Mum’s Attitude to sex makes my blood boil!

PepperPepperMan · 24/08/2021 22:51

Victim blaming at it's best. You either decide to avoid these conversations with DM for the future or start LC.

Do you have children? I wouldn't want my DC being influenced at all but that's why I went NC in the first place.

EarthSight · 24/08/2021 22:56

I'm almost inclined to feel sorry for her but she's produced a daughter with confusing boundaries and clearly enabled her son to behave like a douchebag. So sad.

I don't think it's just a generational thing, although the 'boys will be boys' thing is more common in older people, as well as pandering more to men and centring them.

The only thing you can do is distance yourself from this I'm afraid and avoid conversations about it. Do you have other members of your family who aren't like this?

Pinkbonbon · 24/08/2021 22:59

I'd start sending feminist books to her house. With little postit notes on them going 'educate yourself'.
Another day, another delivery.

Seriously I'd be like 'what the fuck are you talking about'. I'd call it out big time.

That being said, I'm not sure anyone is really that whipped and ignorant due to internalised mysoginy (has she had abusive partners?)
...she may simply just lack basic human empathy.

VictoriaBun · 24/08/2021 22:59

I would argue with your mother against all those beliefs . I disagree it's an age thing .

Pastryapronsucks · 24/08/2021 23:02

My Mother is like that. I usualy just sigh and tell my Mother she is being ridiculous and its no longer the 1950's. She has lived her whole life under her beliefs so I don't even bother trying to change her.

I also remind her that she has got what she voted for when she moans about the NHS

Loveabitofrain · 24/08/2021 23:02

I know a few women like this “well if they’re not getting serviced at home......” you know half the time they are, their just attention seeking twats (sorry know he’s your brother) who are likely bored and crave attention.

Some women need to open their eyes!! Listen to both sides!

Purplewithred · 24/08/2021 23:06

How old is she? I’m in my 60s and I would be horrified if a contemporary thought this way. I think my mum would have agreed a bit about sex but not about domestic violence, although some of her contemporaries might have (she’d be over 100 now).

CagneyNYPD · 24/08/2021 23:14

I'm not convinced that it is a generational thing. My mum is in her 80s and would verbally rip your mother apart if she heard her comments.

Yes my mum has some traditional views but is more of a "live and let live" person. As are most of her friends. They were young women during te 60s and saw massive change in attitudes. Even in their solidly working class families.

So your mother holds the views that she chooses to hold rather than not knowing any better IMO. I would steer clear of such discussions with her. No good will come of them.

Christmasfairy2020 · 24/08/2021 23:16

My mum and aunt have said the words lie bk and think of England between themselves. But never done this. Dv never!

ShimmyYa · 24/08/2021 23:18

Her attitude is pretty horrific. Has she been abused by men in her life? She sounds incredibly resigned to abusive behaviour.

I don’t think it’s a generational thing. My mum is in her 70s and brought me up with strong feminist values and the belief that I should be treated respectfully and as an equal by men…or they can get to fuck.

CagneyNYPD · 24/08/2021 23:18

Agree with @Purplewithred. My nan, who would be 105 if still alive, had views akin to your mum.

stealthninjamum · 24/08/2021 23:19

I think this attitude was widespread until recently, I just googled it and unbelievably it wasn’t until 2003 that rape within marriage was a crime, until that point men were considered to have ‘conjugal rights’. I can remember my mum (aged late 70s) blaming me for ‘provoking’ my older brother into hitting me in the face once and I have heard her say that men who had affairs weren’t getting sex at home. She would very angrily describe the ow as a whore too, so it seems she’d always blame a woman if possible.

I’m low contact with her now for these and many other offensive comments.

MrsMaizel · 24/08/2021 23:20

It's not a generational thing .

NotTheGreatGatsy · 24/08/2021 23:21

@Ceriane

This may be a generational thing, and maybe I’m overreacting. My brother and his partner recently split up and it has come to light that my brother has cheated on her on several occasions with a number of women and has been regularly visiting sleazy websites. This is bad enough but when I went to see my mum today and we were talking about it, her reaction was to blame his partner, that it means he is obviously not getting it at home and so is clearly her fault. She also blames her for the fact that he has been aggressive and violent towards her on occasions saying that, she should have known when to stop goading him about the cheating. I would have brushed this off as this isn’t really anything to do with me, but when I got home I started thinking about it again as I remembered conversations she had with me as a teenager which left me with really confusing boundaries when it came to relationships and sex in my late teens and early twenties, I ended up in a really coercive relationship when I was younger and then after that had a long period of being single as I developed a real fear/aversion to men and sexual situations for a long time after that. I had been in a much healthier place mentally over the last few years but her comments just left me feeling sick. Anyone else experience similar things with their parents? Is it a generational thing?

I remember, she would say things like once you have slept with someone you can’t just pick and choose when you have sex, men have needs and will want it a lot more than you will. She also blames the woman if a man is violent “men have their limits as to how much they can take from a woman”. When I didn’t agree with her she got really angry with me and seemed to want to make me agree with her.

Wow. That's appalling. If it was me I would tell her you need a serious discussion and explain what you've said here very calmly. If she can't/ won't acknowledge the damage she has done to you and how sexist and misgynistic her attitudes are I would distance myself from her, a lot. I'd say I don't want to hear any more of this from her ever as it's so offensive, that she should keep her opinions on this to herself when you are together. If she won't do that either I would cut contact. It's absolutely unacceptable and clearly harmed you. It's not ok.

Kite22 · 24/08/2021 23:22

Well I'm not sure what generation you are talking about.
I'm mid 50s and my Mum would be in her 90s if still alive, and neither of us have ever held such views.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 24/08/2021 23:28

I still know a lot of women with these beliefs its tragic.
My mother says she can't see the point of lesbians because one of them doesn't have a penis.

fallfallfall · 24/08/2021 23:29

i would say this is more a reflection of her own coping mechanism. if not her dh maybe she formed these views based on her parents relationship.

BrokeBaroness · 24/08/2021 23:33

My mother is in her 80s and would always try to make me feel bad if I rejected a man's unwanted advances as a teen ("Oh poor X, just give him a chance"). She also tried to encourage me to get back together with an abusive man. She persuaded my sister to return to a miserable marriage too.

I recall her saying that I would command more respect as a married woman! She also boiled down the Me Too movement to be about women being jealous of better looking women . I struggle to relate to her and we are not close. I am raising my daughter with very different values.

CiaoForNiao · 24/08/2021 23:39

I just googled it and unbelievably it wasn’t until 2003 that rape within marriage was a crime, until that point men were considered to have ‘conjugal rights’.
Pretty sure rape within a marriage was made a crime in 1991/2.

My mum definitely has fucked up opinions on sex. When I finally admitted my brother had been abusing me for years she said it must have been my fault and I'd led him on .

youvegottenminuteslynn · 24/08/2021 23:41

Wow. That's appalling. If it was me I would tell her you need a serious discussion and explain what you've said here very calmly. If she can't/ won't acknowledge the damage she has done to you and how sexist and misgynistic her attitudes are I would distance myself from her, a lot. I'd say I don't want to hear any more of this from her ever as it's so offensive, that she should keep her opinions on this to herself when you are together.

This.

godmum56 · 24/08/2021 23:41

@ShimmyYa

Her attitude is pretty horrific. Has she been abused by men in her life? She sounds incredibly resigned to abusive behaviour.

I don’t think it’s a generational thing. My mum is in her 70s and brought me up with strong feminist values and the belief that I should be treated respectfully and as an equal by men…or they can get to fuck.

That was my first thought....that it sounds like a coping strategy narrative. Its certainly not generational. I am 67 and my parents would never have espoused that as a view. They were both very clear about the importance of independence and agency for women.

Shelovesamystery · 24/08/2021 23:44

Well you still see comments along the lines of "men have needs" on the relationships board on here so I don't think that your mother is alone in her views.

I also hear a lot of people (on here and irl) describe sex as being given by women. "Oh his wife won't give him sex" or "he's pissed off because I won't give him sex". I think this shows how a lot of people view sex, that it's for the man only, something that women do as a favour for their male partners. I've always found this odd as, to me, sex is something you do because you want to, both of you, it's not a gift

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 24/08/2021 23:44

My mum would have agreed with your mum. I'm 48, she's early 70s.

I also had little to no sense of boundaries as a young woman and had a lot of sex I didn't want because "well you have to, don't you."

I know young women, in their 20s, that believe the same. Because that's what they've seen their parents do or say.

QueenHofScotland · 24/08/2021 23:46

No it’s not an age thing necessarily but I think it’s about experiences. My mum (she died earlier this year when she was 75) would have been horrified if she thought I was in an abusive relationship and I would in no way be to blame for it in her eyes.

However, I often think that these types of views are an indication of how a person is a) raised themselves, and what they are exposed to as young children then young adults (their sexual socialisation) and b) the relationships they have as adults (and both are linked)

In her younger years my mum was in abusive relationships - and she would have at points accepted that as “her lot” and perhaps felt that she had to behave in a certain way otherwise there would be consequences. These views were linked to her exposure to domestic abuse as a child and her exposure to violent male “role models”, including her being a victim of this violence and aggression.

This also shaped her view or sex. Sadly at times I feel she might have shared similar views to your mum in terms of her own self worth in a relationship - that men need sex and as a partner / wife your duty is to provide that. Again, this stems from her exposure to this type of relationship, and to years of being criticised by males in her family and in relationships. Men were the boss.

However, I think she saw another side to life and again would have been horrified if I was in that type of relationship. But she still had old fashioned, patriarchal views to some extent.

I think as she got older and society changed, and she saw friends and family in loving relationships where this type of treatment wasn’t present, she began to be less accepting of men dictating what she could and couldn’t do. Sadly it was probably too late for her.

So it’s not as simple as victim blaming or lack of empathy in all cases. My mum was the kindest person in the world and would help anyone if she felt they were a victim in any way. But her own experiences definitely skewed her views.

QueenHofScotland · 24/08/2021 23:47

Similarly - my mum asked me one day who was going to iron my husbands shirts. “He is” I replied. She couldn’t quite get over that.