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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've left my controlling husband

91 replies

geddyw · 18/08/2021 07:11

Hand hold please. I'm in shock.

There's a lot to the story. Don't even know where to begin and I've been awake all night - I don't have the energy to even write.

But today I am leaving. He's told me if I leave then that's it. He wants me home when I come in from work so we can talk. I have told him no. But he keeps getting at me and getting at me. Trying to turn everything round on to me.

I don't even know what's right or wrong anymore. I can't even understand my own feelings as he tells me I'm wrong about the way I feel all the time.

I have 3 dcs, only 1 with him. I feel shit

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 18/08/2021 12:11

*like telling a lion

ExplodingCarrots · 18/08/2021 12:12

OP, you are doing the right thing for you and your children. Abusers will go to great lengths to reel their victims back in. Tears, grand gestures , begging , threats. Be prepared that suicide threats might be his next move. This is a textbook manipulation tactic abusers use to bring you back / feel guilty. You're not responsible for him. Call police if he does to report concern for his safety. The most important thing is yours and your DCs safety and well being . Imagine sitting at the table eating a meal with your DC feeling completely at ease. I also recommend getting in touch with Women's Aid and doing the freedom project . You can do this OP Thanks

Thelnebriati · 18/08/2021 12:23

When you hit a hard patch and think about going back, remember that it will only feel easier to go back because its familiar.

Remind yourself how it felt to be accused of cheating, remember things at their worst.

Original poster
geddyw · 18/08/2021 12:48

@ExplodingCarrots

OP, you are doing the right thing for you and your children. Abusers will go to great lengths to reel their victims back in. Tears, grand gestures , begging , threats. Be prepared that suicide threats might be his next move. This is a textbook manipulation tactic abusers use to bring you back / feel guilty. You're not responsible for him. Call police if he does to report concern for his safety. The most important thing is yours and your DCs safety and well being . Imagine sitting at the table eating a meal with your DC feeling completely at ease. I also recommend getting in touch with Women's Aid and doing the freedom project . You can do this OP Thanks
Suicide threats is what I'm expecting. Especially because his dad took his own life. And the guilt of leaving is there. Like I need to stay to make sure he's safe.

He will be on his lunch at work in a minute and I'm preparing myself for more texts coming through. Either to try make me feel bad or to say he doesn't understand why we can't just talk.

OP posts:
IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 18/08/2021 12:54

Can you turn your phone off?

Original poster
geddyw · 18/08/2021 12:55

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves

Can you turn your phone off?
I can yes but my eldest dc have just left to go on holiday with their dad for a week and wanted to call me along the journey. I will just turn off my message notifications- my head is so screwed up that these simple things aren't coming into my head
OP posts:
Original poster
geddyw · 18/08/2021 13:10

I've left - just got to my mums

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 18/08/2021 13:26

Maybe tell your eldest they can call your mums house to update you instead and turn your mobile off.

A lot of them threaten suicide. If he ever implies he is about to do it, dont reply, just call the police and tell them your manipulative dick of an ex is threatening to kill himself and it might be bs but you thought youd let them know. Theyll soon give him a talking to if they feel he is wasting the time of the emergency services. He'll soon stop making these threats if he is faced with a fine or jail time.

Once you have all your stuff out, tell him its over. Never meet him in private again. And never reply to any message unless it's about arrangements for the kids. Do any handovers in a public place. Have your mum do them instead when pos.

You will get through this.
You might be wise to secretly record things whilst you are packing up to leave btw. Just incase.

OrchestraOfWankery · 18/08/2021 13:36

@geddyw

I've left - just got to my mums
Well done!

Do not allow him to further mess with your head.
The decision has been made and acted on.

It is done.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 18/08/2021 13:57

My ex is on his 3rd fiancee and we have all had the suicide threats, she's breaking up with him too.
The first suicide threat was the fiancee before me and that was 10 years ago.

moirarosebabay · 18/08/2021 14:08

Well done!

It's totally normal to feel wobbly. He's conditioned you to think you are in the wrong for the valid feelings of anxiety his behaviour causes and only his needs matter. I remember feeling like this. I went to my sisters and was so upset using the tumble drier cos he never let me (used to come home and "jokingly" throw the clothes on the floor. I remember being ridiculously grateful to her for not getting angry and when she bought my baby some small toys (he went mental when I bought my kids clothes or toys ) I remember being shaky and on edge all the time. I remember him bringing me flowers and a card that said "I'm sorry for all the bad things that have happened " he still couldn't bring himself to apologise to me. He could be really nice but when he wasn't he was really horrid. It was his choice to not be nice most of the time though and even when he was nice I was on eggshells waiting for the next outburst. Stay strong. If you have time read the Lundy Bancroft book. You'll see his behaviour throughout the book. These men have very distinctive behaviour patterns. Well done on taking such a brave step. It's hard but it's a step you only need to take once. On average it takes 7 attempts to leave an abusive partner and it gets harder every time. You are doing the right thing.

Beelzebop · 18/08/2021 14:27

You're so brave, you're literally an inspiration to people like me still stuck. I know you might not feel it but you are. Keep posting keep going ❤️

Beelzebop · 18/08/2021 14:27

I would like to do the freedom program. Is there a free copy of the book? I can't use a card.

Original poster
geddyw · 18/08/2021 14:40

@Beelzebop

You're so brave, you're literally an inspiration to people like me still stuck. I know you might not feel it but you are. Keep posting keep going ❤️
Feel free to chat to me at any point. ❤️❤️❤️
OP posts:
DoctorTwo · 18/08/2021 14:43

Well done for getting away. You are stronger than you think.

Original poster
geddyw · 18/08/2021 14:43

@moirarosebabay

Well done!

It's totally normal to feel wobbly. He's conditioned you to think you are in the wrong for the valid feelings of anxiety his behaviour causes and only his needs matter. I remember feeling like this. I went to my sisters and was so upset using the tumble drier cos he never let me (used to come home and "jokingly" throw the clothes on the floor. I remember being ridiculously grateful to her for not getting angry and when she bought my baby some small toys (he went mental when I bought my kids clothes or toys ) I remember being shaky and on edge all the time. I remember him bringing me flowers and a card that said "I'm sorry for all the bad things that have happened " he still couldn't bring himself to apologise to me. He could be really nice but when he wasn't he was really horrid. It was his choice to not be nice most of the time though and even when he was nice I was on eggshells waiting for the next outburst. Stay strong. If you have time read the Lundy Bancroft book. You'll see his behaviour throughout the book. These men have very distinctive behaviour patterns. Well done on taking such a brave step. It's hard but it's a step you only need to take once. On average it takes 7 attempts to leave an abusive partner and it gets harder every time. You are doing the right thing.

I will look into the book. I need to set up a new bank account before I can purchase anything. We have a decent chunk of savings which will be split 50:50 which are saved in my bank account - so grateful for that. He will most likely gamble his away.

My mums partner has come round and its nice. Just chatting about normal things like going to the dentist. I can feel myself feeling slightly better though I don't know how to describe it.

I've had no texts yet which I was expecting.

OP posts:
Original poster
geddyw · 18/08/2021 14:44

@DoctorTwo

Well done for getting away. You are stronger than you think.
Thank you. The future petrifies me. Not of being a single mum of 3 - I can do that with my eyes closed and without him around it will be so much better.

But I'm still scared. I just don't know what I'm scared of

OP posts:
Monr0e · 18/08/2021 14:53

Do your older dc's know? How do they feel about it? It sounds completely joyless for them, I imagine they will be relieved to no longer live with another adult who actively acts like he dislikes them. Please think of them if you start to have any doubts. They absolutely do not deserve to live like that.

candadebs · 18/08/2021 14:54

@geddyw that fear will lessen over time I promise.

moirarosebabay · 18/08/2021 14:56

sa1s3.patientpop.com/assets/docs/85477.pdf

Beelzebop · 18/08/2021 14:56

Thank you @geddyw and good luck!

moirarosebabay · 18/08/2021 14:56

You can read the book online for free using your phone. I've posted the link.

Original poster
geddyw · 18/08/2021 14:57

This is my 3rd major leave. I've left the odd night here and there too but always gone back the next day.

I'm glad I can finally see that i shouldn't go back. Before I just wanted it to all be ok again. The relief was when he forgot about whatever was wrong.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 18/08/2021 14:58

Hmm maybe he is plotting. Or thinks if he acts like he doesn't care it will reverse psychology you.

Your future will be awesome now you've finished with him op. Try to think of it as a new adventure. I mean, how often in life do we get a do-over where we can completely reinvent ourselves? Yeah I guess it's scary but it's also exciting.

Original poster
geddyw · 18/08/2021 15:02

@Monr0e

Do your older dc's know? How do they feel about it? It sounds completely joyless for them, I imagine they will be relieved to no longer live with another adult who actively acts like he dislikes them. Please think of them if you start to have any doubts. They absolutely do not deserve to live like that.
No they don't. As they've gone on a much looked forward to holiday today and I didn't want them to know so not to dampen it.

I have 10 days now to sort myself out with just me and my youngest dc who is only 3.

When they come back, I'm going to collect them and take them out for tea (because I can!!) and explain it to them and how much better our lives will hopefully be.

They never seem bothered by H. I've always felt they neither liked him or disliked him.

They will be thrilled to be living at grandmas. Even if we are in 1 bedroom.

Should also mention eldest is autistic.

He gets the highest rates in disability living allowance. I'm hoping this may help us with housing but I'm not overly confident....but that's ok. It's just 1 day at a time right now

OP posts: