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Original poster

Would this be considered abusive behaviour?

82 replies

namechangeat11pm · 19/08/2021 20:34

Not a TAAT but it is inspired by one.

My DH loves walking, loves going up hills and walking for miles. I like it, but I’m not as into it as him. He’s very fit, and I’m not unfit but not as fit as him.

DH will insist I go walking with him, which in general I’m happy to do, but it usually results in me being in a fair amount of pain from it. He’ll often do things like tell me it’s a six mile walk, but it’ll end up being an eight (a comfortable walk for me would be 4-5 miles). Or we’ll agree a turn back point and he will insist we keep going to add a bit extra on. Or take a different route which ends up being rougher terrain. Or when we go on holiday, he’ll make me walk miles and miles and miles per day, refuse to get public transport or taxis. It often results in me being in pain, limping and can last for a few days after. I’m also fairly sure it has contributed in me suffering from both a knee injury and a foot injury.

We went to New York on holiday, and I expected to do a lot of walking. But we walked 18+ miles every day and I was in agony despite wearing walking boots and doing things which normally help me. One day, I was crying because I was in so much pain and didn’t feel like I could walk to a restaurant for dinner. He refused for us to get a taxi, he refused to go out and get me something and bring it back, and he refused to let us order room service.

If I refuse to do any of the things he said, his responses range from anger to sulking to guilt tripping to just carrying on walking and me feeling like I have to just follow him.

Would this be something that is considered as abusive, or not? From his view, he just wants us to do something fun together, exercise is good for you, he’s just pushing me to do a bit more to improve my fitness, dogs enjoy it, etc. Which I don’t disagree with, and I don’t mind being a bit achy after exercising. I’m quite into weight lifting and often ache after that too and I like the feeling, but this isn’t achy it’s pain.

I’m genuinely interested to hear others honest perspectives on this.

OP posts:
HirplesWithHaggis · 19/08/2021 20:37

Yes, it's abusive. You know the "good ache" you get from exercise, and you know agony ain't it. So does he.

MakeMineAdoubleChocolate · 19/08/2021 20:37

Sorry but it is abuse and weird.

My husband wouldn't force me to walk miles and miles. And know I am in pain.

TacCat49 · 19/08/2021 20:43

The word 'refuse' comes up a lot in your posting. Everything seems to be on his terms so tell him to go fuck himself because you refuse to go on these long walks as you are going shopping for the day.

category12 · 19/08/2021 20:44

Jesus, yes.

in a normal relationship, your partner would GAF if you were in pain and try to help you, and certainly not go out of his way to push you into doing things you can't physically cope with.

KeyErro · 19/08/2021 20:45

That's awful

FetchezLaVache · 19/08/2021 20:47

Of course that's abusive. The DP in the other thread didn't appear to have been explicitly told that it was causing the OP pain, but your DH knows damn well you're in agony and he doesn't care. He's horrible, sorry.

Dangermouse80 · 19/08/2021 20:47

I think the problem is you just don't say no!! You don't ask, you just say no more and take control!

LastGirlSanding · 19/08/2021 20:49

Yes that’s abusive. Do you not have access to your own money? How can he refuse to let you get a taxi or room service? Why can’t you just order those things yourself? Are you too scared to go against him?

HelloDulling · 19/08/2021 20:49

Yes. He's an abusive bully who doesn't care about your mental or physical wellbeing.

user16395699 · 19/08/2021 20:51

Yes. He uses coercion to control you, which is the definition of abuse.

Havent you posted about him before? I recognise this.

user16395699 · 19/08/2021 20:52

If I refuse to do any of the things he said, his responses range from anger to sulking to guilt tripping to just carrying on walking and me feeling like I have to just follow him.

Coercion.

chemikazi · 19/08/2021 20:52

My OH used to do this. Like he was doing me a favour by pushing me further than I wanted to a felt able to go.

I'm sure it was a control game.

He too would lie about how far we would walk. How high the hill was.

He would try to belittle me.

It's abuse x

letsmakethishappen · 19/08/2021 20:52

He’s forcing you to do things he likes how about doing what you like?? And no is no . Stop doing it and tell him your getting a taxi etc. Do what you want.

Whogotdakeystomabeamer · 19/08/2021 20:53

Just don't?!

lauraxoxo · 19/08/2021 20:54

Yes This isn't healthy!

StopGo · 19/08/2021 20:56

I have a significant hip injury. I can't walk as far or as roughly than the family. I go as far as I can then go to an agreed rendezvous. Always have a book and no drama. He's an abuser.

pickingdaisies · 19/08/2021 20:56

God yes that's abusive. I mean my DH can be a bit of a dick with planning longer walks than I'd like, and it leads to a few arguments, but if it's time for me to turn back, I turn back. Or take the short cut or whatever. And if I want room service or to eat at the hotel, I do that. I do not hobble into town on injured painful feet because DH insists. Why do you allow him to treat you like this?

Iamblossom · 19/08/2021 20:57

So that night in NY because he didn't "allow" you to do the things you wanted you didn't eat?

Yeah, I would say that constitutes abuse. 🤦‍♀️

MintyGreenDream · 19/08/2021 20:58

The normal conversation would be.."babe I'm fucked can we go back now" "you sure?" "Yes" "ok"

Original poster
namechangeat11pm · 19/08/2021 21:06

@dangermouse80 I know that technically I can say no. But I also can’t say no, for the reasons I mentioned in my post. I do have plans to leave him, he is very controlling in general. But that other post really triggered me, this is all something I’d not associated as being abusive.

OP posts:
category12 · 19/08/2021 21:09

I just can't stomach him seeing you crying in pain, (on a holiday fgs) and still wanting to force you to walk to get a meal. Sad

acolderwar · 19/08/2021 21:18

If you genuinely don't feel able to say things like

  • 'well I'm turning back now because I've had enough, see you at the car'
  • 'well I'm ordering room service because I'm hungry'
  • 'I'm not going on that particular walk, I don't want to'

Then it's pretty worrying. Why don't you have any free agency?

category12 · 19/08/2021 21:20

OP just said he's a very controlling man that she's looking to leave.

Original poster
namechangeat11pm · 19/08/2021 21:20

He always just told me, either directly or implied, that I was being lazy. And I believed it.

OP posts:
Tallisimo · 19/08/2021 21:21

Whether you want to label it as abusive or not is irrelevant. What’s important is that he is not listening to you or respecting your views and needs. He wants to go for a long walk? Fine. Tell him to have a good time, you are going to do something YOU want to do. He says it will only be a four mile walk, you respond by saying that you aren’t falling for that one and are not coming.

What is the rest of your relationship like? Does he respect you and your needs in everything else?