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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've left my controlling husband

91 replies

geddyw · 18/08/2021 07:11

Hand hold please. I'm in shock.

There's a lot to the story. Don't even know where to begin and I've been awake all night - I don't have the energy to even write.

But today I am leaving. He's told me if I leave then that's it. He wants me home when I come in from work so we can talk. I have told him no. But he keeps getting at me and getting at me. Trying to turn everything round on to me.

I don't even know what's right or wrong anymore. I can't even understand my own feelings as he tells me I'm wrong about the way I feel all the time.

I have 3 dcs, only 1 with him. I feel shit

OP posts:
Original poster
geddyw · 18/08/2021 10:07

@Sicario

Try to keep a level head. You are doing the right thing.

You need to take some head space to process what it happening to you. I am so glad you have your DM supporting you. Bringing the abusive relationship out into the open is very important. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

Be very clear that you are leaving an abusive relationship. This is NOT YOUR FAULT. It happens to women all the time.

Do not answer his phone calls or messages. Block him if necessary and get a 'burner' phone which can be used for his calls only.

This really is the hardest part. I will never forget the day I left. It was the best thing I ever did.

Please look up the Freedom Programme freedomprogramme.co.uk

And you can get in touch with Womens Aid www.womensaid.org.uk

They have a live chat service here from 10am chat.womensaid.org.uk

Good luck. Flowers

Thank you so much for that advice. I've heard of the freedom programme before. I will give it a look.

Im just all over the place but I suppose that's to be expected

OP posts:
Original poster
geddyw · 18/08/2021 10:09

I've just had a call from him mum who was supportive but also supportive of him too. Which I understand. She was just suggesting ways we could make it work.

I was as firm as I could be through the tears - I think the world of her so there was no way the emotions couldn't get me.

OP posts:
Original poster
geddyw · 18/08/2021 10:11

I just keep questioning his behaviour and why he thinks this way and then wondering what I've done to make him think like that.

I know full well I haven't done anything wrong.

But last night he said he was having 'thoughts' that I was messaging someone else. I'm not.

But then I began to think why he would think that. I have been 'off' with him so that's obviously why. And then I feel bad.

There's so many things in my head right now

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 18/08/2021 10:19

I'm sorry op but your mum is not supportive. Not to the extent that she needs to be for you to lean on. No, she is not justified in seeing his point of view. He is an abuser who has been abusing her daughter.

Unfortunately we often end up with abusive partners because our parents have codependent tendencies which they pass onto us. They excuse behaviour that should not be excused and in turn we learn this behaviour. Her boundaries are not where they need to be. You cannot lean on sand.

Do you have anyone else that could go with you to collect your things? Otherwise, do it when he is out. I would also advise that you seek alternative accommodation rather than staying with mum if that was the plan.

Speak with womens aid for advice. There is support out there. But you have to be aware of the limitations if support from a person who is constantly trying to see things from the other persons perspective rather than taking your word for it and wanting to protect you.

Pinkbonbon · 18/08/2021 10:23

If course, your mum may not be fully aware if the abuse because you yourself seem unclear about it.

He has been abusing you.
There is no excuse for abuse.

Repeat this to yourself. And tell your mum too. Tell her that she needs to be absolute in her support.

Original poster
geddyw · 18/08/2021 10:23

@Pinkbonbon

I'm sorry op but your mum is not supportive. Not to the extent that she needs to be for you to lean on. No, she is not justified in seeing his point of view. He is an abuser who has been abusing her daughter.

Unfortunately we often end up with abusive partners because our parents have codependent tendencies which they pass onto us. They excuse behaviour that should not be excused and in turn we learn this behaviour. Her boundaries are not where they need to be. You cannot lean on sand.

Do you have anyone else that could go with you to collect your things? Otherwise, do it when he is out. I would also advise that you seek alternative accommodation rather than staying with mum if that was the plan.

Speak with womens aid for advice. There is support out there. But you have to be aware of the limitations if support from a person who is constantly trying to see things from the other persons perspective rather than taking your word for it and wanting to protect you.

