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Original poster

Having one to one drinks with the opposite sex whilst in a relationship.

105 replies

Buttercup708 · 26/08/2021 18:38

Hi all,
Just a quick question. What are your thoughts about your other half going for drinks alone with a member of the opposite sex? Whether they're a new co-worker, housemate, old friend, an old friend with benefits.

OP posts:
Peace43 · 26/08/2021 20:35

I have had 1:1 drinks with old friends / work colleagues who are male. My boyfriend has had drinks with women 1:1 who are friends. Neither of us have an issue with it. I’d see it as normal. I wouldn’t dream of cheating on him and I believe he feels the same for me.

FatAnkles · 26/08/2021 20:47

2/3 of my colleagues are male, so going out for drinks with males is very common. DH doesn't bat an eyelid.

Original poster
Buttercup708 · 26/08/2021 20:47

It differs considerably for each person. Ultimately, it looks like it comes down to each couple and what they're comfortable and happy with.

Trust is the key though, so would it make it harder for example if one party had trust issues due to their past, or would that be projecting onto their OH?

Also, transparency plays a part, when it secrets and lies comes in, it would arouse suspicion.

OP posts:
Ohdoleavemealone · 26/08/2021 20:58

Established friend/colleague I would be fine with. New colleague and they go out for drinks 3 weeks in and I would be dubious.

Miseryl · 26/08/2021 21:01

No I wouldn't do it and I would be happy with DP doing it. I realise other people have different expectations though so it depends what works in your relationship.

CampaignToo · 26/08/2021 21:26

I wish you all luck and maybe it's something you have to learn the hard way, but my colleague and I were trusted and there was no reason for anyone to worry. We weren't worried, we would have both said we weren't "the type" and looking back it's as if it was different people.

As I said, one of the reasons we became friends was because he was a decent family man and it felt safe to spend time with him, compared to some of our other colleagues. I would have trusted him never to cheat on his wife and I'd have trusted me never to cheat, I didn't think it was the remotest possibility that I would ever consider it. I imagine our spouses felt the same.

To begin with it was fine, we were just friends and I definitely didn't find him remotely attractive. He was a happily married man and I was happy at home too. However, a high stress workplace, slightly too much alcohol and meeting intimately to share our troubles on a regular basis soon changed that. The more emotionally reliant on each other we became the more attractive he became.

Looking back, if we'd stayed with the occasional lunch/coffee and included our families in bigger/longer social things we could all have been good friends. It was the mix of alcohol and long evenings out after work, plus always meeting 1:1, that ruined us.

CampaignToo · 26/08/2021 21:27

Oh and we never had secrets. DH always knew where I was and who I was with. There was no need to lie, I was just out with a friend..

lastqueenofscotland · 26/08/2021 21:36

My DPs best friend is a girl. They’ve known each other from school I think if they were going to jump each other’s bones they would have by now. I’ve no issue with it, she’s not my favourite human being on the planet so I’m more than happy not to join them!

I have a few very good male friends. I frequently pop for one with them. I’d be pretty hacked off if DP took issue with it.

Crikeyalmighty · 26/08/2021 21:37

I agree with @KimDeals and @CampaignToo — it’s all ok , until it’s suddenly not ok— and sometimes all it takes is someone going through a vulnerable point in life and someone who you know well, get on with and is not unattractive. Not every affair starts with deliberate intention to deceive , it can easily start with a laugh and a coffee over a lunch. However on the other side of things, it’s not healthy to deny someone friends of the opposite sex , I think you just have to be aware of the fact that innocent good friendships can sometimes stray into unhealthy territory

Mushtullo · 26/08/2021 21:41

@CampaignToo

I wish you all luck and maybe it's something you have to learn the hard way, but my colleague and I were trusted and there was no reason for anyone to worry. We weren't worried, we would have both said we weren't "the type" and looking back it's as if it was different people.

As I said, one of the reasons we became friends was because he was a decent family man and it felt safe to spend time with him, compared to some of our other colleagues. I would have trusted him never to cheat on his wife and I'd have trusted me never to cheat, I didn't think it was the remotest possibility that I would ever consider it. I imagine our spouses felt the same.

To begin with it was fine, we were just friends and I definitely didn't find him remotely attractive. He was a happily married man and I was happy at home too. However, a high stress workplace, slightly too much alcohol and meeting intimately to share our troubles on a regular basis soon changed that. The more emotionally reliant on each other we became the more attractive he became.

Looking back, if we'd stayed with the occasional lunch/coffee and included our families in bigger/longer social things we could all have been good friends. It was the mix of alcohol and long evenings out after work, plus always meeting 1:1, that ruined us.

Look, just because you got pissed and shagged your friend doesn’t mean the rest of us are going to.
CampaignToo · 26/08/2021 21:43

Look, just because you got pissed and shagged your friend doesn’t mean the rest of us are going to.

I never shagged him, but the whole thing did break my heart and ruin my marriage. We didn't sleep together, which is how we managed to convince ourselves we were just friends for so long.

stevalnamechanger · 26/08/2021 21:52

So weird that people care about these things . It's totally acceptable to have friends of the opposite gender jeez!

Mushtullo · 26/08/2021 21:57

@CampaignToo

Look, just because you got pissed and shagged your friend doesn’t mean the rest of us are going to.

I never shagged him, but the whole thing did break my heart and ruin my marriage. We didn't sleep together, which is how we managed to convince ourselves we were just friends for so long.

Sorry, I didn’t mean to sound hostile. I’m sorry that happened to you, But I don’t think it’s any more inevitable in male-female friendships than in any other situations in which men and women mix socially. I’ve had close male friends since my student days, and there’s never been anything untoward.
overwork · 26/08/2021 21:58

I don't think it is okay to project your trust issues into your partner. But then that's easy for me to say because I don't have any. I'd hate to not be able to trust him. My partner is currently out having dinner and I would guess drinks, with another woman. They've been friends since uni and used to live together, I'm pretty sure if they were into each other it would have happened by now. I've actually never met her, but I'm happy to leave them to it.

CampaignToo · 26/08/2021 21:59

I agree FWIW that male/female friendships are perfectly possible and reasonable. However, a friend who you only ever see alone, never include in family events, never meet up with other friends and rely on emotionally, is risky IMO.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/08/2021 22:04

I always wonder what I'm meant to do as I'm bisexual! Am I allowed to have a drink with a new friend if they're straight but not if they are also bisexual or a lesbian?

Nobody anti 1-1 drinks between men and women ever answers this but I always feel the need to ask out of curiosity!

Bluntness100 · 26/08/2021 22:04

Not one to one drinks! 😂

Um if you can’t permit your partner to have a social life with Anyone of the opposite sex then you shouldn’t be in the relationship. Either you’re massively insecure jealous and controlling or they are untrustworthy and a cheat.

CampaignToo · 26/08/2021 22:17

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I always wonder what I'm meant to do as I'm bisexual! Am I allowed to have a drink with a new friend if they're straight but not if they are also bisexual or a lesbian?

Nobody anti 1-1 drinks between men and women ever answers this but I always feel the need to ask out of curiosity!

I think 1 2 1 drinks are fine with someone you'd also meet in a group with other friends or with your partner. It's when it's always 1 2 1 drinks it can become an issue.
BaringasMare · 26/08/2021 22:20

Doesn’t bother me at all and I would not take it well if my husband had an issue with me doing the same. Not least because I’m bisexual, so I’d literally never be able to see a friend if he thought my fidelity depended on him controlling my behaviour.

Rogue1001 · 26/08/2021 22:27

Why are you asking, op?

Surewhynot · 26/08/2021 22:32

It doesn’t bother me. I regularly had drinks nights out with men I worked with and male friends. DH has done similar with female friends and colleagues.

I also had 1-2-1 drinks regularly with one particular male colleague. There was nothing in it at all, we just happened to get on and have similar interests. DH always knew because I’d text him saying I was going for a drink with x.

Surewhynot · 26/08/2021 22:36

I know in MN World, a male and female colleague going out for a drink or dinner on their own must be an affair but I can assure you it isn’t automatically the case.

I’ve had drinks and dinner on my own with male colleagues and not only have we not been having an affair, we’ve managed to not flirt, snog or have sex.

myrtlehuckingfuge · 26/08/2021 22:49

Having worked in a hugely opposite sex loaded (with boozing culture) workplace it either boils down to:

  1. You don't trust them;
  2. You don't trust yourself or;
  3. You don't trust the person they are with, in that case, see item 1.
Yes, if it is is in secret, there's more going on behind the scenes in personal messages you are entitled to 1. If you have baggage of a certain type it might be a case of 2. Believe it or not, women and men can socialise.
Original poster
Buttercup708 · 26/08/2021 22:52

@Rogue1001

My OH has a new room mate, so they went for drinks to get to know one another. He told me when he got back from being out that it was just the two of them. Anyway, it came up in conversation when I was with some friends and they all said they wouldn't be happy about it. So it had me interested what other people opinions are on it.

I will add that I do have trust issues, from my exH. He had multiple affairs. I was hoping that I wasn't being naive again Confused

OP posts:
wonderstuff · 26/08/2021 22:58

I'm not terribly keen, but I do trust dh completely so accept it's my issue not his and let him crack on. I used to see male friends, but as they've got into long term relationships I've found that we only socialise in couples and even then the dynamic is that I'm talking to their partner more than them, since kids my relationships have become very gendered.

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