My partner doesn’t help around the house

[Jenzippy7]

I admit I do sometimes moan, however, since moving in with my partner I feel down all the time as I am the only one putting in effort to do chores around the house.

We both work full-time 9-5, but I still find time in my day to do the washing, dishes, ironing and cooking etc. I’ll often be running around in the evenings while he sits there on his iPad and watching tv. I feel like his mother picking up everything he leaves lying around.

We’ve had many discussions about him helping out a bit more but it always leads to an argument. He always says he will change but nothing ever does. I have tried having a to-do list that he could select a few jobs to do daily but he never does.

It wouldn’t bother me so much if he was more interested in things like gardening, diy or maintaining the house in that sense but again that’s a job that I have to do as he shows no interest whatsoever.

When I do ask him to do things I try not to nag, I say things like “when you get a moment could you please…” but I usually get met with a sigh or a moaning comment in return and it makes it very difficult.

I’m running out of ideas on how to express how I feel about this as it just leads to an argument and me feeling upset. Any advice would be appreciated please!!!

I agree I couldn't put up with that. He is telling you that your time is worth less than his, he thinks it's your job (as you're female presumably). He's lazy. He doesn't care that you'll be tired and have less time to do the fun or relaxing stuff. He doesn't respect you enough for that.

As pp said, please don't ever have children with him - it will get worse. You will end up as one of those people whose life revolves around work / housework / DC whilst their OH has hobbies and sits watching the TV. You will work yourself in to the ground and get ever more resentful. (The icing on the cake in some of those stories is the DH then compares their 'drudge' of a wife with some young childfree woman at work and has an affair or leaves, because y'know, the wife is always tired or nagging about him not pulling his weight).

He is happy to let you run around being 'mum'. He sees the work that's there. You've told him you aren't happy. But it doesn't bother him enough to do anything about it. The only answer it to walk away.

Yes there are other options, like only doing your own stuff, or drawing up a chart like he's a toddler or something, but do you want to be with someone who doesn't pull their own weight without being asked / begged / cajoled in to it? Wouldn't you rather be with someone who isn't lazy and who respects your time and wants you to have as much relaxation time as themselves?

Bollocks to that. He knows exactly what needs to be done, he just refuses to do any of it. He's not daft and blind, he's just lazy, selfish, and disrespectful.

Bollocks? Whether it's choice or ignorance, the outcome's the same. If it's not done for him he'll soon learn to pick up after himself.

Have your leaving plan ready OP. All indications are that he won’t respond well to your ultimatum. And more to the point, why should you have to be giving one?? He’s an adult who knows these jobs need to be done. He is supposed to love you and want the best for you.

Relationships don’t work just because you love them. They need to love you as well and show it through their actions.

@NowEvenBetter

There’s several threads about this every single day. I wish women would stop tolerating these pointless males, there’s no reason for it, surely no one is that desperate to have a boyfriend that they act as house servants?

This. Come on, women of Britain, stop behaving like skivvies and get those disrespectful and lazy men to do some work - or chuck them out.

Is this really all you want from your life.

Nagging someone to be decent and do their share?

He wants a skivvy.

And you are doing it.🤷‍♀️

Is this your background?
Were you reared to skivvy?

If it is, you have a long, shitty life ahead of you.

If you stay, you will have kids and burn with resentment.

If you accept this.
Expect NOTHING but this.

Life will be so hard for you.

If you have any self respect, you will cease doing anything and move out asap.

He doesn't respect you.
He doesn't really love you.
He hasn't your back.

If he really loved you he wouldn't think so little of you.

I would think he's not as much into you as you are him.

Please, value yourself.
Leave him to it.

We have really got to stop insulting men by letting them think they’re incapable of doing housework. OP, I’m guessing your boyfriend holds down a job, maybe even manages people, organises systems or processes, or delivers a product or service? If he can do any of these things he can run a vacuum round the house. He doesn’t need to ‘help’, he needs to accept responsibility for half the household. Bin him. You’re not his mum.

it's a problem at his end (he's a misogynist who genuinely believes that you are beneath him simply because you are a woman, and therefore it is perfectly acceptable for him to leave all of the chores to you).

This.

He genuinely thinks you should do it because you're a woman. It's that simple.

Let it sink in how gross that is, how that means he views you as lesser than him and how that will play out long term especially if you have children with him.

Don't be with a man who thinks his penis means he is better than you rather than seeing you as an equal.

Oh and stop calling it 'helping'. That implies him lifting a fucking finger at home is doing you a favour - that it's your job really but he's being kind by taking some of it on.

Nope.

You are meant to be equals. Both doing your fair share of the chores necessary to live in a clean house not a shit hole.

