Yes. This too. Omg im so well rid.

Rozziie · 26/08/2021 21:38

@Ughmaybenot

I don’t really know what the issue is? As I understand it (and I may be wrong!) you’re in the restaurant where you made the reservation, just in the bar area and not the dining area? Could you not just carry your drinks to your table?
OP tried to do this and her husband said "we've just ordered drinks", which is a translation for "we're going to stay here in the bar until we've finished them". And I imagine he took his sweet time finishing his.

How are people just not getting what's going on here? You really think OP is so stupid that it didn't occur to her to carry the drinks to the table?

JulesCobb · 26/08/2021 21:53

I also dont understand why people are having so much difficullty understanding op or what her twat of her husband is doing Hmm

Crikeyalmighty · 26/08/2021 21:57

@PalmsandCharms. Totally agree. Is this a family holiday or family project management.? Maybe Lighten up a bit OP , you have a lot of years to go with kids. Would 15 minutes really be an issue in the big picture— you ask what this shit behaviour is called- I personally call it intransigence- on your part

Siameasy · 26/08/2021 22:07

Have you confronted him about this potentially manipulative behaviour? I would find it very off-putting that he can’t just say “oh I don’t fancy half six” and have an adult discussion.
My DH grew up quite conflict avoidant and is known for a “sigh” or a “sulk”; his mum hates rows if DH and I so much as disagree she starts to meltdown. He wouldn’t do this though. Your DH is acting like a naughty boy

isitsummertimeyet · 26/08/2021 22:20

Does the OP always jump to her husbands requests when its time to go out or have lunch or meet a friend..

Probably not, more likely to kick up a stink and make something an issue that isnt one unless you want it to be.

Your on holiday ffs, who cares if dinner is 6pm or 9pm, the kids are not up for school, if the youngest is tired, they sleep, ive been there not long ago with that age kids.

Take a chill pill and enjoy your time out.. sounds you need a snickers with that holiday meal tbh

Original poster
Iyawa · 26/08/2021 22:26

Just to expand, the bar is an entirely separate building to the restaurant. There is a courtyard between them and drinks in each place are separate/ separate service/ separate venues.

OP posts:
mswales · 26/08/2021 22:27

[quote Rozziie]@Blue4YOU this thread seems to be split between people who have and haven't had the misfortune to have known a person like this.

The fact he unilaterally decided they were getting drinks at the bar and unilaterally decided to order slush puppies for the kids is in itself a red flag. Anyone who respected their partner would have asked first. You can tell from the OP that she was afraid to challenge him in case he kicked off but just knew that he was going to pull something like refusing to go to dinner at the time agreed, and he did.

The people going "but it's just 10/20/30 minutes later, what's the big deal?" are missing what's going on here. It's not a one off. It's a pattern of behaviour where he seemingly agrees to a plan he doesn't want because he doesn't want to be the bad guy, and then later gets his own way by not sticking to the plan. He then gets to paint her as the unreasonable stick-in-the-mud nag who is spoiling the kids' fun, and himself as the victim. It's a horrible dynamic. It wears you down. Relationships and especially parenting are supposed to be teamwork. Where's the teamwork here?[/quote]
This may be true but we really have no idea from the OP's description of this one event if he is a manipulative controller or if he is someone who just decided to get some drinks pre meal on a holiday and didn't think it was a big deal whether they sat down at 6.30 or 6.40! Only takes 10 minutes to drink a beer anyway and couldn't the drinks be carried to the table?
It is super irritating when men don't take into account that children will get tired and grumpy if plans aren't kept but this really doesn't sound like something to get angry about. Maybe this is a pattern and just one small example. But impossible to tell from the OP.

Original poster
Iyawa · 26/08/2021 22:28

@Rozziie thank you for understanding perfectly. 🙏

OP posts:
CheshireChat · 26/08/2021 22:29

My ex did shite like this because

  1. He was controlling
  2. He was so selfish he couldn't take anyone else's wants into account
  3. He never actually did any of the child wrangling when our son was kicking off so it didn't affect him

I really wonder if the OP's husband is the one who will have to sort out the hungry toddler or not

mswales · 26/08/2021 22:30

Ok sorry OP your post does say it's a pattern. In which case you know more than we do if this is shitty behaviour. This example on its own doesn't sound bad but if there was this background and you know his motivations are controlling then yes I can see why it was so infuriating

