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Original poster

My parents just aren't interested

90 replies

pegasussy · 18/08/2021 21:34

We - my husband, me, and my children - haven't seen my parents since winter 2019. My youngest hasn't even met them. They live an hour away by plane. We used to see them every 3-4 months.

Obviously covid is to blame for much of this, but we've all been double jabbed for over a month now (they have been for even longer). I've invited them to come stay many times. Initially they said they were anxious about covid (they're very anxious people, though I note my dad was happy to go to a work event near us until it was cancelled), and now they're not sure if my dad will have too much work on to come. They were only ever going to come on a Saturday for 2 nights (they don't like staying for longer), so I don't understand this excuse.

I feel really hurt about their attitude on this matter. Is it normal? I'm always the one to call them as well, and to offer video calls with the grandchildren (which they don't enjoy so we've only done it a handful of times). They say they miss us and I think they do in their way, but obviously not enough to come see us. I know we can go see them, but it's really tricky travelling with our young children at the moment.

Please someone help me make sense of this.

OP posts:

UserStillatLarge · 18/08/2021 21:36

Their reasons for not coming to see you are as valid as yours for not going to see them.

If you want to see them, go and see them. Then tell them it's their turn.

SaltySheepdog · 18/08/2021 21:41

They are comfortable with less frequent contact them you and that’s ok

Not visiting due to anxiety is not personal

Original poster

pegasussy · 18/08/2021 21:47

I know their reason is valid and they don't have to apologise for it. But that's not how families and relationships work is it. People aren't robots. I can still be hurt that my parents don't want to come see us, for a reason that doesn't make sense to me.

Also can I re-emphasise that they were happy to travel for work but not for me.

OP posts:

Original poster

pegasussy · 18/08/2021 21:48

And it's been close to 2 years!

OP posts:

DramaAlpaca · 18/08/2021 21:51

I can't help with why, but I do understand because my parents are the same. It's been the same since my children were small, it's always been up to me to travel never them, even though they were well able to. They've lost out on so much as a result, and so have the children.

6fingerkitkat · 18/08/2021 21:57

After a long time of not experiencing the chaos of having kids about they may wonder about coping ... how old are the kids?

Work event doesn't involve a child potentially climbing onto your lap or waking in the night etc.

I don't have Covid anxiety but I withdraw a lot due to MH issues and it doesn't mean I'm not interested. I just can't cope with people a lot of the time. I can just about manage my kids but if I was asked to stay with a family with young kids I'd decline for sure.
I am very interested in my friends but I get they probably think like you

Original poster

pegasussy · 18/08/2021 22:01

6finger that's an interesting perspective, thank you. I think that must be part of it - they've withdrawn into themselves hugely and don't feel comfortable stepping out of that. The children are 1 and 3. My parents have never been hands on with them and there's zero expectation of them looking after the children while here.

OP posts:

LawnFever · 18/08/2021 22:04

Have you offered to visit them? If not why are your reasons and why do you feel they are more valid?

Lots of people have developed anxiety around covid, it’s really quite common & a work event is different to a trip that involves a flight & airports.

Original poster

pegasussy · 18/08/2021 22:04

Dramaalpaca do you feel distanced from them as a result? I can't help but feel this way. My in-laws have seen us a few times over the past year despite living a few hours away. My friends' parents are the same, all desperate to see them and the grandchildren.

OP posts:

Original poster

pegasussy · 18/08/2021 22:06

Lawnfever the work event is near us, so my dad would have had to fly to attend. He said back then he would consider stopping by to see us if the event went ahead, but the event got cancelled.

We cannot realistically go visit them at the moment. They don't have enough car seats or space to accommodate all of us.

OP posts:

Phineyj · 18/08/2021 22:09

When you say an hour away by plane, is this another country or e.g. people needing to fly from Scotland to the SE or whatever?

Just thinking that a home stay with toddlers could feel like a big ask after 18 months of their own company, and that a few hours meetup at e.g. a National Trust place might be less pressure. But maybe distance makes that impractical.

Original poster

pegasussy · 18/08/2021 22:13

Phine the latter, same country. But too far for day trip.

