My partner doesn’t help around the house

[Jenzippy7]

I admit I do sometimes moan, however, since moving in with my partner I feel down all the time as I am the only one putting in effort to do chores around the house.

We both work full-time 9-5, but I still find time in my day to do the washing, dishes, ironing and cooking etc. I’ll often be running around in the evenings while he sits there on his iPad and watching tv. I feel like his mother picking up everything he leaves lying around.

We’ve had many discussions about him helping out a bit more but it always leads to an argument. He always says he will change but nothing ever does. I have tried having a to-do list that he could select a few jobs to do daily but he never does.

It wouldn’t bother me so much if he was more interested in things like gardening, diy or maintaining the house in that sense but again that’s a job that I have to do as he shows no interest whatsoever.

When I do ask him to do things I try not to nag, I say things like “when you get a moment could you please…” but I usually get met with a sigh or a moaning comment in return and it makes it very difficult.

I’m running out of ideas on how to express how I feel about this as it just leads to an argument and me feeling upset. Any advice would be appreciated please!!!

Wow I wasn’t expecting so many responses so soon! Thanks everyone for the advice.

This is both our first home. We both lived with our parents prior to moving in together so his mother obviously did a lot more for him than he let on.

It’s a shame, because I love him so much but this is a barrier that is stopping me from seeing a future of getting married and having kids with him.

I like the idea of just doing my own washing and cleaning but I don’t want to come across as being petty or passive aggressive - I’ll maybe hold onto that one if it’s needed.

I do often use the term “help” too much - I need him to pull his weight instead of “helping me”. I’m going to give him the ultimatum of it being 50/50 or that’s it.

And if you don't think it's a big deal, spend some more time on relationships board, reding posts of women who are on their knees from exhaustion managing a job, children and household, and called a nag when they ask their DH to pick up his own socks. A man who thinks it's your job to pick up after him and he needs to be begged to do anything - he will not suddenly mature and start doing his fair share as a parent. And kids are a lot of work and a million times the mess of 2 childless people. Can you imagine your resentment and exhaustion then?

This happened to me and I'm afraid it never got better. It even got the stage where I was criticised for not cleaning something and the "state of the house" was my fault when I was the only person that did the bloody housework.

We are not in the 1950s, you are not his mother, do not put up with it or he will walk all over you. You deserve better.

An awful lot of men too who are really hard workers when it comes to their jobs , but then expect to do Jack shit at home even if wives work

So my Mr was/is a domestic doormat.

Before kids, when we first moved in together, it was s smallish place, he paid more than double on the bills and all entertainment out together. I washed a few clothes and pushed a hoover around. (He would/will do DIY/car/bins etc) but on the whole it was time or money. He had more money I had more time.

Not the only way to solve matters but it has, still does 16 yrs later work for us.

He also totally appreciates what I do and understands homemaking is as essential to a happy family life as earning money. Otherwise it wouldn't work for any of us.

@Crikeyalmighty

An awful lot of men too who are really hard workers when it comes to their jobs , but then expect to do Jack shit at home even if wives work

Makes sense - they will get fired if they don't work hard. But they believe nothing will happen at home..

Glad you've picked yourself up on "help". He's only helping you if it's your (sole) job. He can't "help" with his own job, and of course it is his job, every bit as much as it's yours.

You have only discovered how he views women now you have moved in with him, which is not surprising. He may even have pretended to see you as an equal, to tempt you to come and "look after" him, but just as likely, it never really arose when you were just courting (dating).

It is up to you if you decide to accept this shitty attitude and shitty treatment, but remember, if you have sons with him, they will grow up seeing this as normal, and this will piss off their girlfriends in turn. And your daughters may learn to expect and accept the same substandard treatment.

I would make plans to leave, and make it very clear why. You say he signs and moans at you when you raise this, so not only does he not see at his job to do his share, he also does not see your unhappiness as anything to take seriously. To be honest, that;'s even worse .

My advice is identical to some others - leave him.

If you must try again, don't do anything for him. Don't cook, clean, wash up (one cup, one plate just for you, or he'll use your clean ones), move his stuff... just don't. Don't do his laundry. And while you're trying to teach him to be an adult, simultaneously plan your escape. Don't drift into a lifetime of this.

Any advice would be appreciated please!!!

You leave and quickly. Good luck with your ultimatum but it isn't going to work. If he was an actual considerate adult an ultimatum would never be necessary. He simply doesn't give a fuck and sees all of the housework as your responsibility. He's gone from mummy's house to you, and now you're mummy. He was never taught how to be a real grownup, and he certainly wasn't taught to respect women.

Get out and chalk this up to a hard learning experience. Whatever you do, don't get pregnant. That would be a disaster.

It’s not just men. I’m a man and have the same problem in reverse. Both work from home but I seem to end up doing the majority of the housework. I just see mess and clean it whereas she “doesn’t see mess” and so during downtime will play on the PlayStation instead

I also try not to nag but it’s getting to me.

He's living the dream, OP. Swapped his Mum for someone who will wait on him as well as have sex.

You've told him you're fed up, but nothing changes. And without sounding horrible, if he cared that he was upsetting you over it, he'd have at least made a token effort.

Time to pack your bags and move on.

@Someoneontheinternet

It’s not just men. I’m a man and have the same problem in reverse. Both work from home but I seem to end up doing the majority of the housework. I just see mess and clean it whereas she “doesn’t see mess” and so during downtime will play on the PlayStation instead

I also try not to nag but it’s getting to me.

Do yourself the biggest favour of your life and end it now. This will not be getting better and you're already resentful.

It's frustrating that he can live in a house and fail to recognise the basic tasks that need done. You're feeling you're 'nagging' by trying to get him to look after the house like like an adult. It's probably his response making you feel that way. Make your side of the bed, don't do his dishes, don't wash his clothes, don't pick up after him.

Its not helping, it's doing his fucking share, which obviously he isn't. Do not put up with this! He has decided that it's your job to do all of this shit, and he will never change. If you really want to stay with him (i wouldn't) only cook and clean for yourself.

It's frustrating that he can live in a house and fail to recognise the basic tasks that need done.

Bollocks to that. He knows exactly what needs to be done, he just refuses to do any of it. He's not daft and blind, he's just lazy, selfish, and disrespectful.

The only thing you can do is move out and live independently. Lazy twats like this will never change.

You need to throw this one back. It's a dud.

@PickAChew

You need to throw this one back. It's a dud.

Perfectly said.

One approach that can help is to use this phrase:
" Honey. Let's clean up. I'll do the [dishes] if you do the [kids bedtime routine], then we can both sit down together"

It reminds them that it's not fair until you're both sitting down together, and it allocates tasks without blame or shame.

The goal is equal leisure time. If one of you has time for PlayStation and the other doesn't, it's not acceptable.

"I’m going to give him the ultimatum of it being 50/50 or that’s it".

It should already be that's it in your mind.

The problem with the above is that he could then make some token effort to appease you then revert to type some days or weeks later. Also an ultimatum can only be issued once (they lose all their power otherwise) and you would need to be fully prepared to follow it though.

I would therefore make plans to leave him asap. He regards the housework and chores as your job by dint of fact that you are female.

@Jenzippy7

Wow I wasn’t expecting so many responses so soon! Thanks everyone for the advice.

This is both our first home. We both lived with our parents prior to moving in together so his mother obviously did a lot more for him than he let on.

It’s a shame, because I love him so much but this is a barrier that is stopping me from seeing a future of getting married and having kids with him.

I like the idea of just doing my own washing and cleaning but I don’t want to come across as being petty or passive aggressive - I’ll maybe hold onto that one if it’s needed.

I do often use the term “help” too much - I need him to pull his weight instead of “helping me”. I’m going to give him the ultimatum of it being 50/50 or that’s it.

Problem with this is that he'll probably improve for a bit then he'll go back to how he really is (a lazy disrespectful misogynist) and by then you'll have kids and feel trapped. Save yourself the pain and find a man who understands that women are equal humans.

I know a woman and when she moved in with her dp she announced she doesn't cook and hates cleaning. He quite happily did it all and obviously adored her. She did do shopping and was tidy around the house and later some child minding. I think more women need to stop cooking and cleaning..full stop. Where is it written that this is womens work.
Op just stop doing it. Don't make a fuss just stop and sing around the house as you pop your own laundry on or make yourself some toast. See how he reacts. If he doesn't step up just go. Remember these are the early days when he should be trying to impress you..imagine what he will be like in a few years. Its so unattractive

He clearly thinks women are worth less than men and are on earth purely to serve those with penises.

You want to live with a grown up, not a child and someone who sees you as an equal, not a slave.

Explain that the relationship has come to an end and explain to everyone around you why. It's not your job to train him to be an adult.

Basically he’s replaced his mum with you. Don’t have kids with this man. He’ll expect you to do all the childcare, all the housework and work full time too.
Believe it or not there are real men out they’re who are responsible and accountable, who get stuff down under their own initiative and want a partnership, not a mum to clean up after them. Find yourself one of those, that’s what you deserve.

I was only married a couple of days (34 years ago) and my dh asked me how the washing machine worked. I asked him how the fuck was i supposed to know. He didn't make that mistake again.