Having one to one drinks with the opposite sex whilst in a relationship.

[Buttercup708]

Hi all,
Just a quick question. What are your thoughts about your other half going for drinks alone with a member of the opposite sex? Whether they're a new co-worker, housemate, old friend, an old friend with benefits.

I would be seriously annoyed if DH thought it was inappropriate to go for a drink with male colleague or friend. Former FWB would be different I guess.

@Shelddd on the skinny dipping, I don’t believe nudity is inherently sexual so personally I’d have no problem e.g. getting changed in front of a friend. Like I said, I’m bi so does that mean an all-female gym changing room is a dangerous den on lust for me and any other bi/gay women? No.

I say ‘weird’ because in my circle these views would be be considered weird, outdated, sexist, controlling etc. I know this because it’s a topic that’s come up as we knew of someone whose partner didn’t like her having a male friend. It’s also a very heterosexual view - plenty of queer people are friends with exes, and also spend time one on one with the same sex.

It depends. If it is platonic then of course its fine. If it isn't platonic then absolutely not.

@gannett

It's cool you are that open but what's your definition of the word weird? To me weird is something atypical... if something is the majority opinion and most practiced social norm.. how do you call it weird? I don't know.

To me "weird" means "illogical", not atypical. There's no real rationale to have an issue with one-to-one socialising, in my head.

Couldn't give a hoot about whether it's a social norm or not. Sticking to majority opinion and the "normal" way of doing things is how conservative and often bigoted thinking thrives.

Agree with this - also, in my experience, it isn’t the prevailing social norm. Pretty much everyone I know, including my ageing parents, think opposite sex friendships are fine

No problem.

Two considerations.

Timing and history of the friendship is absolutely crucial. Meeting up with an old school friend should be absolutely fine. However, we have all seen countless times what happens when a DP/DH is befriending a new junior colleague or beginner at their hobby group…

Secondly, are the couple in question spending enough time together? Is there emotional intimacy and good quality time? Because if my husband never arranged little lunches or coffees with me, I would not be happy with them being a core part of the week for him and another woman. This is particularly telling when the woman in the relationship has to keep up the social calendar and organises all date nights and the man doesn’t sort anything….but can order niche concert tickets or book a table for his friend/emotional affair waiting to happen.

@CampaignToo

Look, just because you got pissed and shagged your friend doesn’t mean the rest of us are going to.

I never shagged him, but the whole thing did break my heart and ruin my marriage. We didn't sleep together, which is how we managed to convince ourselves we were just friends for so long.

I’m very sorry to hear that @CampaignToo. Until it’s happened to you it’s hard to comprehend HOW it can happen.

I did similar to you. It was a new friend and began utterly innocuously. (I actually got roasted on here a while back, a lot of “come on, you knew what you were doing” posts, which just wasn’t the case).

The bewildering thing to me was how it crept up on me - and then escalated quickly. The fallout in my actual relationship was very real. My thoughts were utterly turned and it took work to get back into my relationship. I salvaged it.

I also “did nothing” with OM, but mentally I’d run away with him. Time spent with him felt special (seems daft now).

I’ve never done that before, or since so in regard to the OPs q, there just isn’t a right and wrong answer.

But your post - it clicked with me. I was a bit broken when I had to come away from it all.

@user1493423934. Thanks for your endorsement of my post. I used to be a very cool girl , even as far as roomshares on business trips to keep costs down etc. Now in my Late 50s and life experience (both myself and friends) has taught me that many if not most affairs actually start off with good friendships and one person being a bit vulnerable at certain times. That’s not to say that there can’t be great platonic friendships, of course there can , but if it starts getting remotely secretive in any way or they seem desparate to meet up with this person and partner never included or a ton of texting is going on and never mentioned - folks just need to be aware that many ‘relationships ‘ like this can build in broad daylight and because they are friends their partner isn’t suspicious. I know 2 couples whose relationships and families were decimated by the ‘just good friends’ thing when it was clearly more than that , so I am naturally somewhat sceptical in certain instances. It isn’t always just a matter of trust, I’m pretty sure many ladies on here 100% trusted their H/partner - until they didn’t . I don’t however think anyone can control anyone else by stopping certain things, just be aware of it and always put yourself in a position of being able to look after yourself and any children if at all possible.

