Page 3 | Struggling with the predicament this man has put me in

Amongstotherthings · 2021-08-19T19:55:57+00:00

He just stopped calling/texting/meeting up - total shift in his behaviour and his communication with me but loved me calling/texting him (it probably stroked his ego) as he was very flirty and sending mixed messages etc. After a week of this behaviour from him I was on to his game and backed off, stopping myself contacting him. It has been 2 weeks. He's not going to contact me is he? [sad]. I imagine he is quite shocked that I've stopped contacting him and deprived him of the reaction he was looking for so I'm proud of myself for that but it is SO HARD!

PearlyBird · 20/08/2021 06:28

[quote Amongstotherthings]@Aquamarine1029
Why on earth would you even consider contacting him again
I wish I knew! Maybe it's the feeling of rejection? If I ended things or if it ended in a diffrent way maybe wouldn't be feeling this way. Am I the only one who has ever felt like this? I'm starting to wonder if this is even normal. How do people just manage to brush it off and move on so easily.

No I'm not short of dates or attention, I'm also happy to be single. As I said I think it's the way he has ended it - rejection, blow to self esteem? I really don't know.[/quote]
Yes, I get this, like if you could make this end differently it would disprove some core belief about yourself that you hardly even realise you have but are still hoping isn't true.

After I walked away NC from a similar avoidant merchant, I really thought about what I wanted to hear from a partner. In my case I want to feel supported, singled out for love, I want to feel somebody has my back. I was always looking for my family of origin to ''see my side'' but now I realise I don't need them to. I stand firm in my own perspective. If they all think I'm mad, well then it turns out I'm the strong one. They can't bring me to heel by demonising me as mad.

I hope that makes sense. I have just stood firm in HAVING MY OWN BACK. BEING THE STRONG PERSON IN MY OWN CORNER. Because that is what I really needed from a partner.

I've also chased after men who like comme ci comme ca about me. Stupid waste of my time. Would never do it now.

But I am very accpeting of it now. The way I was raised, not to have my own perspective, not to express needs, It seemed normal to me to have to chase a relationship and quash my needs.

I didn't even realise I had needs as I'd been trained to believe that it was my need to serve and have no needs.

My parents (very respectable, normal o the surface) did a number on me and robbed me of the chance to have a normal relationship.

But I could now, except, I'm 51 and can't be arsed any more.

OP you're only 35.

Eviethyme · 20/08/2021 06:30

Have some self respect this is why he's not bothering because he sees you as desperate. Someone who comes running when deprived of attention.

It's sad just move on like he has.
If he messages you then by all means send a friendly message back but no one doesn't message someone they are interested in.

updownroundandround · 20/08/2021 06:31

OP it's not a predicament at all really.

You're simply struggling to connect the sudden 'ghosting' with the fact that when you contacted him, he was 'happy' to hear from you.

You are right to think that the two don't 'connect' properly, but you're thinking ''Well, he was happy to hear from me and was 'flirty' so he must like me, therefore 'something' must have happened to make him change/not contact me, and if I contact him he'll tell me the 'reason'''

But the fact is that he did not think you worthy of contacting, i.e you're just some chick he dated for a while. He isn't and wasn't invested at all I'm afraid.

If you contact him again, even with a 'friendly' 'check in', then you really are simply boosting his ego , which is probably way too big already ffs !

If he really cared for you, he'd have told you if something was going on in his life when you contacted him wouldn't he ? He'd have said ''Sorry I haven't been in touch, but my Gran died/I've had a car crash'' or whatever, but he didn't, he just chatted away and flirted with you, then got off the phone without either explaining his 'disappearance' or arranging to see you !

Stop trying to ''second guess'' what the hell he's thinking, and just relegate him into the ''types not to date again'' pile, and move on !

You'll never understand why he did it, so let it be enough that he did do it ! Therefore he's a prick who is not worthy of you !

litterbird · 20/08/2021 06:36

How long were you together for? You haven't mentioned anything about how many dates you have had together, what he was like on those dates....had you just met on Tinder or some other OLD? You say you know he fancies you but have you flirted in real life and actually had a physical relationship? To me it sounds like this is just a very new connection you have had and dating is just that, exploring if you actually fit with the other person and like them enough to continue with a relationship. Its one of the downsides of dating when they start flaking on you, they stop communicating because some one else has come along and they weren't as invested as you are. Did you have a chat to him about being exclusive and where you were going with the relationship? If not, again, it sucks, but he has just moved on swiftly. Horrible to be rejected like that but you are doing the right thing and not playing into chasing and doing the pick me dance. Move on and keep dating other men until one sticks around....its tough but sadly its the dating world right now.

Lolabray · 20/08/2021 06:40

Been there and yes he will return, and a good thing my friend said to reply back with is GAME OVER

ALittleBitConfused1 · 20/08/2021 07:58

It doesn't really matter how long you were involved. It simply sounds like he's just not that into you, or maybe he was but he is emotionally unavailable, or highly likely juat a bit of a shit.
Either or the end result is the same, you are not going to have a happy, healthy and balanced relationship with this man.
Thing is while you continue to analyse the what ifs or try to understand the why's and wherefore you still giving it head space. How it ended isn't the problem so telling yourself that is just the way you are trying to justify contacting him again. Getting in touch with him isn't just a friendly check in is it, it's you hoping he'll realise how much he's missed you and change, suddenly declaring he wants what you do.
He won't, he doesn't...and you'll be left feeling like crap again.
You matched his effort and you haven't heard from him as a result, he doesn't care.
Move along with your head held high and self respect in one piece.
It isn't easy for anyone to just get over it. But it will be a lot harder if you keep going back for more of the same. Next time make them earn your trust, respect and finally love.

SarahBellam · 20/08/2021 09:08

A relationship really shouldn’t be difficult. He really doesn’t give that much of a shit about you. You’re a bit of a diversion but nothing more. Move on.

ShitShop · 20/08/2021 09:43

It’s happened to us all (well most anyway) and the ONLY answer that will bring you any closure is to close it yourself.

Accept that he’s a twat.

Do not under any circumstance contact him again.

Meet others but more importantly meet your own needs.

One day this idiot WILL be back in contact. They all do.

At that point you need to have deleted his number, if not blocked it, so that you’re not tempted to message him first.

And when he does text you, IGNORE! By speaking his language you will have the upper hand, the only chance of making him realise that he’s a twat, and the satisfaction of not being put in the same situation by him again.

The minute you reach out you’ve lost and he’ll put you right back here again in a week or two or seven. At some point he’ll stop being flirty and ghost you again and all your angst will come flooding back. But in the meantime a little of your self esteem will have died.

For yourself, please do everything you can to cut whatever tie this man has over you. You deserve someone better, who is totally into you. You won’t meet him while pining for this one.

SixesAndEights · 20/08/2021 10:54

@Amongstotherthings

I'm not sure why people think he was just a blip. Nowhere in this thread have I mentioned how long we were together for.

Doesn't matter how long you were together. In the grand scheme of things, this was just a blip.

ShitShop · 20/08/2021 11:05

FWIW a friend of mine was with a guy for 2 years. They’d met each other’s kids and considered themselves a couple. One day she texted him something nice, he replied a couple of words. She was annoyed he hadn’t written something more heartfelt so didn’t text him back. Lockdown hit and they haven’t seen or spoken since!! She was really cut up about it but is stubborn as hell, and apparently so is he, so that’s that.

Mybestgirl · 20/08/2021 11:07

You do have closure. He hasn’t been in contact with you for 2 weeks, he isn’t interested. He’s flirty when you text because he’s keeping you dangling for when he has nothing else to do and no-one to go out with or sleep with…who wants to be the last resort?

GreyhoundG1rl · 20/08/2021 11:09

@ShitShop

FWIW a friend of mine was with a guy for 2 years. They’d met each other’s kids and considered themselves a couple. One day she texted him something nice, he replied a couple of words. She was annoyed he hadn’t written something more heartfelt so didn’t text him back. Lockdown hit and they haven’t seen or spoken since!! She was really cut up about it but is stubborn as hell, and apparently so is he, so that’s that.

That's not him being stubborn, is it? He's taken the opportunity to scarper that she's handed him on a plate. The very definition of not being that into her.

Aposterhasnoname · 20/08/2021 11:17

@UnknownBestu

I did this once *@Amongstotherthings* I hated doing it.

3 months later I heard from him.

I’d moved on.

Snap, right down to three month gap. He was devastated when I informed him I’d moved on and he even had the brass neck to say I was wrong not to officially end it with him before dating anyone else.

Oh, how I laughed.

Tocktock · 20/08/2021 11:28

Brilliant!😂

Marni83 · 20/08/2021 11:50

@ShitShop

FWIW a friend of mine was with a guy for 2 years. They’d met each other’s kids and considered themselves a couple. One day she texted him something nice, he replied a couple of words. She was annoyed he hadn’t written something more heartfelt so didn’t text him back. Lockdown hit and they haven’t seen or spoken since!! She was really cut up about it but is stubborn as hell, and apparently so is he, so that’s that.

She sounds high maintenance And he sounds like he took the opp to escape

How shit for the children involved. 2 years of getting to know a family very closely and then suddenly - over

Tocktock · 20/08/2021 11:54

She sounds high maintenance

That's a bit of a leap @Marni83

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 20/08/2021 12:45

@Amongstotherthings

I'm not sure why people think he was just a blip. Nowhere in this thread have I mentioned how long we were together for.

How long were you together for?

Marni83 · 20/08/2021 13:02

@Tocktock

She sounds high maintenance

That's a bit of a leap @Marni83

If you text something nice - you can’t be annoyed if the return message is not as “heartfelt” as you wanted. Basically you want to dictate what the other person writes.

Definition of high maintenance!

Original poster

Amongstotherthings · 20/08/2021 18:51

@litterbird
You haven't mentioned anything about how many dates you have had together, what he was like on those dates....had you just met on Tinder or some other OLD? You say you know he fancies you but have you flirted in real life and actually had a physical relationship

We met via a friend and got on great every time we went out or were together. Yes he flirted in real life as well as when I would contact him after he appeared distant. He was self centred, stuck in his ways I assumed. He was also not very emotional avaliable- he blamed this on his hectic life.

Did you have a chat to him about being exclusive and where you were going with the relationship

We didn't have an official talk about being exclusive but he put it across that we were for the long term.

OP posts:

Original poster

Amongstotherthings · 20/08/2021 18:53

And yes we had a physical relationship.

OP posts:

GreyhoundG1rl · 20/08/2021 19:00

We didn't have an official talk about being exclusive but he put it across that we were for the long term.
Explicitly? Or is that what you chose to read into it?

Original poster

Amongstotherthings · 20/08/2021 19:08

@GreyhoundG1rl
Explicitly

OP posts:

Marni83 · 20/08/2021 19:26

You have steadfastly avoided dating how long the relationship had been going on for

Moonface123 · 20/08/2021 19:52

It's just your own ego that's abit sore, that's all. In a few days none of this will matter of you keep busy doing other stuff.
He is the lesson you need. To value yourself more.
Thank him for that quietly in your mind and let some other poor bugger have the feelings your experiencing now. He's just not capable of giving you want you want, that's his problem and not yours.
There's still some lovely decent men out there, save yourself for someone special.

Moonface123 · 20/08/2021 19:55

Peace of mind is priceless, you'd 'll never get that with him.