OP posts:

MondeoFan · 18/08/2021 22:14

I'm experiencing the same as you. My parents are in their 70's and very anxious people. They are doubled jabbed as am I.
They won't let me in their house and won't come here. I went there on Father's Day and stood on the driveway talking to my dad for an hour and my mum didn't even come outside.
I'm very hurt by it. My youngest hasn't seen them in person for 18 months.
They live 30 min away

DramaAlpaca · 18/08/2021 22:14

@pegasussy yes, very much distanced from them. I'm used to it now, they won't change and I've come to terms with it. I also live a short flight from them and it's been so hard seeing friends being visited by their parents when my own just aren't interested.

buckeejit · 18/08/2021 22:14

I'd go to visit them & stay nearby or rent a car/camper & booster seats. I get that you think it's more hassle for you to go to them but they're using different scales & May view it differently. My pil haven't been to us in 3+ years now & they're an hours flight away but would drive & boat it. They're very well off & in good health & retired. We just go there. Pick your battles.

Good luck

Original poster

pegasussy · 18/08/2021 22:15

I hope this isn't seen as 'drip feeding' but they've always been a bit rubbish with the grandchildren. Like they'd visit us but then spend a lot of time watching tv in their own room rather than hang out with us. But they'd tell me over and over how much they love the grandchildren and they love seeing their photos. I think they just love the idea of them rather than being interested in actually building a relationship with them.

OP posts:

Cakequeen1988 · 18/08/2021 22:17

I can see why you are upset they haven’t visited but you haven’t visited them either. The fact they haven’t room to accommodate you or car seats isn’t a reason not to really. It’s an inconvenience but not a reason.

They are ‘only’ an hour away. This is doable with 2 young children, many people take younger children on much longer flights to visit family. You can hire a car and stay in a rental/hotel if needed. You only get one set of parents. Go and do it. Enjoy being with them. Then you can very much consider it their turn a know you made great efforts to see them.

Original poster

pegasussy · 18/08/2021 22:17

Mondeo and dramaalpaca, I feel you both. Perhaps distancing myself and letting this go is the best way. I just so want my children to have a relationship with them, and am upset it's just not happening.

OP posts:

Doyouavocado · 18/08/2021 22:20

Very confused as to why most are saying ‘ well you haven’t visited them’ OP has children, one of which is a baby! It’s a million times easier for them to come to her, and they should also want to meet their grandchild!

OP I’m totally with you, this would piss me right off

Original poster

pegasussy · 18/08/2021 22:20

I really don't agree with 'just go do it' and visit them. It's so much more onerous for us to visit them than for them to visit us, for the reasons I gave and a few more I won't go into. They've acknowledged this freely in the past, and said they didn't expect us to visit them as often. And they're not exactly asking us to go visit them either. I think if they have been saying oh please come see us, we're too anxious to travel, it would be COMPLETELY different and I'd probably go.

OP posts:

Original poster

pegasussy · 18/08/2021 22:21

Thank you avocado - you understand where I'm coming from.

OP posts:

DramaAlpaca · 18/08/2021 22:26

My father once told me they'd decided to be 'hands off' grandparents and that's exactly what they've been over the years. When they did see the DC they wouldn't engage with them much and as I said, they've paid the price by not having a close relationship. My mother can't understand why they never wanted to hug her and found it upsetting but they hardly knew her. She didn't seem to understand that you have to put the effort in with grandchildren. My DC are in their 20s now and I can tell you that when the time comes I will be a completely different grandparent. I know what not to do!

Original poster

pegasussy · 18/08/2021 22:29

Completely, dramaalpaca me too. But isn't it sad? Grandparents keen to connect and don't understand why the grandchildren don't. They can't seem to link their own lack of effort with the resulting emotional distance.

OP posts:

Phineyj · 18/08/2021 22:30

It must be very disappointing but it is what it is. How you describe your parents' visits pre Covid is quite telling. However, I bet you have people in your life who really love you and your DC. Prioritise them.

Shame it's such a distance though. I've managed to sustain a relationship with my younger sister based pretty much solely on a few hours in visitor attractions once per school holiday. If it had meant flights and staying over, we'd be no contact by now! As sadly neither of us like the other one quite enough to make the effort.

MondeoFan · 18/08/2021 22:30

@DramaAlpaca do your DC see their grandparents still if they are in their 20's?
My eldest is 16 and I know she won't bother with her grandparents as they've shown her they aren't bothered about her.

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