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Original poster

What do you call this shit behaviour?

97 replies

Iyawa · 26/08/2021 19:34

So we agreed that we would go for dinner at 6.30pm, I made a reservation. We are on holiday. DH agreed but I sensed reluctance. I was trying to avoid over tired, hungry children by us eating any later. We had lunch at 12.

We walk passed the restaurant to see that there are plenty of tables so actually there was no need to book.

Without saying anything, DH orders DCs slush puppies at 6.20 pm in the bar area, along with a beer for himself and a drink for me. Clearly having no intention of us going for dinner at 6.30pm like he agreed to.

I say at 6.30, "right, time to go to dinner" and he predictably says "we've just ordered drinks." This wasn't agreed by me and goes against what we said was happening.

He does things like this all the time, awkward, passive aggressive stuff like this when he seemingly agrees in the first instance.

I had to be adamant and play bad cop as always, rounding everyone up against their wishes, because I know that hungry, tired children is the consequence of not going for dinner.

Is their a name for this sort of oppositional, awkward behaviour?

OP posts:
Flowers500 · 26/08/2021 23:11

The only person I can see being controlling here is you? Like “we must sit to eat at my PRECISE time.” Unless your child is actually a bomb with a timer in it, who cares?

Theunamedcat · 26/08/2021 23:13

Let him have his own way let him deal with the tantrums

Seriously

LawnFever · 26/08/2021 23:13

He'll opt out of all the planning, usually say "I'm not bothered" when I ask for his input or opinion and then it comes to the actual event/situation and he will all of a sudden want to do things differently but won't communicate it.

But you equally didn’t follow through with your 6.30 dinner plan by wandering off because you’d walked past 10mins early, did it have to be precisely 6.30, what was wrong with 6.20?

username890 · 26/08/2021 23:16

@Iyawa

So we agreed that we would go for dinner at 6.30pm, I made a reservation. We are on holiday. DH agreed but I sensed reluctance. I was trying to avoid over tired, hungry children by us eating any later. We had lunch at 12.

We walk passed the restaurant to see that there are plenty of tables so actually there was no need to book.

Without saying anything, DH orders DCs slush puppies at 6.20 pm in the bar area, along with a beer for himself and a drink for me. Clearly having no intention of us going for dinner at 6.30pm like he agreed to.

I say at 6.30, "right, time to go to dinner" and he predictably says "we've just ordered drinks." This wasn't agreed by me and goes against what we said was happening.

He does things like this all the time, awkward, passive aggressive stuff like this when he seemingly agrees in the first instance.

I had to be adamant and play bad cop as always, rounding everyone up against their wishes, because I know that hungry, tired children is the consequence of not going for dinner.

Is their a name for this sort of oppositional, awkward behaviour?

Is their a name for this sort of oppositional, awkward behaviour?

Yes it's called passive aggressive and he sounds, just like you do, full of resentment and he's using the children to get at you. Has he been given a chance to decide anything or is he expected to follow your orders like the children? Sounds like he's being insubordinate.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 26/08/2021 23:24

@Ughmaybenot

I don’t really know what the issue is? As I understand it (and I may be wrong!) you’re in the restaurant where you made the reservation, just in the bar area and not the dining area? Could you not just carry your drinks to your table?
This. The kids got a pacifying drink, he got a beer and you got your schedule kept. Win Win WIn
Ionlydomassiveones · 27/08/2021 00:00

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

WhoIsPepeSilva · 27/08/2021 02:36

You said it in your opening post, he's passive aggressive. Seriously read up on it because it'll be a lightbulb moment Flowers because it's awful to live with, hard to spot and hard to describe when you're in it.

Each individual incident on it's own is seemingly small but they happen all the time and grind you down. You get accused of keeping score or being petty if you point out the pattern.

WhoIsPepeSilva · 27/08/2021 02:38

lynnenamka.com/anger-management/anger-management-articles/the-boomerang-relationship/

This is a really good article OP.

Cuddlemuffin · 27/08/2021 03:08

If the issue here is that a later dinner will be over tired miss having a melt down Is let him deal with the fallout at bedtime so he learns for next time. Sounds like a communication issue x

Pingodingo · 27/08/2021 05:18

Rozziehas it spot on OP.

I lived with this type of behaviour for years, and years. It frazzled me and ate me up, all the time trying to work out why we didn’t fit, was i imagining it etc etc. Now divorced. Even reading this thread, and people’s responses, has brought me out in a sweat!
Ps: have had relationships since, and the difference when somebody can communicate in a straight way is just immense.

Original poster
Iyawa · 27/08/2021 08:38

We went to the bar at 6pm to watch a performance prior to the meal. We said no drinks (you're allowed to do that) but DH changed his mind at 6.20 when I nipped to the loo.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 27/08/2021 08:44

Is their a name for this sort of oppositional, awkward behaviour? Immaturity.

I can't understand why some people don't just say what they mean.

Rozziie · 27/08/2021 08:46

Absolutely no doubt he did that on purpose. He purposely ordered drinks a few minutes before you needed to go for dinner, behind your back, knowing it would make you late. I'm willing to bet he never intended to finish his drink his in ten minutes either, like other posters are suggesting, because the point wasn't to get a quick drink because he was thirsty. It was to stall and make you late.

Maray1967 · 27/08/2021 08:53

Yes he did that on purpose, using you going to the loo as his opportunity. I would take him to task over this and make it clear that it’s not happening again. But my DH isn’t an idiot. When we holidayed with ours when they were small we ate early to avoid the problems of overtired kids, and then had drinks and snacks on the caravan decking/hotel room balcony etc when they were in bed. BIL & SIL shared the same view so it worked well when we holidayed together. Dinner at 6 or 6.30 and drinks later.

LawnFever · 27/08/2021 09:03

@Iyawa

We went to the bar at 6pm to watch a performance prior to the meal. We said no drinks (you're allowed to do that) but DH changed his mind at 6.20 when I nipped to the loo.
I’m assuming you’re in an all inclusive type place?

Why, when he said ‘but we’ve just ordered drinks’ didn’t you reply, ‘yeah but I’ve made the reservation for now, we can take them with us’.

Neither of you are communicating well, yes it’s annoying he ordered at that point but why are you sitting there in a mood rather than communicating back with him?

timeisnotaline · 27/08/2021 09:10

Look at what you can control- I suggest saying, very calmly ‘The time to discuss this was when I said I’d booked. I don’t want to deal with tired hungry children because you’ve suddenly decided you don’t like the plan and we will eat later, so I’m going to grab some food now and go for a walk, and you can do dinner. Ciao kiddos be good for daddy.’

IsItJustMeOrYou · 27/08/2021 09:17

Slush puppy before a meal. The particular drink was done deliberately and he calculated the effect it would have. A soft drink would be ok. His action was to say...look how great dad is and here comes your moaning mom. There is control in this relationship and it's not the op.

girlmom21 · 27/08/2021 09:18

@Iyawa

We went to the bar at 6pm to watch a performance prior to the meal. We said no drinks (you're allowed to do that) but DH changed his mind at 6.20 when I nipped to the loo.
I wouldn't expect a 2.5 year old to sit for half an hour in a bar with no drink.
THisbackwithavengeance · 27/08/2021 09:20

Hmm. In my relationship, the roles are probably reversed so I can kind of see your DH's POV.

You said "we agreed" to eat at 6.30. Does that mean that it was discussed and mutually agreed or that you decided and booked it and just told your DH that this was what was happening. Or your DH tried to put forward a counter argument for eating later and you dismissed it because you are Always Right and We Agreed.

It sounds like he didn't agree. And also the drinks thing. You may have "agreed" not to buy drinks but sounds like your DH changed his mind. Which he's allowed to do surely without being court martialled?

I'm sorry to be dismissive but my DH has form for deciding stuff, running it briefly by me without actually asking my opinion and then shutting down any deviation from plans as being Not What We Agreed.

I call it controlling.

THisbackwithavengeance · 27/08/2021 09:27

Man gets his DC a slush puppy on holiday and posters are accusing him of coercive control and abuse?

Lol.

DotDotDotDot · 27/08/2021 09:39

The labels for this type of behaviour are passive aggression, conflict avoidance and poor communication.

Someone above linked to an excellent article, which I also recommend.

girl71 · 27/08/2021 09:42

"But I think perhaps he knows that what he really wants often isn't in anyone else's best interests other than his own, so he seemingly becomes devious about it".

This is exactly it OP. My exdh was exactly like this. I could never quite put my finger in it but we always ended up working to his time frame, buying houses that he liked but made my sch run and commute longer but not his, moving to areas that suited him tsot. Little things also. He would do activities with the DC's that he enjoyed such as golf and football which the dc's hated. I would have his parents over for dinner and say for them to arrive at 2pm but, midday suited them better so he would agree that with them and not tell me , so it was a fait acompli when they arrived and nothing i could do. Went on holiday where he wanted to go and always self catering so i still did all the cooking. Always me and the DC fitting in with him as it were. After 13 yrs the DC and I had enough as it did impact our quality of life and i divorced. I spoke to him for yrs about it but nothing changed so i ended the marriage. We ( me & dc's ) are much happier now, i personally feel i have more say in my own life now, like i used to, where we choose to live , our foreign holidays and our quality of life has improved greatly. I look back now and put it down to the fact that my exdh was an only child and single until he was 35. He is just not used to compromising or putting others first for the greater good as he never had to. If you met him you would think what a great guy, works hard, family man, he was never violent or shouty. It is so subtle it took me yrs to see it. I was fortunate that i had my own property and money so when i finally saw what was happening i could get out. My children were much happier too. I wish i had left sooner!

5128gap · 27/08/2021 14:38

When you suggested the early dinner he wasn't keen, but, as you've been very clear here about why you wanted that, I'm assuming that had he voiced any objection, your response would have been to give him the reasons why it should still happen. Expressing his opposition would not have changed the plans, and he probably knows this from experience. He therefore came up with a way the plans could be changed to something he was happier with. People generally do this passive aggressive stuff when they are resentful that they are not given choice, but are too scared to argue, or have learned that arguing is pointless.

Original poster
Iyawa · 27/08/2021 15:44

Absolutely. He didn't object at all, but I just got a vibe that he wasn't happy with that. I asked him twice if the time of booking was ok as I had the app was open on my phone and he said yes.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iyawa · 27/08/2021 15:46

Or maybe he avoids making any decisions at all and I have nothing to do with that behaviour?

Before he met me, he relied on his parents to make decisions for him, into his early thirties. His group of friends make all the decisions and he merely tags along. Is it really impossible that this is his issue and not mine? There's a lot of summising going on based on a small story.

OP posts: