Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Will social services take her children away?

105 replies

Breastfeedingworries · 25/08/2021 23:15

Hi okay going to keep this as brief as I can because I need some sleep and rest. It’s been an emotional day. Will try and keep vague as I can without much details as don’t want to give situation away. Promise it isn’t myself or a reverse or whatever.

This is reguarding a new friend of mine I haven’t known long.

She was told she couldn’t see an ex (abusive, both of them to each other but she had been in two previous abusive relationships and I do believe in those cases she was the victim) she has two young children, 2,4 both of their dads were abusive.

Anyway she was told she had to tell them when/if she wanted to get back with ex or see him. (He isn’t the father of either child) She did tell them they were planning to get back together. Social services then said okay they would need to do a review and investigation. She naïvely took what they said as permission to go ahead. So she took her children to stay with him.

Things escalated badly, which ended with her fleeing with the children. (Will try and add more detail here as the thread goes on, just wanting to make sure I’m not too outing)
He’s now actually reported her.
She’s got a meeting tomorrow and me and a friend are going to support her.

I just want to get an idea of what could happen to prepare her for the worst. I really want to be a good friend, frankly I never thought I’d be in this situation to ask. Mumsnet is a wonderful place for advice.

OP posts:
NowEvenBetter · 26/08/2021 13:00

@ManifestDestinee

We differ as parents, but from everything I’ve seen she’s warm and loving

Apart from the fact that she repeatedly exposes them to extreme violence? And puts her own desire to be in a couple above the needs of her children?
The 4 year old is now on the THIRD abusive father/father figure. Frankly, SS should remove the children, as soon as possible.

This. Poor kids need better than being made to live with/witness abuse and a string of abusive lovers. Disgraceful behaviour.
Cissyandflora · 26/08/2021 13:19

@MsJinks

Nearly everyone loves their children, even those who do more than make unconsidered choices, and it’s heartbreaking for them to lose their children nearly every single time, and I do think actually more support/recognition of that is needed, especially when some will just have one after another to replace and satisfy our most primitive urge of holding our baby. But that doesn’t mean we can all do a ‘good enough’ job of raising them.

Love really isn’t always enough.

This is very true. I’ve seen it many times.

Children don’t belong to their parents like possessions. They deserve more. The four year old in this case is already witness to three violent male father figures. Plus who knows what else. Foster care would be less traumatic. Parents who can’t put their children’s welfare before their own needs have to stop kidding themselves that the children would suffer in care. For many it would be far better to be removed.

FatCatThinCat · 26/08/2021 14:10

Her believing that social services gave her permission won't cut the mustard. What she's then saying is that she can't make the right decisions around her kids and needs someone else to make that decision for her. Any decent parent would protect their child from violence irrespective of what social services say.

RoseAndRose · 26/08/2021 14:13

If the op is handholding through cp procedures, then she is hardly a random

But she is a brand new acquaintance, who won't know the full picture, and who will have little idea of what she could be getting in to.

Claypotkitchentable · 26/08/2021 14:57

@Bluntness100

Why have you reported and asked it to be removed? The op has specially stated she doesn’t wish it removed until later and is asking for help?
Because she shouldn’t be discussing a confidential meeting with ransoms on the internet. It’s completely inappropriate. Those meetings have confidentiality statements at the beginning of them.
Claypotkitchentable · 26/08/2021 14:58

@RoseAndRose

If the op is handholding through cp procedures, then she is hardly a random

But she is a brand new acquaintance, who won't know the full picture, and who will have little idea of what she could be getting in to.

No but we are all randoms though aren’t we.
Haywirecity · 26/08/2021 15:09

She puts her children in the middle of an abusive relationship in which she equally abuses her partner. Its not clear if any of these three partners were abusive to her children directly, but if any of those three men and indeed op's friend can abuse adults, they can easily turn on their children.
Op, don't make any commitments to anyone. It's easy to get dragged in thinking you're doing it for the best, but honestly, things are rarely as clear cut as you think.

KimDeals · 26/08/2021 15:15

What a difficult position for you also OP. I hope today is ok for you to absorb.

Bluntness100 · 26/08/2021 15:39

she shouldn’t be discussing a confidential meeting with ransoms on the internet. It’s completely inappropriate. Those meetings have confidentiality statements at the beginning of them

Wow, really?

