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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner doesn’t help around the house

84 replies

Jenzippy7 · 18/08/2021 15:20

I admit I do sometimes moan, however, since moving in with my partner I feel down all the time as I am the only one putting in effort to do chores around the house.

We both work full-time 9-5, but I still find time in my day to do the washing, dishes, ironing and cooking etc. I’ll often be running around in the evenings while he sits there on his iPad and watching tv. I feel like his mother picking up everything he leaves lying around.

We’ve had many discussions about him helping out a bit more but it always leads to an argument. He always says he will change but nothing ever does. I have tried having a to-do list that he could select a few jobs to do daily but he never does.

It wouldn’t bother me so much if he was more interested in things like gardening, diy or maintaining the house in that sense but again that’s a job that I have to do as he shows no interest whatsoever.

When I do ask him to do things I try not to nag, I say things like “when you get a moment could you please…” but I usually get met with a sigh or a moaning comment in return and it makes it very difficult.

I’m running out of ideas on how to express how I feel about this as it just leads to an argument and me feeling upset. Any advice would be appreciated please!!!

OP posts:
Outfoxedbyrabbits · 18/08/2021 15:30

Leave him. He won't change (as he has proven to you). There is nothing you can do.

It's not a problem at your end (you're not somehow failing to express how this makes you feel and if only you could find the right words he would magically realise how unfair this is and undergo an immediate personality transplant, he ALREADY KNOWS how this makes you feel), it's a problem at his end (he's a misogynist who genuinely believes that you are beneath him simply because you are a woman, and therefore it is perfectly acceptable for him to leave all of the chores to you).

So leave.

pointythings · 18/08/2021 15:33

Leave him. He's a lazy shit and it won't change. If he's like this now, imagine how much worse he'll be when he has you tied down with children - you will still be working and doing everything and raising the kids single handedly too.

Be grateful that he's shown you his true colours so early on and ditch him. Oh, and if he asks why you're dumping him - tell him.

NowEvenBetter · 18/08/2021 15:33

There’s several threads about this every single day. I wish women would stop tolerating these pointless males, there’s no reason for it, surely no one is that desperate to have a boyfriend that they act as house servants?

Notaroadrunner · 18/08/2021 15:34

Stop doing his washing, ironing, cooking for him, cleaning up after him. I'm sure he managed these things before you moved in together so he can manage again. The more you do things the more he'll sit back and just pretend to listen to you asking for help. However if you just do your own thing he'll have to start doing his washing etc. If you have 2 bathrooms, you use one and leave him to the other. Clean your own. Let him rot in his.

Shoxfordian · 18/08/2021 15:35

Unless you want this for the rest of your life then leave him

MostlyHappyMummy · 18/08/2021 15:35

Would only be echoing what the others have said

Dillydollydingdong · 18/08/2021 15:37

Don't do anything either, as it's not your job. Luckily I spend half the week at his house and half at mine. So he does his own housework and if he doesn't it doesn't get done.

KatharinaRosalie · 18/08/2021 15:38

Leave him. He's lazy and inconsiderate and thinks he's too good to clean up his own shit, but you're not.
And if you think we're all crazy and who will leave a partner 'just because' of this - it will only get so much worse.

Did you move into his place? So who did his housework before?

AperolWhore · 18/08/2021 15:40

@NowEvenBetter this! Why on earth these women put up with it is beyond me. In my opinion there are three options;

  1. accept it and stop moaning
  2. employ a cleaner and get someone to do ironing
  3. leave as he’ll never change

Simple!

Anordinarymum · 18/08/2021 15:40

@Jenzippy7

I admit I do sometimes moan, however, since moving in with my partner I feel down all the time as I am the only one putting in effort to do chores around the house.

We both work full-time 9-5, but I still find time in my day to do the washing, dishes, ironing and cooking etc. I’ll often be running around in the evenings while he sits there on his iPad and watching tv. I feel like his mother picking up everything he leaves lying around.

We’ve had many discussions about him helping out a bit more but it always leads to an argument. He always says he will change but nothing ever does. I have tried having a to-do list that he could select a few jobs to do daily but he never does.

