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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Struggling with the predicament this man has put me in

90 replies

Amongstotherthings · 19/08/2021 20:55

He just stopped calling/texting/meeting up - total shift in his behaviour and
his communication with me but loved me calling/texting him (it probably stroked his ego) as he was very flirty and sending mixed messages etc. After a week of this behaviour from him I was on to his game and backed off, stopping myself contacting him.

It has been 2 weeks. He's not going to contact me is he? Sad.

I imagine he is quite shocked that I've stopped contacting him and deprived him of the reaction he was looking for so I'm proud of myself for that but it is SO HARD!

OP posts:
Notonthestairs · 20/08/2021 20:33

He's self centred and emotionally unavailable - why are you so keen to hang on to him?

Original poster
Amongstotherthings · 21/08/2021 11:22

@Notonthestairs the emotional unavailability I was hoping would get better in time but then again he is almost 50 and seems perfectly happy being single.

OP posts:
Notonthestairs · 21/08/2021 11:55

What do you want? A relationship or something casual?

He's showing you he doesn't want a relationship with you.

Original poster
Amongstotherthings · 21/08/2021 13:39

@Notonthestairs he is, however I'm trying not to take it personal as he hasn't seemed to want a relationship with anyone over his many years.

OP posts:
ALittleBitConfused1 · 21/08/2021 15:45

In all honesty if someone is emotionally unavailable that rarely changes, unless they deal with the reason that made them that way in the first place.
In my experience men in their 50s rarely change their behaviours, if he thought he needed help he probably would have seeked it by now, of his own accord. I think this is just a case of a middle aged man who is happy with his life the way it is, he may have even acknowledged to him self that he doesn't have the emotional tools available to have a fulfilled relationship or he may not either way he doesn't have them. It seems he is ok to flirt, get the desired ego stroke, potentially sex but with very little input on his part. If you're happy with it just being that go ahead and contact him, but don't tell yourself it will ever be any more than that because it won't.
I realised a while ago that the only people we can change are ourselves. My life's been alot happier since I acknowledged that and put the effort into improving myself rather than wasting it on men who had no intention of offering the same kind of effort. It's amazing how different my life and mindset is since.

Surroundedbytwits · 21/08/2021 16:05

OP - it is likely he was validated by your contact and attention with him. Starving him of it is the best way forward. Whether you will see (and be validated yourself) from his suffering from this is a different matter.

I would recommend putting him on mute on WhatsApp. It means that if he does contact you, you do not get a notification until you log into the app which is a way of controlling your pain. Ie you can do everything you need to do for yourself and to nurture yourself without the anticipation of a notificaiton. You’ll discover after a whole the anticipation will be less and less.

Original poster
Amongstotherthings · 21/08/2021 16:23

I was just listening to an audible about self-compassion and at the end, the author was talking about being single. She asked what do you need to hear from a partner. To make that specific to this situation, you need to hear from him that you're worth making the effort for

What audible was it please @PearlyBird

OP posts:
Original poster
Amongstotherthings · 21/08/2021 16:25

@ALittleBitConfused1 @Surroundedbytwits
Thank you both your points make sense and describe him well.

OP posts:
Gilda152 · 21/08/2021 16:28

erm OP,

How long were you together for?

Marni83 · 21/08/2021 17:24

@Gilda152

erm OP,

How long were you together for?

Refusing to answer Which I think tells us…. Not very long at all
ShuddaBeenMe · 21/08/2021 17:36

Much better off without this game player. Delete and block. Move on.

AgentJohnson · 21/08/2021 17:55

Why are you describing standing up for yourself as a “predicament that he has put you in” ? He’s an idiot and not worth more of your headspace and you have issues that you need to understand and work through.

CallMeNutribullet · 21/08/2021 18:02

Value yourself more op

Notmoresugar · 21/08/2021 18:11

Just think OP how many other women have flogged this dead-horse.
Why do you think it will be any different with you (and that's no disrespect to you).
You don't need his validation.
Value yourself.
You're only 35 and you've got your whole life ahead of you.

Original poster
Amongstotherthings · 21/08/2021 20:50

Thank you 😊 I know you are right, its just hard at the minute but I will be better in time.

OP posts:
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