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Original poster

Having one to one drinks with the opposite sex whilst in a relationship.

105 replies

Buttercup708 · 26/08/2021 18:38

Hi all,
Just a quick question. What are your thoughts about your other half going for drinks alone with a member of the opposite sex? Whether they're a new co-worker, housemate, old friend, an old friend with benefits.

OP posts:
DiscordandRhyme · 26/08/2021 23:00

I'd have no issue with it unless said female was making my husband feel uncomfortable.

I assume DH wouldn't mind. I have always had many male friends including before we got together and as he started dating me so he knows the score.

Does this happen often?

Nope once or twice in ten years.

Livingmybestlifenow · 26/08/2021 23:01

@youvegottenminuteslynn
I was wondering this too…DP is bisexual, when am I supposed to worry?! (Happily never because I trust them but it could be a real dilemma)

Horriblewoman · 26/08/2021 23:09

You're OH went for some drinks with his HOUSEMATE and people wouldn't be happy with it?!

What's he supposed to do while they're living together? Never be alone in the same room?

I baffled by the women who feel men and women can't be friends. Half my best friends are men. We've managed 20 years of friendship without shagging each other.

AlternativePerspective · 26/08/2021 23:14

Genuine question: Given so many people are uncomfortable with the idea that men and women can be friends, does this mean that, in your eyes, people who are bisexual can’t have any friends at all because any interaction could lead to something inappropriate?

I have mostly male friends. One in particular I’ve known since I was a child, to the extent we went to the same school, then I went abroad, and came back when we were both adults and became friends. We meet up a few times a year. When we lived in the same town we would go to lunch fairly regularly, now that I don’t live locally to him he comes up here a few times a year to visit me.For a while I had a serious illness so couldn’t travel to see him so he came here.

When I was in hospital 2 years ago he came to see me when I was in ICU, which is not a place for the faint-hearted, and I would say that anyone who isn’t family who can bring themselves to go there is clearly a decent human being.

My eXH never met him and neither has my DP. Not because he’s a secret but because DP doesn’t live with me so whenever we meet up it’s when DP isn’t here as it happens during the week. And similarly eXH used to be at work and I was a SAHM.

It has never crossed my mind that anything would ever happen between us.

If DP started taking issue with me meeting up with him it would cause issues between us.

ClemDanFango · 26/08/2021 23:17

Wouldn’t bother me. If my DH is going to cheat he’s going to cheat. Me stopping him going for drinks with a female friend won’t change that if he’s of a mind to cheat he’d do it any way he could.

purplebatbear · 26/08/2021 23:19

Most of my best friends are men so I do this a fair bit. Not an issue.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/08/2021 23:22

[quote Livingmybestlifenow]@youvegottenminuteslynn
I was wondering this too…DP is bisexual, when am I supposed to worry?! (Happily never because I trust them but it could be a real dilemma)[/quote]
Warning: Someone will be along soon to tell you your DH must be gay but in denial!

Shelddd · 26/08/2021 23:27

Neither of us do it, but we are both not British as well. I feel like going for a drink here is as common as going for a coffee in other parts of the world. I think we would both go for coffees 1 on 1 with opposite gender but it just doesn't really happen anyway as most social interactions tend to be groups or couples.

Going out for a drink really does mean a date where we both come from.

gannett · 26/08/2021 23:29

Done all the above, DP's done all the above, pretty much everyone I know has done all the above. Weird to consider it a thing.

Couldn't date anyone who had any issue with me having one-to-one drinks (or ANY form of socialising) with whoever I pleased.

Don't think I could even stand to be in a social group if all my friends are saying they'd have a problem with it. I'd think, why am I hanging out with people who have such weird issues about gender and trust.

backinthebox · 26/08/2021 23:33

I work in an environment where 95% of my colleagues are male. My job necessitates staying away in hotels, and it is commonplace for colleagues to meet up for dinner and drinks. If I were to wait until one of my female colleagues were present I could be waiting a very long time! It’s never crossed my mind that it would be unacceptable to meet up with a colleague, and I hope that my colleagues’ partners do not automatically assume I am a danger of any sort to their relationship. My enjoyment of my job would be seriously dampened if I were not able to socialise with my colleagues, in an entirely professional and platonic way!

Rainbowshit · 26/08/2021 23:40

It depends.

In several decades of marriage I have had absolutely no issue. Until I found the picture of a kiss.

Mantlemoose · 26/08/2021 23:42

[quote Buttercup708]@Mushtullo
You're complete right, some people class drinks as date territory.
Or is it because alcohol can lead a person to act without fully thinking things through?[/quote]
I think it would depend on the person themself, irrespective of the 'relationship'.

I totally disagree about your alcohol comment though - that's just an excuse .

VienneseWhirligig · 26/08/2021 23:47

I used to go for drinks with male colleagues a lot - one in particular who is a fellow union rep, we would go to the pub and discuss union business over a pint. DH was fine with it, he knew my friends and knew that there was no threat. I don't think I would have minded him doing likewise, but the situation never occurred.

TedMullins · 27/08/2021 00:03

Fine and completely normal. I’ve only ever known one person in real life who had weird ideas about male/female friendships, a guy I was dating who got controlling over me going for drinks after work with my male colleagues. I dumped him.

My friends aren’t all in one big group so most of them I meet one to one, I’m bisexual and some of them are too, and we manage not to shag Confused I have a male friend I’ve known a very long time and been on holiday with and even went skinny dipping (some will argue this was a sexual activity, it wasn’t, it was us drunk and having a laugh) and again, we didn’t even come close to shagging. Never entered our heads. My neighbour is a lesbian and she and I spend time alone with each other having a drink and a chat in each other’s flats, again, no sex!

