My parents just aren't interested

[pegasussy]

We - my husband, me, and my children - haven't seen my parents since winter 2019. My youngest hasn't even met them. They live an hour away by plane. We used to see them every 3-4 months.

Obviously covid is to blame for much of this, but we've all been double jabbed for over a month now (they have been for even longer). I've invited them to come stay many times. Initially they said they were anxious about covid (they're very anxious people, though I note my dad was happy to go to a work event near us until it was cancelled), and now they're not sure if my dad will have too much work on to come. They were only ever going to come on a Saturday for 2 nights (they don't like staying for longer), so I don't understand this excuse.

I feel really hurt about their attitude on this matter. Is it normal? I'm always the one to call them as well, and to offer video calls with the grandchildren (which they don't enjoy so we've only done it a handful of times). They say they miss us and I think they do in their way, but obviously not enough to come see us. I know we can go see them, but it's really tricky travelling with our young children at the moment.

Please someone help me make sense of this.

it's not just 'popping over for lunch' is it? And staying overnight in other peoples homes is not always easy, do you have a comfortable guest room? this is a good point. Gone are the days I'd happily crash on someone's sofa or sleep in a horsebox, I want a proper bed and my own bathroom. My DD lives a 2 hour drive away with her husband and baby. I see them regularly but arrive at midday and leave at 8pm. It's an effort, especially if the traffic is bad and then I can be driving 5 hours in total, but I want to sleep in my own bed. What are the sleeping arrangements when they come to you?

Also, with covid, I'm happy to see family and friends, go shopping, go to a pub, but sitting on a plane like sardines with other people, I'm not ready for that yet. Perhaps they feel the same way?

Can you meet in the middle somewhere you can all drive to, or would that be too far?

I can understand your hurt OP.
It must be difficult hearing about other loving, involved grandparents.
Its sad that your parents seem so uninterested in you and the kids but that's how some people just are.
They are self indulgent, only bothered about their lives.
Bloody selfish and quite horrible if you ask me but you will just have to try and let it go. They won't change so you have to change your mindset and accept that is the way they are so it's your choice whether to put yourself out there with them.
Personally, I would be very hurt and would be pulling back a bit.

I think it’s hard to understand when you are in the thick of it with babies and toddlers but as you get older and leave the baby toddler stage behind its unappealing going back to it. As a woman your nurturing hormones drain away and you lose interest. Not everyone and some like my own mother and aunt remain baby and small child mad but even at 46 with teens myself now I find very small children grating after 10 minutes of cooing whereas I used to be a devoted sahm.

A well used mn phrase: when people show you who they are, believe them.
Your parents love you and your family in their own way, but clearly don't want to be involved in the way you would like.
It doesn't mean they don't love you at all.
I personally find it baffling and would be very sad, as you are. But each to their own. Don't travel to them. Accept the situ for what it is.
Make the most of the your in laws and all other family who show proper interest in you and your family

OK I am probably going to get flamed writing this, but, to present an alternative perspective, I think some of you with young DC on here may not understand how it feels when you are older and when you are at the end of your parenting "journey" (sorry, hate that word) as opposed to the beginning of it. Especially when you have had your children in your late 30s rather than in your 20s.

I am parenting teens ATM and it is honestly the most draining experience of my life. They are very up and down emotionally and as, a parent, you are up and down with them to a certain extent. I find it exhausting.
We love them to death but they are not always the easiest of individuals to live with, and frankly they don't have huge awareness of this. We are not sleeping, as they are coming in late at night or in the early hours of the morning. We are chauffeuring them about in the day time, having their friends to stay. Next month, we will be in the phase of supporting them through university. The accommodation, the visits, the transporting of stuff, sometimes help cleaning up rental accommodation. Then, if my siblings lives are anything to go by, it will be emotional support with finding a job, accommodation between jobs, help with moving flats, maybe help with doing up houses, then help with organising weddings, then help with house moves again, then the grandchildren are born and we are expected to provide childcare or visit frequently.

Now all of this is normal and if you love your DC, a huge privilege. I am at the very end of the baby boomer generation and I think it's fair to say that our generation are not parents who practised "benign neglect" like our parents did in the 70s. We have been fully involved and invested in our DCs' lives and happily so. Bit it does take it out of you.

It's still a fair bit to do when you are still working in your 60s and your knees have begun to creak when you wake up in the morning, you tire physically more quickly, your digestion doesn't work quite as well as it did, and you sleep less etc.

As you see posts and posts on here from mums in their 20s and 30s about how exhausting and relentless life is with infants and young DC, it isn't any different for grandparents who may be 20 to 30 years older. And if you didn't love the infant bit when you were a parent, why should that automatically be different when you are a gp?

Personally, I love young infants and children and the messy play etc and I am looking forward to having GC, but it will possibly be in a decade's time when I am in my late sixties and I will be approaching it with not quite as much vim and vigour as I have expended on my own DC. Because my own DC have knocked the stuffing out of me. It's hard to explain until you have parented teens and young adults, but honestly,v it's a thing. Especially if you are an anxious person. It's the worry mainly. In short, having teens and young adults (and it's not just me who says this but my friends also) takes the energy out of you in a way you don't recover from, especially if you are an older parent. And if you are working until your mid-sixties, it may take a lot of energy to just do that. So although they love their DC and GC, GPS may just long for a bit of peace and quiet and time on your own when they are not working.

Does that sound so terrible?

No doubt lots of sprightly sixty and seventy year olds will now post on here and say how they combine running marathons, full time work and providing childcare for their DC/GC two days a week and I know many people do this. But I guess some people have more energy and are more robust (physically and mentally) than others and take life in their stride a bit more than me and my siblings . And good for them! Honestly, I really admire them. But where I am right now, being frank, as the parent of a teen, I just want to lock myself in my bedroom and not come out for a very long time

What Ourlady wrote.

After many years my parents overall indifference has limited power to sting now but this has hurt me a lot.

Any invites from me to them were declined citing, "I am too busy" along with many versions of this theme. I gave up asking in the end.

I found early school life like the Christmas play and sports day to be tough because it did seem on occasion (although I knew this was not the case) that I was the only one who had not brought along the DCs grandparents with them. (At this time we were all living in the same town).

I have a distant relationship with my parents, and absolutely get the wanting them to want you thing and feeling hurt and rejected.

The thing is though, people aren't mind readers. A lot of people assume that others are fine unless they say otherwise. So they might have no idea you feel this way. They could even have similar feelings about you not visiting them.

My MIL lives in Devon and we're in Scotland. When she travels (not since pre-pandemic) she prefers to come by plane. But we weren't keen on air travel even before Covid concerns.

We drove down to see her in May and stayed in self catering accommodation for a week on a holiday park. This worked well for us because we could have days out together but also had our own space and kids had activities etc on the park. Maybe something similar would work for you if not now then in the future?

I don't think anything could tempt us onto a plane at the moment, so I understand that could be a source of anxiety for your parents. But there are other options that are less exposed like driving half way etc.

Regardless of how you practically solve the visit problem, I think there is definitely something in the expectation of others to know needs we haven't expressed. I'm guilty of feeling hurt and rejected when people don't seem to consider us or want to see us, but maybe friends and family feel the same about us and we are just oblivious and busy in our own day to day.

It's a tricky problem that needs open communication. But I understand the vulnerability and bravery that requires. But it's the only way to possibly get your needs met or to know for sure they have no interest.

It does not necessarily follow that life gets somewhat easier when the now adult children are in their early 20s either velcropaws. There are different challenges to be faced (but no school or school plays at least).

How grandparents behave with their adult child and grandchildren is to my mind a question of personality rather than age. If you are seen in the family as somehow more "capable" and "sorted" then you're often left to get on with it (that was the case whereas my brother was far more dramatic and demanding in telling them what he wanted of them).

My mum used to cite tiredness as well but she was at that time in her late 50s, did not work outside the home and had no adverse health conditions when my son was born. So it was used as an excuse and these facts did not stop her from cleaning my brother's show home of a house or going on holiday.

I agree with Velcro even though mine only early teens and I’m quite energetic

My in laws are like this, terrified they are going to catch covid from my daughter that goes to to nursery 2 mornings a week 🤷‍♀️ they also made it very clear that they were appalled that I sent her to nursery during lockdowns without offering any help or solution. My parents are not particular interested after a couple of hours they are ready to go home even though I make them drinks and food. Never offering any childcare etc and that's fine but I do find it all abit odd as I spent a lot of time with my grandparents.

@pegasussy

I really don't agree with 'just go do it' and visit them. It's so much more onerous for us to visit them than for them to visit us, for the reasons I gave and a few more I won't go into. They've acknowledged this freely in the past, and said they didn't expect us to visit them as often. And they're not exactly asking us to go visit them either. I think if they have been saying oh please come see us, we're too anxious to travel, it would be COMPLETELY different and I'd probably go.

You see you are seeing your side of it "onerous" but you are not seeing theirs - having to get a plane currently , living in a house with a 1 and 3 year old - there isn't a grandparent I know that doesn't describe such events as chaotic .

My own DM lives 2 hours away from us. We either meet us half way, or she comes to us. I speak with her 3-4 times a week on the phone, she loves pics of the DC, she shows an interest in their lives and ours.

MIL lives an hour away (by train) and used to live close to where we live now so she is familiar with the area. She has friends here who she comes to see, but hasn’t come to ours since 2018, when she came to DS’ birthday party (my DM gave her a lift). DD was 1 at this point, and doesn’t even know who she is now. She does send presents for the DC but has never ever, on one single occasion, suggested meeting up, or suggested seeing them. The last time we saw her I suggested meeting up in the next few weeks; she said she was ‘busy’ for a while and three years later, we haven’t had so much as a FaceTime.

I totally understand what you mean - I want her to want to see us, and her grandchildren. I have no family besides my mum, so the DC don’t have a big family - on DH’s side, they’re the only grandchildren so they don’t have any cousins, or contact with DH’s siblings. We’re a very relaxed family - nothing is expected of her, we’ve never asked her to babysit, or anything - we’d just like reciprocal contact so we can stay in touch, the odd text/email, meal out, meeting up for birthdays and Christmas - usual family stuff. But she obviously isn’t bothered about that, which hurts a bit.

Thank you to those who have offered useful perspectives and understand my hurt. I'm finding your comments very helpful

The flippant 'get over it, just go see them without the children' comments - I don't think you get it at all, which is fine, but I'm a real person and I'm saying that I'm hurt - a little bit of compassion would be nice.

Naomi - everything you've written really resonated. It's inexplicable, especially when they have received lots of help from parents themselves.

I have said to my parents many times I'd love to see them, and it's been so long. I've offered to help look up flights, pay, etc. They would reply: yes it's been very long, we will 'hopefully' meet this year. A whole lot of hoping and not any doing.

We have a large room for them here plus en-suite. We will be moving soon when we will have even more space for them.

My grandparents were my world growing up. They gave up so much to look after us when we were little following my mothers death. My dad would not have managed without them.

My dads interest in my children is from a distance. He asked about them and is happy to see them on an odd occasion but that’s it. It’s taken me a lot to accept that this is the relationship he wants and that they will never be close to him. It’s his choice but it does hurt.

There’s so much variation - I see some grandparents doing the school run, attending events at school (before Covid times of course), being really involves in their grandchildren’s lives, having them to stay over and taking them on days out. Then there’s people like MIL, who has a grandchild living an hour away who wouldn’t be able to pick her out of a line up.

I’m absolutely not expecting MIL to be like those who do the school runs etc - but it shows how close some choose to be. Perhaps as I had no grandparents myself as a child (or aunts, uncles, cousins or siblings ) I’m sensitive to the fact that despite the fact my DC have two grandmothers (FIL died before I met DH and I haven’t seen my father since 1987) only one of them bothers with them.