Stop buying into the misogyny of it being women's work by referring to his (non existent) contribution as 'helping'.

Update us

It's not helping, it's 2 adults living in a house and doing their fair share!

Where was he living before? Did he cook his own meals, wash his own clothes or did his mum do it for him!?

You picked a dud, throw him back!

Meh my wifi isn't very fast tonight! I see he did live with his mum!

Still wrong!

You can still have a relationship with him, just don't live together.

Thanks everyone. I really originally thought it was a ‘me’ issue but you’ve all opened my eyes.

He’s away on a trip until next week so I’ll be confronting him face to face when he returns. I’ve also spoken with my parents and I can move back in with them should I need to.

In the meantime, I’m going to enjoy looking after me for a few days 😊

I’ll let you all know how I get on!

Agree with get rid
Society infantilises men - women can be complicit in this and enable it. But men aren’t stupid. Men rule the world, remember that. If he saw you as an equal human he would do his share. My DH does. There are nice men out there

Definitely not just you. It's him making you feel that way. Enjoy the time for you. Make yourself clear that there's no other option, he does his share or you're gone because you're not his mum or his maid and it's not fair. Good luck!

Start moving your stuff home so it will be fast and painless.

He won’t change. He is just hoping you will get so fed up of asking you will give up and do it yourself as it is easier. This will just build further resentment, and will be very difficult if you decide to stay and have children with him.
Personally I would leave, and find a decent man who loves and respects you. Not stay with a man child who is only interested in getting his needs met. Lazy arse

You shouldn’t need to speak to him about this. Pulling his weight should be his default. You’ve already spoken to him and he hasn’t changed. If he changes now it will be short term to stop yo7 leaving, then when he feels you’re trapped (marriage/babies) he’ll revert back, and leaving will be a lot harder.

And do yourself a favour and stop using the word 'nag'. It was invented to not only keep women doing everything, but make it impossible to complain about that.

Getting your needs met isn't nagging. Asking for common decency isn't nagging. And expecting a grown man to do half the housework isn't nagging.

It's a banned word in my house because misogynistic slurs aren't OK here.

You can literally pick out the lazy shits who have moved out of their mummy's house and in with their unsuspecting girlfriends/partners who basically take over from their MIL's without realising their doing it.

Said lazy shit then gets all the peaks of living with their mum with sex chucked in.Winner winner chicken dinner for them.

Shame on these women who don't expect their adult son's to behave like adults and still carry on doing everything for them therefore making a rod for their future DIL's.

Same tactics as @CheeseMaiden

Dont express anything, just become him.

Wash your own clothes, dont wash his. Dont mention it. Took my DP nearly a month before he realised he had no clean pants. I said oh no and did nothing. Next day the same complaints. Laughed and asking him whether he was going to turn them inside out.

Same with food shopping - dinner. Milk, sugar and tea etc. Oh no. Buy things he hates for 'lunch' which you have to eat for dinner. He will soon learn to food shop again.

Or eat a big lunch at work and have simple dinners at home - soup and sandwich etc.

Same with cleaning anything in the house. Have a shit tip of a kitchen/bathroom.

They just get too complacent so you have to kick them into gear every now and then.

It works incredibly well. And if its not working - invite someone he knows round, like his mother or his gran. Watch him run round the house like mad max.

I’d just move back home for a fortnight minimum to be honest, tell him he gets to run the place himself for a fortnight and if he says all the right things give it one more go- for maybe two weeks max. Where he makes it up to you by doing it all as he’s been a happy for you to do that.

It’s no more petty to just do your own cleaning and cooking than it is immature and entitled for him to assume he has your free labour at his command and doesn’t have to contribute. Don’t feel bad at taking a stand. I assure you love is not enough, or another way of putting it is love is an action and he’s not showing it.

Stop try to express how you feel , he obviously doesn’t care
And stop picking up after him and go half , no more of the chores
If he wants to live in a mess then you need to consider how suited you are

@Jenzippy7

Thanks everyone. I really originally thought it was a ‘me’ issue but you’ve all opened my eyes.

He’s away on a trip until next week so I’ll be confronting him face to face when he returns. I’ve also spoken with my parents and I can move back in with them should I need to.

In the meantime, I’m going to enjoy looking after me for a few days 😊

I’ll let you all know how I get on!

Good that you've spoken to your parents about moving in if he doesn't change (and soon!)

What he's currently got is a substitute mummy/Dobby the house elf in you with the added advantages of having a girlfriend who's been pretty compliant so far.

I hope he grows up and steps up, OP. Otherwise throw him back as it will, as others have pointed out, only get worse. 🌹