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Original poster

My parents just aren't interested

90 replies

pegasussy · 18/08/2021 21:34

We - my husband, me, and my children - haven't seen my parents since winter 2019. My youngest hasn't even met them. They live an hour away by plane. We used to see them every 3-4 months.

Obviously covid is to blame for much of this, but we've all been double jabbed for over a month now (they have been for even longer). I've invited them to come stay many times. Initially they said they were anxious about covid (they're very anxious people, though I note my dad was happy to go to a work event near us until it was cancelled), and now they're not sure if my dad will have too much work on to come. They were only ever going to come on a Saturday for 2 nights (they don't like staying for longer), so I don't understand this excuse.

I feel really hurt about their attitude on this matter. Is it normal? I'm always the one to call them as well, and to offer video calls with the grandchildren (which they don't enjoy so we've only done it a handful of times). They say they miss us and I think they do in their way, but obviously not enough to come see us. I know we can go see them, but it's really tricky travelling with our young children at the moment.

Please someone help me make sense of this.

OP posts:

AtticusHoysAnus · 19/08/2021 20:47

*Very confused as to why most are saying ‘ well you haven’t visited them’ OP has children, one of which is a baby! It’s a million times easier for them to come to her, and they should also want to meet their grandchild!

OP I’m totally with you, this would piss me right off angry*

Totally agree.

It's way easier for grandparents to visit

Ridiculous to even think otherwise.

Lottapianos · 19/08/2021 21:10

'Lotta, that's really sad to read. I think some people have forgotten how to conduct their relationships as a result of covid.'

Thanks it's nothing new sadly. I've been in London for 20 years and I think they've visited 4 times. They're just not interested so I've stopped inviting them, had too many knock backs

Original poster

pegasussy · 19/08/2021 21:47

My parents also never speak to my husband when we're all together, apart from the initial hello how was your journey here. They're from another culture and aren't native English speakers so I've always put it down to that, but over time I've realised it's not really acceptable, is it. My husband has stopped trying now. He's not especially bothered.

I think I'm slowly coming to the conclusion that they're just not that bothered about us? I think if I became very ill or if we needed money or something, they'd worry and absolutely help, but if it's business as usual, they're happy to carry on with their lives and for us to do the same.

OP posts:

SuperheroBirds · 19/08/2021 22:16

Out of interest, did you move away from them or them away from you (or both I suppose). I moved a long way from my family, and it’s always been made clear to me that as it was my choice to move, I have to do most of the travelling. They will come and visit me once or maximum twice a year. I’m expected to lose whole weekends and take days off for all birthdays, big parties, etc.
It seems we’ve had quite similar experiences as like you I’m annoyed that when I do go, at a date they have suggested or agreed, they don’t often bother to take the time off work to see me. So I’m using my holiday time to see them just in the evening. Whereas when they do come to us I make sure I’ve got it all booked off.

rejectedcarrit · 19/08/2021 23:15

OP, I think this is quite common - for parents to disengage. I also live a flight away from my dad. He barely knows my son, his grandchild. They have met maybe 10 times. He has never been to visit me apart from just after my boy was born and my brother told him he had to. I had cancer a few years ago and he didn't get on a plane to see me.

I 'go home' maybe once or twice a year and we meet up with him for the afternoon. My husband doesn't even go anymore on the meet up. That's it.

He has a new wife = she facilitates a life with her grandchildren and it is hard to hear him speak of them with fondness and familiarity. He's still quite active. He's just not that interested in his own family and his expectation is that it has to come to him - but he only wants an hour here and there. The idea of him babysitting or spending any quality time is laughable.

So, I hear you OP, it's not as simple as 'why don't you just visit them?' What you're struggling with here isn't logistics, it's how to cope it's what feels like rejection. When you love your kids you can't understand how your parent can have such a lack of interest in you and their own grandchildren. He has totally fallen out with my sister and has never met her children. It's hard to come to terms with. It's hard to see how loving other grandparents can be and know that you can't have that (my dad is the only living grandparent).

I have made my peace with how my dad is and I've had other troubles with him. He's not the dad I wish he was, he's the dad I've got. As others have commented, he's likely to wonder in future why his grandkids don't bother with him, but it will be no mystery to me!

Original poster

pegasussy · 20/08/2021 06:08

Superhero we both moved but I've moved further. I don't have any friends or links where they are and don't have a car, so when we visit we're completely reliant on them.

Rejected - absolutely it's not the logistics at all, it's the lack of interest. It especially annoys me when they say how much they miss the children and hope to see them soon.

OP posts:

Gingercatlover · 22/08/2021 19:12

I'm going through the same, my parents live three miles away.

They have been here once this year, when I invited them. If I don't go to see them and initiate contact we would never see them.

I don't know what the answer is! It hurts and I just can't understand what goes through their minds tbh.

I have started pulling back and waiting for them to come here for a change this has resulted in us seeing them once in the last six weeks.

We asked them if they wanted to meet us in a local village at a tea shop, didn't want to do that either but we could go there if we wanted to see them!

It really does mess with your mind and you have my sympathy

Justilou1 · 22/08/2021 19:40

@pegasussy could the lack of interest have anything to do with you marrying outside your culture? Are they racist?

butwhatcanwedo · 22/08/2021 19:40

I have felt similar from my own dm and it’s breaking my heart.
She has barely seen my two older children (primary age) during the entire pandemic. She’s seen our youngest more as I took her over during the day.
My feeling is that this is a terrible effect of the lockdown. Having been very isolated for so long I think that some people such as my dm
Who doesn’t work and is in her 70s now find it very hard to socialise or motivate themselves to spend much time with other people. Including grandchildren especially young children. It’s really sad and the feeling extends to me now feeling very unloved by my dm.

SunbathingDragon · 22/08/2021 19:44

@pegasussy

Lawnfever the work event is near us, so my dad would have had to fly to attend. He said back then he would consider stopping by to see us if the event went ahead, but the event got cancelled.

We cannot realistically go visit them at the moment. They don't have enough car seats or space to accommodate all of us.

Why can’t you travel there, stay nearby and hire a car with suitable car seats?

It sounds to me as if you are making just as many excuses as you are accusing them of.

Original poster

pegasussy · 22/08/2021 20:00

Sunbathing are you kidding me? Two adults in their early 60s flying to see us, staying in room with en-suite. Two adults, a 3yo and a 1yo BABY flying to see them, having to buy car seats for the occasion, having to buy cot/beds for the occasion, and having to rely on parents as cannot drive. Yeah that's the fucking same thanks.

OP posts:

Original poster

pegasussy · 22/08/2021 20:01

Justilou they are a bit racist. Not in a malicious way, but they've said to me before it would be a lot easier (for them) if I'd married within the culture, as they'd then be able to communicate with the family more easily.

OP posts:

Guineapigbridge · 22/08/2021 20:06

@pegasussy

Excuses. It's not that hard to travel with kids. Borrow a portacot. Car seats can be hired. Hate the "I can't drive" excuse too. Take some responsibility for your side of this equation OP. Otherwise you're just like them, making up "reasons".

SunbathingDragon · 22/08/2021 20:13

@pegasussy

You can hire car seats, the baby flies for free and you can stay in an Airbnb out there. You aren’t coming across as someone people would be rushing to visit with that attitude, so I stand by my earlier comment that you are just making an excuse but will now add that I don’t blame them for not travelling to see you. What’s more, I wouldn’t be surprised if they always travelled to see you.

Original poster

pegasussy · 22/08/2021 20:16

Sunbathing you're not catching me at my best, because I've had a bad day and I admit reading your last post in my current state made me really furious. I'm not going to argue with you over how pleasant or unpleasant I am. Or go through the ins and outs of how difficult it is for us vs. my parents to travel. It's not about that, as I mentioned earlier; this is a red herring. The issue is about expressing a desire to meet up. Prior to covid, I went to them WAY more than they did to me. But I said all that earlier too, you've just squarely ignored it. Thanks, I'd rather you didn't post again because it's helping nobody.

OP posts:

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