I think it’s disappointing for you , but it sounds like they dont care enough. And you can’t change that.
If they wanted to, they would .
They aren’t the hands on grandparents you want them to be - but the’res nothing you can do about it

Hi OP, I think the idea to go to a holiday park near them and see them several times during the week is a good one. It's worked for us with both PIL and DPs. Bonus would be you could also catch up with any friends in the area? You might feel better if you could make an active decision rather than waiting for them to make one.

I totally understand the hurt Op. My situation is different to yours in that I had very involved DPs when my DC were younger, to now when I am constantly questioning my relationship with my DF.

I still exist enough to get birthday/Xmas cards and will chat on the phone if I call but this somehow makes it harder.

I moved two years ago just before COVID so he hasn’t seen where I now live and I’m in a very nice tourist area. He has said he will come but doesn’t make any plans.

This is very hard as previously he has spent a lot of time at other homes - I’m talking every weekend more or less for two years at my old family home landscaping garden, extension etc.

I don’t know whether it’s COVID, it’s the distance (my brother came down earlier in year and could have brought him so he wouldn’t have to drive) or just old age.

When he moved away from my childhood home to be nearer his partner I was interested in his new home and where he was living. I turned up a couple of times with Xmas / birthday presents but always felt like I was intruding. This was never the case at the childhood home.

It’s his birthday soon and I’m stuck between booking a hotel to see him or just sending a card. My DCs talk to him on the phone but miss the contact they had.

I have tried to raise how I feel but get dismissed. I’m trying to reconcile myself with its “old age” (but it’s not really he’s still very active) and he’s entitled to live his life how he wants but it is extremely hurtful. Recently he had a heart scare and I couldn’t get hold of him for two weeks to find out how he was.

To be honest he just doesn’t seem overly interested. He has a new partner and engages a lot with her family. This impacts a lot on my mental health as I feel very rejected. He has a very distant relationship with my DB although I know he loves him.

I don’t know what the solution is Op I’m still trying to find my way through this but I understand the hurt feelings

I find the “we are over young kids and find them boring now” argument very sad. OP isn’t asking for hours of childcare, she wants some interest shown in her life and DC. Part of being a caring family member is showing interest and support for the lives of the people you love, even if it’s not what interests you.

I hope pp above understand it goes both ways and younger people also can’t be bothered listening to the trivialities of retired life and monologues about health problems etc. I put up with listening to that stuff from my elderly relatives because I love them and I want to support them, not because I find it interesting. It’s about not being a selfish arsehole.

@MancMum2000

I find the “we are over young kids and find them boring now” argument very sad. OP isn’t asking for hours of childcare, she wants some interest shown in her life and DC. Part of being a caring family member is showing interest and support for the lives of the people you love, even if it’s not what interests you.

I hope pp above understand it goes both ways and younger people also can’t be bothered listening to the trivialities of retired life and monologues about health problems etc. I put up with listening to that stuff from my elderly relatives because I love them and I want to support them, not because I find it interesting. It’s about not being a selfish arsehole.

I totally agree with this! It’s not unreasonable to want to spend time with a family member - or to want THEM to want to spend time with you. I find it strange on here sometimes how some people go to a lot of trouble to justify someone’s rude or strange behaviour.

I hear you OP. My parents never visit either, and have shown no interest since the pandemic restrictions eased. We haven't seen them since Nov 2019. We have no kids, so the exhaustion of being around grandchildren isn't an excuse! We're in UK and they're in Ireland so a similar distance to you

I told my mother (in a WhatsApp conversation) the other day that we have a holiday booked mid Sept, and after that we will be planning a trip to Ireland. She responded by telling me about their own holiday plans - not a word about us visiting. It hurts a lot, but less than it used to. I have separated massively from them in an emotional sense, I've had to for my sanity.

Lotta, that's really sad to read. I think some people have forgotten how to conduct their relationships as a result of covid.

Maybe they’d prefer to be able to just pop in for an hour if you were nearby, having to be around a baby and a toddler for two whole days might be too much for them, crying, noise, mess etc?

Mybestgirl, yes that's probably accurate. But isn't that hurtful.