It wouldn’t bother me so much if he was more interested in things like gardening, diy or maintaining the house in that sense but again that’s a job that I have to do as he shows no interest whatsoever.

When I do ask him to do things I try not to nag, I say things like “when you get a moment could you please…” but I usually get met with a sigh or a moaning comment in return and it makes it very difficult.

I’m running out of ideas on how to express how I feel about this as it just leads to an argument and me feeling upset. Any advice would be appreciated please!!!

So you moved in with him to be his housekeeper?
AryaStarkWolf · 18/08/2021 15:40

You don't need him to "help you" you need him to be responsible for his own house and pull his weight, I'd be out the door if someones treated me like their slave. Sounds like you aren't married or have kids together so leave before you do!

Justcallmebebes · 18/08/2021 15:40

I echo everything said and second not doing anything for him. Leave him to do his own washing, shopping cooking and ironing. You know what's he's like by now and if you continue pandering to him then more fool you.

Don't have children with him as it will be even worse

PhoebeFriends · 18/08/2021 15:44

Definitely leave now - get out, it will not get better - I know from experience. You could explain to him that you are not leaving because he doesn’t clean up but because he clearly does not respect you by his actions.
I am sorry for you but honestly it will only get worse.

RosiePosieDozy · 18/08/2021 15:47

Bleugh. That is awful. He clearly has no respect for you. This isn't a loving partnership. Do you still find him attractive when he treats you like this?

bigbaggyeyes · 18/08/2021 15:48

Sod asking him nicely and not nagging. A swift 'you either start to pull your weight and do 50% of EVERYTHING or you move out' is in order

Bananaman123 · 18/08/2021 15:51

Stop doing his washing and ironing, don't make food or anything for him. If that doesn't give him a kick up the arse LTB

CheeseMaiden · 18/08/2021 15:52

Go on strike, lower your expectations of how the house will look for a while and only do chores related to you (your laundry, your washing up, even cook your own dinner if it comes to it). It might seem petty but he will soon learn not to take you for granted. I did this with my Dh some years ago and it really drove the point across that he wasn’t pulling his weight and that if he wanted a nice house/ clean clothes/ food in the cupboards he needed to contribute.

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 18/08/2021 15:52

We teach people how to treat us. You can keep asking but he is showing that he doesn't value you, if he did he would be tidying up. He sees it as your job. Also stop using the word "help" with housework, it isn't your job but he clearly sees it as your job.

I would leave.

ravenmum · 18/08/2021 15:53

Men exist who clean up, cook and otherwise organise their own lives without you having to say anything. No need to word your request carefully to avoid their sighs because they have already texted asking if lasagne is OK before you even got back.

Felix125 · 18/08/2021 15:53

Pretend to be 'too ill to do anything' and allow it all to build up. Force him in to doing something. The only draw back is, if he doesn't respond, you'll end up doing it all anyway.

I quite enjoy cleaning, ironing, washing etc. taking a room that's been up-ended with children's fun & games and return it to how it should be - a sense of job satisfaction.

It should all be done together and never left to one person to do it all

CheeseMaiden · 18/08/2021 15:53

I should add that it worked! And that we are much more even with household chores :)

aerosocks · 18/08/2021 15:54

There is only one way to respond to this sort of nonsense, and that is to give him an ultimatum that you are prepared to carry out.

TeapotCollection · 18/08/2021 15:56

NowEvenBetter 👏

museumum · 18/08/2021 15:58

What was he doing/not doing before you moved in?
It sounds like he just doesn't want to do the amount of 'chores' that you want to do. He may have been totally happy in a less clean house, eating convenience food. In which case you will not change him.
You need to talk about it properly - compromise on standards (i don't mean you giving in, i mean actual compromise, middle-ground) and/or buy in help.

Or don't live together.

PositiveLife · 18/08/2021 15:59

Well being blunt, presumably he managed before you moved in? He didn't live in a huge mess and went hungry did he? So he's basically decided he can now be a lazy shit while you perform all these duties.

Just don't do them. He either pulls his weight or you leave.

I don't live with my partner but he washes up, helps with DIY, he even cleans the loo and does other bits of cleaning too. I wouldn't put up with being treated the way you're being treated.