Can this ever be enough?

[RagRugs]

I've been struggling a lot recently. I've posted on here and had some great advice but much of it seems to be centred around seeking counselling or therapy. I've had both on and off for nearly 30 years and, whilst I've seen minor shifts, it's not really working for me any more. My insight is great. I know exactly why I think and feel the way I do but I don't seem to be able to change it. I can fake it for a while, I have the confidence to ignore some of core beliefs etc but they are still there and, as soon as I'm put under any pressure or challenged, they come back. This is partly because, in some cases and sense, they are true. In others, it's because they have been reinforced so many times and by so many people over the years that I'm almost a lone voice in saying that they're not. Which makes it difficult.

I'm going to try and keep it brief...

I have competing narratives in my head.

On one hand, I have never been loved, I want it and don't see the point in wasting time with men who aren't going to love me and who I'm never going to love. I date men for a short time and then walk when they demonstrate that they don't respect me or will never love me.

But, equally, I should have known these relationships would never result in love or longevity. Every 'relationship' I have ever had has been incompatible with love in some way. There is always a distance - eg emotional; geographical; chronological; intellectual...

But I feel intimidated by, and unworthy of, men who are more my 'equal' or who live closer or are just a more viable option. I feel embarrassed that they might think I'm interested.

I feel more comfortable around married men. I don't flirt with them! I've never been an affair partner and wouldn't. I have too much self respect and too much respect for their wives. But the 'non threatening' aspect of them being unavailable means I find them more comfortable company.

I have been involved with a man for 18 months which is the longest positive experience of a 'relationship' I've ever had. I don't (think I) love him and I know he doesn't love me although there is clearly am attachment there. In many ways, it looks like a relationship. We behave quite 'coupley' when we are out with other couples; we spend every weekend together; we are supportive of each other; he's done many things to show me he cares but, over the last few weeks, it has started to feel a bit empty.

In many ways, this man meets my needs for companionship and I'm sure I do for him too. But it's starting to feel a bit 'hollow' without the emotion and commitment to back it up. I don't really want to just to be with someone to fill a mutual void in our lives. I want to be loved.

I know many will say, 'End it and find someone who loves you," But, to me, that's like telling someone to leave their job and win the lottery instead! I've never had what I've got with him before. Nor been loved. It would be unfathomable to me now. Inconceivable that it could happen. I'm not even sure I'd be receptive to it or recognise it.

I feel a bit like those women who post on here who have 2 children but really want a 3rd when their partner says no. The advice is often to leave and find someone who wants that 3rd child with them. When it isn't that simple! Other women tell them to be satisfied with the 2 children they have. What would a 3rd bring that they don't already have with 2? What if they never meet anyone and end up bring up those 2 children alone?

That's how it feels.

It feels like I'd be leaving something that works quite well but is lacking in something I'm yearning for. Something that has ticked along quite nicely for 18 months so far. And for what? The hope that, in my 40s I'll find something I never managed in my 20s and 30s?

The frustrating thing is that he is the person I wanted to discuss this with and process thoughts about it with but because of the situation, I feel like i can't be candid about it.

It's completely consuming me at the moment.

I don't want to lose what I have with this man because it suits us both well for as long as it lasts. I just don't know if it can be enough.

But is it possible that you are twisting things to their worst/most negative interpretations in order to confirm your belief that you are not loved or lovable?

Yes, which is why I've stayed with it for so long.

I think I've just tried to accept the belief that I'm unlovable and work with it. And I can't do that anymore.

I spoke to one friend yesterday who said I should frame it to him as I don't want things to change - eg I'm content with the level of contact and the time we spend together; and I don't want to cohabit or get married but I want some degree of commitment and to know that we are boyfriend and girlfriend. Or not. And then I'm better placed take a decision. It's not really doing me any favours staying in a situation where I don't believe I am, or could be, loved.

I also chose to take what he said as a reflection on his life but that wasn't how I read it and that's how I've chosen to take everything. My default is to jump to the worst case scenario but I've chosen to take it as an alternative. But it means I constantly have 3 narratives running - one which is fine and ideal and nice and the other which is terrible. And I don't know which to believe.

It's just reinforcing my negative self narrative and I run the risk of carrying that forward with me which would make it near impossible for me to have any sort relationship with anyone in the future.

Thank you for your time and thoughts. It's really helped me to see things more clearly. I really appreciate it.

But it means I constantly have 3 narratives running - one which is fine and ideal and nice and the other which is terrible. And I don't know which to believe.

What's the third alternative? Maybe that it's not ideal but also that it's not terrible. It's somewhere floating in between those two points.

It's just reinforcing my negative self narrative and I run the risk of carrying that forward with me

Yes, that's true. Your negative self-narrative is your responsibility to sort out and probably needs to be without reference to another person. You could be with a different man who tells you he loves you, and still think, "He says it but he doesn't really mean it. He's only settled with me because he can't find someone nicer. He says it because he knows it's what I want to hear... etc."

I think I've just tried to accept the belief that I'm unlovable and work with it. And I can't do that anymore.

Good. Because it's not true. And living in a lie is incredibly painful. You have constructed this belief to protect yourself and wall off your vulnerabilities. Now you are starting to realise that it is actually becoming more painful to hold on to this belief than it would be to confront reality.

There's only one way forward from this and that is to start dismantling that wall. Maybe this particular relationship isn't safe to test that out on. But with friends or family who you trust more, start letting them know about your needs and feelings. Open up about your insecurities. You'll be surprised how good it feels to be open with people and how much strength it gives you. There's a good book about attachment issues by Adam Lane Smith, where he goes through scenarios and practical ways to open up to people. I think you might find it helpful.

Why would he say he loved you when you ended it with him and he knows how easy it is for you to jump ship.
I mean he would be an idiot to do so, so clearly he is guarded around it + his own personal baggage.

And you seem to want that as some kind of proof you’re unlovable. Can you see how fucked that dynamic is.