Bluntness100 · 26/08/2021 15:39

She’s not even been to the meeting yet.

Claypotkitchentable · 26/08/2021 17:19

@Bluntness100

She’s not even been to the meeting yet.
Yes and she’s already planning on reporting back on here. Totally inappropriate.
baileys6904 · 26/08/2021 17:42

So wheres she meant to get help and impartial advice from? The emphasis being on impartial...

CutePanda · 26/08/2021 17:45

@Claypotkitchentable OP has not mentioned any names or provided any information that could identify the woman and her DC. Unfortunately, there are loads of DC living in abusive homes, neglected by their parents who prioritise their series of partners.

Boredmotherofone · 26/08/2021 18:56

@Breastfeedingworries

I will after today, but the meeting is later.
Are you ok OP? @Breastfeedingworries
AgentJohnson · 26/08/2021 19:47

When she talks about her situation, she is leaving out all the parts that incriminate her.

She doesn’t see the dangers of her behaviour and the impact that her poor decision making has on her kids. Hopefully, SS will insist on DV counselling and the threat to remove her kids will be the catalyst to her own her behaviour.

Original poster
Breastfeedingworries · 26/08/2021 20:05

Hi all, appreciate we all get invested and I didn’t want to not come back. This is Anonymous and I will have it removed but I said I would say what had happened.

It’s a section 47, it was very Distressing, I don’t want to give a lot of detail. We hand held and supported and heard things we didn’t know before. It’s going to the next stage. I’m going to pour myself a wine and sit and escape with repeats of downton abbey, it’s been a hard day for everyone involved.

OP posts:
Emmelina · 26/08/2021 20:08

Unfortunately unless she sees how damaging continuing in relationship of any kind with her ex is, she will lose them. There’s another post from a pregnant young woman on here today where she is unable to see what others do in that her partner is a big risk.

MsJinks · 26/08/2021 20:12

Thank you for dropping back in OP. I know there are fb and other forums/internet groups that support folk in these situations- though advise to choose a normal sounding one!
You’ve been so kind to your new friend - enjoy your wine and switch off - very draining providing such support.

Starlightstarbright1 · 26/08/2021 20:55

Op... i saw a child taken into care when i was i a refuge.. it was really distressing.

I am not the slightest bit surprised you learnt thinggs you didn't know.

Do take care of yourself .. Assuming you do have children- hug thrm a little tighter and enjoy your wine.

Divebar2021 · 26/08/2021 21:45

It’s an interesting lesson OP about how selective people can be with the truth isn’t it?

Original poster
Breastfeedingworries · 26/08/2021 23:08

Yes, well in fairness I knew her previous ex was the father to her son and that he’d been abusive. She’d struggled leaving him and had a section 47 before which I hadn’t known.the social worker made it clear she’d made the same promises before and broke them. Me and my other friend agreed even though we care about her we’d put the children first. We made a pact we would report if we knew of her being in contact again.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/08/2021 23:25

Two children to two abusive fathers, one of whom you know she struggled to leave despite SS saying she should.

Another abusive boyfriend she has been warned is not safe but she has chosen to restart contact with despite him not even being a parent to her kids.

Do you really think you're putting her children's interests firsts by giving her the benefit of the doubt that she's changed her ways this time?

ohthatbloodycat · 26/08/2021 23:36

God almighty, why do some women even have children? I honestly can't be doing with these fannies, and how their stupid decisions affect the poor mites they've chosen to drag up in this world.

texasss · 26/08/2021 23:43

I read this article recently and it may help, not exactly the same situation as your friend but it's a good insight:

www.google.com/amp/s/www.bbc.co.uk/news/stories-54117562.amp

saraclara · 26/08/2021 23:48

@serialname

In the last 5 years she has had THREE abusive partners, been rehoused and moved. She has not been naive, she has neglected to protect her children.

The best way to support your friend is to be utterly frank with her. Sugar coating her actions as naivety will do her no favours at all.

Yep. You barely know this woman. Yet you have decided that she's fine and these relationships weren't her fault.

But sadly, one abusive partner is one thing, but three? Her judgement is clearly not good and she is repeatedly putting her children at risk.

Your view of her will count for little because you've only known her for five minutes. Please don't give her any reason for hope that hangs on what you say about her.