Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

My parents just aren't interested

90 replies

pegasussy · 18/08/2021 21:34

We - my husband, me, and my children - haven't seen my parents since winter 2019. My youngest hasn't even met them. They live an hour away by plane. We used to see them every 3-4 months.

Obviously covid is to blame for much of this, but we've all been double jabbed for over a month now (they have been for even longer). I've invited them to come stay many times. Initially they said they were anxious about covid (they're very anxious people, though I note my dad was happy to go to a work event near us until it was cancelled), and now they're not sure if my dad will have too much work on to come. They were only ever going to come on a Saturday for 2 nights (they don't like staying for longer), so I don't understand this excuse.

I feel really hurt about their attitude on this matter. Is it normal? I'm always the one to call them as well, and to offer video calls with the grandchildren (which they don't enjoy so we've only done it a handful of times). They say they miss us and I think they do in their way, but obviously not enough to come see us. I know we can go see them, but it's really tricky travelling with our young children at the moment.

Please someone help me make sense of this.

OP posts:

Original poster

pegasussy · 18/08/2021 22:36

Phine I know, the distance is a shame. Though I must say I'm starting to wonder if they'd be much different if they lived 30 mins down the road.

The most hurtful part is that my dad was going to go to his work event but he's not coming to see me.

OP posts:

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 18/08/2021 22:40

Did you move away from them?

Someone once said to me "when you move away from your family they will rarely get off their arse and come to visit you, unless you live in a lovely holiday hot-spot" and he was absolutely right.

I moved from Sussex to Yorkshire. I had my wedding in Sussex because I knew otherwise few would come. None of h's family came (Tbf I was his 3rd wife..)

After marriage my mum visited once. My sister 3 times. I went down to visit them at kraft 4 times a year.

Add in Covid insanity to that.

Do you think they will be a positive relationship for your dc?

LaurieFairyCake · 18/08/2021 22:41

Do you think he'd go and see just you?

I wonder if people in general have become less interested in others over the last 18 months

I find children much more tiring than I did before the pandemic - I can really only be bothered to talk to adults now

It's like a muscle you have to use, it gets easier to do it with practice (so I deliberately practice as I have loads of friends with young children)

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 18/08/2021 22:41

Kraft = about

stripeymonster · 18/08/2021 22:42

I hear you. Similar here except only 2.5 hour drive away. Won't let us visit due to covid risk but won't visit us either. We're averaging one day visit per year and that's including pre covid times. Yet always interested to hear about children on phone but not interested enough to visit. Frustrating thing is they are really
good with the kids when we meet but because it's so rare it takes half the day for the kids to relax enough to chat and then they leave a few hours later. It's sad because both sides are missing out but my parents although aware of this don't appear to want to change.

DramaAlpaca · 18/08/2021 22:46

@MondeoFan they would be happy to see them. We were planning a short visit with all of us going there, then covid hit. It's harder now as the eldest two are working, but they'd like to see them. The relationship isn't close but they don't know any different. I'm very aware of how it could be as I was really close to my grandmothers, but we lived in the same town so it was easy.

Ragwort · 18/08/2021 22:47

But an hour by plane presumably means getting to the airport, checking in, hanging around, getting transport at the other end etc etc - it's not just 'popping over for lunch' is it? And staying overnight in other peoples homes is not always easy ... do you have a comfortable guest room?

If you want to see your parents so much why don't you travel to them for a weekend & leave your DC with your DH?

Original poster

pegasussy · 18/08/2021 22:47

Stripey do you find your own relationship with them affected? Do you feel resentful or less close? If not, how have you managed?

OP posts:

Original poster

pegasussy · 18/08/2021 22:49

Laurie I think you're right. They're even less interested now. They're happy just doing their own thing.

OP posts:

Original poster

pegasussy · 18/08/2021 22:51

Ragwort I don't think you understand. It's not like I just want to achieve the act of seeing them. I want them to want to see us too. I want us to all be close and want to see each other, and then to actually see each other and have a lovely time. But it's just not happening as they are not interested. Hence hurt.

OP posts:

RantyAunty · 18/08/2021 22:57

PP is right about people not visiting when you move.
I've been visited 2x since I moved here and I paid for their airfare and everything.

I have seen my grands for 4 years now and I'm missing out so.
I was literally just going for a long visit when the borders closed.

I chat phone nearly every day and put on a happy face for them but really I feel suicidal at times :( I carry on for them and the hope if seeing them.

oldestmumaintheworld · 18/08/2021 23:01

I think it's difficult to understand the lives of grandparents when you are in the throes of parenting. My children are now adults and delightful people whom I love spending time with. But doing adult things. I didn't enjoy them as babies and toddlers and don't really care to be around young children now. For me, they are hard work and (I'm sorry to say this) boring. I happen to know that my parents felt the same way despite being amazing parents to me and my siblings. My grown up children though have a really great relationship with their grandparents, but as adults, not children. I realise that when you are a parent that must seem very strange and could be viewed as uncaring but it isn't really. It's just that some people enjoy being around small children and others don't. It doesn't mean they care any less. Perhaps the solution for you is to go to visit your parents by yourself. They'll probably be overjoyed to see you.

boohhooy · 18/08/2021 23:08

@pegasussy

I hope this isn't seen as 'drip feeding' but they've always been a bit rubbish with the grandchildren. Like they'd visit us but then spend a lot of time watching tv in their own room rather than hang out with us. But they'd tell me over and over how much they love the grandchildren and they love seeing their photos. I think they just love the idea of them rather than being interested in actually building a relationship with them.

My mum is like this, asks for daily photos of our adventures, won't be part of them, not even playing in the garden. If she visits she doesn't interact, she worked with infant school ages kids for 20 years, but it was heavily managed role, I don't think she can think for herself how to play, she can only carry out an activity if given steps. My Dad is better, will play with the kids a bit, wouldn't take them out to the park or somewhere.

BasicB · 18/08/2021 23:15

I feel you. We’ve not seen MIL since 2018. She came up out of the blue in late 2019 to our city, text me the day she was there (she was seeing other friends, not us) wanting me or DH to meet her so she could hand over a bag of presents - no asking after DC, didn’t ask to see them, or suggest meeting up. We were both working (and DC were at school) so no one could go. Just such an odd attitude to have to your own family 🤷‍♀️ I gave up trying to include her in stuff because it never came to anything, and she looked visibly uncomfortable when I did. DH is sad about it all, but we know she’ll never change

stillsleeptraining · 18/08/2021 23:26

We have similar situations and I find it equally as incomprehensible.

I appreciate that I'm in the thick of it all now and I might just be knackered when I'm older, but I look at my DC and I can't imagine caring so little about them when they're older that I would hardly see them. Or that my priority list would be holidays, socialising, buying clothes and doing my hair ... and then way down the list would be my family.

That generation is quick to trot out the "I've worked hard all my life" line, but so haven't we bloody all. And without the benefit of unions, reasonable working hours or the ability to have a single income household!

Original poster

pegasussy · 19/08/2021 05:54

Sorry to hear others are in the same boat. I also can't fathom caring about my children so little I don't bother to see them.

I also feel so let down because for years I would fly to see them every couple of months and they hardly ever came to see me. They'd actually both go to work on some of the days of my visit while I sat at home waiting. I took them on a big holiday - somewhere my mum had really wanted to go for years - a few years ago. I feel like I was a really good daughter to them and they can't even be arsed.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/08/2021 06:35

My parents were disinterested too in grandchildren and seeing them implying they were now too old and too tired. This did not prevent them going shopping, cleaning my child free brothers house or going on holiday every three months.

I was aware of their stance pre children, my mother once told me that she was not prepared to look after any child I went into have. The result 20 plus years later that we have hardly any sort of relationship with them. My adult son is certainly not bothered with them.

thecognoscenti · 19/08/2021 06:47

Did you move away from them or them away from you? If it's the former I can see why they aren't scrabbling to visit; you'd be expecting them to accommodate your lifestyle choices. You not going to see them because they don't have enough car seats is a pretty weak reason too.

Mybalconyiscracking · 19/08/2021 06:47

Have you communicated with them? Have you actually told them how you feel about this OP?
If you told them what you have told us, then you can base your reaction on their response. Talk to them, doesn’t sound like you have much to lose.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 19/08/2021 06:54

Same here OP. I have an adult DS they show zero interest in even though he's made loads of effort. Never send birthday gifts. I work in the NzhS with covid. They have never once asked if I'm OK or want to know anything about my job. It seems they have used covid as an excuse never to see us again. We haven't done anything wrong. Its hurtful beyond belief but Ive just let it go. I have to for my own sanity.

SeventyNineBottlesOfWine · 19/08/2021 06:54

My parents are the same op, apart from the fact that they only live a 20 minute drive away.
I have no advice to give you, just buckets of empathy.
It hurts a lot.

Holly60 · 19/08/2021 07:04

@pegasussy

I completely understand OP and was coming on here to say that - that it’s not about the practicalities of how to see each other, it’s about you wanting your mum and dad to WANT to come and see you. You’ve seen other GPs DESPERATE to see their DGC and you can’t understand why your parents aren’t the same. When it comes to our DC, we want our nearest and dearest to love them as much as we do.

You ask if you can be as close and not resentful. I have not been in your position but I wanted to say to you I think it would be normal snd understandable if you didn’t feel as close- your DC are now the most important part of you, and if your parents aren’t interested, it’s like they’ve rejected the very core of who you are now. How can you love them in the same way if they don’t love the thing that is most precious to you?

OP I have no words of wisdom on how to deal with this but I don’t think you are being in the least bit unreasonable

Ragwort · 19/08/2021 07:20

I think oldest speaks a lot of sense, your DC are very young and, in all honestly, young DC can be very noisy, dull, challenging to be around. Thinking back my DF rarely visited when my DS was young but they went on to have a great friendship as he got older, my father teaching him chess etc.

And maybe your DPs just have busy, active lives, they are clearly not 'ancient' as your Dad is still working. My DH & I are both early 60s, we are busy working, volunteering in the community etc and although not yet DGPs but I can imagine how it might be hard to find time to sort out flights and make a visit. We rarely go away for a break together as our schedules don't just coincide.

Do they get on with your DH? Could there be an issue there? And is your home comfortable for guests? I've given up staying with family after cramped stays on uncomfortable sofa beds ....

Guineapigbridge · 19/08/2021 07:29

Offer to visit them on your own. Kids can be full on and not everyone wants them in their home.

HandScreen · 19/08/2021 07:43

Oh stop moaning and just go and visit them. Rent a car with car seats at the other end. Or drive up the whole way. This is not exactly a big conundrum, and has very easy and obvious solutions.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread