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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would this be considered abusive behaviour?

82 replies

namechangeat11pm · 19/08/2021 20:34

Not a TAAT but it is inspired by one.

My DH loves walking, loves going up hills and walking for miles. I like it, but I’m not as into it as him. He’s very fit, and I’m not unfit but not as fit as him.

DH will insist I go walking with him, which in general I’m happy to do, but it usually results in me being in a fair amount of pain from it. He’ll often do things like tell me it’s a six mile walk, but it’ll end up being an eight (a comfortable walk for me would be 4-5 miles). Or we’ll agree a turn back point and he will insist we keep going to add a bit extra on. Or take a different route which ends up being rougher terrain. Or when we go on holiday, he’ll make me walk miles and miles and miles per day, refuse to get public transport or taxis. It often results in me being in pain, limping and can last for a few days after. I’m also fairly sure it has contributed in me suffering from both a knee injury and a foot injury.

We went to New York on holiday, and I expected to do a lot of walking. But we walked 18+ miles every day and I was in agony despite wearing walking boots and doing things which normally help me. One day, I was crying because I was in so much pain and didn’t feel like I could walk to a restaurant for dinner. He refused for us to get a taxi, he refused to go out and get me something and bring it back, and he refused to let us order room service.

If I refuse to do any of the things he said, his responses range from anger to sulking to guilt tripping to just carrying on walking and me feeling like I have to just follow him.

Would this be something that is considered as abusive, or not? From his view, he just wants us to do something fun together, exercise is good for you, he’s just pushing me to do a bit more to improve my fitness, dogs enjoy it, etc. Which I don’t disagree with, and I don’t mind being a bit achy after exercising. I’m quite into weight lifting and often ache after that too and I like the feeling, but this isn’t achy it’s pain.

I’m genuinely interested to hear others honest perspectives on this.

OP posts:
acolderwar · 19/08/2021 21:29

What would happen if you did refuse to do what he wanted you to do?

HelloDulling · 19/08/2021 21:40

If I refuse to do any of the things he said, his responses range from anger to sulking to guilt tripping to just carrying on walking and me feeling like I have to just follow him.

So what? He can get as cross as he likes on a coastal path on his own. Meanwhile, you'll be heading home to a bath and a cup of tea. You don't have to follow him.You don't have to do anything that he says.

Original poster
namechangeat11pm · 19/08/2021 21:41

@Tallisimo no, he doesn’t. I’m planning to leave him, I’ve had a couple of previous threads about things.

@acolderwar he has done things like refuse to give me the keys to the car so I can’t sit in it and wait for him if I turned back early, he has given me silent treatment, he has been very angry, called me fat and lazy, said I’m ruining his weekend/the holiday, a lot of guilt tripping.

OP posts:
Disneycharacter · 19/08/2021 21:43

Dear god OP. Bring forward the leaving plan and go.

Embracelife · 19/08/2021 21:46

One day, I was crying because I was in so much pain and didn’t feel like I could walk to a restaurant for dinner. He refused for us to get a taxi, he refused to go out and get me something and bring it back, and he refused to let us order room service

Of course this is abusive

MimiArm · 19/08/2021 21:52

This is awful.

Tell him to go take a long hike .... pun intended.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 19/08/2021 21:53

Yes it is abuse, I wouldn't tolerate it, my ex H did similar things and after having a massive tantrum one day when I was ill and couldn't go somewhere he wanted to go I realised our marriage was over. Its a relief.
The things you do together should be fun, they should never leave you in distress.

Tallisimo · 19/08/2021 21:53

Good luck with you plans, OP, sounds like you have made the right decision for you x

Octavia64 · 19/08/2021 21:56

When you are planning to leave, be careful. If he feels the situation is getting out of his control things may escalate. It's worth taking a bit more time to think through your plans/get support and assistance if necessary so that the situation is under your control.

Don't move things forward/ do things before you are ready because of this thread.
I haven't used them but Women's Aid have useful advice on their website.