DoctorTwo · 26/08/2021 22:32

What positives does this man bring to your life? Does he have a gold cock? I don't understand why some men want to make their woman's life harder.

snoopy8 · 26/08/2021 22:34

@Beamur

Being a twat?
This
Original poster
Iyawa · 26/08/2021 22:34

Yes it does seem to be a pattern.
He'll opt out of all the planning, usually say "I'm not bothered" when I ask for his input or opinion and then it comes to the actual event/situation and he will all of a sudden want to do things differently but won't communicate it. He'll make us deliberately late, be avoidant, say no, complain. He has the right to change his mind, but he needs to communicate his thoughts around a change of plan eg "actually I'd rather have a drink here etc." But I think perhaps he knows that what he really wants often isn't in anyone else's best interests other than his own, so he seemingly becomes devious about it.

OP posts:
IamEarthymama · 26/08/2021 22:34

Iyawa love and blessings.

I guess if pp haven’t experienced this behaviour they cannot understand the subtle manipulation going on.
Good for them.
For those of us who have lived it, the absolute draining of your energy and enthusiasm is constant and wearing.

My lovely, don’t put up with it. Label it and say it out loud.
I had to and it was very difficult for me to say.

These I state what I want to do, and I do it!

Sulk away mate, crack on! Not my problem. But there are no children to consider now.

IamEarthymama · 26/08/2021 22:34

These days obviously, sorry

Rosieposie79 · 26/08/2021 22:46

I had a similar issue - DH would refuse to get involved in planning and call me controlling. The only improvement came when he was furloughed and I was working. This meant he had to take over the entire children's day from morning entertainment through mealtimes and to tired and grumpy afternoons and bedtime meltdown. THEN he understood why we needed a routine.

Can you relax with a drink and go with your husband's change of plan then take yourself off for a nice walk at the point where you know the kids are going to kick off?

lemonadecar · 26/08/2021 22:49

I think what mostly comes across from this post is the OP’s discomfort and the fact she is having one hell of a holiday (which I bet she packed for and is doing all the donkey work on). I bet op was trying to precision time the kids’ dinner so all four could have a good time, and that she was already exhausted by working (yes, working) with the kids all day. It sounds like the husband wanted, against this backdrop, to cause chaos, and then to be all ‘jeez, lighten up!’ — a position many PP are unfortunately echoing,

OP I see you, and it sucks.

LawnFever · 26/08/2021 23:00

@Iyawa

Just to expand, the bar is an entirely separate building to the restaurant. There is a courtyard between them and drinks in each place are separate/ separate service/ separate venues.
Why did you all go over to a completely separate bar not near the restaurant 10mins before you were going for dinner, what did you think you were going there for?

When you walked past the restaurant 10mins earlier than you’d planned to eat I’d have said, oh it’s quiet anyway but nevermind let’s just go in and eat now.

CheshireChat · 26/08/2021 23:00

Also, not all kids cope with 'lightening up', some really do need some structure. Especially if you have a really strict routine the rest of the year, it's quite natural they'll need it on holiday to some extent.

Some don't of course, my kid is pretty good as long as you throw snacks/ drinks at him at regular intervals. cue flashback with ex kicking off as he didn't want to have to carry anything for our young son

RogueV · 26/08/2021 23:06

I agree with you op.
My kids are the same age as yours and we’d probably be having dinner at 17:00 rather that 18:30! I do most of the planning and thinking around lunch and dinner times when we’re out and about - my DH goes along with it.

Also slushies before their meal?! No chance!

LawnFever · 26/08/2021 23:06

OP tried to do this and her husband said "we've just ordered drinks", which is a translation for "we're going to stay here in the bar until we've finished them". And I imagine he took his sweet time finishing his.

How are people just not getting what's going on here? You really think OP is so stupid that it didn't occur to her to carry the drinks to the table?

But why did they all traipse over to this other bar if it was so important to sit down to dinner at 6.30, they should’ve just gone into the restaurant when they passed it 10mins earlier.

If the table isn’t booked, and it’s quiet anyway, and the OP didn’t lead everyone in when the opportunity was there I can perfectly see why her DH didn’t think it was necessary to sit down on the stroke of 6.30 anymore.

Lack of communication/action on both parts really, I’d have just gone straight into the restaurant rather than amble about.

Flowers500 · 26/08/2021 23:09

Christ if this is how fun you are on holidays…

Get a grip!

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