I have just joined this forum as I need help and any advice. I feel like I am going crazy. Bare with me, this might be a long one. I will try and make it as short as it can be.
My boyfriend (22) and I (26) have been together for about a year, but we’ve known each other for 3 years. His dad suddenly passed away in July, after having a stroke a few days before. He was fit and healthy so you can imagine what a shock this was. I didn’t leave my boyfriends side. I took him forwards and backwards to the hospital, along with his family. Stayed at his family home and did anything I could to make their lives easier, cooking, shopping, cleaning etc.
To give a bit of context, it’s not always been an easy road for us both. There have been a lot of issues before and we have awful communication. We had been best friends for around 2 years and decided to give a romantic relationship a try. He has trust issues, because of my past, and he cannot seem to let them go, even now, nearly a year after us being romantically involved. This has been the cause of the majority of our arguments. I haven’t done anything whilst being in a relationship with him, but he’s more bothered about the things I’ve done when I was single.
He does have anger issues which were there before me, however he’s been blaming me for his behaviour, which I’ve believed up until recently. When we do get into an argument, everything is always about how he feels and he gets so angry that he starts throwing things around and damaging my items and property and says some cruel and spiteful things to me, ultimately ending the relationship irrationally. This behaviour often leaves me questioning his feelings towards me and doesn’t give me confidence in our relationship. I’ve felt like I can’t have a voice and have to tread on eggshells around him.
Fast forward to the present, after a week or so of his dad passing, his step mother made a few passing comments about his sister and her boyfriend being in the house and how she didn’t want them around anymore as they were annoying and in the way. I expressed how I didn’t want to overstay my welcome either, however she didn’t reply.
This of course made me feel a bit unwanted and awkward there, so I spoke to my boyfriend about it. He got angry and flipped at me, telling me that I’m making it all about me and I’m selfish, I’m unsupportive and I’m a horrible person etc etc. He ended it with me and told me that he didn’t want to be with me anymore and didn’t want me at his dads funeral.
I tried to talk to him but he wasn’t having any of it. I left it a couple of days and reached out as I felt in my heart that I needed to make amends as the funeral was approaching and I did not want him to go through that on his own. After begging and apologising for me speaking about my issues, I went to his, we didn’t talk about the situation at all and just carried on as “normal”.
The days running up to the funeral, he lashed out at me a couple of times but I just took it on the chin and didn’t make anything of it.
The funeral came and it was a lovely send off for his dad. To be honest, I didn’t even see my boyfriend much that day, he was with his friends apart from the times he was talking to family or people who knew his dad. I was with his cousins, his sister and her boyfriend.
That night, he had another little pop at me, but again, I didn’t react. The next day, he was agitated that his step mother was hoovering early in the morning and they had builders doing the kitchen so we went out for some lunch and went to the beach. Whilst on the way to the beach, he mentioned that he wanted to move away. He didn’t just say it once, he said it maybe 3 or 4 times throughout the day. He said he was going to wait for the money from the will and then he’ll be gone, he’ll be much happier away from everyone and everything around him and he’ll do just fine on his own. One of the times he mentioned this was on the phone to his mum. She asked him “well how am I going to see you?” (She doesn’t drive). After the conversation finished, I asked him if he genuinely was thinking about moving away and he replied “yes, why, are you shocked by that?” And I said “of course, what about me, your mum, your sister, your life here?”. He went mental at me. Again telling me how selfish I am and how I’m making everything about me. How I’m an evil person and that he doesn’t see a future with me so why would he involve me in it. He blamed me for not seeing his dad much for the past 10 months as he’s been staying with me and how I’ve wasted his time and that he could’ve spent it with his dad. He ended it with me, again. He packed my belongings that were in his home and chucked them in my car and off I drove. About 5 minutes later, he text me saying that there’s no need for me to go away and think and apologise in a couple of days, the relationship has run its course and that’s that.
To me, there was no need to message me that, he’d already said enough. I couldn’t stand anymore abuse so I blocked him.
We have been in contact since, but he’s still blaming me and still saying that I shouldn’t of made it about me. He was only thinking out loud and that I should’ve been treading carefully and stayed quiet. In the end, I cut contact because he kept going on and on and attacking me and my character, and to be honest, it hurts.
He’s making me feel like I’m not allowed to have feelings or ask questions. Was I not allowed to ask a question to make him refocus and think straight? I understand the last thing he probably wanted was the added pressure of reassuring me. But that wasn’t what I was doing. Was I wrong for asking? But why didn’t he have the same reaction when his mum asked?
I know he has just lost his dad and the pain must be horrific. But this behaviour is not new. I would understand more if it was. I understand that people grieve differently, but does that mean I deserve all this spitefulness?
I’m starting to think that he doesn’t want this relationship and he’s using this as a way out of it. But then why keep messaging me? If he hadn’t of ended it because of that question I asked, it would’ve been something else. Even if I turn around now and apologise, it’s not going to change anything. He still doesn’t see a future with me. Of course I don’t want to lose him, I love him. But am I just desperately trying to force him to stay in my life?
I want him to know that I’m here for him. The last thing I want is for him to feel alone. But what can I do when I’m constantly being pushed away? I tried to reach out yesterday, to let him know I’m here, regardless of what’s happened between us, but he claimed that I was only doing it for my benefit. I feel like I can’t win.