My partner doesn’t help around the house

[Jenzippy7]

I admit I do sometimes moan, however, since moving in with my partner I feel down all the time as I am the only one putting in effort to do chores around the house.

We both work full-time 9-5, but I still find time in my day to do the washing, dishes, ironing and cooking etc. I’ll often be running around in the evenings while he sits there on his iPad and watching tv. I feel like his mother picking up everything he leaves lying around.

We’ve had many discussions about him helping out a bit more but it always leads to an argument. He always says he will change but nothing ever does. I have tried having a to-do list that he could select a few jobs to do daily but he never does.

It wouldn’t bother me so much if he was more interested in things like gardening, diy or maintaining the house in that sense but again that’s a job that I have to do as he shows no interest whatsoever.

When I do ask him to do things I try not to nag, I say things like “when you get a moment could you please…” but I usually get met with a sigh or a moaning comment in return and it makes it very difficult.

I’m running out of ideas on how to express how I feel about this as it just leads to an argument and me feeling upset. Any advice would be appreciated please!!!

Can I suggest the Female Dating Strategy podcast, OP?
The fact that you think you're "nagging" in expecting him not to treat you like his personal slave suggests you really need it. There are no magic words that will make him behave like a decent man. It isn't in his interests. By ignoring you, he gets to escape all the boring housework and have lots of free time. He doesn't care if you're happy. The fact that he starts an argument when do you ask him to contribute is abusive, frankly. He's trying to make it so unpleasant that you will simply think it's easier to get on with it yourself. Stop being so nice and leave him. There are nice men out there. This one has no respect for you. It drives me mad that female socialisation makes women put up with this shit.

OP,

The fact that you think not wanting to be house skivvy is nagging and a "you" problem is concerning.

You are young and this 2022 and you appear to have been given this message.

I moved in with my husband over 30 years ago and it never for a second occurred to me that I should be his skivvy.

Have a think about the woman you want to be and do some reading on boundaries and how to model a healthy relationship.

A man who refuses to do his share and expects it of you is one of life's wasters and not worth the effort.

The choices you make now regarding a partner/ children, have a very long term affect on your quality of life.

Be very wary of settling for a nice waster.

"Nagging" is a word meaning "they didn't do something they said they would, more than once" - is should be really embarrassing for him to "be nagged", not something bad on you!
Tell him he should feel very ashamed that he is constantly breaking his word to you, his supposedly beloved girlfriend, and doing it repeatedly stops you trusting him as he is a liar.

@MrsTerryPratchett

And do yourself a favour and stop using the word 'nag'. It was invented to not only keep women doing everything, but make it impossible to complain about that.

Getting your needs met isn't nagging. Asking for common decency isn't nagging. And expecting a grown man to do half the housework isn't nagging.

It's a banned word in my house because misogynistic slurs aren't OK here.

This is worth printing out and laminating.

Took me ages to work out. Glad to see that you're already getting the idea, OP!

I wonder if being dumped teaches people like this a lesson in life and helps them grow up a bit faster?

I'd be asking myself what I was getting out of this relationship. Respect should be at the top of any list, the one that has to be in place before anything else because without it the rest is just hollow. He doesn't respect you. With no children and not married there is no reason to stay together, value yourself.

OK let's assume like some posters are saying that he simply 'doesn't see the mess' and need to get a kick up their backside at regular intervals for them to temporarily contribute. This would mean that either you do it all for the rest of your life, while being exhausted and resentful. Or you live in a mess - while still being exhausted and resentful, as even when you agree to live in an absolute squalor, there are still plenty of unavoidable tasks to do. And you would be doing them all.

Google for a list of tasks needed to run a household. Sit him down, show him the list and ask that as there are 2 people living in this household, who does he think should do all this work, if he is not planning to?

@g5000

I think the issue is that people who do most of the work are invested in keeping it clean. So if I am doing all the housework, I will be cleaning up after myself and here and there just to keep 'on top' IYSWIM.

This hides the amount of actual work there is to keep something clean and tidy.

My partner was a self sufficient man long before I met him; but if I am tidying too much then he cant just invent things too clean. Same with food shopping, if I do it, he wont want to double buy and fuck it up.

The only way to reset is too make the whole thing his responsibility, and me help a bit as required.

Or alternatively split responsibilities - ie. him kitchen whoever is or isnt cooking; someone bathroom, someone downstairs/ upstairs. Study whoever used it last.

Hi ladies looking for advice

backstory. Have a 2.5 year old child, 24. Stay at home parent,

moved into our home a year ago with partner and child. Recently have been having lots and I mean lots of arguments . He works full time and gets home say 5pm, daughter goes nursery 12:30/3pm every day in this time I clean the whole house prep tea, do washing, shopping if we need anything ect, by the time I’m finished my daily tasks it’s time to pick her up again. Partner comes home to tea made, house fresh and clean.

anyway I’d say past 3 month we’ve been having a lot of arguments over him not doing anything, his only job is dishes after his tea, that is it, then he goes upstairs plays on his PlayStation and then goes to sleep. I’m sick of doing absolutely everything and I feel like his mother, he says there’s nothing for him to do because I’ve done it all but I can assure you there is tons to be done, he doesn’t hoover/ clean, I’ve recently painted the whole passage by myself, painted the kitchen and put new flooring down to try and make it a nicer home for us, hasn’t offered to help once, has watched me struggle juggling decorating and looking after daughter.

arguments usually get heated and he can’t see what he’s doing wrong, I told him to leave a couple weeks ago and he was gone for a week and said he change and help me, fast forward 3 weeks and we’re back to square one. This argument all stemmed over me asking him to take washing down as he was going down for a drink, I just can’t cope anymore and I don’t know what to do, he doesn’t help with anything but at the same time financially he helps, but I can’t cope physically and mentally, if I tell him to leave I’m going to struggle financially and my child may lose out and also he’ll want shared or weekends with her which I can’t or won’t say no too however I just can’t see things changing and I need some advice maybe a different approach or things to help. As soon as I ask for help it’s winging about it, making comments and it isn’t helping

@Britbx you need to start your own thread, this one is 2 and a half years old. But there's an identical thread daily, you can't be unemployed and dependant on this shit man, get back to work, both pay towards childcare, dump the pointless boyfriend and work on raising your standards.
He's a misogynist who views women as domestic appliances. Not boyfriend material and will of course be as shit of a co parent as he is ex boyfriend.