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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Struggling with the predicament this man has put me in

90 replies

Amongstotherthings · 19/08/2021 20:55

He just stopped calling/texting/meeting up - total shift in his behaviour and
his communication with me but loved me calling/texting him (it probably stroked his ego) as he was very flirty and sending mixed messages etc. After a week of this behaviour from him I was on to his game and backed off, stopping myself contacting him.

It has been 2 weeks. He's not going to contact me is he? Sad.

I imagine he is quite shocked that I've stopped contacting him and deprived him of the reaction he was looking for so I'm proud of myself for that but it is SO HARD!

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 19/08/2021 21:04

You are absolutely doing the right thing.
Have you blocked and deleted?? Do that right now.

Then write a list of things that you like which benefit you and your life and any time you think of him do one of them instead.
Also check out female dating strategy for support and wats to focus on being the best person you can be and only choosing relationships with men who enhance your life rather than detract from it

Notmoresugar · 19/08/2021 21:05

Stay strong and stick to your guns.
You will look back in a few months and be really proud of yourself.

UnknownBestu · 19/08/2021 21:09

I did this once @Amongstotherthings I hated doing it.

3 months later I heard from him.

I’d moved on.

Original poster
Amongstotherthings · 19/08/2021 21:14

Thank you for you replies. I know I'm doing the right this as I know if I keep contacting him, he will pull away more.

@Rainbowqueeen I haven't blocked or deleted him as I feel that will make me feel a lot worse.

OP posts:
Original poster
Amongstotherthings · 19/08/2021 21:15

@Rainbowqueeen and I still want him to contact me unfortunately. Maybe with time my feeling will change.

OP posts:
ShitShop · 19/08/2021 21:17

I volunteer as tribute.

Struggling with the predicament this man has put me in
Original poster
Amongstotherthings · 19/08/2021 21:22

@ShitShop haahaha that made me laugh.

He must be wondering why I haven't contacted him by now or maybe he just doesn't give a shit.

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 19/08/2021 21:23

Well it took all of a week or so to suss that out, so well done you, that's the way to go, he knows where you are. If anyone finds themselves doing all the grafting, backing off and seeing if they step up, is the way to go. You know you are worth some effort. Sod him!

Original poster
Amongstotherthings · 19/08/2021 21:25

I know he is expected me to be pleading, asking why he's changed etc but I'm not going to feed his ego (which is what I feel he wants me to do).

Why else would he be sending me mixed messages, being flirting etc.

Some men are hard work!

OP posts:
Original poster
Amongstotherthings · 19/08/2021 21:28

@Opentooffers
Well it took all of a week or so to suss that out

Do you think that was too long? Do you think I should have backed of sooner and not given him that week of attention? Sorry I'm just trying to get a clear picture of the full situation.

OP posts:
UnknownBestu · 19/08/2021 21:28

@Amongstotherthings he will have noticed. I’m sure he will be in touch. But fuck me, find someone who doesn’t leave it weeks. I know it’s hard, I’ve been there. But it doesn’t take much to find better than that. Flowers

AtrociousCircumstance · 19/08/2021 21:29

It’s easy to be flirty and light hearted if you don’t really care. Sounds like he was just playing really. Sorry OP - if will get easier, hang on very hard to your self respect and the knowledge that you really won’t care either, before you know it.

Marni83 · 19/08/2021 21:31

I’m confused
He didn’t contact you
So you didn’t contact him

And it’s been two weeks?

I suspect that if he instigated the no contact
Then he’s rather relieved there’s not been any drama and that you seemed to be on same page as him (even though… you weren’t)

Original poster
Amongstotherthings · 19/08/2021 21:36

@Marni83 yes he instigated the no contact but when I contacted him he would be flirty etc this is why I felt I was getting mixed signals as I thought he would be relieved too but I got the impression he was enjoying the attention.

OP posts:
Original poster
Amongstotherthings · 19/08/2021 21:38

Therfore I want to starve him of this.

OP posts:
Notmoresugar · 19/08/2021 21:44

You are absolutely right to starve him of any further attention.

A friend of mine is completely hooked by someone like this who clearly doesn't give a shit about her and it's been going on for 2 years!! (She even knows he has another girlfriend(s).

Rainbowqueeen · 19/08/2021 21:58

Op he’s off shagging someone else, someone he likes better. If he comes back to you it will be because that didn’t work out.

Wouldn’t it make you feel better to take control of your life and move on, not sit around waiting for someone who will not treat you in the way you deserve and who sees you as a back up option.

Not all relationships work out. For you, this is one of them. Dwelling on it stops you finding the one they does work, meets your needs and makes you feel cherished and lived.

Original poster
Amongstotherthings · 19/08/2021 22:06

I have been on other dates and not had him my mind some days but then other days it gets me down. I think its more the unfinished business, no closure etc.

This man is 47 (12 years older than me) and he has been single for a long time - I am now starting to understand why.

OP posts:
Marni83 · 19/08/2021 22:09

So he was crap at contacting you
If you’d contact him nonetheless and sensed he enjoyed the attention

He did his usual no contact but instead of you contacting him, you haven’t

Ans it’s been 2 weeks

Yes?

Marni83 · 19/08/2021 22:11

He really never gave you the impression it meant much to him
And when you stopped contacting him, he probably my just shrugged and thought - great, no drama.

I’m sorry OP but I really don’t think he’s thinking anything at all about this

Marni83 · 19/08/2021 22:14

I’m failing to see your “predicament” tbh!

Original poster
Amongstotherthings · 19/08/2021 22:16

@Marni83 unfortunately you may be correct and in which case I probably won't be hearing from him again Sad.

I may give him a bit longer then give igbine more try? Initiate contact with him again, see how that goes?

OP posts:
sunnyzweibrucken · 19/08/2021 22:29

Don't do it. A man that is really interested will contact you. And he will initiate contact about as often as you do. So don't feed into his ego. Block him and move on to the next fish in the sea.

Redruby2020 · 19/08/2021 22:34

Omg I love this site, that I always find posts similar to what I am going through. Last few days with the guy I had started to get involved with have just changed, not sure why or what is going on, makes me miserable.

AnyFucker · 19/08/2021 22:44

Initiate contact with him again, see how that goes?

Please don’t. This man is not giving you a second thought. Do you think he has you on his mind, wondering and obsessing about you ?

No. For pity’s sake, leave it now. You are making a fool of yourself.