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Original poster

Would this be considered abusive behaviour?

82 replies

namechangeat11pm · 19/08/2021 20:34

Not a TAAT but it is inspired by one.

My DH loves walking, loves going up hills and walking for miles. I like it, but I’m not as into it as him. He’s very fit, and I’m not unfit but not as fit as him.

DH will insist I go walking with him, which in general I’m happy to do, but it usually results in me being in a fair amount of pain from it. He’ll often do things like tell me it’s a six mile walk, but it’ll end up being an eight (a comfortable walk for me would be 4-5 miles). Or we’ll agree a turn back point and he will insist we keep going to add a bit extra on. Or take a different route which ends up being rougher terrain. Or when we go on holiday, he’ll make me walk miles and miles and miles per day, refuse to get public transport or taxis. It often results in me being in pain, limping and can last for a few days after. I’m also fairly sure it has contributed in me suffering from both a knee injury and a foot injury.

We went to New York on holiday, and I expected to do a lot of walking. But we walked 18+ miles every day and I was in agony despite wearing walking boots and doing things which normally help me. One day, I was crying because I was in so much pain and didn’t feel like I could walk to a restaurant for dinner. He refused for us to get a taxi, he refused to go out and get me something and bring it back, and he refused to let us order room service.

If I refuse to do any of the things he said, his responses range from anger to sulking to guilt tripping to just carrying on walking and me feeling like I have to just follow him.

Would this be something that is considered as abusive, or not? From his view, he just wants us to do something fun together, exercise is good for you, he’s just pushing me to do a bit more to improve my fitness, dogs enjoy it, etc. Which I don’t disagree with, and I don’t mind being a bit achy after exercising. I’m quite into weight lifting and often ache after that too and I like the feeling, but this isn’t achy it’s pain.

I’m genuinely interested to hear others honest perspectives on this.

OP posts:
Hadenoughofthisbullshit · 20/08/2021 07:24

This reminds me of my sister and being on holiday with her and getting d&v, she screamed at me that I was ruining her holiday until I went to the beach with her and then refused to stay near to the toilets, resulting in a humiliating run for me to the loo. So I just made my way back to our cabin without telling her. More screaming when she got back.

Funnily enough when she got a stomach bug on holiday when we were teenagers my parents were terrified of us having too much fun without her and wouldn’t take us anywhere until she got better. Luckily my other sister could drive by then.

Some people just don’t care about other people at all. As long as you are doing what they want they don’t care how you feel about it or how much pain you’re in.

footprintsintheslow · 20/08/2021 07:28

How soon can you leave OP?

Original poster
namechangeat11pm · 20/08/2021 07:30

@SoundBar too many times to count. When I’m looking back now, we have a big falling out about it every holiday we’ve been on. And I walk until I’m in pain, every month or so?

I feel like I forget though, it’s only now that I am putting all this together because I have already seen my relationship for what it is. It’s almost like every time we go on holiday, it takes me by surprise because I forget how he can be? It’s really weird. He can be so sweet and kind sometimes, I forget how awful he can be at other times. Or I used to, like a PP said I think the scales have fallen from my eyes now.

OP posts:
judgejudyrocks · 20/08/2021 08:57

So what happened in the New York hotel room? Did you go hungry? Did he eat? This is not normal, on any level.

On one of our recent holidays, I got food poisoning. I couldn't eat a thing, was vomiting etc. DH went down and had his meal (all inc hotel), then came back to the room with a bottle of wine and sat next to me all night watching movies.

WhoKnew19 · 20/08/2021 10:24

Definitely abusive OP. Glad to hear you are planning to get out.

OpheliasCrayon · 20/08/2021 10:25

Of course it's abuse

ParentingDilemmas · 20/08/2021 10:31

As soon as you said he doesn’t let you order a taxi and refused to bring food back for you that screams abuse. It seems like you don’t have a say in the matter and when you have no say and all the decisions are made my your partner then that’s control and abuse.

Bananalanacake · 20/08/2021 10:49

I love long walks on holiday, my dp doesn't so I go without him. Yes your dh is abusive, I'm glad you are working on leaving. Could you try saying, no I don't want a walk until next week, what would he do.

KimDeals · 20/08/2021 10:53

I don’t think it’s abusive but it’s very dismissive of you.

You have the power to say no! So what if he sulks etc, let him!! See your “no” through. You don’t have to do any of these big walks or keep walking. Let him sulk.

KimDeals · 20/08/2021 10:57

Sorry I take back my post above - I hadn’t seen your last post - he sounds like a right prick of a bully. Very hard for you, very confusing for you when he swings from sweet to imposing his plans.

MydogWillow · 20/08/2021 11:41

Definitely abusive OP. I have no idea what goes through these people's brains. Hideous and twisted.

I've been checking your other post about the bath scenario for updates regarding leaving.

Your post here indicates you need further clarification of his behaviour which is perfectly normal. What he does is chilling.

Please don't doubt yourself OP. You know his behaviour is abusive.

I hope you now have everything in place to move out. Just over a week to go.

Stay safe. Everyone is rooting for you.

user16395699 · 20/08/2021 13:44

He can be so sweet and kind sometimes, I forget how awful he can be at other times.

That's how the cycle of abuse works.

There are people on this thread who have shown they can't identify abuse either, so it's not unusual that you have struggled to recognise as the person in the thick of it.

Crikeyalmighty · 20/08/2021 14:03

Can’t this guy do anything off his own back OP?? It sounds not and for that reason I’m glad you are planning to leave— I can’t stand people that expect others to constantly just go along with what they want to do —regardless of the other persons ‘wants’ . you could well end up with dodgy knees and hips if this is pushing you beyond what you are comfortable with.

pickingdaisies · 20/08/2021 16:01

OP I feel absolutely gutted for you, going through this and feeling that you had to accept it. I'm so relieved that you are finally recognising what's going on, I wish you all the best in your new life away from this awful man.

Original poster
namechangeat11pm · 20/08/2021 16:49

@Crikeyalmighty honestly this is the tip of the iceberg really. He can’t/won’t do anything on his own, ever.

OP posts:
MydogWillow · 20/08/2021 17:06

[quote namechangeat11pm]@Crikeyalmighty honestly this is the tip of the iceberg really. He can’t/won’t do anything on his own, ever.[/quote]
He won't let you do anything on your own.

thefourgp · 20/08/2021 17:13

I’m glad to hear you’re going to leave him OP. Often on these threads, despite 99% of the posters saying ‘yes, it’s abuse’, the Op rarely wants to accept that.

Shoxfordian · 20/08/2021 17:26

He sounds like an abusive knob

I don’t like to walk too far and my dh never makes me, he wouldn’t let the wind blow on me, he adores me so much. This is how it should be op

Thebookswereherfriends · 20/08/2021 17:38

To give you an example of a partner behaving non-abusively in a similar situation - a decade ago I was a lot fitter and used to enjoy riding my bike with my partner. We went on holiday to France and were doing about 40 miles a day, one day we did quite a hilly ride and it was getting late and we got to somewhere which we thought would have accommodation, but didn’t. My knee had begun to hurt and I just couldn’t go any further not knowing exactly how far we needed to go to find somewhere to sleep. My partner rode off for a few more miles to see if anything was close by, but when he didn’t find anything he instead found a taxi that was able to take me and my bike and asked the taxi driver the nearest place for accommodation. He then rode there and met me. We had a couple of days rest to give my knee a rest and then adjusted our route to avoid too many hills. That is how a partner should act when you are in pain!

Original poster
namechangeat11pm · 20/08/2021 22:37

@Thebookswereherfriends Your partner sounds so lovely. DH would never do that, sadly. Never in a million years. I would love to feel taken care of like that. I almost don’t believe you, like I can’t imagine men being as kind as that in real life? It sounds like a scene from a romance novel or something. It’s the same sometimes when people on here post about other things their DHs have done. I know it happens but it seems like such a fantasy, to me at least.

OP posts:
Thebookswereherfriends · 20/08/2021 22:42

@namechangeat11pm I really hope that from starting this thread you can see that you need to value yourself more. You deserve every happiness and you are not going to find it with your husband. Give yourself permission to start over and begin a life where you can choose the things you enjoy doing and not live a life doing things which cause you pain!

shockedNeighbour · 20/08/2021 22:53

This is awful.

A genuinely loving partner would never wish to see you in pain or even just discomfort.

He sounds seriously messed up.

Opentooffers · 20/08/2021 23:16

I've ended up unintentionally walking with my BF for 16 miles - he does about 15/day with work, then swims, then gym so small potatoes for him. Luckily, I'm quite fit, could handle it, did have muscle aches to legs after though. But that was a one off, mostly 5 or 6 miles, also as my dog would not be up for that much these days and he always comes. TBH if I couldn't hack it, I'd get my own taxi regardless of what he thought ( but he'd most likely jump in).
Can't help but think this shows there is abuse also across the board going on. Is there financial abuse? Do you not have your own means to use public transport, meet him further on if he wants to walk? Why do you feel you can't say no?
Try it, let him sulk, stew on it, then you will see him for the nasty man he is. About time to stand up for yourself, he needs to get used to "no thanks".

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 20/08/2021 23:33

Oh OP you deserve so much more than this absolute wankstain on the sheet of humanity.

I'm so glad to read you're planning to leave. There is a bright future there, please take it.

Crikeyalmighty · 20/08/2021 23:43

@namechangeat11pm. I do know where you are coming from— I seem to have gone for complete extremes in
My life— from a guy who was always out drinking with mates but was never controlling to two guys (one married , one live in) who never seemed to have friends to do anything with and centred their lives around me— I have felt like wife, cook and social secretary and many of my friends have had similar issues too!!!! I really envy people who seem to have more balance in this regard