ChocolateHelps · 19/08/2021 22:00

Blimey. I'm in the Lake District right now. DH is in his element.and has been up really early about 3 times during this holiday to go on really long walks with the dog. I've stayed in the lovely cosy big bed and had a lazy morning with our teenage daughters. He's enjoyed himself and so have I! We've all done a couple of easy walks together but it's not my idea of a good time. We've all done activities we wanted to do on this holiday, including me having a half day in a spa. We've been married 20 years. We have different holidays but he's happy if I'm happy and I'm happy if he's happy! No way would be bully me like yours has.

ChocolateHelps · 19/08/2021 22:01

Different ideas of fun things to do on holiday (we don't have separate holidays)

It sounds like the scales have fallen from your eyes and now you won't be able to unsee it. He is awful.and you deserve better. Leave him. Look after yourself

Original poster
namechangeat11pm · 19/08/2021 22:03

@Shehasadiamondinthesky Your comment has reminded me that he still makes me go out if I’m ill too. I had quite a bad chest infection a couple of years ago, and he made me go out for a walk with him in the rain.

OP posts:
Craftycorvid · 19/08/2021 22:09

Would be tempted to piss in his hiking boots before I left, quite frankly!

DrNo007 · 19/08/2021 22:11

I was once in a similar relationship, OP, so I know what you are talking about and sympathise.

At that time I was chatting to a friend who had previously been in yet another similar relationship, was constantly suffering injuries from accompanying him on his adrenalin junkets— and she got out.

She told me very seriously that if she had stayed with that man she would have ended up seriously injured or probably dead. I heard her and split up with my boyfriend shortly after. Never regretted it.

I am now with my DH and we have a comparable level of fitness and sense of enough being enough when we go on hikes.

I hope you listen to what your body is telling you and leave this relationship.

RantyAunty · 19/08/2021 22:15

Yes, he's mean and abusive.

When are you planning to leave him?

Until then, make a safety package for yourself. Money and installed apps to call a taxi or uber and to have food delivered to you.

Chesneyhawkes1 · 19/08/2021 22:18

Yes that's awful! He's a bully

Patsyanna · 19/08/2021 22:20

Horrible man. Leave asap. He sounds very cruel.

RandomMess · 19/08/2021 22:20

I hope you get to leave very soon Thanks

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 20/08/2021 06:59

This is awful. DH's walks often turn out longer than he predicts, but that's because he's terrible at reading a map. He wouldn't dream of intentionally making me walk in pain. Just making the point in case your DH tries to gaslight you into believing that 'anyone can get the distance wrong'.

HollowTalk · 20/08/2021 07:06

He sounds absolutely awful. Bring forward your leaving date to as soon as possible. Given the way he treats you I wouldn't give him warning in advance.

It doesn't sound as though you have children together. What's your housing situation? Do you share joint accounts?

Needapoodle · 20/08/2021 07:09

*One day, I was crying because I was in so much pain and didn’t feel like I could walk to a restaurant for dinner. He refused for us to get a taxi, he refused to go out and get me something and bring it back, and he refused to let us order room service.

If I refuse to do any of the things he said, his responses range from anger to sulking to guilt tripping to just carrying on walking and me feeling like I have to just follow him.*

Evil bastard. Bring forward your plans to leave him. You don't have to live like this.

WhoNeedsaManOfTheWorld · 20/08/2021 07:11

You need to separate emotionally from him and ignore his manipulation
I wouldn't go anywhere with him because you can't trust him to respect your needs. Let him go alone, ignore sulking and start building a life of your own with your own interests

Lolabray · 20/08/2021 07:15

Yes emotional abuse I had one just the same

SoundBar · 20/08/2021 07:18

How many times has he done this OP?

Why on earth would anyone withhold car keys or food from someone who is in pain?

I am shocked and I hope you find support to leave him ASAP. He sounds dangerous.

Lolabray · 20/08/2021 07:22

Have you ever tried to say no fuck you you idiot and go home or your own? This is some kind of coercive control