I posted before a couple of years ago on this. Still making sense of it. I started therapy recently and finding it hard. I had such a nice childhood with a great school, parents present for sports days and parents evenings etc. Had plenty of gifts and good food and warm home. Car when I was 17. Money for a house. I’m bruised by how broken I was though.
Are these things more common than my therapist tells me?
My dad used to drag me around by the hair if I didn’t got to bed. I mentioned it many years later and he said well what would you do with a child who wouldn’t sleep. I remember clumps of my hair all over the stairs. I would get into bed feeling hurt all over, nothing drastic or life threatening, but aching all over.
Both parents would make comments to me like I was an attention seeker, I was dramatic, I was a little hitler, I was a pain, I was a nightmare to bring up, was I the devil they would ask me often… they’d say why wasn’t I like Claire at school, why couldn’t I be like a normal child and read magazines, why wasn’t I more like my sister. I would often hear them talking to other family members about me and saying how awful I was and how difficult things had been for them. I’m not sure if they knew I could hear but I spent much of my childhood very confused.
I don’t think I was a bad child. I was very anxious but I worked hard at school, I was polite to adults and really rather quiet and reserved. I didn’t drink in my teens or smoke or get involved in anything I shouldn’t. My worst trait was that I was anxious I think and a very insecure child.
I remember at primary school I would wait for my teacher to arrive in the hallway and run to give her a hug. Every day. I told a friend I loved her more than I loved my mum. I was only 5 and I look back on it now and wonder why I felt so desperately that I needed to have that connection. What was I missing at home. This theme continued into my teens when I spent nearly every night with a neighbour who was 20 years older than my mum and we’d walk her dog and talk about things together. I felt respected around her. I clung to her for many years and my parents often mocked me that I was having an affair with her 
I wasn’t. They were obviously hurting and jealous perhaps that I used to do this. I guess it was company for my neighbour too so she was quite happy for me to tag along to walks and call in for a tea.
At uni holidays my parents would expect that I would be back with them and tell me they wanted me to go back but then simultaneously say they were dreading it and I was a guest in their house it wasn’t my home and I should be respectful. I had no privacy and when I went out for work often my room would have been cleaned and tidied within an inch and all my things moved including diaries and private work I was doing. I wasn’t allowed to use the washing machine but at the same time was told I was lazy and never cleaned…I wasn’t allowed to cook and if I did it would cause arguments as the kitchen would become messy with the cooking. I didn’t know how to cook for many many years after I left. I was often given money and told to go out to eat instead. My mum would cook most nights but if I said I was allergic to something or didn’t want to drink wine then I would be mocked and told if I didn’t like it then leave. I’d ask for example not to have gravy as there was wine in it and they’d lie and say there wasn’t…all sounds petty and middle class but I felt so disrespected, like a nobody with no ability to make my own decisions. If I ate particular food in the fridge my dad would go mad saying that was for him and it was expensive etc (they had money so not sure why cost was an issue). There was always food to eat but I just had to eat what wasn’t for them. I would then start to use my own money to buy bits and pieces I wanted to eat and was told that I was taking up room in their fridge and that wasn’t acceptable.
I have no idea who I am really, even now. Not sure why I am posting maybe to gauge whether this is more common than I think and maybe I am being dramatic and self indulgent in thinking about this all this time later.