I've left my controlling husband

[geddyw]

Hand hold please. I'm in shock.

There's a lot to the story. Don't even know where to begin and I've been awake all night - I don't have the energy to even write.

But today I am leaving. He's told me if I leave then that's it. He wants me home when I come in from work so we can talk. I have told him no. But he keeps getting at me and getting at me. Trying to turn everything round on to me.

I don't even know what's right or wrong anymore. I can't even understand my own feelings as he tells me I'm wrong about the way I feel all the time.

I have 3 dcs, only 1 with him. I feel shit

@geddyw

Now I'm getting messages of 'how has it come to this' and 'you need to be speaking to me and not your mum'

He is desperate for me not to leave.

I'm guessing abusers like this are clever? Because he can be absolutely lovely. The nicest.

Yet I can't ever go and sleep at my mums for a night to spend time with her. He doesn't like it. So I don't go.

I mentioned I might be going out for tea with a friend - haven't been out in literally years - and he asked if he could come too and why don't I ever plan anything with him.

I have his son from a previous relationship whenever him or his ex ask. I feel like I can never say no because it will look like I don't love my step son.

He tries to control how I bring my eldest dc up. If I don't punish them for something, he will fall out with me. He's never really loving towards them. Defo not the 'dad' role. They get on ok but it's not amazing. I try very hard with my step son. I find myself tip toeing around with my dc so not to annoy him. I can't let my dd have friends to sleep over as I'm worried he will get angry at them.

Latest rule he wanted to bring in is no taking at the table at meal times as my eldest dc just wind each other up. So now I give my dc their tea early before he comes home to avoid that. If they leave any food it doesn't go down well.....dd is a massively fussy eater. My anxiety is always through the roof.

There's many more examples. I'm just projecting at the moment

OMG this screams control, please don't go back to him. Your life may be difficult short term, but eventually you will have a better life. You don't deserve to live or be treated like this, take care x

I don't know if any of you believe in this stuff but I was just laid in the garden, lifted my head up and this was right in front of my face. A lovely white feather - another sign.

Your doing great OP. It will be hard at first but stay strong, you’ve got this xx

@geddyw

I don't know if any of you believe in this stuff but I was just laid in the garden, lifted my head up and this was right in front of my face. A lovely white feather - another sign.

Aww that's nice. Think it's supposed to be like an angel blessing or something.

Someone up there telling you to breathe the free air again I think :)

@Pinkbonbon I'm not sure what I believe in things like that but I'll take it today.

Just been for a walk with ds, left my phone at home. It was nice.

I'm now just absolutely worn out and a bit wobbly but I'm ok x

@geddyw

We have a decent chunk of savings which will be split 50:50 which are saved in my bank account - so grateful for that. He will most likely gamble his away.

Ensure this is part of the legal settlement agreement, payable after your divorce absolute (I think). Talk to a solicitor about this and all finances, yours and his, including pension pots. 🌹

[quote Newestname001]@geddyw

We have a decent chunk of savings which will be split 50:50 which are saved in my bank account - so grateful for that. He will most likely gamble his away.

Ensure this is part of the legal settlement agreement, payable after your divorce absolute (I think). Talk to a solicitor about this and all finances, yours and his, including pension pots. 🌹[/quote]
He is self employed with no pension.
I don't work as I'm a carer for my son. I get financial support from that.
We rent our house - we were supposed to buy it but he can't stop gambling. He has £20 a day which doesn't do much damage to our financial situation but it is stopping us from saving more.
So other than our savings (which were for the deposit to buy a house) there really isn't much else to sort out thankfully

If all the money going into savings is from your contributions and you can prove that he hasn't paid into it, then I don't really see why he should receive as much as half. Just a thought.

@aerosocks

If all the money going into savings is from your contributions and you can prove that he hasn't paid into it, then I don't really see why he should receive as much as half. Just a thought.

We have a joint account and the money has come from him so it's only fair to split it. Plus he would give me absolute hell if I didn't. It's not worth it.

What I will leave with is enough for me to start again and a bit more

@geddyw
Just read through your post and amazed at how strong you r, just remember your showing your kids that that type of behaviour towards anyone is unexcepted and they should not put up with it. Hold your head up high smell the fresh air cause that's what ur new life is now like a breath of fresh air come and go as u please do what you want when you want with or without dc go for a drink with your friends and answer to no one. This is the start of your new life you own it now and not him 💚

Hang in there, you know you're doing the right thing but right now you're scared & unsure. Stick with your gut instincts, good luck, we're here for you 💐

I am so impressed with you. You have 100% done the right thing for you and for your DC. You will get stronger, and happier, and any doubts or guilt you have will subside until they disappear completely.

You shouldn't feel any sort of guilt. Remind yourself that this man has abused you, controlled you and your DC, made you all walk on eggshells, thought only of himself and what makes him happy. Even when he was being nice it was just part of his game to manipulate and control you. He doesn't have yours, or your DC's best interests at heart, only his own.

Anything he says, anything he does, from hereon, is aimed at getting what he wants, which is the easiest life and no loss of image. He may lie, gaslight, sulk, flatter, make promises, wild promises, love-bomb, admit fault (then change his mind again) - anything it takes to get you back in his control.

But you've seen through him, and you will never un-see it. You deserve so much better than him. You will be happy as a capable, happy single mum, with your lovely DC. You can do what you like, go where you like, eat what you like, relax in your own home. Your DC will benefit hugely. I'm so happy for you all.

Keep strong, and if you waiver, keep reading your own and other posts on here, and keep posting, and remember that he may mess with your head but you know the truth - he is abusive, you can't trust anything he says, you're better off without him and so are your DC.

Wait, is your money still sat in this joint account? If so then get it out of there asap before he clears you out.

OP,
Be very slow to hand over money if you don't have to.

You need to set up a home for your children.

He sounds so awful.

Well done for leaving.

I hope you have taken all important information and paperwork with you.

Don’t give him any money yet until you’ve taken legal advice. You might have a good case for eg a 60:40 split, if you are unable to work because you care for a disabled child.

Hope your holding up strong op x