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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I've left my controlling husband

91 replies

geddyw · 18/08/2021 07:11

Hand hold please. I'm in shock.

There's a lot to the story. Don't even know where to begin and I've been awake all night - I don't have the energy to even write.

But today I am leaving. He's told me if I leave then that's it. He wants me home when I come in from work so we can talk. I have told him no. But he keeps getting at me and getting at me. Trying to turn everything round on to me.

I don't even know what's right or wrong anymore. I can't even understand my own feelings as he tells me I'm wrong about the way I feel all the time.

I have 3 dcs, only 1 with him. I feel shit

OP posts:

Wnikat · 18/08/2021 07:15

You know you’re doing the right thing. Get yourself and your kids away from him.

Just imagine the relief of not having to come home to him every day. Focus on that feeling of freedom. You can do it.

Original poster

geddyw · 18/08/2021 07:33

@Wnikat

You know you’re doing the right thing. Get yourself and your kids away from him.

Just imagine the relief of not having to come home to him every day. Focus on that feeling of freedom. You can do it.

He's accused me of messaging someone else. I haven't done anything at all. He has issues

OP posts:

Redhead37 · 18/08/2021 07:37

You are not wrong. Go and do not look back. You will be able to breathe again. Your children will be fine. You will be fine. You will have every right to be proud of yourself . Good luck xx.

pointythings · 18/08/2021 07:45

You're allowed to be in shock, but please believe you have done the right thing. It'll be tough for a while, but your new life without him will be so much better.

Original poster

geddyw · 18/08/2021 07:45

Thank you.

Right now I feel absolutely shit. I feel like going back because it's easier. But I can promise I won't. My kids deserve more. I deserve more!

OP posts:

Original poster

geddyw · 18/08/2021 07:45

My mum is coming to my house to help me get my stuff together with the dcs and then that's it.

OP posts:

bigbaggyeyes · 18/08/2021 07:46

If he treated you right or well then you wouldn't even be contemplating this. He sounds awful and just imagine the relief when you finally get a place and life without him.

PerseverancePays · 18/08/2021 07:54

One step at a time and you will get through it. You are absolutely doing the right thing, well done ! 💐

Original poster

geddyw · 18/08/2021 08:02

Thank you all. I wish it felt like the right thing.

I am going to make a list of all the things I can do which I couldn't before

I'm also going to have some counselling to try sort my head. The worst part of it is not knowing if I am right it wrong in what I feel.

OP posts:

Original poster

geddyw · 18/08/2021 08:04

He just manages to turn it all round so it's on me.

Last night he admitted it was all him. This morning it's all my fault again. And I'm still messaging someone else as he noticed a message I sent to my friend had been deleted.

OP posts:

candadebs · 18/08/2021 08:06

Well done OP. So glad your mum is on your side. It only doesn’t feel ‘right’ because it’s such a dramatic change from your usual role as subservient. He will try every trick to get you to go back so he can dominate and bully you. Stay strong OP. Life is going to be so much better without him!

Original poster

geddyw · 18/08/2021 08:12

I'm just going to need to keep posting on here.

I've posted plenty of 'I need to leave posts' in the past but never gone through with it

OP posts:

Original poster

geddyw · 18/08/2021 08:12

@candadebs

My mum is great but it's a shock to her. She always liked him. Not sure she fully understands yet

OP posts:

Bearsinmotion · 18/08/2021 08:18

I left a controlling relationship in December last year. I am not saying it’s easy but there are still days I wake up and just breathe and enjoy the freedom I didn’t have for so long. Good luck.

Weenurse · 18/08/2021 08:21

Well done.

junebirthdaygirl · 18/08/2021 08:27

Remember you don't need his permission to go. He is never going to agree as he has no insight into his controlling behaviour. It is perfectly alright for you to make this decision for yourself and for your dc. It's great you have your mum to help.. you won't know yourself. Today will be a tough day but everyday will get better from here on.

blueberrywaffle · 18/08/2021 08:29

Just think. Your not going home to him, to no head ache, no control and you can go home. Get a bath, play with the kids, go out have lunch. Not be nervous of us using your phone !!!
Think of the amazing life your about to start! X

Original poster

geddyw · 18/08/2021 08:37

I know. I've wanted this for so long but now it's real, it's so hard! I have no where to go and no idea where I'm going to end up

OP posts:

Craftycorvid · 18/08/2021 08:42

Good luck and stay safe. Controlling men can escalate when their partner shows that they are leaving. I’m glad your mum us coming to help. Any other friends who can be around as well? You are doing the right thing.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 18/08/2021 08:46

Hi op I've been there and my advice is stop trying to get him to agree and validate your decision. That's never going to happen , this made me stay for years longer than I should have and falter in my decisions many times .
The only voice that matters is yours right now . Absolutely disregard anything he tells you, even better block communication with him .
What a nice mum you have, be strong!

Mintjulia · 18/08/2021 08:57

Well done. Stick with it OP. You're doing the right thing for you and your dcs. Your mum will help and the local council services.

Keep imagining how more relaxed and calm you will all be, next month, next year. xx

NotWanting · 18/08/2021 08:59

Well done OP. You are so right, your children and you deserve better.

You really don't have to put up with this.

pointythings · 18/08/2021 09:48

Be honest with your mum about how controlling he was. At the same time be prepared for her not to be able to handle it - sometimes parents think preserving the marriage is the be all and end all (my mum was like that re my alcoholic husband).

As soon as you are out, start looking at what benefits you may be entitled to, and claim maintenance from him for your shared DC. This is your right, do not feel guilty about doing it.

Then start lookin at housing options for you and your DC. Do you work currently? Also ensure that your CB is paid into an account he cannot access - detach from him financially.

Pinkbonbon · 18/08/2021 09:53

Be sure that your mother will fully support you before going back there. Because he will absolutely try to get to you, through her. Tell her she should stick to 'I'm not getting involved in discussion with you. I support my daughter in her decisions'.

If you could go whilst he was out it would be ideal.

Sicario · 18/08/2021 09:56

Try to keep a level head. You are doing the right thing.

You need to take some head space to process what it happening to you. I am so glad you have your DM supporting you. Bringing the abusive relationship out into the open is very important. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

Be very clear that you are leaving an abusive relationship. This is NOT YOUR FAULT. It happens to women all the time.

Do not answer his phone calls or messages. Block him if necessary and get a 'burner' phone which can be used for his calls only.

This really is the hardest part. I will never forget the day I left. It was the best thing I ever did.

Please look up the Freedom Programme freedomprogramme.co.uk

And you can get in touch with Womens Aid www.womensaid.org.uk

They have a live chat service here from 10am chat.womensaid.org.uk

Good luck.

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