My mum is just shocked. She's also going through a lot herself so could really do with out my problems too.

I haven't had much of a chance to speak to her properly with dc around.

My eldest dcs are actually going on holiday with their dad today. So I'm waiting for them to be collected and then heading straight to my mums.

Trying not to show much at the moment in front of the kids

OP posts:
Original poster
geddyw · 18/08/2021 10:25

@Pinkbonbon

If course, your mum may not be fully aware if the abuse because you yourself seem unclear about it.

He has been abusing you.
There is no excuse for abuse.

Repeat this to yourself. And tell your mum too. Tell her that she needs to be absolute in her support.

Cross posted. That's it. I've not really understood a lot of the abuse myself.

To anyone looking in...we have it all. Nice house, car, perfect family, lots of friends, he has a good job.

You wouldn't suspect a lot of it

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 18/08/2021 10:28

Hopefully she will understand once you have had a chance to talk with her. And be fully onboard with not letting you listen to any of his bs anymore.

You'll find the fog will clear more and more the longer you are free of him.

Your problems are her problems, she is your mum and wont begrudge helping you.

Good luck with the move!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/08/2021 10:31

Image to abusive men like your H is all important to them; they like showing themselves as the respectable family man. Its what goes on behind closed doors that is far more important and you are certainly in an abusive relationship with him. He is not going to let go of you that easily either and will be just as abusive post separation and divorce.

Original poster
geddyw · 18/08/2021 10:32

@AttilaTheMeerkat

Image to abusive men like your H is all important to them; they like showing themselves as the respectable family man. Its what goes on behind closed doors that is far more important and you are certainly in an abusive relationship with him. He is not going to let go of you that easily either and will be just as abusive post separation and divorce.
Yep preparing myself for this already - thank you x
OP posts:
SarahBellam · 18/08/2021 10:37

Offering a tight handhold. You’ve got this. You know it’s the right thing. You only have to get through today. Tomorrow you will wake up somewhere away from him; somewhere that’s safe for you and your children. They deserve that, and you deserve it 💐

moirarosebabay · 18/08/2021 10:38

I was you 7 years ago, 3 kids, 1 of them his, him saying if you go then don't come back (didn't turn out to be true as once I left he tried a different tactic - cried, threatened suicide etc - he didn't realise how much his outbursts had upset me, offered to go for the counselling) I totally get what you are saying about the confusion and feeling so broken. It's so much better on the other side. You know you are doing the right thing and you'll be better eventually. My kids were happier as soon as we got away, I took a bit longer but I'm very very happy now. It's so worth it. Sending you love and strength and if you haven't read the Lundy Bancroft book read it now as it explains it so well and so much of the behaviour is part of the abusive cycle. You can read it for free using this link. sa1s3.patientpop.com/assets/docs/85477.pdf

Original poster
geddyw · 18/08/2021 10:40

Now I'm getting messages of 'how has it come to this' and 'you need to be speaking to me and not your mum'

He is desperate for me not to leave.

I'm guessing abusers like this are clever? Because he can be absolutely lovely. The nicest.

Yet I can't ever go and sleep at my mums for a night to spend time with her. He doesn't like it. So I don't go.

I mentioned I might be going out for tea with a friend - haven't been out in literally years - and he asked if he could come too and why don't I ever plan anything with him.

I have his son from a previous relationship whenever him or his ex ask. I feel like I can never say no because it will look like I don't love my step son.

He tries to control how I bring my eldest dc up. If I don't punish them for something, he will fall out with me. He's never really loving towards them. Defo not the 'dad' role. They get on ok but it's not amazing. I try very hard with my step son. I find myself tip toeing around with my dc so not to annoy him. I can't let my dd have friends to sleep over as I'm worried he will get angry at them.

Latest rule he wanted to bring in is no taking at the table at meal times as my eldest dc just wind each other up. So now I give my dc their tea early before he comes home to avoid that. If they leave any food it doesn't go down well.....dd is a massively fussy eater. My anxiety is always through the roof.