I’ve actually never met anyone apart from the guy I dumped who has these Mike pence-like ideas about men and women being friends. If someone’s going to cheat, they’ll find a way to cheat - controlling their social lives won’t stop them, and I’m sure even cheaters have platonic friendships with some people of the opposite sex!

TedMullins · 27/08/2021 00:04

@gannett

Done all the above, DP's done all the above, pretty much everyone I know has done all the above. Weird to consider it a thing.

Couldn't date anyone who had any issue with me having one-to-one drinks (or ANY form of socialising) with whoever I pleased.

Don't think I could even stand to be in a social group if all my friends are saying they'd have a problem with it. I'd think, why am I hanging out with people who have such weird issues about gender and trust.

Agree. Anyone who had such beliefs is unlikely to be someone I’d meet or be friends with.
TedMullins · 27/08/2021 00:06

Also this weird thing about ‘once you start emotionally relying on them it’s an emotional affair’… isn’t that what friends are for, to share your emotions and problems with? Or do some people think once you’re in a relationship you’re only permitted to talk about the weather with anyone of the opposite sex?!

RantyAunty · 27/08/2021 00:17

This question seems to get asked here every other week.

Usually it's the man who has some sort of interest/attraction even though he may never say it.

Miliao · 27/08/2021 00:25

You’re basically saying ‘my partner is going to cheat, so by denying them the opportunity to do so means all is going to be ok’. If I thought my partner was going to cheat on me because they met up with someone for a drink, then there is no trust in the relationship, and therefore no relationship. Also, if someone wants to cheat on you, they will, whether you’re happy about them going for a drink or not.
You’re friends sound bonkers, especially as your partner will be living with this person. I honestly can’t believe they are that dim to be worried about going out for a drink when they could be staying home with a drink day in day out. Therefore I think think this a wind up.

Judystilldreamsofhorses · 27/08/2021 00:42

I have two male friends I meet up with regularly, usually for lunch but sometimes drinks. One is gay, the other is a retired colleague. My DP meets up with a female friend from uni, but usually with her husband who was also at uni with them - sometimes I meet them too.

Shelddd · 27/08/2021 03:34

@TedMullins

Fine and completely normal. I’ve only ever known one person in real life who had weird ideas about male/female friendships, a guy I was dating who got controlling over me going for drinks after work with my male colleagues. I dumped him.

My friends aren’t all in one big group so most of them I meet one to one, I’m bisexual and some of them are too, and we manage not to shag Confused I have a male friend I’ve known a very long time and been on holiday with and even went skinny dipping (some will argue this was a sexual activity, it wasn’t, it was us drunk and having a laugh) and again, we didn’t even come close to shagging. Never entered our heads. My neighbour is a lesbian and she and I spend time alone with each other having a drink and a chat in each other’s flats, again, no sex!

I’ve actually never met anyone apart from the guy I dumped who has these Mike pence-like ideas about men and women being friends. If someone’s going to cheat, they’ll find a way to cheat - controlling their social lives won’t stop them, and I’m sure even cheaters have platonic friendships with some people of the opposite sex!

Interesting perspective that you think the weird ones are people who would have a problem with their spouse/partner skinny dipping with opposite sex friend.

It's cool you are that open but what's your definition of the word weird? To me weird is something atypical... if something is the majority opinion and most practiced social norm.. how do you call it weird? I don't know.

Crikeycroc · 27/08/2021 04:47

No. I wouldn’t do it. It’s normal to develop crushes on other people even when you’re in a committed relationship. I wouldn’t want to risk anything happening and I think it’s naive to say you should just trust one another.

Callixte · 27/08/2021 05:02

It wouldn't bother me in general (although of course it might do if there's a recent history of the friend/contact being disrepectful or lacking boundaries - but that could happen with a friend of any sex). I do feel strongly that the assumption in some circles that men and women can't interact without there being a strong and overriding sexual/romantic element to the relationship disadvantages women socially, culturally, and economically.

user1493423934 · 27/08/2021 05:02

agree with @KimDeals and @CampaignToo — it’s all ok , until it’s suddenly not ok— and sometimes all it takes is someone going through a vulnerable point in life and someone who you know well, get on with and is not unattractive. Not every affair starts with deliberate intention to deceive , it can easily start with a laugh and a coffee over a lunch. However on the other side of things, it’s not healthy to deny someone friends of the opposite sex , I think you just have to be aware of the fact that innocent good friendships can sometimes stray into unhealthy territory
^ This with bells on!

gannett · 27/08/2021 06:17

It's cool you are that open but what's your definition of the word weird? To me weird is something atypical... if something is the majority opinion and most practiced social norm.. how do you call it weird? I don't know.

To me "weird" means "illogical", not atypical. There's no real rationale to have an issue with one-to-one socialising, in my head.

Couldn't give a hoot about whether it's a social norm or not. Sticking to majority opinion and the "normal" way of doing things is how conservative and often bigoted thinking thrives.

gannett · 27/08/2021 06:20

Also, whether you find a platonic friend attractive or not has nothing to do with anything? The nature of attraction is that yes, I can tell which male and female friends are good-looking. I have my opinions on that, as does DP, as I'm sure do they. It has nothing to do with whether I want to sleep with them. Acknowledging that someone has a nice face or good body is natural, acting on it is a choice - one that people of integrity don't make if they're in a monogamous relationship.