@Crikeyalmighty
Once again you speak very wisely. Of course it is fine to have platonic male/female friends who you meet up with. But, if one (or both) party is in a vulnerable position, and there is an element of lying, sneakiness and excessive texting etc - THAT is when the friendship totally crosses the line.

@Crikeyalmighty

I agree with *@KimDeals and @CampaignToo* — it’s all ok , until it’s suddenly not ok— and sometimes all it takes is someone going through a vulnerable point in life and someone who you know well, get on with and is not unattractive. Not every affair starts with deliberate intention to deceive , it can easily start with a laugh and a coffee over a lunch. However on the other side of things, it’s not healthy to deny someone friends of the opposite sex , I think you just have to be aware of the fact that innocent good friendships can sometimes stray into unhealthy territory

That’s it exactly Crikey! - “not every affair starts with the deliberate intention to deceive” - amen.

I’ve probably been on the receiving end of a few friendships when they’ve wondered if there is something between us when friendship goes to ‘genuine caring’ territory, it tends to crop up but because I wasn’t feeling it and saw it as truly platonic it was so easy to sidestep and the friendships carried on into really true friendships.

However on one occasion I found myself thinking about this OM and really enjoying his company and before I knew it, “something” was going on. Circumstance played a big role and put us into as you say ‘unhealthy territory’. Having fun in an otherwise miserable time in your life, feeling heard, having lighthearted conversations (a biggie for me)… before you know it..

Just totally totally agree with your post!

I agree completely that if there’s any element of lying or secrecy or that you actually have romantic feelings for someone else other than your partner that that’s a problem - I don’t think anyone would disagree with that! What I don’t agree with is that the way to stop this is to ban platonic friends of the opposite sex (or same sex if you’re gay, or everyone if you’re bi). I don’t agree that close friendships will inevitably lead to more - I’m not sure how some people experience friendships, but for me, I share very deep personal things with my friends and definitely have ‘feelings’ for them, not romantic ones, but deep, rich and important feelings nonetheless. I don’t think love or an emotional connection is only reserved for romantic partners, it comes in all shapes and forms.

@TedMullins

I agree completely that if there’s any element of lying or secrecy or that you actually have romantic feelings for someone else other than your partner that that’s a problem - I don’t think anyone would disagree with that! What I don’t agree with is that the way to stop this is to ban platonic friends of the opposite sex (or same sex if you’re gay, or everyone if you’re bi). I don’t agree that close friendships will inevitably lead to more - I’m not sure how some people experience friendships, but for me, I share very deep personal things with my friends and definitely have ‘feelings’ for them, not romantic ones, but deep, rich and important feelings nonetheless. I don’t think love or an emotional connection is only reserved for romantic partners, it comes in all shapes and forms.

Agree.

I also find it very strange how it’s often said to be ok if the other person is married ie ‘safe’ and/or known to their partner - so single people can’t make friends with coupled up people and coupled up people can’t make friendships independently of their partner

These damn single people, waving their boobies and willies at us, tempting us!!!

Well if they're flatmates, going out for a drink doesn't really make any difference??

And no, I don't think it's weird to go for a drink with someone of the opposite sex.

I've been out for drinks with opp sex 121 when both single and no interest on either side. But if I felt they were attracted to me then I would probably avoid.

I often have beers with male colleagues after work. Doesn't mean I'm going to shag them over the bar.

What wrong with that, I went out for a pint with my old boss last week, caught up on the gossip, men and women can be friends!

This is one of those threads where I think I live in a different universe to the rest of MN.
I don’t know any woman who has male friends that they go out with in a one to one unless he is gay or trying to get in her pants.

Yes friends meet up in a group with other friends and their partners but never alone.

@Fairyliz

This is one of those threads where I think I live in a different universe to the rest of MN. I don’t know any woman who has male friends that they go out with in a one to one unless he is gay or trying to get in her pants.

Yes friends meet up in a group with other friends and their partners but never alone.

Well, that sounds Saudi Arabian to me.

Well it probably depends on the sex of the 'opposites'.
If it were the Queen or the Pope I wouldn't mind but I'd feel that a 'selfie' with the other party would be appropriate. (just to prove it...)

@TedMullins

Also this weird thing about ‘once you start emotionally relying on them it’s an emotional affair’… isn’t that what friends are for, to share your emotions and problems with? Or do some people think once you’re in a relationship you’re only permitted to talk about the weather with anyone of the opposite sex?!

I don't think people literally mean once you start emotionally relying on them that it's an emotional affair. I think the emotionally relying on them is starting to edge over the line into the slippery slope that could descend into an affair. It's the sharing, the bonding, the emotional vulnerability that can lead to too much closeness. Obviously you can have this in a platonic relationship too - but it is the building blocks for an affair especially between people who weren't necessarily actively looking to cheat.

I saw a group of people the other day at the supermarket. We live in a rural holiday hotspot and this group were clearly stocking up on food for a holiday let. What I found odd was this group, about 6 or 7 people, were mixed sex, all clearly friends, maybe one couple. And this idea to me seemed so 20s i.e. something I would have done in my twenties but would never, ever do now in my 40s. And why I asked myself. How unjust for the sexes to separate like this. But it's true that they do. Couples, marriage, kids, different interests (obviously this is a generalisation and not everyone will fall easily into what I'm describing) all these things and more separate us and I do feel sad I've missed out on half the population but it is an incontrovertible truth that finding true deep friendship across the sexes is very hard. I guess it's old biology at play. But I would have argued with me in my 20s and maybe things will change when I'm 50+.

@AllWashedOut

I saw a group of people the other day at the supermarket. We live in a rural holiday hotspot and this group were clearly stocking up on food for a holiday let. What I found odd was this group, about 6 or 7 people, were mixed sex, all clearly friends, maybe one couple. And this idea to me seemed so 20s i.e. something I would have done in my twenties but would never, ever do now in my 40s. And why I asked myself. How unjust for the sexes to separate like this. But it's true that they do. Couples, marriage, kids, different interests (obviously this is a generalisation and not everyone will fall easily into what I'm describing) all these things and more separate us and I do feel sad I've missed out on half the population but it is an incontrovertible truth that finding true deep friendship across the sexes is very hard. I guess it's old biology at play. But I would have argued with me in my 20s and maybe things will change when I'm 50+.

I don’t think it’s an ‘uncontrovertible truth’ at all. I’m in my late 40s, married with a child, and have had a few close male friends all my adult life. The most recent one I made in my mid-40s. Others date from my student days. I don’t feel marriage and children changed any of us fundamentally.

@Fairyliz

This is one of those threads where I think I live in a different universe to the rest of MN. I don’t know any woman who has male friends that they go out with in a one to one unless he is gay or trying to get in her pants.

Yes friends meet up in a group with other friends and their partners but never alone.

I must live in a different universe to you then, because I don’t know any woman who doesn’t or wouldn’t do that. It’s completely normal in my world.

I wonder if men overstep the mark more than women do.

Unless we're in consistently perfect relationships all the time, we all need someone, other than one's partner to blether to from time to time, sometimes about them. It's more difficult for men to have those conversations with other men because men aren't as socialised to have them. So they end up having them with women friends instead, which can create a risk. Just a thought.

@Fairyliz

This is one of those threads where I think I live in a different universe to the rest of MN. I don’t know any woman who has male friends that they go out with in a one to one unless he is gay or trying to get in her pants.

Yes friends meet up in a group with other friends and their partners but never alone.

I find this bizarrely old fashioned. I have male friends, my partner has female friends, we go out alone with them for lunch / drinks /gigs/whatever same as we do our same sec friends… if I wanted to be unfaithful I could arrange that in secret, I wouldn’t be going out to the theatre with my secret shag.

An ex once told me being friends with people of the opposite sex was ‘very middle class’, I have no idea if there is truth in that.

@Mushtullo

I don't think it's Saudi Arabian... It's the cultural norm for people in USA and Canada as well not to socialize (especially with alcohol) one on one with members of opposite sex when they're married...

Of course attitudes around alcohol are quite different in north america vs europe.