There's many more examples. I'm just projecting at the moment

OP posts:
pointythings · 18/08/2021 10:50

That list is a shocker. And I bet that's only a fraction of the abuse and control he has subjected you to over the years.

Reread that post the moment you start feeling the slightest wobble in your determination to leave.

Flowers
Barton10 · 18/08/2021 10:52

I left my abusive partner and he had blamed me for everything. I had a course of CBT with talking therapies and did the freedom programme and it made me realise that none of it was my fault. Keep strong and get some help for your own self worth. You wont recognise yourself in a year from now.

Original poster
geddyw · 18/08/2021 10:54

@Barton10

I left my abusive partner and he had blamed me for everything. I had a course of CBT with talking therapies and did the freedom programme and it made me realise that none of it was my fault. Keep strong and get some help for your own self worth. You wont recognise yourself in a year from now.
Thank you. I've already had cbt therapy as I had anxiety before I met him. I finished my cbt last year. He never asked me how the sessions went and thought I didn't need it.

Really interested to read up on the freedom programme though.

OP posts:
Original poster
geddyw · 18/08/2021 10:55

I'm even panicking that somehow he's going to find this thread

OP posts:
WhatMattersMost · 18/08/2021 10:57

Just assume that everything - everything, without exception - that comes out of his mouth is a distortion or a downright lie, and then you can distance yourself from the content of what he's saying.

You can do this.

thenewduchessofhastings · 18/08/2021 11:06

He doesn't want you to leave for multiple reasons;

*He'll have no one to cook for him,do his laundry or clean the house.I'm betting he didn't do much of the above?
*He'll actually have to not only parent his own kid but the one you have together too;he can no longer dump his responsibilities onto your shoulders
*You go;so does any tax credits,child benefit and any other income you bring in.
*He doesn't want to pay a second lot of CM.
*He wants to keep up appearances;imagine him having to explain to people his partner has left him.

As harsh as it sounds don't entertain your MIL;she's blind to her sons shitty behaviour.

Original poster
geddyw · 18/08/2021 11:06

@WhatMattersMost

Just assume that everything - everything, without exception - that comes out of his mouth is a distortion or a downright lie, and then you can distance yourself from the content of what he's saying.

You can do this.

Thank you. It seems a long way off to get to that point at the moment. But I know I will get there.

At the moment, i just don't know what right or wrong in the way of our relationship. He's done that to me, I know that.

Then i find myself thinking 'if only I stood up to him' it might be different

OP posts:
pointythings · 18/08/2021 11:29

@geddyw

I'm even panicking that somehow he's going to find this thread
You can ask MNHQ to move it to OTBT. If he is that controlling and you are afraid of what he will do, that is what you should do.

Once you are out, you can start what threads you want and there is nothing he can do about it. Are you afraid he somehow has access to your phone and can see your Internet use?

Original poster
geddyw · 18/08/2021 11:35

@pointythings no not at all. I don't see how he could do that - he's no way brainy enough!

It's just my anxiety over thinking everything

OP posts:
pointythings · 18/08/2021 11:43

Fair enough, that's a relief.

It's completely understandable that you are overthinking and anxious. You have been controlled and abused for a long time and you will need to work on recovering from that.

Once you are away from him, you can take steps to restart counselling, but do disclose the control and abuse so that you can be referred appropriately and see someone with the right skill set to help you.

Definitely do the Freedom Programme.

WhatMattersMost · 18/08/2021 12:04

Then i find myself thinking 'if only I stood up to him' it might be different

I know it's tempting as hell to think "if only" about this, but by standing up to him, you're engaging and the game is back on. Remember: it's all lies and distortions.

Pinkbonbon · 18/08/2021 12:10

Even if had you stood up to him, it wouldn't change the fact that he is abusive. Telling an abuser he is an abuser and you dont like his behaviour is linked telling a lion it's a predator and you arent ok with it chewing on your leg.

All you can do is get the hell away as fast as possible. Thats the only way to keep yourself safe from any predator

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